extramarital petting

**WildChild** · 05-26-2011 02:00 PM

Some people might find such shyness sweet but it could get frustrating. I suggest you work at gently guiding him into some of this. How about some special bedroom lighting? Something soft and more subtle that can be brightness controlled? Ask him sometime when you are making love, to kiss you "all over". This isn't oral sex but it may kind of nudge him into exploring your body more.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 05-26-2011 02:01 PM

I'm not sure counseling is the answer just yet in regards to his shyness. You all haven't been married long at all...for some people, opening up takes longer than for others. Your husband sounds like a great guy from what all you've told us...I'm sure it's not ALL peaches and cream but he sounds like a wonderful man as you do a wonderful woman. Give him some time, and in the process, don't just succomb to his shyness. Who cares if he blushes....sometimes it takes getting out of your comfort zone.

As for the other guy, in my own mind I believe we too loosely define "adultery". In my own heart AND mind, I believe that if I were married and my husband was kissing, petting, making out, sharing emotions with someone else, it would be adultery whether he slept with her or not. If lust is in the heart, then there is an affair of the heart. If there weren't, you wouldn't feel so guilty.

No matter what, keep your distance from this fella. Don't worry, I don't blame him.....I put 100% of the responsibility on you, because I know what a smart and wonderful person you are, and I know you know better.

It's VERY hard sometimes to ignore those feelings of lust....I'm one who seems to live for "crushes". I love the fantasy of the fictitious "chase". But one thing I've learned, is when I ACTED on those crushes, they NEVER turned out like I imagined they would. This dude is an acquantance....he's not your friend. Friends don't help friends commit adultery any more than friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Who IS your friend? That man you lie next to at night. That man you made a vow to be faithful to. That man who has been with you through it all.

Leave this behind you. Learn your limits, and don't push them when it comes to your marriage. I'm 99.999% sure you know it's not worth it.

**jns** · 05-26-2011 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by chaya

I did not tell my husband about my indiscretion with that other man. Luckily for me he had a bad day on the job yesterday and he doesn't know I didn't go to school. This morning when I got to school, my friend asked me where I was yesterday. I said I was so upset over what happened between us I had to stay home and sort things out. He was very surprised, he thought nothing about what happened and said he had no intentions of having an affair with me. In fact, he had a new girlfriend and wouldn't want to cheat on her. Anyway, we decided it would be better if we didn't spend as much time together. I'm going to lunch with some Japanese friends today and hardly talked to him after the morning meeting.

My sister thinks I just had a hormone attack, that's what she calls it when she gets real horny. I've thought a lot about it and I believe that deep down I want to do sexual things that my husband thinks are taboo. He will never engage in oral sex, I have never had it either but would like to try. He never fingers or fondles my women place, he does fondle my breasts and butt but I would like him to do more but he thinks that is taboo. I don't think he has ever masturbated, if that is possible for a man. I once had what felt like a sore at the entrance of my vagina. I tried to look at it in a mirror but couldn't see anything. I asked him to check it out for me but he couldn't do it, he was so embarrassed and blushing so much I said to never mind. He is not as shy with me since we got married but is still pretty bad. For example, he will never get undressed with the big light on in the bedroom if I am present. If I undress in front of him, he turns away, usually blushing. I think that subconsciously, I want more than he can give me and that's why I came on to that other man like I did.

Now for the big question, do you think I should ask him to go to counseling with me to talk about his shyness and our intimate relationship? Right now he had no idea that this is a problem for me. If I bring it up, I don't know how he will take it. He might be really offended or hurt.

Slowly bring him out of his shell. Have him put his hands on your body by requesting massages. Don't do them fully clothed, maybe face down on the bed without clothes. Have him do your back and gradually work down to your waist. Sometimes ask him to massage your buttocks. Have him also massage your feet and legs, starting at your feet. As he massages further up, have him go a little farther each time. If you train him right with encouraging feedback, he will become more open as well as become a good masseuse.

As well as being shy, he may be worried that he is much stronger and may "break" you. Talk with him to allay those fears.

**chaya** · 05-26-2011 11:33 PM

I've been doing a lot of soul searching in the last 2 days. I really don't want to change anything about my husband and I don't want to do anything to hurt him. If he becomes less shy with me it would be good but I won't do anything to change him. I had forgotten the vow I made when we got married; “I accept you exactly as you are and I will help you to become anything you want to be”. It is my duty as his wife to support him and accept him no matter what he does.

I know he is worried that he might "break" (hurt) me, partly because I'm so much smaller than him and partly because I'm diabetic and dependent on insulin to stay alive. He has taken it on himself to learn all about my disease and he knows the signs when I get in trouble, how to help me recover and when to call for help.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-27-2011 02:44 AM

chaya.

This man knows all, your every thought, your inner most thoughts, your fears, your pain.

In that, whilst he may not like oral or fingering, may feel it's degrading to you? That may not be true.

Time.

He, I believe sees you as you are, a beautiful little soul that has been hurt, protective, he's a police man.

Guide him slowly, TIME. Guide him slowly ....It's not shyness, it's protecting you....

CW

**wendilee** · 05-27-2011 06:20 AM

so very well stated chandlers wish, and chaya...you know where your heart lies. stay with that and continue to think about why you married him in the first place.
there are temptations everywhere you look, you just have to remember that you have someone who loves you, and no matter how wonderful the thought of something else may be, it will never be your husband, and that is what you most want.
keep you chin up, go day by day, and stay in love!

**WildChild** · 05-27-2011 06:22 AM

I'll bet one of things he wants to become is the best lover possible.

**chaya** · 05-28-2011 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

chaya.

This man knows all, your every thought, your inner most thoughts, your fears, your pain.

In that, whilst he may not like oral or fingering, may feel it's degrading to you? That may not be true.

Time.

He, I believe sees you as you are, a beautiful little soul that has been hurt, protective, he's a police man.

Guide him slowly, TIME. Guide him slowly ....It's not shyness, it's protecting you....

CW

Living with guilt has become a way of life for me. There is the embarrassment and guilt of being raped. I still feel guilty for running away and not staying to see the man that raped me convicted for his crime. Because I wasn't there, he was set free. Now there is the added guilt from almost cheating on my husband. I sure hope your wrong about him knowing my every thought and inner most thoughts.

Your right about his feeling it's degrading to partake in anything except "pure" intercourse. Once when he wasn't quite ready for sex I put my lips on it and was going to try a BJ but he pushed me away and said you don't need to do that like it was something dirty. I never tried it again.

One thing that worries me, right now we are both ready for sex without foreplay. The day might come when this changes and we don't get spontaneously aroused, our sex life could suffer. Another thing that worries me is I am the one that gets horny, especially after a few days without sex. He seems to be able to live without it.

**jns** · 05-28-2011 02:17 PM

Originally Posted by chaya

One thing that worries me, right now we are both ready for sex without foreplay. The day might come when this changes and we don't get spontaneously aroused, our sex life could suffer. Another thing that worries me is I am the one that gets horny, especially after a few days without sex. He seems to be able to live without it.

This is why I suggested starting out with massaging each other and starting out slow. You could even start by giving him a massage after he has had a hard day at work. Massages don't have to have the slightest hint of sexuality. My Thai mother-in-law is masterful at working kinks out of my back after sleeping too many nights on hard surfaces. But start getting used to touching each other in a variety of places. Being fairly small, you can use your elbows, knees and feet if you do it gently, so you don't put too much stress on your wrists and hands. I have had my wife carefully walk down my back at times. Massaging can lead to more open foreplay later on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-28-2011 03:40 PM

Living with guilt has become a way of life for me. There is the embarrassment and guilt of being raped. I still feel guilty for running away and not staying to see the man that raped me convicted for his crime. Because I wasn't there, he was set free. Now there is the added guilt from almost cheating on my husband. I sure hope your wrong about him knowing my every thought and inner most thoughts.

Your right about his feeling it's degrading to partake in anything except "pure" intercourse. Once when he wasn't quite ready for sex I put my lips on it and was going to try a BJ but he pushed me away and said you don't need to do that like it was something dirty. I never tried it again.

One thing that worries me, right now we are both ready for sex without foreplay. The day might come when this changes and we don't get spontaneously aroused, our sex life could suffer. Another thing that worries me is I am the one that gets horny, especially after a few days without sex. He seems to be able to live without it.

You should never hold guilt over something that was by way not in your control. There is nothing, to feel guilty about. And, if it was something that was in your control, but it didn't evenutate and you learn't something? That is what life is about, so again you should not feel guilty, rather, a lesson learnt a hard one, but a lesson learnt.

Chaya, remember... One day, you were brave enough to speak... In that, you spoke about the past and all that occured.

What I mean't was, "inner most thoughts", I'm betting that he does not want to hurt you, he does not want to bring any bad memory up... He I believe sees you as you are, like I said, a beautiful soul, a blossoming flower, someone to protect.

So, when he said no to the BJ I am betting it's not his feelings, of dirty, it's possibly, he has supressed any oral, full stop, for you... Due to what he knows...And, if I am right, had you said, softly that you wanted to try it, you would like to, it doesn't feel dirty because you love him, he may have allowed it to occur.

I don't know if you can do that, or even maybe if it's a bit early but it's the communication, talk, that you have to have with him...That whilst your past hurt you, you won't allow it to affect your future. He is your husband and you love him and you would like to experiment, try things, love him intimately, it is what you want.... And, see what he communicates back to you on that note...

Or simply touch him and look him in the eyes and say, " I love you and I want to be intimate with you, you don't have to protect me, I'd like to start learning with you"... keep touching him and see his reaction.

I guess, if he refuses that action, again then you need to talk... If you choose to speak and he refuses those words, then you have to ask him what things do you like then, try to compromise...

The marriage is only at the very beginning....and I truly have a feeling, that he's protecting you... I honestly can not think of one single man that thinks a BJ is dirty.... not one...There has to be a reason behind it, and the reason I have stated is very much, very much a posibility...

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