I'm needing some reassurance

**monK** · 05-30-2011 10:43 PM

I finally finished nursing school and moved to a new city to live with my fiance. We used to talk a lot, however, by telephone. Now, he is so tired most of the time, that we do not talk as much as before. I give him credit that he works hard but I feel like I'm boring and he's tired of me. He seems to perk up enough to talk to people like his friends and brother and father. I have no friends here. To be honest, I did not have friends back home either. I don't yet have a job here and I'm alone here in the apartment all day, nearly. I don't know where to go to meet people. I don't know where to go to do things. It sucks that every where I go, especially when I go home to help care for my great-grandmother who is 2.5 hours away, I have to go alone. He is going to be on break from work this week and has made plans to go with his friend close to where I used to live to spend the day. We used to talk about me going with them one day, but he doesn't want me to go this time. I told him that next time I would have to work. Am I reading this wrong? I know that he loves me because of other things, and I love him very much. I just feel like maybe now that I've moved in that he wants to get away from me and that I'm not a very interesting person after all. I mean, we can eat now and we barely even talk to each other. Maybe things will get better once I get a job.

**caterpillar79** · 06-04-2011 05:53 PM

How did you communicate how you feel - or did you? How did he react? Do you feel happy alone most of the time or you constantly need someone to talk to? How many times a week do you give yourself a treat and just be?

I ask all these things because I was in your predicament. I was jobless for a good 9-month period, doing the laundry, cooking, housekeeping, etc... and unhappy for not getting the "attention" I thought I should get from my husband - that's when I first moved in with him after a 5-month of pursuing a long - distance marriage due to job issues.

It is difficult if you do not have friends or family nearby. Best thing for you to do now is to look at yourself - where are you at right now? Can you be happy on your own for a day? Can you try to do things on your own and be okay with it? Transition from not living together into living together in one roof can be challenging, notwithstanding the numerous habits that you both need to change (especially on his part, I suppose). What I can tell you right now is to make sure you communicate to your fiance how you feel in a non-blaming, non-accusatory way. Then try to take care of yourself. Go and watch a movie on your own, get a membership in the gym and workout, attend yoga/pilates or martial arts classes, go find a lecture or a hobbyist club that meet weekly, volunteer, etc. Try to be busy with things that make you happy, so that you do not have to "get" your happiness from him. While so doing, you can eventually foster friendships with people you share interests with.

Have you tried looking for a job yet? Try to see if you, too can read a book together at least 3 times a week or so before bedtime. Get a book about Love Languages and see if he is receptive about it - or any inspirational/self-help marriage book or anything that you both can share together.

Why is it that you feel left out? Are there other things that contribute to that? How regular do you make love, does he cuddle you, hug you, say loving things to you, etc...? He might still be transitioning and it is taking him a littler more time than you, cut him some slack, but do make sure you always convey to him how you feel, that is the most important thing. Spending some time with his friend (is it a "he" or a "she"?) is okay but you have to take precedence over that....likewise, not wanting to spend a day with you is another. It is not that you are no longer interesting, or are you boring. There could be a lot of reasons. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and hear him out.

**athanasius1812** · 06-06-2011 09:44 AM

Some straight talk from a guys perspective.

I don't intend this as an insult but as a suggestion; you need to get a life. You say you don't have friends, and didn't before. You don't have a job, and don't participate in any activities. The man you describe sounds like a good one, so he doesn't want to have you be an extension of him, living vicariously through his exploits. Only controlling deadbeats want to have a woman who is wholly defined by her relationship to him and his achievements. Be glad he isn't one of them.

Find some things that interest you, find some things you enjoy, and share your experiences with him. Even the search for things to do and places to go is an experience you can share with him at the end of the day. If he doesn't have much interest in talking to you right now it may be because you have nothing to say. You are behaving like a vampire pulling all your sustenance off him. Share your life with him while he shares his life with you.

Ironically you will get more from your relationship with him if you have a life outside the relationship. Just as he will have more to give if he has a life outside the relationship as well. Be healthy and strong and happy within yourself and share it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2011 04:41 PM

I agree with the above poster.

I imagine you have nothing to talk about, nothing to laugh about with him whilst eating...

I imagine you feel a bit down, depressed even, no job, no friends, but no difference that before you moved in with him, you need him but he probably wants to laugh, and be happy and his friends can give him this, you are there but you are just living.

It's time to LIVE....

If you don't know how, where, find your passions and start finding out where you can go to get that craving, find social groups that fit into your age group or passions and join, volunteer somewhere get out of the house and have something to talk about when you get home...If you are creative, get a camera and start taking pictures including of you two smiling and put the photo up on the wall....

If all you do is sleep, eat, clean, sleep, eat, clean, off course there is nothing to talk about.

CW

**monK** · 06-11-2011 09:06 AM

Ok, guys. Thanks for your input. However, it's not as if I'm not looking for a job. I'm studying for NCLEX. I have doctor's appointments to go to and I have to help take care care of my great-grandmother who is two and a half hours away. I do look for stuff to do, like when I go to the library. There isn't much to do here that doesn't cost money and I am broke. I just feel like a loser. It has always seemed to be this way for me. When I was younger, like before middle school, I had a few friends whom my dad would not allow to come over, or if they did come over he yelled and berated us (my dad has narcissistic rage) and scared them away. My former best friend at the time was not liked by my dad and he forbode me to see her. All I was allowed to do was work and take care of my brother and the house and go to school and study. Maybe I don't know how to have fun, but I do suggest fun activities that my fiance and I can do together, but he doesn't seem very interested. I understand that people are tired after work, but I used to work 12 hour shifts and then drive two and half hours to see him. He is a very good man and he takes care of me when I need it. This is the first time I've ever had to depend on anyone. He is not cheating on me. The problem isn't him, it's me. I feel like if the world found me, they would say I was pathetic.

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-11-2011 10:23 AM

It sounds like you both could do some things to make this situation a lot happier.

Him: He needs to include you more, make you feel more involved and not seperate his activities from activities with you so much. Yes, he needs to and you need to have your own hobbies interests outside of each other... but that doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't do ANYTHING together... you should, he should want that.

My boyfriend is my best friend, we are like peas and carrots when were out, we have our own inside jokes and we find the fun in a line at walmart in the same way we do at a party or on the couch watching tv. Its the company and not the place we go or who we're with. He WANTS me to go with him places, because its more fun when we're together.

All that being said... i give him LOTS of space to do his own thing without me. I don't say yes to everything he asks me to join him on. If his buddies go play golf he tells me 'you should come'... um, no. I shouldn't lol. When they go off shooting, um, no thanks ... ya'll have fun (sometimes I join when its couples going out etc)... meeting friends at the bar afterwork 'you should head down here'... na, you knock yourself out.

He invites me to almost everything to be polite, but you have to know when to not interject yourself and give them some room to be themselves away from you sometimes. Its healthy. Case in point, my boyfriend wanted me to join his gym so that we can go together. We currently go to different ones and do our work outs seperately. Exercise is my me time, I don't want to be distracted by the hoochie mama he might be eyeing on the stair master. I'm not setting myself up for losing my focus in any way. So I politely declined and decided that it can be his man time, away from me. He was dissapointed but I truly think its for the best.

We are 30% inseperable attached at the hip, playing on a sports team together, snuggling up every night, going out together all the time... we are 50% in our careers and I'd say we have a good 20% of time away from each other doing our own thing.

A lot of women (and some men) think that just because you spend time apart at work, that THAT should count as your time apart from each other... and that you deserve every minute spent outside of work to be spent with you (not saying you are this way) but that is not good for a relationship.

Every person needs some time for themselves, outside of their SO and outside of work... even if its to veg out and play games, hit the gym, go see an old buddy, to snooze watching movies, etc. Without that time, people can grow resentful of even the best company, that they ADORE!

All that also being said... he's got to make some time for you, plan some activities for you, to help you to feel like you matter, that you are special and that your presence is wanted.

I think if you pull back a little and maybe find things of your own to do a portion of the time, that you will have an understanding of how valuable it is to have healthy interests outside of work and your partner.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-11-2011 04:30 PM

We can not chose our parents. We can not do anything about the way in which they raise us, the restrictions they put on us, the childhood they strip off of us whilst living at home.

Yet getting a degree in Nursing was one good thing that came out of it, and YOU WILL get a job and it will pay well and once it does, you will be free from this rut in that regard.

The problem isn't him, it's me. I feel like if the world found me, they would say I was pathetic.

The world would say, this girl sacrificed and had to, she worked 12hrs a day, yet drove to get to her boyfriend, sacrificed this girl drives for ever to tend to an elderly lady, sacrifice and she studied hard and for-went monies, in doing so for a future, sacrifice....I like this girl.

Ask yourself, is where you are living restricting you from finding employment in your field.

Does your fiance see the bigger picture once you do gain employement.

Whilst you are in this situation is he standing by you.

And, is he maybe being selfish not including you?

Finances are the root of all evil in my books, it makes you depressed, un-able to do so many things and causes friction in a relationship.

If where you live is restricting you and as you are engaged? You need to talk about that, and see if there is an alternative solution...

This is not all your fault at all... He needs to include you and you need to also start to live like I said before doesn't matter what your father put you through, you can now live your life, which includes making friends that no one can stop you from seeing and getting out more at no cost events, places, volunteer, take a job for now you don't want for some income, just live and make sure he realises that being engaged means supporting each other, you have an excellent career in the wings and this is not your fault.

CW

**monK** · 06-12-2011 09:39 PM

Thanks. I know that the situation will not be like this forever. Chandler's Wish - you helped me see myself in a positive light again. Wish I could go back to Australia and New Zealand for a while. I would love some chocolate covered black licorice, which isn't very popular here unfortunately.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-13-2011 01:01 AM

There is a word called compromise, remember that...

And, I am betting you are a tad strong willed and definately an adventurist, so don't ever let things get you into a stalemate....When the going gets tough the tough get going.

When where you in Australia?

If I could send food out of Aussie to where ever you are, won't cost me much lols see the rules over there from here and if they let that occur if all enclosed in it's wrapping, provide a PO Box or a work address to someone and consider it done ....

**monK** · 06-14-2011 09:34 AM

Chandler's Wish - I was in Australia in parts of June and July in 2006 with a student ambassador program. We went to Sydney (of course) and all the way up the coast to Northern Territory. I am very fortunate to have been to the Great Barrier Reef (although it is a horrible boat ride to and from there) before global warming kills the life-forms there. I loved the fish and chips, which I can make at home but is not the same as those wrapped in newspaper and vinegar. As far as the sweets, fruity icepops and chocolate covered licorice were my favorites. But I don't suffer without them for too long. A friend of my family is from Sydney and when she comes back from visiting her family she always brings me some things. I love food. As far as other things I tried there, I tried crocodile, which I thought would taste like the alligator that I have eaten here, but it tasted different. The kangaroo that I was asked to try was not good, though. Have you been to the States?