Overprotective & Unfair Husband?

**heyblondie** · 05-29-2011 02:41 PM

I am glad that I am not the only one in this situation. I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 4. We have two children 5 and 3 years old. My problems all started once I stopped breast feeding,and was able to leave my kids with a sitter and go out with friends. I was already aware that he was incredibly insecure, and his previous girlfriends had cheated on him, an act which he also had reciprocated. Other events such as my graduation from college, and my acquisition of a career that could support me and my children also contributed to his insecurity. He hates almost all of my friends, questions who I could possibly be talking to other than him, and, although he "allows" me to go out with my friends having girl time is hardly worth fighting until four am or later, and causing my kids stress. Previously, I wanted to get breast implants too because my kids destroyed my breasts, but he gets insecure when men approach and talk with me. I already feel trapped, and becoming more attractive to men hardly seems to be a wise decision. He and I cannot drink together. Therefore, it is hard to go out with friends together when alcohol is involved. It is almost guaranteed that one of us will embarrass the other, or a guy with talk to me, and we will end up fighting until the wee hours of the morning. He tries to make me happy by doing things for me, buying me things, and complimenting me all of the time, but, truthfully, giving me breathing room would be the best gift in the world. I try being the example by I letting him go out with friends without texting him 100 time in an hour, and not fighting with him even when he shows up when the sun is coming up. I also don't get mad when he talks with his 10 or so "friends" that are women. Nothing works he is still and insecure . I have talked with him until I am blue in the face, and I think it's the same as talking to a rock. A divorce is the last thing that I want. I am now back in school pursuing my masters degree, working, and raising kids. I need him now more than ever, but with added income, and less dependence on him time will only tell. I guess the question you and I should both ask ourselves is it love or obsession? My advice to you is to take the money that would be spent on breast implants and put that money toward college and getting yourself a career.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2011 03:30 PM

heyblondie, cute name

I moved your post to a new thread, as you wrote on a 2009 thread, the OP has not returned...

You can't change someone and more so after 8 years, it's evident that this is him and he is not going to change.

People need to learn, understand that this type of control, behaviour eventually only pushes people away.

You'll fly with your studies, objections, goals and he'll be left behind even more so, not content to be the housewife either and you will be two different people as you interact with more and more people, intelligence and passion driven people that are free to express and be themselves and when that day comes, I am sorry but you will walk....

He has to have some passions in life, that he can work towards striving for himself, into a goal, so he feels more worthy?

We also can't put a ball and chain on a person... What will be will be, but unless we both work the relationship, there is no relationship, it will always be negative as one tries and the other doesn't.

So if he is worried about losing you, he is correct to do so, but only by his own doing.

Instead of worrying about you, he should be making something of himself then there will be more equality that may make him feel less insecure.

Welcome to the Forum.

CW

**monK** · 06-01-2011 03:17 PM

My ex-boyfriend is exactly like that. He will not change. I had to leave because I thought about it like this . . . either A, he will not marry me but get me pregnant like he wants so he can trap me (or so he thinks) into staying with him and my kids will grow up thinking that his behavior and thoughts are normal and okay even when they are crazy or B, i'll end up with his kids as a single mom. Staying is worse than leaving sometimes.

**ren_07** · 06-01-2011 10:10 PM

There are no double standards in a relationship. There seem to be a lot of those here.

I'm willing to bet these trust issues have always been there, and maybe you thought marriage would help ease those issues bc a marriage is the ultimate way of saying "I'm your's. Stop worrying."

He is driving you away by his own doing as CW said. Instead of just fighting and arguing, is there any way you could calmly discuss this but in a way that emphasizes how much you care for him and would never betray his trust? His insecurities are his own issues to deal with, but ask him what it is that you can do to make him feel better when you go out (instead of saying fine I won't go out happy? and flip).