Out of ideas

**rcoreyus** · 05-31-2011 11:21 AM

I've been posting here for years, though I'd give the unfortunate update to my situation.

It basically boils down to : after 25 years of marriage my wife is still not interested in sex. (and pretty much never was)

She wants sex maybe once a month, and then only wants whatever will get it done as quickly as possible. She always wants me to use a vibrator on her - which usually gives her an orgasm in a couple of minutes. (I am happy to do anything for her in bed, but that is all she ever wants). She generally gives me a hand job, trying to finish as quickly as possible. She won't do oral, and mostly has stopped intercourse now that she has fond that she can finish me as quickly with her hands.

What is strange is that other than this (really major) problem, we have a very loving affectionate relationship. We often tell each other "love you", (and mean it), we hug and kiss a lot. We spend a lot of time together. Outside of the bedroom we are nearly perfect together.

When I talk to her about it, she gets a bit upset but says she will "try". (I don't want her to try). Last time she decided that we would set aside every Sunday afternoon. Worked for 2 weeks, then the excuses started: she was tired, there were a lot of chores, there was somewhere to go today, etc etc. Soon we were back to the every 1-2 months.

I have tried everything I can think of:

We have happy non-stressful lives. No money problems, both have jobs we mostly like, no kids (by choice), no serious family issues. Neither of us has serious health issues, and we are both in good shape for our ages (late 40s).

I won't win any male beauty contests, but I'm not in any way repulsive looking, no bad habits. I'm generally friendly and well liked by most men and women. I do a fair share of work around the house.

I'm affectionate in non-sexual ways - hugs, kisses, back-rubs, walking holding hands, etc. I buy her flowers (sometimes sent to her work by surprise), and random surprise gifts, leave love notes around the house.

We travel to some of the most romantic spots on earth - a bungalow on a deserted beach in the South Pacific, a 500 year-old palace in Venice, 100 story skyscrapers in China, the gardens in Victoria. WE both love the trips - but its been years since we were intimate on any of them .

We absolutely trust each other - I've taken trips with female friends and she doesn't have any suspicions. In fact from some comments she has made I think she doesn't think that women ever really want sex, and that in particular none would be interested in me (which turns out not to be true - but I haven't cheated).

I've tried asking often for sex (every couple of days). This just gets her somewhat annoyed and unhappy - she apologizes each time with some excuse.

I've tried not asking, but remaining affectionate in other ways. This makes her happy - but she will only initiate sex every month or two - again wanting it to be over quickly. I find this odd, since I know she masturbates much more frequently with her vibrator. (she doesn't know that I know).

She clearly doesn't recognize this as a problem - suggesting counseling or medical help will absolutely not go over well, but I may give it a try - but It will upset her and I hate doing that.

So I've now run out of ideas. I really can't leave the woman I have loved for most of my life. I don't want to cheat. So here I am.

Any ideas are welcome. Also let this be a warning to anyone getting into a relationship where your sex life is poor - don't expect it to improve - ever.

**Little** · 05-31-2011 11:31 AM

I'm so sorry. You're one of my favorite posters, and I imagine if I knew you in real life I'd give you a hug. I wish there was some advice I could give to help you fix the situation, but as I've been reading as long as you've been posting, all my advice has been long since given.
Seems you've hit on the last possibilities of you having a sex life, and it is acts that may upset her. Take heart, as she has been upsetting you all along. We all know you aren't interested in retaliatory action, but as you have been so selfless for so long, it seems some selfishness is in order. Getting up the courage to hurt someone you love sounds so wrong, and I understand your aversion to it.
I hope someone out there has better advice for you.

**monK** · 05-31-2011 11:40 AM

Maybe she is insecure about herself. Perhaps she feels bad that she can't reach orgasm without a vibrator. I know that you don't want to upset her, but you can't just keep your mouth shut all of the time. Talk to her. Get a counselor if you feel that you need it. She may not be interested because something bad might have happened before she met you. Maybe now it has something to do with menopause. You need to talk to her to get to the bottom of it.

**pretzel** · 05-31-2011 11:58 AM

rc, from a friend who knows both your story and my own, I wish I had something that could work cause if I did, my story wouldn't be like yours.

In all the conversations I've had with my wife (and for that matter my first wife who's sex drive wasn't there either) you do get tired of the "I promise" or the tomorrows that never come.

It was after my ex and I split that she finally got the courage to go see her doctor. Although she never told me the biggest reason she wasn't sexual or felt any sexual desire was because in fact it was painful. She used avoidance as a crutch not to have sex. After we split and she did see her doctor, it was found she had a medical condition. She ended up having to have a hysterectomy. Needless to say, it appears that her sex drive has returned if my reading of what my daughter has told me of her mom's new boyfriend. So, I guess what I'm saying here, is she afraid because it might be painful but has never told you? It becomes easier to avoid it the longer out it goes.

Now, with my current wife, she's about your wife's age also. Again, the sex drive mysteriously vanished and the excuses and promises have piled up worse than yesterday's trash. Different scenario in that before we got married our sex life was 180 degrees opposite of what it is now. Somewhat similar result, but at this point, it's contentous and was made worse in that after fighting for a couple of years now, I finally found out that the reason she never persued anything was because of fear of having to admit to her doctor.

I wish I had more to help. My friend, if I could, I'd be Dr. Ruth for you.

**WildChild** · 05-31-2011 12:24 PM

I don't know what to say. You sound like very close best friends, those are wonderful but they aren't the same thing as a lover. In a very personal way, this story makes me hurt. I've never had the kind of relationship or the level of prosperity to get to travel and explore and share wonderful places. I've half killed myself in some relationships trying to make it work and have dealt with some men who were very real threats to my life. I know the only way I will ever get even a minimal retirement is if I find a way to create a big change in my life for myself, by myself. I've been cheated on even in relationships where the sex was good and plentiful and I thought there was a loving connection.

To be perfectly honest, it hurts to know there are men who are loving, intelligent and caring and want to have a loving relationship with the woman in their lives and have tied themselves to a woman who cannot respond to them. In a way it brings me self doubt. I wonder if there is something in me that I cannot have that kind of loving relationship or inspire that level of devotion and love.

All I can think to say is you have two options, one is to leave and let her be what she is - just a friend. The other is act based on the oft quoted belief that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - do some thing completely different, from out of left field. Join a local group and go to Burning Man or find some way to get completely out of your box and comfort zone?

**rcoreyus** · 05-31-2011 03:31 PM

The last time she let me try, she could orgasm without the vibrator, it just took much longer (fine with me - sex isn't supposed to be a race to the finish). This has been going on so long that it isn't menopause, though that is a convenient new excuse.

She does sometimes find intercourse uncomfortable due to a medical condition - no easy fix. OTOH, there are a lot of things we can do that don't make her uncomfortable. She seems to physically enjoy a bunch of things, but generally just wants me to do what is quickest.

Also odd that she masturbates often (but denies it), but has always turned down my offer to do this for her without reciprocation - saying "that isn't fair" and not believing me that I'd rather do that then nothing. Again suggests that she can't imagine enjoying pleasuring your partner - views sex as simply a way to have an orgasm and using the vibrator on herself gets the job done more quickly.

Originally Posted by monK

Maybe she is insecure about herself. Perhaps she feels bad that she can't reach orgasm without a vibrator. I know that you don't want to upset her, but you can't just keep your mouth shut all of the time. Talk to her. Get a counselor if you feel that you need it. She may not be interested because something bad might have happened before she met you. Maybe now it has something to do with menopause. You need to talk to her to get to the bottom of it.

**oxy-moron** · 05-31-2011 06:42 PM

Rcoreyus and Wildchild.
I think that ultimately you both ( and a lot of the other posters and me for that matter) have very strong bonding personalities and I have called it Fuser behaviour in the past because thats what the relationship people have call it.
We want to bond -we want our partner to feel good- we want to give-Orgasms comfort-support. Unfortuanetly there is a high chance of our type subconsciously picking someone who is the opposite- An Isolator-someone who avoids intimacy- who feels awkward discussing feelings- someone who wants to spend long hours of solo time.
I dont beleive that you can change an Isolator- They are not interested in getting in touch with their feelings.
Rcoreyus-I do firmly beleive that you can get more sex time with her but it would be at the cost of making it non orgasm oriented sex.
My wife now asks me for massages all of the time and it regularly ends up in sex. However I would not say she has changed from being an Isolator. I dont have the relationship intimacy you(or I) desire but I am a little bit closer to it than I was.-by a few inches.

**Mes T** · 05-31-2011 06:54 PM

Can you have her read this thread, rcoreyus? Maybe not from the website directly... maybe copied and pasted into an email? Because here you are being honest and clear, no walls... A very difficult thing to do sometimes when face to face.

When we type we have an infinate amount of time to think and form our words and thoughts exactly the way we want to. Have her read this? I would certainly suggest this first before suggesting to her to go to counseling.

If a woman doesn't want sex... I think it would be difficult for her to WANT to want it? You know what I mean? I think in her mind nothing is broken... so why fix it.

What is this medical condition that makes it painful for her sometimes? I don't remember that being mentioned in your previous posts... Sounds like that there could be one of the reasons at the root of this problem.

**rcoreyus** · 05-31-2011 07:07 PM

She has uterine fibroids. Not dangerous and not much of a problem except that they make intercourse sometimes uncomfortable in some positions. Can only be fixed with major surgery and she doesn't think it is worth the risk (I support this decision - but it is entirely up to her).

These problems started before she had the fibroids, so I don't think they are the root of the problem, but they probably contribute somewhat. OTOH, I would be happy with a wide range of activities, I would have thought there was something she would enjoy (and she does masturbate, so must enjoy that).

I've thought about telling here exactly what I post here, but I know here very well after all these years and I think she would just get upset. She would be extremely angry to know that I've posted this. Without the posting, she would offer to "try more" - and that would last a couple of weeks.

Still, maybe that is the best chance I have left.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-31-2011 07:11 PM

Corey, for years I have been reading your posts and it hurts to know that someone, repeatidly is in pain, typing those words over and over, never getting the chance to say hey, whoo hoo, guess what, just repeating over and over. I've read for years, all the adventures, amazed at where you've travelled and the honesty of you, the gentleman in you, the committment in you, hoping one day I would read, she agrees to an open marriage just so that you could have the intimacy you so deserve.

I'm with Little if I met you in person I'd give you a hug.. I'm with Pretzel, Oxy, and you, I wish there was an answer there for each of you and I'm saddened that other's doubt themselves, like Wildchild, when all she is, is what you all are, people that are loving, that give to the end of the earth, only to want the same back, but getting half.

People can bond and love un-conditionally as "best friends" and not want to part, but still hold out in hope.

People can have that fantastic intimacy, only to find after a year or so it's gone and so is their relationship, not even a good friendship...

How do you change a pattern that has been going on for 25 years? Maybe there is a deep dark secret that only she knows, from earlier times, that has made her promise herself, that she won't be touched by a man, and only her husband but then only if she can't get out of it, yet she wants the love as well...

Maybe she would agree to a hypnotherapist, if only you could reach out to her to tell you honestly, because she does owe you that, 100% truth, what ever it is, how ever it may hurt or how ever it may affect her, you, both, we all know why we don't givev out sex.. We do.

CW

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