Returning From Deployment

**Krazy_glu3** · 06-02-2011 12:29 PM

Sorry this is so long..

In a couple days my husband will be coming home after our first deployment. The time has flied!! I've done a lot of changing myself, learning about myself, becoming independent, and realizing what I want out of life. This being our first deployment, its been a lot easier than I thought! But... now the problem...

Since my husband has been gone, I have been able to have time to myself (well, sorta. I have a 2 and 1 yr old, so they are always with me). When my husband was home we would fight when I asked if I could go somewhere by myself. I've been a stay-at-home mother for longer than I've had my kids ... technically.. I was on bedrest with my first son for three months before he was born. So ever since I've been on bedrest, I've pretty much spent every day with my kids. So for a little over two years, I've had maybe... 8 nights without my kids? The point is.. Im always with them and never get a break. I know that as a stay-at-home mom, thats my job. But a break every now and then is nice.

I didnt ever plan on being a stay-at-home mom. Before I met my husband I planned on joining the military. A few months before the summer I was going to join, I told my husband (boyfriend at the time) of my plans to join. I had waited 7 years for the chance for me to finally be able to join. His reply was that he promised that he would cheat on me while I was in basic training, and that he would break up with me. I tried to make him understand that I really wanted this, and he said if I was going to join, we might as well break up right then. He "didnt want a long distance relationship". That honestly broke my heart. Then we had a family and he joined the military so he could support us. He doesnt even like it. He's always complaining and cant wait to get out. Which, I dont find fair because I really wanted to join, and he didnt, and he's the one who got to join. But anyways..

Im a stay-at-home mom, loving the freedom to leave the house and go where ever I want. Ok back on track. Husbands coming home. arguments when I want to leave the house by myself. Now.. When he comes home, Its all going to change. I will no longer be able to just say to myself 'hmm.. I think I want to drive up north today". We have one car. We cannot afford another one, and heck.. with gas so expensive (thankfully its going down) we can barely afford the gas for this one car!!! My husband works on the other side of the base. He drives 25 miles to work, and 25 miles back. 50 miles every day, five days a week. So when he comes home, I will be back at my old routine of staying home with two kids, and no longer being able to leave the house. Back to not being able to have enough money to spare for us to spend on gas just to get out of the house to relax. And thats the problem... Thinking about his return, and how it will totally throw me back into my old routine I hate so much kind of makes me not so excited about his return. Dont get me wrong.. I'm happy he's coming home! I'm most likely going to be crying like a little baby when I see him step off that bus. I miss him, and I love him a lot... but Im not looking forward to being at my old routine again. I feel guilty that I'm not as excited as the other spouses. I've done some growing while he's gone, and realized that being in a house all day isnt what I want to do in life.

Lately we've been fighting a lot too. He got upset that a Marine messaged me on a social networking sit and that I messaged him back. after throwing a complete fit over the whole ordeal, he said he was sorry for acting like a jerk. He told me I cant talk to any other marines. To just stay away from them, which is kind of hard when you live on base.... But then I found out that he's adding Marine gf's and spouses. When I addressed this yesterday he seriously just... snapped. I asked who this chick was, and he said it was a friend in the marine's gf. I understand that he knew the guy, I know OF him. So I asked if he knew her, because i mean, if he knew her prior to him making the rule of not talking to marines for me, then I'd dismiss it. He said no he didnt know her but that he knew her bf. Then he asked why? I reminded him how he got on my about me adding military people of the opposite gender, and how he is pretty much doing the same thing by adding military gf/spouses of the opposite gender. He then sent me a quite colorful message with the F words throughout it. Saying that its different because he knows her bf (even though he doesnt know this chick) and that The guys I was talkin to he doesnt know, so it wasnt ok. He also started asking why I decided to chose that day to fight when he was going to be unable to talk for a few days till he got home. I wasnt trying to fight, instead, I was trying to bring to attention one of the many double standards he sets. When I told him I wasnt trying to fight and that he totally just blew it up more than it was supposed to be, he said he was sorry but it seemed like I was trying to fight. ...I wasnt. So I said that we would discuss this (along with many other things) when he comes home. He didnt want to talk about it back when I found out, but we also have to discuss some money issues too. I asked if he would call me so we could just sort this out real quick and he said he didnt feel like walking to the USO to call me. That was over a month ago.... So I gave up and thats another thing we have to talk about. Then yesterday I found out he added this chick that I've had problems with, and have made it very very VERY clear that I dont like her. I know its complete high school drama to be like this (and my high school problem with her started in high school too) but the fact that he would add her after knowing I dont like her, upsets me. We've had problems with him adding her before.. And he added her again. The thing is, it never shows that he added her, so I'm guessing he deleted the lil notification that he added her. He's done that before when he commented on other girls pictures. I didnt care about the comments, but he was deleting them because he thought I wouldnt be happy that he commented on other girls pictures. When have I EVER showed that that upsets me!? Never. So I'm not sure why he decided to hide that from me.

But I found out he added this girl, and I got very very very upset. Knowing that there was no way I was going to be able to just talk about it, without me most likely losing my cool, I decided to get off the internet to avoid everything till I cooled down. Then my husband started texting me, and I was saying I'm not in the mood to talk to him. Then he was asking what was wrong, and I said that we will talk about it later when hes home. Then he said that he's not wanting to come home anymore because he says I'll just be waiting for the day to dump all these issues on him and I will want to start a fight. No. I dont want to start a fight. I just want to figure out why he thinks its ok to control me and who I talk to but he turns around and add all these girls, and people he knows I have a problem with. And the thing is, he doesnt seem to think its a problem. So now he's not looking forward to coming home, and I'm not looking forward to him coming home, in a way. I want to see him, and I miss him and actually talking to people (im new to this state and know two people. One he says I cant see, the other lives 25 miles away)

I dont know what to do.. I'm indifferent to this return home now. I dont want to fight, I want him to come home and us be happy again. But I'm not looking forward to being stuck back in the house, losing my freedom, and all this junk. I've been told I'm being selfish, and in a way I suppose. But I think it's mostly because I've grown as a person and realize now what I want out of life... and its not being stuck in a house 24/7. Idk what to do... Am I really as bad as others have said for not being SO excited about his return home? I miss him, yes, but I just dont want my freedom being taken away. Idk.. theres just so much more to this story, but this is already long enough..
Ive been told I'm being selfish, not appreciating what he does, and that im 'some catch'. Idk what to do now.. I'm kind of moodswinging right now, and that doesnt help. We've gone to counseling, and been suggested that we set away time each month or week where we have a day to ourself. We tried that, and not once did either of us get to leave the house. Its always been him asking 'where you going' 'who you meeting up?' 'i bet you are going to meet (insert some name)' 'when will you be home' and texts through out the time I'm gone. It almost doesnt seem worth it.. Which is why I've been enjoying this deployment because I can leave and not have all those texts and someone jumping down my throat every 10 minutes...
Am I a bad person for feeling this way :[

**Little** · 06-02-2011 12:48 PM

You're NOT NOT NOT a bad person!
The natural course of your relationship has been interrupted by the military. You can't really resolve anything until he gets home.
It doesn't help that he's been thrown into a sadistic culture where everything he does is considered "right" or excusable because he's the one across the globe fighting a war, regardless that you were the one who wanted to be doing it. But you already know how I feel about military men from your last thread.
You're at the mercy of somebody who doesn't trust you and acts out against you constantly. Of course you wouldn't look forward to him coming home.
I'm not sure what to tell you, you've tried counseling and it seems pretty bleak. But I definitely wanted to reply and tell you not to feel like a bad person. I hope things get better, but I feel like they might get worse first.

**ccraig42** · 06-02-2011 12:49 PM

It sounds like he's controlling. The irony in this is that he's out there fighting for your freedom while giving you none at all. It doesn't sound like you're being selfish. As you said, you've been around your kids since before the first was born, with only 8 days to yourself. That sounds pretty selfless to me. Maybe you two can talk it out and figure out what to do? It's mighty selfish that he dangled your relationship in your face just to keep you from doing something you really wanted to do. I hope you two can work something out where he isn't being such a jerk. It seems like you deserve better than what you're receiving!

**Krazy_glu3** · 06-02-2011 01:24 PM

Thanks.. I really needed to hear that. After posting this on another website and getting only negative comments, I started feeling worse. I thought maybe posting on a more mature website I would get better advice than name calling. Haha. I'm glad I did. Feel a bit better knowing that somebody out there doesnt think I'm a bad person for this.
I suggested we try counseling again, and he said no. He said we will work everything out by talking. The reason he doesnt want to go to counseling again is because we already used up our free counseling the military gives us. I told him that if us talking about everything would actually fix problems, then we wouldnt be having problems still. My mom even said that he needs to hear everything from a third person, because if he hears it from me it wont makea difference. If he hears from someone he doesnt know that he is doing something wrong, he might listen then and try to change. I told him we need to try counseling again, and that he should take some of the free financial help classes the military offers. Heck, I'll even take the $$ classes with him. I'm better at spending than he is though, and the only thing I really buy that I DONT need is Taco Bell.... Im totally addicted to that place. Gotta get my 99Cent Beefy Melt!! Haha. Oh mann I could go on and on and ON about how many fights we've had over money. The biggest one being him buying a 700$ tv without telling me. I was in TX living with my mom, raising our kids, while he was in CA working. He would send me money every paycheck to pay rent, bills, and buy food. One week came and he never sent money. My mom wasnt too happy because I couldnt pay her the rent I owed. I asked him to send me money and he kept making up excuses. When I got his billing statement in the mail I discovered the reason he didnt send me money is because he blew his whol paycheck on a PS3 and flat screen tv... Leaving me and the kids without money. So he then decided to take out a loan for 1000$ (and he knows im against loans.. cause A year later and we are just now fixin to pay it all off. I hate the interest and everything, which is why Ive made it CLEAR, never to get a loan or credit card or anything) And theres been many many other $$ issues, which is why I REALLY want him to go to the $$ Classes. He says no. I say we need to try counseling again, he says no because we can work it out on our own. But really, he just doesnt want to pay for it. I think paying for counseling to save our marriage is worth it. I dont think I can do this for the rest of our lives -.-

But anyways, the whole point... I really needed to hear that I wasnt a bad person. I feel a bit relieved now. Thanks :]

**Krazy_glu3** · 06-02-2011 01:26 PM

Yes, it was very rude of him to do that. But when he comes home I'm going to tell him that when his contract is up in two years, that I want to join the military. I've realized that its something I still really want to do. I'm sure this talk wont go well, although I'm going to hope it does. If it doesnt... then you can rest assured I'll be posting something about it in a few weeks. Haha

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-02-2011 03:43 PM

Krazy_glu

Marriage does not mean someone owns you, the only person that owns you is you.

It means every decision you make you make together and if you can't agree, then you compromise.

It means that you are independent just as much as he is and trust allows you to keep your independence.

And, it means that you are free to be you, 100% and in that, he loves you for who you are.

I'm not seeing any of that in any of your threads...

His fear is one thing, of losing you and so, comes out the ball and chains.

But, his getting the "family" into debt without discussion and agreeance is selfish and irresponsible.

You are not a bad person, read above.

CW

**athanasius1812** · 06-06-2011 09:33 AM

A lot of advice here, but here is some from a person who has been involved with the military and combat deployments directly.

Your husband is a control freak, and is absolutely trying to control you. This is not healthy for your relationship, which you know and others here have pointed out already. Having said that...

Control issues are a near certainty for people coming back from a combat deployment. Controlling every variable they possibly can is an absolute survival requirement, not a dysfunction as it would be under "normal" circumstances. If they aren't controlling when they leave, they will have learned to be by the time they come home from sheer necessity. Even with other people in their unit they have learned to expect rigidly defined behaviors, they need to do so in order to be able to rely on one another in time sensitive life-and-death situations. I cannot overstate how damaging this behavior is to a marriage, or how critical it is in a combat environment. So, be understanding about the source and patient while he works through this. However...

Many returning veterans do not work through these issues. They either fail to try (not accepting there is a problem or just refusing to deal with it), or they simply are unable to change their entire world view a second time so soon. The divorce rate among combat deployments is astronomical, for a reason. Combat deployments destroy people and destroy marriages, period. So, be prepared to work very hard but you also need to be firm with your husband. You are very, very unlikely to survive as a couple unless you take positive steps to deal with the situation. You cannot ignore the issues. There are a large number of books written by returning vets and their spouses to help you two know what to expect, and learn to deal with it. Take advantage of others hard won experience.

One specific tactic you can use is to explain to him the "way things are" in terms he will be familiar with. You are the "specialist" on the domestic front, regardless of what your relative "rank" may be and regardless of his prowess on other fronts. No Lieutenant in his right mind would contradict a Warrant Officer within that man's field of expertise, and neither should your husband. Your husband needs to be and feel competent, incompetency during his deployment meant he put his own life and the lives of those around him in danger so he will be very sensitive to any suggestion he is incompetent (and inwardly concerned that he is so). Be very careful not to do so, simply put the situation in terms of specialist knowledge he has not had access to. This way he is free to defer to your judgement without the implication (internally or by you) that he is somehow incapable of making sound decisions.

That is just a quick and dirty suggestion, go to his unit and get in touch with the family support group. You need help, both of you.

**Little** · 06-06-2011 02:31 PM

Athanasius, I've never heard it put better than you put it. I was finding it hard to give positive advice, but unsure if anyone from the board could give any - I'm very glad you were able to.

**Krazy_glu3** · 06-13-2011 11:08 AM

Good advice. Thanks.

Last night we had a talk that I've been waiting a month or more to have. We 'talked' (and by 'we' I meant 'me'... like a guy, he just sat there and stared at me. It was more of a monologue with an occasional 'no' from him) about his spending issues, him talking to other girls, and specifically adding this one girl from high school that I've had a problem with. He said that he did it as payback because he wanted to get me mad. Since I had been adding Marines on a different social networking website (and I add anyone and every who requests me. I hardly talk to anyone I add. I add because it gives me online cash per person I add. Its stupid sounding but I dont add people to off my husband or go behind his back and talk to them.) But anyways... I found out, like I said, he added this chick that he KNOWS I have a problem with. He told me he WANTED to me off. After I told him that its highly suggested we go back to try more counseling he said 'why?! We dont have the money for that'. I told him that his coping skills are ridiculous. He was upset at me, and instead of working through it or something, or even letting it go... He went and searched for the one chick that pisses me off, and adds her so I WOULD get mad. Thats not something you do in a marriage. I told him counseling might be expensive, but later on down the road when he keeps doing this, the cost for divorce will be a of a lot more expensive.

I dont like threatening with divorce, but he has failed to shape up and change like hes said he would, divorce is the only way I can see this ending. I cannot, and will not, be in this rut for the rest of my life. I told him that my mom (who I go to for my advice) says that our relationship sounds exactly like my mom and dads relationship...... They have been divorced for two years now. Although I've never seen a divorce like theirs, they are still divorced. They love each other, kiss, and everything.. but they are divorced and live in separate places. My mom divorced him because he searching out for this girl from high school and emailing her. My mom found out and told him to stop. He never did and she told him before that if he kept it up, she'd divorce him. She kept her word. I can only see this turning out like that. He does something with another chick, I say stop, he says he wont do it again, and he does. Yup.. sounds just like my parents. Scary.

It sucks because, of course, I love him to death, but the things he does... and how he treats me, is not what I want. Theres times where I think I shouldve left at the first sign of problems, but then theres those moments that I just love him to death and never want to let go. Im not sure which to follow at times. Let go or never let go?

As for the controlling part. He was like that before deployment. Thats also something I wish he would actually change cause it really makes me rethink our marriage.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-24-2011 04:15 PM

You can not compare your parents Divorce or marriage before Divorce to your own, regardless of if there are/were simularities you are two different people...

I would never "threaten" it seems to me he is feeding off of you too... You said, you talked well "me" he just mumbled, that means the communication between you is non eventful...He possibly sees you are talking, talking, and feels like a kid, just mumbles and then with threats or demands, retaliates...He sounds childish however, he also sounds as if he can't, you can't actually both discuss properly without threats or demands or his childish behaviour and retaliations.

When you talk together, it has to be open and nice no threats, no put downs, no telling off, talks.... I am sure there are things he doesn't like as well and he's mentioned one but you feel that's okay to do, you are not cheating, he feels it's not okay to do you are his wife....

There is a breakdown there that needs to be fixed I think on both sides.