he had an emotional affair....

**wendilee** · 05-19-2011 09:28 AM

A year and a half ago, i noticed some small changes in my husband of 9 years. he was on his phone alot, and i wasnt the only one who noticed. So on christmas eve, when i went to bed (he was passed out drunk on the couch, it was 2 am) i noticed he had new messages on his phone. my one rule has always been to respect privacy. I did however read his texts, the name was a guy he worked with, but i could tell it was a female, and he had plans to meet with her at 3:30 pm on christmas eve. I was devastated, cried, threw up, in a million years i would have never thought this of him. So i didnt say anything, just was waiting to see if he was gonna try to leave to meet her. at about noon i was on the computer and his phone was laying by the computer and he got a text from the same person. So i read it..
she texted...u alive?
i answered...yes
her....hungover?
me...no
her...how long did your home invasion last last night? (my family had been over)
me...til about 11
her...lucky you. lol
me..seems that way
her...you got eyes around too?
i was furious at this point, shaking uncontrollably, unable to even answer
her...whats wrong, you seem sad?
me...nothing's wrong. this is (his name) wife. What ......is wrong with you?
of course no response followed. I then took the phone and confronted him. asked him what was going on and who was it. he insisted that it was a guy from work. i knew he was lying. i told him to call him then and let me talk to him. He said no ones anwering, idk whats up. i told him that SHE wasnt answering because SHE thought it was me calling and she knew she had made a mistake. he tried to sneak off with his phone, and i told him that if he was gonna text her or call her he was gonna do it right in my face. He told me i was stupid, that he wasnt talking to no other female.
we had an obligation to go to his grandfathers house for christmas dinner, so we went, in separate cars, and i stayed away from him the whole time.
he went to bed when we got home, did not help with christmas presents for the kids. which was fine because i couldnt stand the sight of him.
he stayed in the bed for 2 days, while i cried and begged him to tell me what was going on. told him if he was man enough to do it, then he should be man enough to tell me to my face.
on the 2 day, in the evening, he asked me if we could go for a ride so he could talk to me, i knew that the news was going to be bad. He was having an emotional affair, telling this woman all of our problems, that mind you he would not go to counseling with me when i begged him to.
I told him he disgusted me and i would need some time to think. So after a week, i decided that i loved him enough to work on us. so we came to the conclusion together on things that we could do to make our marriage better. Date night every week, alternating cooking dinner and cleaning, movie night at home with the kids. texting to let me know where he is and when he would be home, and for 3 months it was awesome...well kinda...i was doing all the work, making all the plans, initiating everything, when in essence he should have been doing it. so i let it go and week by week, month by month we lost it again. I told him that i was unhappy, that i needed him to support me, but i got nothing, no emotional support at all.
on jan 22 of this year, i moved out of our bedroom, and told him that he needed to do some healing and decide how important our marriage was to him, because i could not go on one sided any longer. I attached myself to my friends so that i would have people to keep me sane.
he cried, begged, all the usual stuff. then it seemed like he was really trying...after 3 months of misery, i was so happy. i love this man, my soul mate, my best friend.
well this past weekend, he went to a baseball game with some guys from work, and the girl he had the affair with to begin with.
i know that i will never trust him again, he is a liar and a cheater. he doesnt deserve me at all.....but im scared to death to let go....HELP

**Crystalblue** · 05-19-2011 10:21 AM

I think we might be on the same page here. I feel all those things too. I'm still working through everything. Not sure how much progress has been made, but I guess I have good days & bad days. I don't know if I have any real advice at the moment, but just wanted you to know, you're not alone. I've read several posts about emotional affairs & it's sadly a pretty common problem. From reading everything, it seems like the deciding factor is if each side is willing to work through it. My main problem right now is trying to stay positive. I'm trying to notice when my husband makes an attempt to change something. It's really hard though. Progress isn't being made as fast as I'd like, but I'm trying to remember that there's no quick fix. I'm well aware that all my emotions are making me crazy & it's hard to tell what's genuine truth from my husband & what's manipulation. I just pray that everything works out the way it's supposed to & it will.

**wendilee** · 05-19-2011 11:04 AM

i really thought we were making baby steps. We were supposed to start "dating" this week. but knowing that he has either kept in contact for over a year, or sought this woman out again is too much for me to bare. The number one rule for moving on was for him to NEVER have any contact with her again. He lied about it, told me he didnt even remember her name. There is something about her that has drawn him to her not once but twice. my emotional turmoil is eating me alive. He made the decision to stop working on our marriage the moment she popped into his mind, and he acted on it.

**Crystalblue** · 05-19-2011 11:19 AM

Having no contact with her should be number one on his mind. I'm still unsure about where my husband stands on this issue. He had a friend he had known since high school that he was sending sexual text messages with & she still tries to contact him. His other emotional affair started through a video game & he still goes on & plays with her. He says he doesn't talk to her, but it still bothers me a lot. Your husband going to a baseball game with her should have been out of the question if he wants to rebuild your trust. I've never been good at relationship issues, but I wonder if at any point guys stop and question how this might make the other person feel. IMO there's no room for that kind of selfishness in a healthy marriage.

**Crystalblue** · 05-19-2011 04:51 PM

I was wondering about all your ups and downs while trying to work through this. Did y'all ever try counseling? Did you notice him making any improvements? I've been thinking a lot about what I need from my husband to start rebuilding trust, but it seems like he uses our talks to calm me down and reassure me, but then doesn't take any action from what I've told him. IMO it would help to act like we're starting over, go out & do stuff like we're just getting to know each other. That's how we built trust early in our relationship, so it seems like that would at least help. How often do y'all talk about where you're at with your feelings?

**wendilee** · 05-20-2011 08:34 AM

i actually have done alot. we did not try counseling, he was not willing. i talked to a counselor and did alot of activities, but as we all know if both parties are not willing, then it is useless.
this has been going on for a year and a half.
he not only went to the ballgame with her, but they spent the whole weekend together. i have read some of the texts they have shared, he has told her she is the woman he ruined his marriage for, that to me means he wants to be with her. he has told her "good night, luvs ya." they have exchanged inappropriate pics. he allowed her to say ugly things about me. he told her she was his only friend right now and he loves that he can talk to her everyday, anytime he wants. things he should have been saying to me. he has called her baby, sweetie, love.
and after all of this and the confrontation, he has still talked to her this week. and he asked me not to talk to any of my guy friends, and i havent. but he cant do the same things he is asking me to do. yet he is still crying to me and begging me to be with him. I know in my heart that he doesnt know what he wants, but i refuse to be second on his list.
i know it will be hard and i will miss him very much, but i know i can never be with him again.
thank you for talking and listening to me.
as for your situation, your husband definitly needs to stop playing games with the female and stop all contact, otherwise it will always be in your face, and as much as you may
love him, betrayal will always come back and smack you in the face.
ask yourself if you deserve this. ask yourself if you can really be happy with him again.
i did an exercise...i wrote down all the things i liked about him rite now, all the things that used to be good in our marriage, and the bad things in our marriage...the last 2 lists were so long, and i could barely think of anything to write on the first one.

**Crystalblue** · 05-20-2011 11:29 AM

I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I'll understand these kinds of actions. Why tell another woman how much they mean to you and that you love them, then beg your wife for another chance? Why try to go through all the work of healing a relationship and not let go of another woman that will send your marriage crashing down? Is it fear of the unknown new relationship? Fear of losing? I just don't understand... I get that there are a lot of factors that go into a marriage becoming vulnerable, but once betrayal has happened and there's a lot of hurt, what is the point of trying to work through it just to make the same mistakes again?

I've been trying to stay aware of what my husband has been trying to change, but it seems like he's trying to back peddle to where our relationship was at before, while I want it to be better than it was, stronger. Obviously we weren't doing well before if it was that easy to cross the line in the first place.

I still love my husband & there's a lot that I love about him right now, but I'm just not seeing any genuine effort from him.

Do you think your husband doesn't want to lose you, or that he's afraid to be alone? It seems like cutting contact would be an easy choice if he wanted the marriage to last. How long did y'all try counseling? I've been wondering if I should try to get us to a marriage counselor, but I don't wanna go and pretty sure my husband won't like the idea either.

The other thing I was wondering about was how you know it wasn't an all out affair? This is someone he sent intamate texts with and had meetings with, so are you sure they haven't had sex? Part of the reason I ask is because I still don't feel like my husband has come clean about everything he did. It feels like he's holding back from putting all of himself into rebuilding our relationship. My gut tells me that until he comes clean, he's not going to be honest with me or himself about what he wants.

I hope you can find a way to work through this and be happy. I wish there was an easy way. Carrying all these emotions is getting to be a major burden, so I'll hope and pray you can let go of them soon.

**Crystalblue** · 05-20-2011 11:31 AM

Sorry, just saw you said you did Not try counseling.

**wendilee** · 05-20-2011 11:54 AM

its ok, he wasnt willing to try counseling, told me that he didnt want someone he didnt know to tell him how to live. of course he ran to another woman and told her all kinds of stuff. as for do i know there hasnt been actual sex? i don't. and i don't believe him when he tells me it didnt happen. one of the texts he sent to her said..."lets meet up for something other than sex. ill buy you a nice lunch." to me that means that the other times they met up, there was sex involved. its crazy all the stuff you really learn when you snoop.
i was also not really seeing genuine effort. i felt like he wanted it to be all the way it was, and that was unhealthy. like he would say whatever it took for me to be back with him and yes he is very afraid to be alone. he was very dependent on me, i carried all of the load, and he is ok with that. one of the things he says all the time is that he's tired of being alone.
we are still in the same house together, separate bedrooms, its a rental and we are both on the lease, obligated. the lease runs out in october, but i know in my heart that i can not and will not stay in that house with him. when i look at him i am disgusted, hurt, angry....i have love for him and all the good years we had together, but i am no longer in love with him, and will never be able to give him 100 %. he refuses to believe me, tells me over and over how much he loves me, that we can fix this. its not a fixable situation. no words he can say will ever take the pain i am living in away.

**caterpillar79** · 05-20-2011 11:55 AM

How do you know it is not an all-out affair? Of course, he won't admit to anything. Just to be on the safe side, have yourself tested for possible STIs.

Some men want their cake and eat it too, that's how they're wired and that's how it's going to be. I hope your husbands are not like that. In order patch up a marriage after an (emotional) affair, both husband and wife have roles to play and jobs to do. The spouse who betrayed trust has to apologize, be willing to listen to the spouse he betrayed - of all the pain he caused her because of his affair, discuss the affair - how the affair came about, for the purpose of making precautionary plans in the future in order for the affair to not recur. He must be willing to CHANGE his lifestyle. It is not enough for him to say, "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again". Serious limits has to be made and should provide realistic assurances to his wife he had betrayed. (Cheat on me once, shame on you. Cheat on me twice, shame on me). Trust is very hard to rebuild but it can be. The spouse who betrayed must STOP doing the triggers that could cause the other some additional distress or suspicion.

He (the one who had the affair), has to be able to come up with a plan of the changes he needs to make and commit to doing them. It will be a very long period of healing and the more he delays doing it, the lesser the chances are of rebuilding the betrayed spouse's trust.

As for the betrayed spouse, you need to limit your questions into purposeful ones - "as a means to developing a marital plan for the future and rebuilding the trust on your husband" (from a book on Emotional Infidelity by Neuman). Bringing up the affair that happened over and over doesn't help either. You must resolve to move on. First, with him - if he apologizes, shows remorse and tries to change, and commits to healing your relationship with you by completely making a 180. If he doesn't, then you have the option to move on, but this time on your own.

Still do some counseling, but maybe since your husband is not wanting to join you, nor willing to patch things up with you, you should consider redirecting the counseling into how to move past betrayed trust, gaining back your self-worth/self-esteem, moving forward alone (life after separation/divorce). Get all the support that you can from those loving people around you - friends and family and you will be fine.

However, I hope before it is too late, your husband realizes how much he is missing. The thing with the other girl is that there is the newness and mystery, which most normally crave for. But that newness will also fade soon, and then what's left? He doesn't recognize that for a fact. You, two had that as well before, when you were just getting to know each other, all the sexual tension, the newness and vibrance, the mystery....I hope and pray you heal, together (better) or alone.

Wendilee, it seems like you are getting to a decision sooner than I thought. Good for you. You are strong and capable. Hold your head high.