Thread: Need A Women (or Women's) Advice

I tend to have very mixed feelings about these situations. We get so many of them from both genders. I've
personally dealt with several incarnations of this over the years. In my natural state, I'm a very horny woman, very connection and sexually driven. I've had men completely shut me down through neglect, mistreatment and completely awful sexual technique, generally in some combination.

I recognize that there are women and men who for some reason are essentially asexual and really have no interest. I doubt that this is natural but may go so far back and so deep that it might as well be. Some of it is social and family training; women who see sex as a means to lure a man into commitment and once they have the ring and his signature on the dotted line, they see no reason to continue sexual activity and men who view a wife as a guarantee of sexual access with little regard for her feelings, needs or arousal. Then there are couples who start off well and get caught up in what they think life is about - acquiring material goods; they work long hours, have obligatory social connections, get lost in media and they lose the connection and attraction between them.

In other cases they may just grow in different directions. They came together at one point in their mutual developments with things to share and ways learn and grow with each other and mistook this moment in time for something that should be for all there time in this life cycle. In still other circumstances there may be physical problems, hormones out of balance or other issues that have been ignored or undiscovered or mistreated. It may be prescription drugs killing their libido, stress, emotional issues, or old baggage. There are so many possibilities, we get one aspect of one of the people in the situations perspective. Sometimes the probable problem is pretty obvious with just that little glimpse, other times is almost impossible to tell what might be going on.

I think it is always a good idea to start with both people taking a good look at the health end of the picture. If they have insurance and access to health care then both should get a full physical, take a hard look at any meds in picture, how those might interact, and what side effects they have. Weight, energy levels and general health are important. General attitude is also a factor, someone who nit picks, is negative, critical, demanding, whiny - all these things can affect desire. I could go on and on, there are so many factors.

This thread, you are young, you are retired, you have 4 children, you've had a some years of probably high stress working long hours with a lot of responsibility. My guess is that during that time, which would also likely be when the babies were being born and all the home stress of raising young children was highest, an emotional disconnection developed. That won't be cured overnight. There were probably things said, done, not said, not done, that contributed or were warnings and not addressed then.

Helping out in the home is important, especially with so many children but Oxy's advice may be the most important. Non sexual touch and connection. No expectations of sex. Men do this all the time and don't even realize it, they will get in the habit of Only touching when they want sex, of only speaking loving words when they want sex. Or they will try to "fix" the woman by being more attentive but there is still a very obvious (to the woman at least) feeling of exactly that. Touch, touch, sweet nothings, inquiring look or attitude, " are you fixed yet?" Try something else.
Women aren't cars.
Spark plugs weren't the problem, better test the ignition wires.
Crank it.
That didn't do it either, better test the coil.
Crank it.
I know I'll replace the battery leads.

tinker, tinker, check
tinker, check
tinker, check

Maybe it isn't fully conscious on either side, but she knows what you are doing. She may find it amusing at some level, or annoying but her perception isn't that this is because you love her but because you want something and she has a pretty good idea that once you get it you will go right back to generally ignoring her until you want sex.

Sexually women aren't like cars, put in fuel, turn the key and start.

Cats and dogs might be a better analogy. Women are more like cats. Unlike a dog, who once trained, will come when you call and perform various commands, although a woman may be this way in other areas, sexually, she needs to want to come to you, to be petted and indulged a bit. You want her rubbing up against your your legs so to speak and you can't "make" that happen, you have to create an environment that will encourage it. That means non sexual touch, loving words without expectation, shared experience and learning how to pleasure her. Cats don't play like dogs, they don't fetch. It doesn't matter how many times you throw a stick, praise or give a command, they are still a cat. You have to quit thinking like a dog and about what a dog wants or likes and think what it will take to get her purring. There is a reason that one of the slang terms for a woman's sex relates to cats.