Is he unhappy?

**BasketCase** · 04-25-2011 11:06 AM

Most of you know that I got married in december. Something is a little off with my husband. For starters we haven't had sex in almost three weeks, and he doesn't seem to have even noticed. He complains a lot now. About the state of the house, money (we have hit a bit of a rough patch finacially because we had a lot of money stolen from us and because I had to pay out a lot for my mothers memorial/cremation , because she didn't have life insurance) and various other things. He is a lot less affectionate and gets angry at the drop of a hat. Could he be having some post wedding fears? Does it seem like he might be regretting his choice to marry me? If I ask him about any of these changes he either shuts down or gets angry.

I have been very deppressed about the death of my mother, she was very young and it was unexpected. So not I just have this feeling like I would be happier if I could just get away from his moods for a little while. But I am not sure if it's me or him that's causing this rift because I have been so deppressed. I have been hanging out with friends a lot more often myself. I just can't stand sitting around anymore. And he never takes me out, but thats more of a money issue I think.

It's gotten so bad that I have considered just packing up and leaving and starting over, but the only thing that stopped me was that I would have to explain to everyone why we only lasted 5 months. That shouln't be the reason I changed my mind should it??

How can I get out of this funk so that I can look at the situation it a different light.

**pretzel** · 04-25-2011 11:48 AM

Considering all that's happened to the two of you, I'd say yes, he's unhappy. But more than likely not with you nor with having second thoughts about marrying you.

At a time when the two of you were just getting started in your new life, you lose your mom very unexpectedly and was a devasting blow probably to him also.

Add to that the fact that the money that was supposed to go to you and he for your future is now gone. It's not the money that went for your mom's funeral expenses, but the money that was stolen.

He's reacting to the situation, not with what he has. He needs to let go of those things that he can't do anything about. He won't get the money back so he needs to let that go.

In time both of you will have finished grieving the loss of your mom. It may be at different paces but it will happen.

**jns** · 04-25-2011 01:27 PM

To further what pretzel said, he isn't into having sex because he is depressed about the whole thing and he cannot just fix it. This has destroyed his libido. For you it would be reconnecting, but for him it would be a moment of excitement when he shouldn't be excited about anything. Try doing things together that don't cost much, like going for a drive just because. Let the conversation be light, talking about maybe the changes in the neighborhood. Gradually get around to the elephant in the middle of the room, both of your emotional states. Be reassuring. Don't try to solve all of your problems at one time, take it slow. In fact, try to only tackle one situation at a time. Later gradually warm him up to touching and hugging again. After that, slowly get back into a full relationship.

He gets angry about you broaching the subjects of getting married or his choice in women. He is certain both were right decisions, but the number of issues he has on his plate do not allow him to concentrate on assuring you that those were right decisions. Its aarrgghh, let me sort through things before you have me make decisions. Reconnecting will help him be assured that he has made the right choices.

**caterpillar79** · 05-08-2011 09:28 PM

I can relate to you, hun. But don't worry, it is not you. He has a lot to sort out and so he needs some more time to himself. Too much stress gets down his libido. Try to deal with your own depression in order to make it easier for him as well. Keeping you both fed, clothed and sheltered while keeping his job and house, and paying bills are enough to make a newly wedded man anxious (I have seen that in my hubby - we got married in Dec 2009).

Find a counselor, an elder at your church, or a trusted friend to talk things to. Journalling everyday also helps you process your emotions, as well as reading self-help books. Try to read, "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron and do the workbook (or use a notebook to use as journal). Doing this or any other activity aside from an activity together would help you.

I believe that in order for a partnership to stay happy and stable, each of you has to have something to bring/add to the table. If you can be his source of comfort, such that you do not rely on him solely to get out of your depression from your mom's passing, that would help him cope better and faster.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-10-2011 07:38 AM

You've been through so much lately, it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling stressed and worried. I would like to say that after the unexpected death of your mother, he "should" be trying very hard to make you feel better, to console you, to plan enjoyable things with you. You don't need to be rich to go on a picnic, sit on a blanket and eat sandwiches. I don't know if he was close to your mother, but if he was perhaps he is grieving as well? Or perhaps he's just not a very compassionate person and doesn't know how to deal with your grief.

If, it is the financial situation causing him to behave towards you in this way, I would say that's pretty selfish on his part considering you've just lost your mother and there is truly nothing in the world more important than that right now.

I think sitting down with him at a time when tensions aren't high and really having a good heart to heart about what you're feeling is a good idea.