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Thread: How to heal after husband's emotional affair

  1. #1
    OCTOBER 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array Crystalblue's Avatar
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    Default How to heal after husband's emotional affair


    My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We've got two kids & a loving relationship. We rarely fight and argue, and we're both good at compromising for each other. I've always trusted him, but 2 months ago I noticed some red flags that led me to find he was having not 1, but 2 emotional affairs. 1 with an online friend he games with, they were masturbating on web cam through skype. The other with a friend he's known for 16 years, he was sending her texts about her while he masturbated. He said the skype girl was going on for about a month & his friend for 6 months. I don't know if there's more. He only told me about what I caught him at & didn't really admit anything freely. He says he'll do whatever it takes to work through this including cutting contact with both of them. He says this, but 2 weeks ago he got a message from skype girl & he replied to it! She said that she missed him & laughing with him. His reply wasn't flirty, it was actually kind of impersonal, but he opened the door back up by replying at all. I was livid & said I didn't understand why this was so hard for him to do for me. He said it wasn't hard & he wouldn't have done it at all if he knew I'd get so mad. It made me worry even more that he thinks anythings ok as long as he doesn't get caught.
    I made the conscious decision to forgive him, but I'm really struggling with the emotional healing. I'm working to spend more time doing things with my husband because we had drifted apart through the years. We were at home together during our free time, but he would stay in our room playing video games while I would be working in my garden or hanging out with our kids. I started writing my thoughts out which is helping me organize and interpret my feelings. It also helps me talk about anything I'm struggling with, with my husband. I can talk to him calmly instead of trying to get everything out at once & coming off as aggressive. I started praying to. There was a lot of relief in that. I can't trust my husband, but I can trust God, so I've asked for help with forgiveness, strength to work through this & courage to make a new life if that's the path I'm supposed to take. I also asked for my husbands to come to me broken and unguarded so he could admit everything to me without holding anything back, and that if I was being deceived it be revealed undeniably. I've talked with friends about what I'm going through & they've been supportive & helpful, but I'd really appreciate advice from someone whose gone through this, or is going through this

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array spurzzz's Avatar
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    Aww bless you seem really sweet, and seem to have a good heart. Your husband is foolish to have done what he has done.

    And foolish is the word. Are you sure it is definately only emotional cheating and nothing more? I mean the girl on skype actually said she misses him and he felt compelled to answer - that is a big problem right there to be honest. What if she eventually told him I want to have sex with you in person? Can you trust him that much to say he would not be that weak?

    And the girl he has known for 16 years, to have anything remotely sexual whether physical or emotional with her should be out the question completely or it becomes a major issue. What has gone on there?

    He doesn't want to admit anything freely you say, then how on earth does he feel you will be able to trust him?

    You seem to nice for your own good unfortunately, don't be a pushover for him as we all know if someone gets away with it once then why not a second time. We all know what troubles relationships can go through the longer it progresses especially sexually and ultimately it relies on the couples ability to communicate each others frustrations and problems on a regular basis and a matual respect on both sides to be able to work hard at rendering them.......
    You state that you drifted apart over the years and understandably it became second nature.

    Your husband has sexual needs just like you do. If you guys haven't had intercourse in a long time? them that spells trouble. What your husband did was wrong but the only salvage point you need to make sure of is that it was only emotional.

    Have a good hard chat with him and lay down the ground rules. If he steps beyond his mark and you catch him doing that nonsense again make sure he knows what to expect! At the same time, you both need to talk to each other on how to improve the relationship and what each others wants are.

    10 years is a long time, I wish you guys the very best.
    I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
    Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

  3. #3
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    To heal & to gain trust you need time.. keep praying, believe in Him. Im not a relationship expert but i will tell you my experience. I've been through this, my partner was cheating physically with my very very best friend.

    cut the story short, the feeling was dreadful, hurt sooo soo bad, stabbed from back & front, humiliated, tears wont stop, to pass day by day is the hardest thing to do.

    For start, nice to hear you start praying, u will feel a lot better & lighter. seek His guidance and u will find it.

    People around me disbelieve that knowing me can still hang out with my best friend, i dont hate her anymore, i love her just the way i love her before it happen. I forgive my partner, and forget everything that ever happen.
    Through Him you can. You got to have faith in Him.
    When you start to forgive, you realized slowly you will forget it was ever happen, sort of erase from your memory, it bury deeply in your heart even though if you keep digging you dont feel the pain anymore. Thats when you know, He heals you.

    You seem really nice & patient. I'll pray for you & your husband, All the best for your family.

  4. #4
    OCTOBER 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array Crystalblue's Avatar
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    Thanks for the replies. To spurzz, I'm not sure how far his deception took him. I know the skype girl lives in another state & he's never physically met her, but not sure how far it went with his friend. I trusted him & rarely ever went with him when they hung out. He says they never had sex though. It's hard to believe him because he fed me lies and told me half truths when I was trying to get what all had happened. We had sex regularly though, at least 4 or 5 times a week. As long as we've been together, I think we are ok in that department. Not that good sex means healthy relationship. I think there's still a lot I need to examine about that. I really didn't even notice we were having trouble until this happened. I think we need to learn to have fun outside the bedroom again. It's hard when money's tight, but we've been watching movies or tv shows together & have a new brunch date saturdays. We take the kids with us and go out as a family. Trying to come up with more, but he's on his feet all day at work so I'm trying to think low energy for him. I want it to be enjoyable for both of us.
    I do feel like I'm being a push over sometimes, but that's not to say I haven't made demands. I even opened a savings account with his money & told him I was putting money back from each check & that he could think of it as his insurance to me that he wasn't going to keep treating me like this. I made it clear I would leave if he wasn't giving me 100% of himself.
    To havefaith, it's great to hear there's hope to making it through this. My pain is less, but still constant. One friend in particular has been great about getting me out and about so I'm not alone during the day making myself crazy thinking about all this. I wish there was a quick fix, but realize it's gonna take some time. I'll keep praying for guidance. I never would have pictured us going through anything like this & my heart goes out to all the people struggling through this.

  5. #5
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array spurzzz's Avatar
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    "I never would have pictured us going through anything like"

    The amount of different problems couples have in a relationship is endless and quite frightening. A lot of the reasons I find are linked to our 21st century modern lifestyle and how much temptation/sexual brainwashing there is around us at all times. Sex is always on the brain and is made the focal point of a relationship and so couples are fighting endless battles in this field to constantly feel satisfied. I would think your husband would have been content with having sex so regularly with his wife 4/5 times a week and too tired from work to Masturbate on skype, just seems silly.

    Maybe you guys need to spice up the activities in the bedroom to keep things exciting, rather then just plain sex.

    As I see it, every couple needs to work hard on their relationship and never take one another for granted. Start going out as a couple, just the pair of you and start to enjoy each others company as friends as well as couples...and money cannot be an excuse for not doing this. Regular walks in the park, playing a sport together, exploring places, plenty to do that does not require money

    That savings account idea is absolutely brilliant, well done for that. I think everyone should do this to not segregate themselves in hopelessly depending on an individual in turn giving them total control. Keep saving and make sure he knows!

    The pain unfortunately will be constant as your mind will never be settles unless it has its answers. Your subconscious is desperately seeking the answers that your conscious is posing and so you will be restless. The key is to talk to your partner, let your emotions out and make sure he tell you the truth and to swear on it whatever you can do to settle your mind. If you believe him, let it rest and don't use it against him or your relationship will never be the same again and nor will you. Just be secure in yourself and the relationship, be greatful and appreciative of what you have and work hard to maintain it.

    And of course keep the prayers up

    God Bless you and your family, I wish you well.
    I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
    Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

  6. #6
    OCTOBER 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array Crystalblue's Avatar
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    I've put a lot of energy into bringing us closer the last month and a half. I picked out new outfits to wear in the bedroom, we went to an adult store and picked out some "toys", and we took a weekend getaway at the beginning of the month that was long over due. No site seeing, just got a nice room and only left to eat. It was great! I'm still focused on keeping our together time going. I'll go online and find more cheap date ideas. I'm hurt, but we still have a good relationship and enjoy each other's company. It's weird, but I guess I've managed to keep what he did from poisoning all the good parts we still had in our relationship. Not sure how to explain it. It's not denial, we still talk about what we need to fix. Recently I came to the realization that his job was to earn back the trust he broke, but he can't fix what broke inside me. I've gotta find my own cure for that. No quick fix for that either, but haven't lost hope. I make sure I'm taking care of myself, excersizing, writing, praying, talking with friends that give me support... Any other suggestions? I really appreciate this forum. God bless all these strong souls!

  7. #7
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array spurzzz's Avatar
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    "I make sure I'm taking care of myself, excersizing, writing, praying, talking with friends that give me support... Any other suggestions?"

    Yea, spend loads of time on Womens Health! Great bunch of people here, like a little family =)

    How about taking up a new hobby? Or play more of something you enjoy doing. Learning to cook is always therepeutic, not that im saying you can't already! Also why not educate yourself as much as you can on taking a relationship that step further, implementing new varied exciting ideas into a relationship is always fun and beneficial for everyone concerned. Get involved with a charity even, participating in fund raising events.......
    I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear!
    Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't

  8. #8
    OCTOBER 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array Crystalblue's Avatar
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    Lol. I burn water! Not as bad as that, but might look up some new grilling recipes. Taught myself last summer & my wings are awesome! Great ideas though. Been telling myself I need to start drawing again. Was working on water painting when my youngster hit 2 & hadn't picked it back up. It's been 2 years since I've worked on anything. I've thought about volunteer work, 2. Might help more if I actually do it. Thanks for the ideas.

  9. #9
    OCTOBER 2011 POSTER OF THE MONTH Array Crystalblue's Avatar
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    This is day number 1 for taking a break from going through my husbands accounts online. I prayed about this for a long time & talked it out with a friend. I decided that looking through all his stuff was doing me more harm than good. Even though I did find that message & his reply, all the times of not finding anything weren't at all comforting. I feel like I need to just ask him about what I'm looking for instead of continuing with this obsessive behavior of checking emails, facebook, phone records, & gaming forums 2 to 3 times a day. It felt like it was putting more of a wedge between us because i wanted to hide what i was doing, too. I need to give him a chance, whether it's to fix things & be a loyal husband or get away with more that would hurt me, only God knows. I've always thought that what a person does when no one is watching says a lot about their character, so this will give him a
    chance to show me what he's made of. Besides, the trust has to start somewhere. I'll let go, take a leap of faith, & pray for a soft landing. I need some feed back on this. What do y'all think?

  10. #10
    TEAM ADMIN Array CHANDLERS WISH's Avatar
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    I'm working to spend more time doing things with my husband because we had drifted apart through the years. We were at home together during our free time, but he would stay in our room playing video games while I would be working in my garden or hanging out with our kids.
    Nobody could ask for a better wife, in the true meaning of the word in bringing through togetherness, holding the relationship together and working the relationship...

    There is such a thing as addiction, it is a true word.. If throughout the 10 years, he spent considerable time playing video games, then there is facebook, gaming forums, he may like being "someone different" and plays out those fantasties to the "internet world", a phone is still not in person, it's texting.

    You talk about people's "characters" ... And you talk about your sex life as good, consistant, not withholding even buying toys, outfits..

    Look at the "character" allow him to play a character..I think there is something to be said there, based on all you have written...

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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