My fiance runs away from anything that's not fun & happy

**jeckel&hyde** · 05-19-2011 10:12 AM

First, I'm sorry this is so long, I tend towards verbal diarhea.

I've been with my guy for 2 years, & our time has never been simple or easy. For starters, I'm 44, he's 28, & my mother has always disapproved.

The age difference has caused our relationship to have some different needs & expectations than, but we've been dealing with it alright. I have a very nasty ex husband, father of my kids, who has spent alot of time trying to make my life difficult since we separated 9 years ago, calling cops & children's aid & spca, telling the kids all sorts of rotten lies about me.

I'm a good person & mom & my kids know it & trust me, so we've managed through it. I have a spinal disease & joint issues which limits me a bit so far, but is progressing as time does. I suffer anxiety in fluctuating amounts, but aside from keeping me awake & worrying, it doesn't limit me much. Except that I've become nervous about being rejected/abandonned again.

As a child, among other things, I was told I was unloveable by my mother. When I was older & realized how wrong that was it took several years of counselling & work to put that behind me. Now it's back.

My guy is wonderful in many ways, but has several issues of his own. The biggest one for me is that he runs away any time there's a problem. I've told him how I feel, & that I need to be able to count on him to be strong enough & love me enough to stick by me. But it's still happening. I'm afraid to say anything when I feel hurt or scared or angry. It always ends with him deciding to pack his stuff &leave, we're done he says. But I can't keep it all bottled up, I know that's just a time bomb, so I keep trying.

I word things very carefully, but it doesn't matter. He gets very defensive, cuts me off in mid sentence & finishes it himself, wrongly of course. Then he's gone. When he calms down, days or week later & texts me that he's sorry & wants to come back. He promises it won't happen again. We've been going through this for most of the time we've been together, & I'm so very tired of being left alone to deal with all the , even stress that isn't about him or us.

He started going for counselling a couple of months ago. He doesn't like talking to strangers but he's willing to, & I appreciate that. I know change doesn't happen overnight & want to have the patience & energy to wait, but it's hard when this keeps happening once a month or so. I have little support, one awesome friend, & the past couple of years has been extremely stressful. She thinks I am the biggest softie on earth, because I forgive easily & give people many chances, even when it's draining me. She's right, I'm a mother to all type.

So how do I learn when to draw the line & say no when I don't want to? And is there any advice on how to help cope while I'm waiting for him. Or any tips onhow to get through to him how very important it is to me that I can trust him & count on him, that I need that stability & security.

I'm exhausted, & don't know how much longer I can do this...being alone but having someone is worse than being alone.

**WildChild** · 05-19-2011 11:27 AM

Obviously a 16 yr age difference puts you in different generations. You have the responsibility of a family and household to run and support. I would venture a guess that he has never had either responsibility?
Where does he go when he packs and walks out?
Who provides the financial support for your household?
Why does your mother's approval or disapproval matter?

You say you tend to "mother" all types and that you need to learn to draw the line and say "no".
This sounds like a related but separate issue.
What have you had trouble telling him "no" for?
Do you really have a mature relationship or is this one where its more like he wants a mother he can sleep with and sometimes call the shots with? That situation can exist with men your age, its even more likely with a good age difference.

Your statements that you need to be able to depend on him, to get stability and security from him, raise some red flags. You need to be strong enough in yourself and have a good enough support network that you are not dependent on a man for that, especially not dependent on a man who does not have the life experience that you do and is obviously not invested in you or your children. He is not your husband and he should be icing on the cake, not part of the main course at this point in time.

You don't mention any emotional ties.
What is good about him and the relationship?

**SaharaJim** · 05-19-2011 11:30 AM

Fiance? yet he runs away from anything.....Have you read the "traditional" marriage vows? I mean really..lately? The guy you describe...can you "see" him actually
fulfilling those "vows"? I love my wife...but I got to tell you that marriage ain't for sissies. Meeting the committments of a marriage leave no room to "run and hide". If your spouse isn't going to carry their share of the load it all falls on you. Most find this a "crushing" burden and the marriage fails.

Sickness AND health; richer OR poor, better OR worse. Next time he runs it might be a good idea to lock the door behind him IMHO,

**jeckel&hyde** · 05-19-2011 03:06 PM

Wild Child Thank you for the well thought out reply, I appreciate your time.
I understand the difficulties we face due to age, & thought long & hard before deciding to give it a shot. He has 2 kids, who he sees & helps support, regularly, so he has had some responsibility, but never had a household to think of.
When he packs & runs, he runs to his mom's, who is too convenient. But we all sat down recently & it was decided that he will not be allowed to run there, as we all agree it isn't helping. She & I get along well, thank goodness. So last time he slept in the car down the road, & this week he's only said he was going to & got so far as to pack & then realized he had nowhere to go. So he stayed, & he lived through it, & we made it through one, so it's a step in the right direction.
My mother's disapproval doesn't matter much, only that I love her & wish she wouldn't worry about me. But, being a mother myself, I know that never ends no matter how old you are. And my mother hasn't much faith in me due to her own insecurities & her perceived failures as a mother, some of which are true.

My difficulty saying no is indeed a separate issue. I like to mother/take care of everyone, but sometimes have difficulty realizing when taking care of them is costing me more than I can give. As my health isn't what it once was, I'm trying to learn my new limits, but I'm stubborn & used to being ultra capable, so it's a slow education.
I don't have a problem saying no to him for anything really, other than to agreeing to take him back. And the only problem with that was that it took a long time before I insisted he couldn't change on his own & would only try again if he sought help.
I have no experience with healthy relationships, never saw one or was involved in one, so I'm unsure what to expect exactly, but I'm intelligent enough to have an idea. He isn't as mature as I am, of course, & doesn't have the knowledge that I do. He has mental challenges, for example, a learning disorder, but he is growing & learning. I am aware of the mother/spouse possibility, & it concerns me of course, I worry about everything. But I don't believe that's the case. He has strengths that I admire & respect, including a few I'm lacking in, & vice versa. We work together on the household, finances, decisions etc. Our communication skills have deteriorated in the past few months though, & we both react more to negatives in our relationship than we used to. And so I worry about that too lol

As far as being able to depend on him, etc..I don't get my security from him, I'm secure in myself. I own a house, have raised 4 kids alone & well, have found & made my own way & am happy with myself (for the most part). I don't have a good support network, I'm too shy to meet people easily, & I'm very private. But I do have that one good friend who I trust implicitly for times when I need a sounding board, or feel a bit lost. I make good decisions, usually, but sometimes it's just helpful to have a second opinion, especially when anxiety causes me to think & rethink everything before making a decision & then worrying that I might have missed something & rethinking it some more. I do believe that a couple is stronger than a single, or at least should be, because they support each other & share the weight of both lives. To correct my earlier statement, we have lived together for 2 years, with the plan of marrying eventually, & we both have similar beliefs & expectations about what that means for us.

Emotionally..Simply, I love him & he loves me. We also like each other, good friends. We talk about anything & everything, laugh, enjoy nature & animals & the kids together, have a great sex life, & enjoy just being together. We struggle through health, finances, exes etc together. I look forward to seeing him at the end of the day. When he looks at me or hugs me, I feel loved & content, all warm & mushy. I want him in my life & the good far outweighs the bad. I'm just tired & stressed to the gills & worried that I may not have the strength to wait nicely for much longer. Hoping for some miracle cure maybe..or just some reassurance & guidance.

**SaharaJim** · 05-20-2011 08:38 AM

So...which is he? The guy who runs away everytime there is a problem or the guy who sits and talks over working together on kids, finances, etc?

OR are we "seeing" the reason for your "avatar name" of J&H? In your first post he sound like an immature young man who "runs home to mommy" and now you say that you have an "agreement" with "mommy" that she won't provide the immediate "refuge' and that he now is like a "four year old with a backpack" who runs away then stands on the corner until they realize there is no place to run to. But he is this "wonderful" guy that you love and gives you someone to provide a 'sounding board" instead of "overthinking" decisions? Pleas understand I am not trying to "pick on" you but you really show us two very different pictures with your posts

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-20-2011 03:48 PM

I'm exhausted, & don't know how much longer I can do this...being alone but having someone is worse than being alone.

If it is worse than being alone, then why stay?

If he runs everytime you want to discuss negativity,I assume with your disabilities it gets you down and you feel depressed and therefore talk negative, and the only times he is happy is if, he is laughing with you, are you being negative too often?

If you feel that you are a Mother to all, are you nagging and being a Mother to him?

You have one good friend, one....Isn't it time you ventured out more and gained more friends so you can enjoy life with people, instead of two people only?

How much of a fighter are you? We all have something wrong with us, un-fortunately, but with the right ingredients alot of us can live happier, with less pain, by finding the answers..

CW