has it been too long???

**Ks85** · 04-13-2011 07:13 AM

as most of you know, i am having problems making peace with the emotional affair my husband had. maybe because he says he didnt do anything wrong that they are/were just friends, and says i am/was just being jealous. it has been several months since she has been mentioned(aside from me saying i saw she now had facebook) i think maybe he thinks i dont think about it anymore, when actually its on my mind almost every day. i feel like it has been too long for me to do or say anything, but i cant "get over it" as he tells me to do... i know it isnt healthy for me to constantly feel this way, but i have no idea what to do to get better. everytime i see her facebook page and/or think about things that i saw were said between them it makes me sick to my stomach, i even sometimes have dreams about him and her. i dont know what to do ladies, i really dont know...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-13-2011 03:28 PM

You are right, it's not healthy at all.

This will destroy you and your marriage as it continually manifests.

It's like you expect him to see your pain everyday, instead of forgetting what happened and that is natural, normal but there is no real closure I think... His reaction was defence, jealous, friends, get over it....When he needs to apologise and let you know that he didn't realise the pain it would have caused you, your feelings, but his stance if it was nothing is true too, you do have to let it go, it wasn't a physcial thing, rather something obviously he was missing in his life and you would still not be giving that "missing" thing to him now as you are somewhat distant from trust....

Don't look at her on facebook

Are you on his page? If it's your own then she wouldn't be your friend and you wouldn't see her....

Don't dream of someone whom really isn't in the picture, work out what it was he was missing ask him, and apologise also to him for not being there offering that be it laughter, support, telling him he looks good, lust, love what ever it is, you both need to know and work on that....

Because then all he will need is you.

CW

**Ks85** · 04-13-2011 04:23 PM

you have good points, but i wasnt on his facebook i was on mine but she doesnt have her page private so everyone can see her page, i just keep looking at her page trying to figure out why she was so dang important that he he couldnt be rid of her knowing how bad it hurt me and how many fights we had over her.

**Ks85** · 04-13-2011 04:39 PM

also i might add that its not me trying to let him see the pain he has caused me everyday. i hide my thoughts about it all and never speak to him of it. im sure he has no clue that i still think about it. i think i mask it well, i only talk about it on her or to my one real friend.

**missgrape** · 04-13-2011 05:20 PM

I think you really deserve better - you are torturing yourself looking at her page - stop doing that!

**Mes T** · 04-13-2011 06:05 PM

I'm in a disturbingly similar situation, still can't stop thinking about all the times my boyfriend was all best-friends with his ex behind my back (he lied to me about it for months

).

I find it really does help to talk about it. Yeah it's been a long time but if you don't have those heart-to-heart conversations about it, no amount of time will help you forget.

He hurt you, you have every right to ask him to make you feel better.

**Ks85** · 04-13-2011 06:29 PM

but how do i approach that? anytime ive brought it up he gets angry and tells me to get over it and wont admit he did anything wrong

**Mes T** · 04-13-2011 06:41 PM

Sounds like a way for him to disguise his guilt.

Well, would you be able to pin-point any specific factors in your previous conversations that may have triggered his reaction? For example, if I raise my voice when arguing about something, my boyfriend automatically shuts down a bit and I don't blame him... Hardly easy to discuss something and make progress with someone when you're being yelled at.

Think about a way to reinvent your approach on this topic... Even if you are very calm and collected anyway...