Controlling me!!?

**Krazy_glu3** · 05-13-2011 01:23 AM

My husband is in the Marines and currently deployed. I, of course, have a facebook and a few other website like it. I was on one, and this guy sent me a message. Just an innocent message asking if I was ready for beach season and if it felt good outside. I replied, he replied back stating he was going to return home next month, same time my husband is. I then realized he's in the same battalion as my husband and is deployed with him, although they are in different battalions. We continued to message, just talking about random things, where we are from, talking about motorcycles, the weather.. just random things.. never once turning into anything sexual. I asked the guy if he knew my husband, but he said he didnt. So today sent my husband a message asking if he knew the other Marine. He said no and asked why. Thats when I told him me and him had messaged each other and had talked. He flipped out and told me I wasnt able to talk to any other Marine because it'll make HIM look bad. And 'thats how rumors are spread'. He's been bothering me all day, asking what we talk about, how we met, etc. This isnt the first time he's freaked out about me talking to another Marine. I live on base... Im surrounded by marines!!
When he continued to ask me what we talked about, I told him that I dont ask him about every conversation he has with other girls, so I dont appreciate him interrogating me about my conversations. He said he he wants to know what we were talking about.
This happens every time he finds out I'm talking to a guy, or even worse.. another Marine. Ive never cheated in my life and will never stoop that low. I have two kids with him and I cherish our family too much to go and screw it up. He's been known to go behind my back and talk to other girls, and meet up with them.. but I've never done that. Im a stay-at-home mother... I dont get out to make friends so I do it online. And then when I do make friends he asks me 100 questions about where we met, who he is, what we talked about, asks to see my conversation, etc. Idk what to do anymore :[
When I told him it was a Marine in his battalion but different company he said this: "hmm talk to other marine guys huh... this is how it starts... dont make me put you on the wall of shame..." -- at first I thought he was just joking.. but then he kept saying to stay away from marines..... I didnt want to deal with it all so I left the house to go cheer up.. I returned and found a reply saying that he knows i read the message before i left the house and that i was being an :\
I really dont know what to do anymore, or even say to him... I need advice.. This really sucks because hes a great guy... when it doesnt involve me talking to other guys -.-

**Krazy_glu3** · 05-13-2011 01:24 AM

different companies ****

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-20-2011 04:58 PM

It's difficult for him, he's probably watched many a mate, lose their wives through other guys coming on to them, seeing their vulnerablity, their need for comfort and he's scared that will happen to him

He needs even more re-assurance and honestly? The best way you can do that is to do what he asks, you are married, don't chat to other Marines, chat to their wives, make more female friends..I am sure it would be different if he was home, and you chatted with a male but it's hard when you are deployed, the last thing you need is to worry and have fear of losing your wife.

I am not saying you are doing anything wrong but he has to learn trust and that takes time, sometimes years... in this sort of situation...

CW

**Little** · 05-20-2011 07:36 PM

I've dated a few guys in the military, almost married a Marine. Most of my friends are in the military and I'm very familiar with the culture.
I'm gonna assume he's enlisted with my advice, there's a whole 'nother facet if he's an officer.
As CW mentioned, he's seen his friends go through the losses of their wives/girlfriends through cheating or just leaving. He probably sees it happen to someone every day. That will make anybody paranoid.
And as far as being "just" paranoid, there is a legitimacy to his fears - I 100% guarantee you that there are Marines just WAITING for an opening to pounce on the "easy sex" he can get from lonely wives/girlfriends. They will do and say anything to make it happen. So even though you may know you will never cheat, to him it may not be a one-person problem; he's thinking about Jody Got Your Girl and Gone.
You can also consider the level of control he has in his job and most of his life - the Marines doesn't let you make your own choices in most things. You are the only thing he can control, and he probably takes his frustrations out on you (as people tend to do with those closest to them.)
And his comment about "this is how rumors get started?" Unfortunately, this is true. Base is like high school! And wives with deployed husbands have a certain set of "rules," whether they're fair or not. You get talked about if others even THINK you're breaking them.

These are some of the many reasons I don't date military guys anymore - I just couldn't follow "the rules." But you're married in, so the only choice I see for you is to continue to reassure your hubby that you are never going to cheat on him. Try to get him to see reason, but also try to respect his "advice" (even if it's more of an ultimatum) not to relate to other Marines. His insecurity must be so great that he can only communicate it to you within the ultimatum. Maybe he just had a bad day, maybe somebody's wife just cheated on or left them. You can't know because you're not there.
To clarify: I don't think that his ultimatums okay or healthy. But I also don't think that his deployment is really the time to work through this insecurity.

I hope everything works out for you, and please keep us posted on the situation.

**Katsaly** · 05-21-2011 03:00 PM

I agree with what's been said and that you don't deserve to be treated like you cheated when you are just chatting on a computer.

However, one thing that pops up about this story is how you ended up talking to this guy? Were you looking for random people to chat with? Maybe you were and it's no big deal but I would find myself asking who this guy was and why he started talking to ME at that particular moment. But then, I don't like randomly being chatted up by complete strangers. It strikes me as a of a coincidence that a marine in your husband's battalion just randomly started talking to you in what we can assume is fairly limited free time. Your husband shouldn't be questioning you, but you BOTH should be questioning the intentions of this other marine.

**Krazy_glu3** · 05-29-2011 10:29 PM

Nah, I dont go looking for people to chat with. If someone messages me, with nothing sexual, I'll reply. I'm a nice person, but if they start turning it wrong, then I end it right then and there. I also tell people that I'm married, and I dont cheat. If they stop talking to me after that, no problem with me. I'm a stay-at-home mom in a state where I know nobody because we moved here less than a year ago. The only time I really talk to people is at the drive-thru or the cashier at walmart, lol.
The website will suggest people to talk to within so many miles of your location. I'm sure it just happened to be a coincidence that he picked me. But he hasnt messaged me in ... well probably since I wrote this, or a little before. My husband said he was 'sorry for being a jerk'. He said that two of his guys are getting divorces when they come home, and that he's scared I'm going to do that too. Uhm, I never have, and never will cheat. I would never meet up with someone of the opposite sex (like HE did when he was in Cali and I was back in Tx raising our two children... yeah.. see.. double standard. He can do it and I cant even talk to a guy... >:[). You know. I forgot about this whole fiasco until I visited the site again. Now I'm upset thinking about how much he's done wrong to me, but when I even talk to someone I get SO much about it.
I told him that we need to go to counseling (again) when he comes back home. He said we dont need to and that we can work it out by talking. 1) he wont talk.. never does 2) he's only saying that bc he doesnt want to pay for it (thats what he told me. OH, but he does want to spend money on buying a new grill!? Thankfully talked him out of that. So grill > our relationship?)
He's been acting nicer, almost too nice... to where I'm getting a lil skeptical, haha. Its not like him. But I will enjoy it while it lasts.

**Krazy_glu3** · 05-29-2011 10:30 PM

Nah, I dont go looking for people to chat with. If someone messages me, with nothing sexual, I'll reply. I'm a nice person, but if they start turning it wrong, then I end it right then and there. I also tell people that I'm married, and I dont cheat. If they stop talking to me after that, no problem with me. I'm a stay-at-home mom in a state where I know nobody because we moved here less than a year ago. The only time I really talk to people is at the drive-thru or the cashier at walmart, lol.
The website will suggest people to talk to within so many miles of your location. I'm sure it just happened to be a coincidence that he picked me. But he hasnt messaged me in ... well probably since I wrote this, or a little before. My husband said he was 'sorry for being a jerk'. He said that two of his guys are getting divorces when they come home, and that he's scared I'm going to do that too. Uhm, I never have, and never will cheat. I would never meet up with someone of the opposite sex (like HE did when he was in Cali and I was back in Tx raising our two children... yeah.. see.. double standard. He can do it and I cant even talk to a guy... >:[). You know. I forgot about this whole fiasco until I visited the site again. Now I'm upset thinking about how much he's done wrong to me, but when I even talk to someone I get SO much about it.
I told him that we need to go to counseling (again) when he comes back home. He said we dont need to and that we can work it out by talking. 1) he wont talk.. never does 2) he's only saying that bc he doesnt want to pay for it (thats what he told me. OH, but he does want to spend money on buying a new grill!? Thankfully talked him out of that. So grill > our relationship?)
He's been acting nicer, almost too nice... to where I'm getting a lil skeptical, haha. Its not like him. But I will enjoy it while it lasts.