Husband's distance, his emotional affair, mine, help!

**besetfree** · 04-11-2011 02:51 PM

This is the first time I've ever posted online -- anywhere -- looking for help. But I'm really stuck.

My husband of about three years and I have been in a really rough spot for the last 18 months. We fight, all the time. We say horrible things to each other. We apologize, always, the next day, but it feels like the damage is really severe at this point. Our sex life is basically nonexistent -- I simply do not want to have sex with someone who makes me feel so badly about myself. About two months ago, I learned he was trading text messages -- up to 200 a day -- with his female boss. They travel together frequently for work, and work very closely together. About a month ago, I learned he had applied for a job in another state, and that she had applied for a job in the same other state, at the same company. I learned this, not because he told me, but because i hacked into his e-mail. I'm not proud of myself. Obviously I didn't trust him.

After I found out about the texting and job application, I turned to a close male friend for comfort. Nothing physical has happened, but I am well aware of the fact that our relationship is inappropriate for someone who is married. This friend makes me feel good about myself and seems to see things about me in a positive light, where husband does not seem to see much positive about me these days.

Another complicating factor: I really want to have children, husband is fairly certain he does not. I'm bordering on an age where we need to make a decision or it's going to be off the table, biologically, for me.

I've asked him to go to marriage counseling; he's said no. I love him, but I am feeling very much like we need to either make some very serious changes, or separate from one another. I don't know what to do. I've had a serious conversation with the male friend and told him I need to draw back from our friendship because I don't want to be someone who cheats on her husband. I don't think I want to be with that friend in a long-term romantic way. But I'm thinking that, maybe, it's worthwhile to be married to someone who wants the same things out of life that I do, and who sees me in more of a positive light than a negative one, and who makes me respond sexually. I can't hep thinking that, of the 3 years we've been married, half -- HALF! -- have sucked.

The flip side of that is that leaving my husband would mean giving up on the vows I made, on our families (I am close with his) and on the seven years we've spent together. (We dated for four before being married.)

Help. I really don't know what to do. Thanks, all, for thoughts.

**WildChild** · 04-11-2011 04:18 PM

This seems to be my day for quoting old sayings, but, you've heard of throwing good money after bad? Having 7 years together is not a reason for 7 more when you are unhappy, being emotionally abused, he is having an affair (emotional if not physical), is apparently planning to leave you and doesn't want the same things in life that you do.

I agree that you should cool it with the male friend. You are vulnerable right now and need to be clear to deal with this situation. Your age has nothing to do with it. Why would even consider having a child under these circumstances? Being close with his family is nice but he is the one who is out of line and you don't know how they may react when he announces that he is leaving you, taking another job and moving with another woman.

Talk to him, his response should make things clear to you. But if you re-read what you wrote, I think it will be pretty clear.

**frances81** · 04-11-2011 11:01 PM

I just posted on here for the first time and I am in a similar situation. Married for 7 years together for 11. We don't have trust issues, but my husband is extremely jealous, even of girls and he is jealous of my time. If you know that he is cheating on, know that you WILL do better than him if you move on. Easier said than done, I know. My family LOVES my husband and I am close to his family. Nobody knows about our personal issues except my close girlfriends. I wouldn't stand for cheating! Apparently I'll take other abuse though....sad, I know.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-11-2011 11:50 PM

Ask yourself honestly if those first 15 months were actually beautiful, you both laughed, held hands had great conversations, couldn't wait to see each other.... For some reason I am betting you can't tick those boxes rather, well we had good sex, and it felt like a marriage....

Relationships are two sided not one and if one is always giving and trying and the other either takes advantage of that, or doesn't care it will never work.

So, he thinks the grass is greener on the other side and he's planning anyway isn't he? To move to another State to be with this woman?

If you are honest with yourself you will know that you can certainly be attracted to someone else, because you have been left out for so long, living a loveless marriage, but in your heart of hearts I think you almost want to act on it, purely to feel. So having said that, that should tell you that you don't love your husband as two soulmates, and simply the honeymoon phase has gone and you weren't the match you thought you were.

Familes understand...trust me....