I found something on him -- but it is the way I found it.

**torn2pieces** · 03-27-2011 02:43 PM

We have had issues in the past with me going through his phone/email/social network accounts. I did it in the beginning because I had trust issues from past relationships and the environment I was raised around. I never found anything incriminating -- maybe stuff I didn't like (chit chat/catching up with old female friends) but nothing that indicated he was cheating. Now I have found something and because he gets very upset about me snooping through his phone, I don't know how to address, I don't know if I want to address this now or wait for it to build up. I have a couple of things I found but what I sit here in tears about now is this: The other day I seen a text to a number that said "Hey Girl" -- well that next day I sent that same phone number from a yahoo account, but I was trying to be slick and play it off so it ended with her telling me she didn't know who I was. I know its a girl because I also called the number and hung up. After that I swear he was very protective over his phone, and when I finally got a chance to go through it, that text was erased, but I seen incoming and outcoming calls from that number, but this is what's worse, I went to his Google voice mail (and it is transcribed) and a message read "I can't help to wonder if you thought about me today, Have a good day." So it is clear he is talking/flirting/maybe cheating with her. I believe I am going to wait and try to gain more evidence before I give it to him. I never feel I have enough to break up our home/family. If enough builds up I will have it and he can't say I am wrong for leaving or that I gave up on us. So my issue is the way I found out, but if I get enough evidence on him, it won't matter at that point how I found out. I just need some advice or sympathy or something. I do not talk to anyone about this and I am in pain. I love him with all my heart and it kills me to know he is showing interest in someone else.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-27-2011 02:53 PM

Honey, it's time that you looked him in the eye and said, "I'm a confident woman, in love with her man and lead him to the bedroom" and it's time that you laugh and giggle, smile and be sexy, tell him he's good looking, and good in bed and all the things you do and say will come back at you 10 fold, he won't need to try to get attention elsewhere, nor want it as he has it all there, in his woman....

When the going gets tough the tough get going.

And stop snooping

You know how much pain you keep going through doing that... Build your confidence and re-connect in all ways with him....He won't be needing anyone to tell him I thought about you today, because you'll be the only one he will want to hear it from.

Men are emotional just like us...They also need to feel special, wanted, and good at what they do.....or else, they will ask someone else ......

**stressed** · 03-27-2011 03:43 PM

Your consistent snooping is enough evidence you need to walk out. You don't feel comfortable being in such a relationship, you don't trust him, he constantly gives you reasons not to, you don't need any further proof to prove how much damaging this relationship is to you. Even if what he does is harmless and he doesn't cheat, it seems very doubtful you can trust this man again, since what you're desperately looking for is evidence to leave him and "be right about it". This isn't a healthy relationship. You should at least take a break from each other and relax. He shouldn't be the centre of your world and you shouldn't be his either. This must be affecting your every-day life and causing a lot of tension. It has to end.

**torn2pieces** · 03-27-2011 03:48 PM

Yes. I agree. Lately that's how its been we have had more sex and a couple episodes where we was both like WOW that was some of our best sex. We have had some great nights out lately, great coversations, we have had each others back in major ways. So Yes I will continue to love him, and at this point I will even more, but I feel like I am competing with this girl. The message of "Can't help to wonder if you were thinking of me" was from her. So okay I continue to love him in a big way and give and show extra attention. That doesn't make this okay. I understand what you say Chandlers Wish but what about this, what about him connecting with her?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-27-2011 05:08 PM

Then you have to ask yourself if you are connecting to him, in denial that he has stopped connecting with you or if he just doesn't care, and knows of your love but abuses that, by emotionally cheating because he knows he can get away with it ...

Only you can answer that, if you look deeply.

I am seeing the initial post you wrote...

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-27-2011 07:16 PM

It sounded as if you quit with the snooping for a while... then picked it up again and found something incriminating for the first time. What lead you to go digging? Was it just the way you always dig or had he been acting differently? Did it feel as if something was off?

If everything has been great with your relationship, you were wrong for snooping... but generally (unless like with you they have a history of trust issues) generally women only go digging when they already know deep down something isn't right... and are just looking for confirmation so that they don't walk out on love over a gut intuition.

But what you found is some girls message and yes, it does sound very incriminating... as do the phone calls and erased messages. Has he had the opportunity to cheat? Or has his schedule been virtually the same? If its just some woman paying him some attention, and if he's missing attention at home -- like CW says... your action to correct whatever has been lacking in the relationship (if anything has been) could make or break how far he takes this other thing he has going (or is considering, etc)

If you've been distant, now would be the time to show him how you really feel. If you have been giving your all to him, and he's doing this -- then I personally wouldn't know how to proceed. Sometimes it has EVERYTHING to do with the way a man isn't being treated at home that leads him to another woman, and sometimes its just greed and selfishness and because they already have everything a man could hope for at home.

Stop snooping... 1, it will never give you the clear picture and 2, how he treats you and makes you feel should be where you lay judgement on your relationship... not on some wierd convo you didn't even see both sides to.

I would try to be light and easy like cw says, because if behind door number 1 is some woman that is excited to see him and happy and showering him with attention and behind door number 2 is a woman that is angry and distant and behaving paranoid --- he might find his way through the wrong door. You do not deserve to be cheated on for any reason... but if he hasn't given you any reason to think something is off -- you should try to relax more.

**Seeker_Advice** · 03-28-2011 06:13 AM

I haven't read anywhere where you have had a heart to heart, level headed (not blow up angry) conversation with him about any of this. Did I miss it?

Open honest communication is one of the foundation building blocks to any good relationship. TRUST is another building block.

I don't care how "bad" things are at home, if he is truly committed to you, then he should hang in there and the two of you should work through this together.

If he knows that you have trust issues, he should be willing to let you read/review whatever is in his phone, on his FB page or anywhere else that he "socializes". I don't understand what the big deal is, to him, unless he has something to hide.

**torn2pieces** · 03-28-2011 09:23 AM

No conversation has taken place. And there are many things that lead to believe he don't care if I see it, such as on his laptop (which I use often and he is aware of) he stays logged in to all of his accounts or he pulls up his text or social accounts as I lay right next to him, he does not act sneaky at all. He has an Iphone and if we are sitting at a restaurant or waiting it's nothing for him to give me his phone for entertainment (play a game/look at the news). He randomly picks my phone up and plays with it and I do the same with his. Not sure if it is right or not but he just don't like the snooping I do and the fact that I do it because of trust, I feel he expects automatic trust. And he does not take the approach of because I have trust issues that he should let me access ALL of his stuff, because he has never done anything to make me feel he is going to cheat. But as far as a level conversation about this, I can't because I have to admit I snooped and I have told him I will stop/chill out on that.

**torn2pieces** · 03-28-2011 09:37 AM

In reply to Hopeless Dork - actually no I haven't stopped snooping, I look through his stuff randomly and haven't found anything incriminating up to this point, but I see stuff I do not like. Anyhow, I understand making sure I am making home a happy place and to show happiness and joy. That is exactly what I did last night and I will continue doing, as a matter of fact he came home from work and we talked, laughed, had a drink and I gave him great sex even orally. We were having sex and he said so passionatly "this is yours, I am ALL yours". So I couldn't help to wonder if he was thinking of going elsewhere and once we have our great sex he realizes what he needs and want is at home.

I need you guys to clarify your thoughts and feelings because I almost feel like you are saying because I snoop (which is wrong) that he is not wrong. I don't understand, would you stop if you found something? If this ceases then yes I can see you telling me to stop, but really stop now? I shouldn't follow this through to see what happens. And even though I shouldn't snoop -- does that get him off the hook for this? Say he doesn't have sex with her, he is still in the wrong, right? Why and how did he even get her number. It's funny because I am going to school for Paralegal and strong cases get thrown out if the proper procedures where not carried out (i.e. illegal search). So is that where I am at?, because I went about it the wrong way, doing something I said I would stop, does that mean his crime just gets thrown out? I am open and appreciate the advice but I am confused as to why you guys are coming off that way. I don't go to friends and family with this stuff for a reason, but regardless of them being my family, if I told this to them, they would be like O' He** NO.