Is Text Messaging Cheating? - Page 6

**stressed** · 06-24-2009, 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chocomilk

Sorry that this is so long...

Unfortunately, I'm going through the same thing. My live-in bf uses his phone a lot for texting and interacting on a message board. One day, he was asleep in our bedroom, and I was in the living room watching tv. He left his phone in the living room, and I looked because it kept vibrating. Well, seek and ye shall find...I saw several texts from a woman who sent him nude pics, and obviously he sent pics of himself because of her replies. She would comment that she wanted to "sit on it", and other things. He even sent her a text saying that he wanted to meet up with her. My stomach churned at reading the texts.

He and I talked before about how I disliked him looking at other women, because I felt that the way he looked at them was more than a passing glance, but he would near watch them walking down the street. I told him that I felt that I wasn't what he was looking for in a woman when he did this. But he said that he always looked at women, but I was what he wanted. So I ignore it, and just look the other way when he does it. I firmly believe that if you want to cheat, get your stuff and go. I would rather you leave than to cheat on me.

Anyway, I called my cousin just to talk, and then I started crying. I told her what I found, and she suggested talking to him and finding out what was going on. When he woke up and I talked to him, he said that it was nothing, and that he never met the girl. He asked me if I wanted him to leave, and in my heart I wanted to say yes, go, but I wound up saying no, I want you to stay. I wanted to try and work this through.

He talked to his mom about the situation, and she told him he was indeed wrong for sending the texts, etc. That was in April. Now, I still don't feel that I can trust him because he is always attached to the phone. If he goes to the bathroom, he takes the phone; to get something from another room, he takes the phone, and so on. He stepped out to meet his brother in the lobby of our apartment building and left the phone on the tv stand. In less than a minute, I could hear the keys jingling because he was trying to get back into the apartment, and of course, he grabbed the phone and left.

There are other things going on that make the relationship stressful too. I get constant yeast infections, and I sort of chalk this up to having diabetes. With having diabetes, I know that I am prone to getting them often, but prior to having this relationship, I NEVER GOT yeast infections, and I have been diagnosed with diabetes for about 5 years. He and I have been together for nearly a year. I'm seeing my Dr. this week to make sure I don't have an STD, or that my bf isn't the cause of the frequent YI's. I panic because I get them every 1-3 months.

His still constant phone attachment drives me nuts, and I do want to check his phone again, because honestly, I don't believe or trust him. And since this mistrust has been since April, part of me knows that I should call off the relationship, simply to save my sanity. I don't want to go through this relationship or life with this feeling that I can't trust any guy.

My cousin and my best friends have told me to get rid of him, but I don't know why it's so hard for me to do so. I feel that I've gone out of my way (and still do) to make things work, but now I feel like my efforts have been in vain (as well as unappreciated).

I guess part of me does feel that I don't want to be alone, but I feel lonely anyway. We don't go anywhere, and anytime that we have, it was my suggestion, on my dime, or something that I planned with friends, and he just tagged along. I don't mind staying at home and having a "nite-in", but it's become ridiculous. I know that what I'm saying equals kick him to the curb, but I don't know why I'm keeping him around.

What your bf does is unacceptable, it's like he has a relationship with you AND his phone. Taking the phone with him everywhere shows that he doesn't trust you around it because he has obviously something to hide. He knows you will react if you read the texts and now he's more careful about it. If this won't change any time soon you will feel worse and it's nothing you can ignore, it sounds like this man has an addiction to heavy flirting with women. You know what you have to do, and believe me, you will feel better for it.

sue · 06-26-2009, 09:51 PM

I do not understand cheating. What happened to respect for others and one self. integrity, morals, promises, trust, and commitment. Are these people so self centered that they truly do not see the pain they cause others that they supposedly love? The sometimes life altering hurt that is left on the family like maybe their kids? Maybe if all the energy, time and money spent on making themselves happy were turned towards their families, maybe just maybe their home life and relationships would be better? I kinda look at cheaters as intitlment. Life is not easy, but we all have a choice.

Jiggles · 06-27-2009, 01:16 PM

I'm going through a very similar problem with my husband. He's very flirty and is always texting other women...one that he works with and one that is his ex-girlfriend. Its been going on for about 2 years and its killing me inside, we've had endless arguements about some of the text messages I have seen and everytime he just says they are friends and the text message were nothing, so far I've excepted it as I want to believe my husband and want my marriage to work, but that worry and lack of trust has never gone away, its now building and building and we're argueing more and more, I'm becoming paranoid and losing all perspective, so much so that at the weekend I found a text to his work colleague and asked him about it, he said that he's had enough of me accusing him of having affairs that he wants to split up...not sure what's going to happen yet, but what I'm trying to say is that if you stay and he continues to text and keep it a secret the lack of trust will just build and build, and won't do you any good. So if you want to move forward you need to get to the bottom of these texts with your husband and if he reassures you that they are just friends and you choose to believe him, then my only advise is that you need to completely let go and forgive him and move forward, otherwise you'll end up like me. If you are not able to move forward and trust your husband again, wondering what he's doing and texting all the time, then I think you know what the only other answer is.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-27-2009, 01:30 PM

I don't understand why some people think that because they are typing sexual advances and flirts to women that it is some how less hurtful than saying them. They are THINKING them.. and going further than that - acting on those thoughts and making them known, now the ball is in the court of the one being persued and all it takes is a "i wud like 2 c u l8r" for the whole "its just words" game to change.

I know a guy that lost the love of his life (his words) to this very act, he is heartbroken and devistated even after several years and she won't take him back no matter how hard he tries. His repsonse? It was not a big deal it was just texting random girls they weren't important. Funny thing to risk the love of your life over, unimportant stupid words on a cell phone.

Trust in relationships is glass, its fragile... any scratches to the surface can over time lead to cracks and all it takes is one slip of the hand for it to fall to floor and shatter into peices. In some cases , even with no scratches, one hard enough drop is all it takes for them break. Putting it all back together is not impossible, but even when done do with care - you can see the glass is not the same, its been damaged. You can still drink from it, but you are always reminded of what happened to it, every time you look at it.

**WildChild** · 06-27-2009, 04:40 PM

The real question is, if she was the love of his life, what did he think he was doing making suggestive texts with other women? I get suspicious of the lost love stuff because I dealt with it in my first marriage. He married me because he couldn't have her after a few years of fighting it I walked, then I became the "lost love". A few years later dated a guy who kept messing around, couldn't decide what he wanted. We broke up a couple of times, I finally said enough and ended it. He spent two years trying to get me back. The thing with these guys is, if she's really "the one", what are they doing playing hurtful games like this? I think they are just head tripping themselves. It makes a great excuse for why they can't stay in a relationship.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-27-2009, 04:50 PM

You are so right WC, the fact that even after knowing what it cost him he still fails to see that he did anything wrong speaks for itself really. Some men are bigger drama queens than women and always want and/or romantisize what they can't have. When they have the love they need they jeapordize it by seeking out grass is greener scenerios and/or ego boosts.. when they lose that love they want it back. Ugh. Too late.

For me personally, I think life really is too short to not forgive someone that will ultimately make you more happy than make you sad. But if they are doing more of the latter than the former its time to move on. You can only give someone so many chances if they are dead set on repeatedly breaking your heart you have to be a massochist to stick it out I think.

I wouldn't want to hurt the ones I love, and if I did and they had the grace to forgive I would do my level best to not to hurt them again, and if I still did and they still forgave and I STILLLLLLLLL.... kept hurting them... its only rational that they eventually just say 'no more'.

**WildChild** · 06-27-2009, 10:01 PM

I'm coming to a conclusion that men have a much harder time dealing with rejection or any relationship problems - especially if they were cheated on or were the dumpee. I've dealt with this so many times I don't know if I should give up or go into hysterical laughter when ever I hear about it. I have been cheated on several times, gotten chlamydia (he turned out to be a pedephile too), ended up paying the phone bills for calls to the gf, all sorts of nonsence. I just moved on and don't expect every man to act like that. But my recent ex had been cheated on and the man in my life right now was and you'd think every woman they ever met cheated and they just don't seem to be able to let go of it. I'm getting tired of hearing about it, dealing with the anger they carry, I know it hurts, I choose not to dwell there. Why can't they move forward?

**starjoy08** · 07-01-2009, 08:04 PM

Secret sometimes hurt more than anything else. Secrets can destroy alot of things.

**happy ending** · 07-01-2009, 08:37 PM

i think its more a pride thing WC, i just know my ex didnt seem too upset that we'd left, because it meant he could party and drink up a storm every night, but when he found out i was seeing someone else, he turned nasty got upset etc, because i'd damaged his pride - even if they are in a happy contented relationship, some need to hang onto the illusion they are the "playa" and could have someone else if needs be. but they always have the fullback if caught by the "missus" its only words, harmless flirting etc.

**baja** · 07-03-2009, 09:50 PM

Don't feel too bad, most men are complete idiots... like the guy who left his cell phone on vibrate to advertise that something was up.

Better yet, check if your man has his cell phone password protected and set to silent mode... ladies, I guarantee you there is something going on.

06-27-2009, 01:30 PM	#54
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 1,238	I don't understand why some people think that because they are typing sexual advances and flirts to women that it is some how less hurtful than saying them. They are THINKING them.. and going further than that - acting on those thoughts and making them known, now the ball is in the court of the one being persued and all it takes is a "i wud like 2 c u l8r" for the whole "its just words" game to change. I know a guy that lost the love of his life (his words) to this very act, he is heartbroken and devistated even after several years and she won't take him back no matter how hard he tries. His repsonse? It was not a big deal it was just texting random girls they weren't important. Funny thing to risk the love of your life over, unimportant stupid words on a cell phone. Trust in relationships is glass, its fragile... any scratches to the surface can over time lead to cracks and all it takes is one slip of the hand for it to fall to floor and shatter into peices. In some cases , even with no scratches, one hard enough drop is all it takes for them break. Putting it all back together is not impossible, but even when done do with care - you can see the glass is not the same, its been damaged. You can still drink from it, but you are always reminded of what happened to it, every time you look at it. __________________ ------------- Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

06-27-2009, 04:50 PM	#56
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 1,238	You are so right WC, the fact that even after knowing what it cost him he still fails to see that he did anything wrong speaks for itself really. Some men are bigger drama queens than women and always want and/or romantisize what they can't have. When they have the love they need they jeapordize it by seeking out grass is greener scenerios and/or ego boosts.. when they lose that love they want it back. Ugh. Too late. For me personally, I think life really is too short to not forgive someone that will ultimately make you more happy than make you sad. But if they are doing more of the latter than the former its time to move on. You can only give someone so many chances if they are dead set on repeatedly breaking your heart you have to be a massochist to stick it out I think. I wouldn't want to hurt the ones I love, and if I did and they had the grace to forgive I would do my level best to not to hurt them again, and if I still did and they still forgave and I STILLLLLLLLL.... kept hurting them... its only rational that they eventually just say 'no more'. __________________ ------------- Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

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06-26-2009, 09:51 PM	#52
sue Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 19	I do not understand cheating. What happened to respect for others and one self. integrity, morals, promises, trust, and commitment. Are these people so self centered that they truly do not see the pain they cause others that they supposedly love? The sometimes life altering hurt that is left on the family like maybe their kids? Maybe if all the energy, time and money spent on making themselves happy were turned towards their families, maybe just maybe their home life and relationships would be better? I kinda look at cheaters as intitlment. Life is not easy, but we all have a choice.

06-27-2009, 01:16 PM	#53
Jiggles Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 1	I'm going through a very similar problem with my husband. He's very flirty and is always texting other women...one that he works with and one that is his ex-girlfriend. Its been going on for about 2 years and its killing me inside, we've had endless arguements about some of the text messages I have seen and everytime he just says they are friends and the text message were nothing, so far I've excepted it as I want to believe my husband and want my marriage to work, but that worry and lack of trust has never gone away, its now building and building and we're argueing more and more, I'm becoming paranoid and losing all perspective, so much so that at the weekend I found a text to his work colleague and asked him about it, he said that he's had enough of me accusing him of having affairs that he wants to split up...not sure what's going to happen yet, but what I'm trying to say is that if you stay and he continues to text and keep it a secret the lack of trust will just build and build, and won't do you any good. So if you want to move forward you need to get to the bottom of these texts with your husband and if he reassures you that they are just friends and you choose to believe him, then my only advise is that you need to completely let go and forgive him and move forward, otherwise you'll end up like me. If you are not able to move forward and trust your husband again, wondering what he's doing and texting all the time, then I think you know what the only other answer is.

06-27-2009, 04:40 PM	#55
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,233 Blog Entries: 5	The real question is, if she was the love of his life, what did he think he was doing making suggestive texts with other women? I get suspicious of the lost love stuff because I dealt with it in my first marriage. He married me because he couldn't have her after a few years of fighting it I walked, then I became the "lost love". A few years later dated a guy who kept messing around, couldn't decide what he wanted. We broke up a couple of times, I finally said enough and ended it. He spent two years trying to get me back. The thing with these guys is, if she's really "the one", what are they doing playing hurtful games like this? I think they are just head tripping themselves. It makes a great excuse for why they can't stay in a relationship.

06-27-2009, 10:01 PM	#57
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,233 Blog Entries: 5	I'm coming to a conclusion that men have a much harder time dealing with rejection or any relationship problems - especially if they were cheated on or were the dumpee. I've dealt with this so many times I don't know if I should give up or go into hysterical laughter when ever I hear about it. I have been cheated on several times, gotten chlamydia (he turned out to be a pedephile too), ended up paying the phone bills for calls to the gf, all sorts of nonsence. I just moved on and don't expect every man to act like that. But my recent ex had been cheated on and the man in my life right now was and you'd think every woman they ever met cheated and they just don't seem to be able to let go of it. I'm getting tired of hearing about it, dealing with the anger they carry, I know it hurts, I choose not to dwell there. Why can't they move forward?

07-01-2009, 08:04 PM	#58
starjoy08 VIP Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: In the Alabama area Posts: 60 Blog Entries: 1	Secret sometimes hurt more than anything else. Secrets can destroy alot of things.

07-01-2009, 08:37 PM	#59
happy ending Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: western australia Posts: 655	i think its more a pride thing WC, i just know my ex didnt seem too upset that we'd left, because it meant he could party and drink up a storm every night, but when he found out i was seeing someone else, he turned nasty got upset etc, because i'd damaged his pride - even if they are in a happy contented relationship, some need to hang onto the illusion they are the "playa" and could have someone else if needs be. but they always have the fullback if caught by the "missus" its only words, harmless flirting etc.

07-03-2009, 09:50 PM	#60
baja VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 63	Don't feel too bad, most men are complete idiots... like the guy who left his cell phone on vibrate to advertise that something was up. Better yet, check if your man has his cell phone password protected and set to silent mode... ladies, I guarantee you there is something going on.