I made a big mistake and I don't know what to do!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-22-2011 02:54 AM

You said, "maybe" and he did not say don't you dare.....................

And so you are excited why shouldn't you be? You are married?

So you stop apologising and you make a stand, I said maybe, I am excited to be married to you, I don't care what commotion it causes, it's done, it's time to show me, that you are excited as well.......

And say nothing more.

He needs to realise that you did not do anything wrong you didn't make a promise until the pair of you decided, together, to tell people....

Sure obviously, your family and his are going to be upset, they weren't part of it....You did something without involving them through fear. There you need to advise that you will hold a party in their honor and you felt you couldn't tell them that they wouldn't approve but it's done.

Again, there you both have to make a stance.

JNS again as usual is also correct, you've married someone that you can't communicate with, he's making you feel guilty for what? Stand up for yourself mam in a nice way, not in an arguementive way but in a standing up for the fact you didn't lie and have no reason to feel guilty and he needs to apologise for that

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-22-2011 12:30 PM

Good grief. Most people do NOT want to keep a marriage a secret, in almost every culture there is a HUGE to-do about it... from the first showing of the engagement ring to all the friends and family... announcements in the newspaper, save the date invitations, big weddings, gifts... its like people shout it from the roof tops (whether others care or not lol). Basically, its almost universally, a celebrated event.

Marriage is a huge life-time commitment and starting it out in secrets and lies is a BAD move. Asking someone to LIE about the truth (as your husband requested of you) is no way to start a healthy marriage. His response to you divulging your truth to a dear friend was almost childish, so much so that I hope you aren't offended when I ask how old you guys are?

If you agreed to this secret, then yes, it was wrong for you to tell your friend without discussing it first with him. You guys are partners now and your obligation is to each other more than to anyone else, your husband should come before your family and your friends... its just the way it is. You have agreed to bond your life to him, so your loyalty belongs to him....

But in marriage compromises must be made... and if you were not happy keeping it a secret and wanted to tell a friend, he should have been understanding of that... you have to stand your ground and not agree to things (like keeping the secret) unless you really mean them. Communication is key, compromise is a must...

And you should not have to hide a marriage.

**WildChild** · 05-22-2011 01:31 PM

The purpose of a marriage ceremony is to make your commitment public knowledge.

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-22-2011 02:47 PM

I see no point in marriage if its going to be kept a secret. I think many couples get married as a statement anyway, to say here we are publically saying we are committed to each other, wish us luck. I think if there were no weddings, I think if it was all kept hush hush, people would not get married-- Its almost as if, in many cases, that the marriage isn't about the commitment to one another (that has usually been established long before a couple walks the aisle) its usually about cementing that commitment in front of the world, an announcement of sorts of its own.

**WildChild** · 05-22-2011 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

the marriage isn't about the commitment to one another (that has usually been established long before a couple walks the aisle) its usually about cementing that commitment in front of the world, an announcement of sorts of its own.

This is absolutely true. The couple has already made the commitment, the marriage makes it public in front of witnesses.

**Katsaly** · 05-22-2011 03:17 PM

I can understand the part where you get married in secret to avoid conflict, but usually once you are married there is nothing anybody else can do about it. If you actually want to be married to each other, this is the part where you show up together and announce to your families that you eloped. Being secretly married makes no sense unless you are planning an annulment.