Is It My Fault?

**vickypollard** · 05-12-2011 05:14 AM

My relationship with my husband has broken down over the past few years, especially since our second child was born. He seemed to expect me to be exactly the same as I had been before we had children i.e. me doing everything for him. After our second child was born I was feeling overweight and unattractive, sore from breastfeeding, I was also preoccupied by this wonderful new arrival in our lives. I was partly disappointed by his lack of joy and interest in the baby, he was in a bad mood and even shouted at me once on the evening we brought the baby home from hospital just because I said we'll have to take it in turns to have dinner now we have a new baby. He told me recently that I had pushed him away when he wanted sex when the baby was a few months old. I don't remember, but I remember him getting angry when I didn't want to do something in bed and he physically held me down for a few seconds while he did it. I was shocked and angry. It's the first time he's been aggressive like that. He isn't violent at all, although he does shout sometimes when he loses his rag. Anyway, I was so tense after that I dreaded going to bed. When I confronted him about it he said 'what was I supposed to do?'. Of course, I don't feel passionate towards him now, although I've never been a very passionate or adventurous person like him. He can't see any fault with himself. He's angry with me for the breakdown in our marriage and I just feel sad. I want the old him back, he wants the old me back. I feel so pessimistic about our future. Should I let him go to the woman he's been cheating on me with for the past two years or try to resolve things?

**Crystalblue** · 05-12-2011 07:03 AM

Holding you down after you say no is rape! Of course you would lose your passion for someone who would violate your marriage like that. Is he still cheating on you? To me it sounds like he's completely selfish and uncaring of the needs of your family. Taking care of kids takes a lot of work & energy, & it sounds like all of his focus is on what he wants with complete disregard to your feelings & what's right. You should ask yourself first if you should resolve things. Talk to your husband about what you're going through. Is he remorseful or continuing the same behavior? You can't fix something that he's going to continue to do & that is in no way your fault! I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'll pray that you find your way through it. Just know that this isn't your fault. You didn't do anything to deserve being treated that way.

**pretzel** · 05-12-2011 08:10 AM

If I could, I'd like to add to what Crystalblue said.

In your OP, you seemed to make it clear that your husband's wish is to have you both be the way you were before children. Well, speaking as a father of two, life changes. Neither of you are the people you used to be. Children bring a special joy into our lives which we need to take great pains to nuture them. I get a sense from your OP that he sees this as your responsibility. With that I call BS.

Further down, you mention that he has been having an affair for a couple of years? To me, that is the ultimate in disrespect toward you. That it has been going on, you apparently are aware of it, and the way he has treated you for the last couple of years is very unsettling, in my opinion.

**WildChild** · 05-12-2011 08:44 AM

Sounds like you have 3 children to deal with. OR at least 2 children and one very childish man.
Did you agree to an open marriage?
Did you know before you got pregnant a second time that he was cheating?
Holding you down, even without violence while he performs a sexual act on you that you refused, is at very best an extreme level of disrespect and just using your body for his needs without consideration for you, but most people would call it rape.

**MarcnMona** · 05-12-2011 01:49 PM

Well...

There are so many issues that you guys are faced with and you don't seem to be dealing with any of them at all. The biggest problem that I see here is LACK OF COMMUNICATION.

You have to decide. WHAT DO YOU WANT, WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND WANT? Do you want to work it out with your husband or are you ready to move on? Nothing is wrong with trying to work things out. It is understandable, he is the father of your children and if you still love him, then, why not? You guys need to first figure out exactly what your problem is; find the root of your problem and work them out one by one and day by day. You guys BOTH went wrong by allowing your problems to get so badly. Your husband has been cheating on your for years now [from what I have read] and I can understand how much damage this has been on your emotions, your body, your everything... This is not something that can be easily dealt with. BUT you can overcome it.

You need to talk to your husband. Do not allow him to walk all over you. He has broken the bond and the trust that has taken years to form. This too you can also regain. It just takes TIME, HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION FROM BOTH OF YOU. You want back the old him and vice versa but are you guys willing to do the work to later on reap the rewards?

In relationships it's a give and take situation. Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and do things that you know that your husband might enjoy. It's called love. You make sacrifices. And he should do the same for you.

I am not judging you for the choices you have made, because I am not in your situation I can not and might never fully understand what you are going through. I know this is a rough time for you, for both of you.

I am a Christian and according to the Word, God does not like divorce, but of course there is a ground for divorce which is committing adultery. BUT if you choose to forgive your husband then forgive him and move on. You can not later on decide after forgiveness to divorce him, things don't work like that. It is better for you to separate and try to work things out and decide where you will go from there. If you find that things cannot be worked out then proceed with the divorce. REMEMBER the Lord has called us to be at peace with each other.

**PRAYER goes a long way.**

ALSO, don't spend time blaming yourself. Make better use of the time of figuring out how to fix your problems. Blaming yourself does not help. Once you have accepted that you guys are in deep troubled waters it is time to come forward with solutions. There are two persons in a relationship so you can not be solely to blame.

GOD LOVES YOU SWEETIE!!

**vickypollard** · 05-13-2011 08:20 AM

I found out about my husband cheating when the second baby was about 2. He showed me the internet dating web site he was looking at and said, among other things, that having sex once every few weeks 'doesn't count' (ie we were in a sexless marriage), therefore he was looking for someone to fulfil his needs. The violation of our marriage that I mentionned in my post is the main thing that made me cool off. I was hoping I could gradually forget it even though he wasn't sorry for what he did. He seems to think that sex is the way to resolve things. There are several other issues that come between us - his irritability at me when I make mistakes, raising his voice in an argument (when I never do), lack of help with the children, not doing any jobs on the house, travelling to lots of conferences and asking me for financial help when he should have been at home with me and the baby. Another thing is that he doesn't talk to me much and seems to think I'm boring or something. I'm also an intelligent person. I know it's difficult with noisy kids around all the time but even when we go out he sometimes doesn't want to bother talking to me if he doesn't feel like it.

**Crystalblue** · 05-13-2011 08:39 AM

That sounds horrible for you! I can't imagine being hurt like that & him not even caring or feeling like he had done something wrong. & I thought something was wrong with my husband's moral compass! Acting like that in a marriage is ridiculous. You can't forgive what he's done if he's going to keep doing it with no remorse. That's not up to you anymore. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It seems with him not even being able to communicate with you, the only way to find out if he can wise up and fix this, would be some kind of counseling. I don't think someone that selfish would listen to reason though. I picture it about the same as trying to beat through a brick wall with your head. I hope you can decide what's right for you & your kids. I'll pray that you get the strength and guidance you need.

**vickypollard** · 05-14-2011 05:37 AM

I'd like to thank you all for your emotional support and insight. There are some things I can't tell anyone face to face but this anonymous web site allows me to be more open. The trouble seemed to escalate around the time I stopped giving financial support for his travels abroad. My family had the means to fund the mortgage of our house but now he's having to pay for much more than he did before and I'm wondering if that's why he's losing interest. He's two years older than me but I admit probably a bit better looking than me (although I lost weight after the second child and he's our last). Now his career is developing he's ego seems to have grown out of proportion. He's always been very willing to express his love verbally and in the bedroom, but not practically and in more caring ways. He also gets very, very uptight when I try to discuss money or plan spending with him. I don't know why he's much worse than he was before we had kids. His relationships with his friends seem to be breaking down, too. He says he's arguing with everyone because he's depressed and I'm causing it. I wish I could help him. He was at least until recently seeing 3 or 4 women at the same time and I don't know if he's a sex addict or what. He also wants sex in public places but I don't want to get arrested! I'm not a prude but at his age (40) and with 2 kids it's about time he grew up. What do you think?

**Crystalblue** · 05-14-2011 09:15 AM

I think you're exactly right. Once you're committed to someone & have a family to protect, you have to consider the consequences of your actions. IMO, that's not one of his concerns. He's only focused on his wants & your feelings don't seem to be anywhere on the list of what's important to him. Unless he can see that he's being selfish & hurting you, he won't even begin to feel the least bit sorry about it. To me, that means focusing on what's best for you and your kids. How long are you willing to be walked on like that & what will that teach your kids for their future relationships?

**caterpillar79** · 05-14-2011 10:00 AM

How selfish is this man?! I will repeat Crystal blue's question: How long are you willing to be like that? Think about how your kids would develop around this already broken marriage? I think it is better that kids grow up in a place where there is abounding love even in divorce (with you as the loving adult/parent) than have them in a "marriage" already broken with adultery, resentment, selfishness and what not.

The very fact that he doesn't respect you as his wife - to hold you down to have his way with you, to cheat on you, shout at you, not helping you with parenting, etc. are good enough reasons for me to tell you to step on the brakes and consider other options.

If i understand correctly, you have a job and a very supportive family, while he, even with a job still relies for you and your family's financial assistance. With that, he is not even receptive when you try to discuss budgeting with him! He has a lot of ego at his age. I hope you can talk him into consulting a marriage counselor and find a "neutral' person to help you resolve your issues. If he is not willing to do so, consider healthier options for you and your kids (divorce or legal separation).