When to call it quits?

**Northstar** · 04-17-2011 08:00 PM

I’m not sure where to begin. I love my husband. I think. We have been together since I was 19 (14 years). We got engaged 3 days after we met and were very happy in the beginning. I feel like now there has been so much in the relationship that I don’t know how much more I can take. I know that I am not perfect, but most of the problems come from thing that he has done.

Before I talk about him, I need to say that I can be controlling, I am very logical and like the house, finances, ect handled that way. I have a strong background with children and probably have abnormally high expectations about how the kids should be dealt with. I often make him feel like he is not doing good enough with them. I am also prone to depression and go through spurts where it is difficult to do things and don’t always keep the house as clean as my husband wants it.

When we were together for just 1 month, he was going to break up with me, and cheated on me, but I took him back after a short break up. When our oldest was 6 months, he almost left me for his x who he has a son with, but we worked things out. When I went to university (doing mostly online courses), he did not support me at all and made it difficult for me to complete my work. We had our first 2 kids while I was working on my degree. I put the rest of my schooling on hold to work and pay off student loans. It took us a long time to buy our own house because of those loans and my husband blamed me for it many times. There have been lots of times where he has been controlling of me over the years, but he is passive aggressive about it. For example, he would be mean to my daughter when I would go out, or talk me into doing things with him. He also admitted to doing things for me( like running errands) so that I wouldn’t go out. When I finally went back to school last year, having to commute and hour each way, he made things stressful for me, and then got mad at me for not finding a job right away. By Last August, I was ready to leave, but he said that he would change things.

From September to December, he was just being mean to me a lot. He is threatened by my education and took it out on me. ( he does not have his high school and refuses to go back to school, but I have never made an issue of it except when he says he hates his job, I tell him to go to school to change it). He finally agreed to go to counselling, and has been doing that. I think he struggles with anxiety, and is also very insecure with himself. There have been some improvements, but I still am not very happy. I guess that I feel guilty for not being happy with him. I have just laid out all the worst in him. He is very devoted to me and the kids. He doesn’t do much other than work play hockey and spend time with me and the kids. He goes to all sports events, plays, ect, it there for my family when they need someone (he is not in contact with his at all) . He does a lot around the house. When I tell him that I have a problem with things, he listens, and at least tried to change things, even if it is not successful.
Sorry this is so long, I wanted to give a lot of background. Recently we have been trying to improve things by spicing up our sex life. I can have a high drive and like to experiment with things, so does he. About a month ago we went to s strip bar, had lap dances, ect and had a lot of fun. We had great sex that night, and for a while after that, and we both felt very close from sharing something new together. We have been watching a lot of porn together, and just really been into things. I wanted to try going to a swing club, just to check it out, and we had plans to go to a marti gras event, but when we talked about it the day of he seemed really jealous, so I decided that it was not a good idea to go. We were out of town and had a hotel for the night but he was mad at me for not going and ignored me the whole night. I was really hurt by that. We had talked a lot, been really open about our feelings and had agreed that if either of us was uncomfortable we wouldn’t go or would leave if we were there. I feel like he turned an experience that we were supposed to share together into something that was for him. I was so upset the next morning that I told home I was done with us. On the drive home we talked about things and he wanted to know what he would do to make things better, I told him that we need to be done with porn, strip bars, ect and just focus on us. When we went out later that day he pointed out a woman and said “oh my God look at her”. Of course I was hurt by that.

I am very confused about things. I am the one who suggested the porn, swing club, ect, so I feel responsible. But I feel like he takes advantage of me all the time. And this is yet another hurt after everything else. I just want other people’s opinions about the situation ( if u make it thought this and are posting, then thank-you) I don’t know how to tell when it is time to call it quits in a marriage.

**oxy-moron** · 04-18-2011 02:57 AM

Hi

You are playing a dangerous game relationship wise , considering the level of insecurity shown by your husband. ( And possibly from you)
From my experience trying something new can provide a high for the relationship lasting for weeks or months but often it is followed by a trough or low point.
Possibly go back a step or two and rebuild slowly towards where you want to go - but do it slowly and think through the possible consequence of each step.
Sometimes planning and anticipating can be better than the actual event.

**spurzzz** · 04-18-2011 04:00 AM

You think you love your husband? You should know or there is a problem right there...

I don't see why you would risk going to a swingers club or a mardi gras event just to spice things up...........and your partner getting mad for you not wanting to go is just petty. The majority of sex and love should be in the bedroom in which should be able to enjoy each other and nothing else....going to strip bars, watching porn and talking of swinging describes boredom to me and huge insecurities within the relationhip. The moment someone is prepared to share his partner with another body sexually is the moment there is no love.

You guys have been together for a long time getting through so much trials and tribulations from the word go so congratulations. You have much to be greatful for including each other and the kids. My suggestion is to have a good sit down together and talk about your priorities and what it is you both want and do not want ------- don't go running into new ideas like headless chickens waiting to smack into something that you may not be able to recover from!

Best of luck!

**Claret** · 04-18-2011 04:57 AM

You leave when the pain of leaving is less than the pain of staying, emotionally, physically and financially.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-18-2011 05:33 AM

There has to be a balance, what does it matter how smart you are verses his education or you spice things up he agrees yet it's not what he wants.

What he wants is purely you to accept him for him...

You see yourself as a non equal and that sex maybe the answer in spicing it he sees, love me for whom I am, I am who I am and I love you...otherwise I wouldn't get jealous.

You compare...don't compare....

see it...the inner person whom is asking you to see him.

cw

**Northstar** · 04-21-2011 06:04 AM

Ugh, I posted a reply the other day and it seems to have been lost to cyber space!

Oxy- I agree that we have been playing a dangerous game. We even talked about it but both wanted to check out the club anyway. I did a lot of online research and read lots of couples opinions about going to swing clubs. I found that there were a lot of people who just went for the atmosphere and were not into other people. If there was good communication in the relationship there didn't seem to be a problem with doing this. Our problem was that our relationship was not stable enough to do it. We have taken a huge step back right now and I dont think I ever wanr to move this far forward with him again. I would have been ok with it but he wasnt completely honest with me about his feelings so I wont trust him to do this kind of thing again. It is just too big of a risk.

Spurzzz- I dont know how I feel right now. I am very confused! We have been together a long time and I do care very deeply for him but I just dont know If I love him anymore after everything he has put me through. I believe that a marriage should be about supporting each other and encouraging your partner to do the best that they can in life. I feel like he has held me back because he is alwas afraid of losing me. But until recently, I have always loved him and supported him. When I look at the struggles that I have had over the past 15 years, most of them have been because of him. Now that he knows I am serous about a possible seperation, he is doing everything I always asked him to. He is talking to me openly, and making love to me rather than it being just about sex. I have begged him for these things for years. He always told me that it is just not him. He doesn't talk. He doesnt make love the way that I ask him to. |These were his excuses. But now all of a sudden he is doing these things. That hurts me even more because I know that he just never wanted to try. When we went to the strip bar together, it was wierd, when we were together after that night it felt like more than sex, I felt a strong connection. I guess that I have just been trying to get that same connection back by doing other things.

Claret, Right now I feel like it is equal. There areequal amounts of good and bad, this is what is so confusing to me.

CW I feel like I have always accepted him, but he lets his own insecurities make him feel like I dont. I only compare because he compares. I do not care about his level of ecucation, job, ect. I have told him that many times. I just want him to be happy, but nothing ever makes him happy. When he complaines about his job, I tell him to find something else. He says that there is nothing else he knows how to do. So I tell him to get some new still to change it, but he doesnt want to. I went to school to follow my passion. He does not have a passion like I do. He just wants material things, or to spend money on going out. He is too busy thinking about the next thing he wants to enjoy what he has in front of him. I think he is a wonderful person who has a lot to offer me, his children and the rest of the world, he just doesnt see that. Instead he lets his insecurities control his actions, and in turn he is always trying to control me so I wont leave him. I never wanted anything else but to be with him and love him. He has just hurt me so much that I dont know if I can take it anymore. I need to be free to be who I am. I am not his caged animal.

**spurzzz** · 04-21-2011 10:43 AM

"Now that he knows I am serous about a possible seperation, he is doing everything I always asked him to"

Yea that figures, its funny in a bad way how people manage to perform such incredible tasks with ease when the backsides are against the ropes. My advice here is to make sure he knows you are serious and that you will not tolerate a 2nd rate marriage anymore. He either steps up or your shipping out!

"That hurts me even more because I know that he just never wanted to try"

Make a list of all the marriages good and bad points and see what improvements you both want to make it a pleasant experience for the pair of you. I mean 15 years together is an incredible achievement and there must be many points excluding the kids that have made the marriage last that long. Its all about communication at this stage and taking each other for granted. Why not set yourselves goals and achievements within the marriage as incentives to create that spark back, perhaps daily or weekly tasks you both must do for one another.........whatever rewards you may want to implement I leave to your solitary imagination

**evilgothicjenn** · 04-23-2011 12:24 PM

Ouch. Seems like you started it, I will agree. But if you started it, you should be able to end it, and he should comply. Maybe not taking all of everything away at once, like, tell him to stop pointing out hot women, quit with the strippers n swingers, but keep the porn (not un-godly amounts) in the equation, along with "kinky" new and fun things that mainly involve you. If he can't give up the other b!tches, he isn't worth the effort.

**Sacha67** · 04-25-2011 08:30 AM

The time to call it quits is now. You have a right to happiness. He isn't the villain and neither are you. People change and so do relationships. It sounds like you both try very hard to be good parents to your children, you can continue to do that but from outside a marriage. Divorce doesn't have to mean you failed, or the marriage failed or even that everything you tried was useless. In your case, I'd say divorce just means the marriage has come to an end. This part is over, finish the marriage with as much kindness as you can, but leave now. Do whatever you need to and be happy.