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Thread: Porn Problem..please help

  1. 03-28-2011 03:44 AM #1
    deep_fear
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    Unhappy Porn Problem..please help

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    OK this is my story.... Lately my fiancee had been working very hard and going throw alot of stress....he has not wanted sex as often..and pretty much our sex life has gone down alot. Last night he got out of the bathroom with his computer and I went on it ( he says he plays c/p games in the bathroom) and i saw porn woman or woman all over the history...naturally because we are not having sex because he is "stressed" or "tiered" I got pissed and told him about it...he 100% dinise it saying its a virus...so i looked on google search and saw that the link was purple ( some one clicked it)....I dont have proff that he always does it but im almost possitive he does everytime he goes in the bathroom...I just want to know if it's possible he could cheat on me...I know alot of woman say porn is ok..but is it ok when your sex life had gone down hill even if he is stressed??? I told him i would not be pissed if he did not hide it or if our sex life was not as good...but he is still deniying it...what do i do? I feel so..ugly not wanted...
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  2. 03-28-2011 05:39 AM #2
    Seeker_Advice
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    To some, porn is ONLY a problem when it impacts your life. It appears to me, based on what you've written, that porn is a problem.

    I'm not sure what you mean when you ask if he could cheat on you. Are you asking if viewing porn is cheating? To some, it may be, to others probably not. Or, are you asking directly if he could cheat on you? The answer is yes it's possible as anyone can cheat on anyone at any time.

    When verbally confronted about something it is often "easier" to lie about it. Now that you've gotten angry and didn't get the desired results you were seeking perhaps you could let it go for a few days and try to have a calm discussion about it.

    If you continue to "attack" him, he will continue to be defensive and probably lie about it. If you approach it as a caring partner he might open up to you and share why he has resorted to using porn.

    I would also suggest that you do a search or advnaced search and read some of the many posts regarding the subject. You may find them to be helpful too.
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  3. 03-28-2011 08:50 AM #3
    deep_fear
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    Thanks ill try laying low a couple days so my temper dont get the best of me...to be honest it might not bother me so much if he did not lie about it. The other thing is I really do feel ungly and not attractive in his eyes anymore ( together 5 yrs) for example. ( i am a sport/horse rideing girl) every time we go to a store we get in a fight about shoes!!! He says " why dont you wear high heels there so sexy" then i tell him "i dont like them" then he starts telling me ( for the 10th time) that i am agirl and should wear girl things and im half boy!!! :-O..i always cant believe it when he says this...pluse my doctore told me i Should NOT wear shoes with heels if they hurt my feet ( i had a surgary uears ago and it still bothers my toes to bend that much).....as far as cheating goes..i dont think porn is cheating ( it just makes me feel like sh*t to know he wants another body over ming) what i was talking about is could porn lead to cheating?...he is a realy loving guy and i love him with all my heart, and i dont even know if i could tell if he cheated on me, he is a good lier..i dont like liers this part is bothering me that he wont admite it...ug lol
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  4. 03-28-2011 03:32 PM #4
    CHANDLERS WISH
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    You are a tomboy he knew that when you got together..

    One lie turns into another lie...and it breaks trust...

    If he loves you for who you are, but does like to see a sexy woman in heels, why not have a pair at home, and some underwear at home, and on occasions give him what for?

    But in that, tell him be assertive, I am who I am and I like who I am and beauty is on the inside and alot of men love the sexiness of tomboys...

    Alot of men love to see their woman being feminine so it doesn't hurt to compromise, but he has to as well...

    Instead of telling him off, tell him that you are not nieve, you know he puts porn on and masterbates in the shower, and you know that is a stress release and that it happens alot faster than sex, without the effort, however, this is a better deal because I'm all woman and real and here....And say that after you've shocked the shirt out of him by presenting what is his in the flesh
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!
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  5. 03-28-2011 08:39 PM #5
    WildChild
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    Quote Originally Posted by deep_fear View Post
    The other thing is I really do feel ungly and not attractive in his eyes anymore ( together 5 yrs) for example. ( i am a sport/horse rideing girl) every time we go to a store we get in a fight about shoes!!! He says " why dont you wear high heels there so sexy" then i tell him "i dont like them" then he starts telling me ( for the 10th time) that i am agirl and should wear girl things and im half boy!!! :-O..i always cant believe it when he says this...pluse my doctore told me i Should NOT wear shoes with heels if they hurt my feet ( i had a surgary uears ago and it still bothers my toes to bend that much)
    Quote Originally Posted by deep_fear View Post
    .he is a realy loving guy
    Maybe I'm a little slow, but what is loving about his remark in the first quote?

    No doubt CW is right that he want to see you looking feminine sometimes. But knowing that you are not supposed to wear heels (they are a disaster for the feet, ankles, knees, hips and back) it seems pretty thoughtless of your needs and health (not to mention your feelings) for him to act this way.

    What does he do that is loving?

    If you want to follow CWs idea and get some heels how about greeting him in stockings, heels and some barely there undies - in bed? That way you won't have to try to stand in the things.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
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  6. 03-29-2011 05:48 AM #6
    deep_fear
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    good idea, i might just try that, i just hope it dont get to the point were he complains that i should wear them in public...ill try it. I have not said anthing about the porn again sence we got in a fight about it 2 days ago. he still does not admite it..and what do you no now when he goes to the bathroom he has not been takeing his computer :/ ....he also has been trying to touch me in bed ( finally!) but i have not been letting him because i feel really angery and mad about what he did...I'm not sure if i should let him or not becasue now he thinks he "has" to want to have sex with me...i dont want him to think he has to..i want him to want to...also it is true im a tomboy at times...but i do dress up for him...infact i do try but somthimes i think me trying is nothing at all in his eyes....thats besides the point I just want to fix this problem with porn..i am laying low and not saying anything and trying to think about how to fix or what to do about this...i dont like him lieing about it thats what bothers me the most...
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  7. 03-29-2011 05:52 AM #7
    deep_fear
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    another thing...why i am mad about the porn...is b.c i think he compares me to the girls...he comments sometimes that blond hair, heels and blue eyes are sexy.......guess what ladies i am brown eyed brown with red highlighted hair beast..lol ( my hair is naturaly light brown with light red highlights)
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  8. 03-29-2011 04:02 PM #8
    CHANDLERS WISH
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    It's like opening a box of chocolates, you don't know what you are going to get, I don't think it's comparing at all

    It's an easy way, to relieve stress and alot of men do it, with or without porn in fact most men, and women for that matter...

    I understand it's the lying there you have to say simply put, "don't ever lie to me, ever, nothing is that bad that we can't communicate over it"...

    He got the message you didn't like it and he probably feels bad, if he's trying to touch you...

    The thing is, men like to feel "all man" as much as a woman likes to feel "all woman"...

    I think it's fair to say they want a lady...on their arm and a tart in bed... in other words, boundries off course, but no inhibitions....after all this is "your man" and you are "his woman" there should be no holding back, in bonding with each other...

    Sadly too many women see the "tart " as exactly that, porn...that's not the case at all.

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!
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  9. 03-29-2011 04:09 PM #9
    WildChild
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    Ummm darling, you need to get over this mad and make love with him. You can't cut him off and demand that he not take care of himself either. That is a recipe for trouble.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
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  10. 03-29-2011 07:32 PM #10
    Hopeless Dork
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    Agreed with above.. I don't think its at all fair or reasonable to ask a guy to quit masturbating, or to become upset when they do --- if you don't want to have sexual relations with him... especially if you are not communicating to him WHY you are turned off. Talk to him, let him know how you feel... let him know how much it hurts when you want him and he takes care of only himself.... but don't ask him not to do that if you don't want him to spend that energy with you -- it really won't make much sense.

    I understand that your feelings are still hurt over the whole thing, and yep... its likely going to effect how you feel about him sexually, possibly losing attraction for him when you think he is putting you second to a lap top in the bathroom... no, its not a real good look, fellas. But if you don't tell thats why you are being sexually distant right now he's going to think okay... she doesn't want me touching myself AND she doesn't want to touch me either... thats a miscommunication that could devistate your intimacy in the relationship...

    So just talk, don't be mad, don't accuse, don't judge... instead tell him how you feel, what you want, ask him how he feels, what he wants and see if you two can't find a common ground.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
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