Do you think Im a violent person for doing this?

**deep_fear** · 06-10-2011 07:28 AM

I'm going to be 100% honest here i never thought i was a violent person...but this just happened..I was poking my fiancee, we were haveing fun.. Then I was writing an e-mail to some one and he came up behind me and poked me and i got up got pissed and said stop you jerk and lightly hit him on the chest. He looked at me in shock and told me not to talk to him..and that im a violent person...Now he just left refusing to speak with me at all..pff...he really is very mad at me..I didnt think i was violent or agressive..i was thinking more like annoyed..any advice on how i can fix this problem.

**caterpillar79** · 06-10-2011 07:39 AM

I think it was the delivery of words when you said, "Stop you jerk". Calling him a "jerk" probably didn't sit well with him. Let him let off steam and when you think its good, maybe a day or two, tell him what went through your mind when you said what you said and did what you did. Maybe he was on his emotional low point and it was bad timing. Discuss and really listen to him when he shares his thoughts to you. That way, you can show him how much you appreciate his feelings and thoughts.

How often have you done similar things before (i.e. hitting him on the chest, saying things that might hurt)?

**deep_fear** · 06-10-2011 07:49 AM

I did it one other time when I got scared from him when we were both fighting..other then that no. He does little things like that to me all the time..the other day we were disargeeing with somthing and I came up to tickel him to get his mood back up and he slapped my arm...not violently but i felt it lol and he screamed at me not to touch him...I never try saying things that hurt him..I'm always trying to be understanding of everything...but it seems ( in his eyes ) that i do..i dont know how to change or what to do about it...

**SaharaJim** · 06-10-2011 09:19 AM

Boundries!....Boundries~!...Boundries! Sounds like you have a "good relationship" but need to set reasonable "boundries" on physical force. Some people would reguard "poking" as "irritating, aggressive or even abusive";

SOME people would reguard it as "foreplay".

And DEPENDING on a large number of variables it can "change at any moment" as to if the "poke" is "playful" or "aggressive". I think the two of you need to have a CALM GENTLE discussion over "touches". You should not have the discussion when either of you is angry or resentful. Decide what is a "good poke" and what is a "bad poke" and how to handle it if one of you trys to "poke good" and accidentally "pokes bad". If you follow STAR TREK; are you Klingons, Orians, Betazoids or Humans? This doesn't need to be a "deal breaker" unless the two of you don't "talk it out". Good luck!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-10-2011 03:11 PM

This to me is ego and control or in-security of himself as a person

From what you've said "he" is the one with a little violent streak in him, you said you once got scared of him, then you say, he hit you on the arm once and it did hurt, he yells, screams, yet one day you call him a "jerk" and his ego is like WT? And, so he decides to use the biggest trick in the book, turn the blame..

I'd be saying to him, what is the difference of you hitting me in the arm, or me lightly smaking your chest - the only thing I apologise for is calling you a jerk, that wasn't mean't as in "jerk" I was concentrating and I guess I lost it a little but I'm not violent that's just called a little temper tantrum, get over it.

Sometimes we actually have to stand tall, whilst also realising our mistake, yours was to call him a name he didn't like, no one really likes being called names lets face it.

CW

**athanasius1812** · 06-10-2011 03:32 PM

I got something different from your post.

You stated that you were "pissed" when you struck him "lightly". I would bet a significant amount of money that you didn't strike him as lightly as you would like to believe, and it certainly wasn't in any way playful.

If you strike someone when you are mad, because you are mad, during the process of allowing yourself to verbally attack them, I can tell you right now you weren't "playing". You might not have hit him full force, but you struck him in anger nonetheless. THAT is what he is reacting to.

I don't believe this is about his bruised ego or hurt feelings. Regardless of what happened before, this time you were out of line. As for how to move past this, well don't make too big a deal out of it. You went too far, acknowledge this and make sure it doesn't happen again. You weren't trying to injure him, you didn't go postal or anything so don't worry about this being a sign of violent tendencies. Just don't do it again, or you will find yourself doing it more often and more aggressively.

**athanasius1812** · 06-10-2011 03:49 PM

Your second post is more concerning. Unfortunately I didn't see it until after my first response was posted. You stated that you "felt it" when he slapped your hand away and that scared you. However, you went on to say he screamed "don't touch me". If he said that, it is very, very unlikely that it was the first time you have physically assaulted him, and that the reason you were scared is that the situation had escalated further than you are willing to admit.

I've taken thousands of statements from domestics. I could be wrong since you haven't provided a lot of information here and I haven't had the opportunity to ask follow on questions, but I've had a lot of practice reading between the lines of people's statements. You need to do something about your tendency to be aggressive. You aren't necessarily a "violent" person, but you may become so if you continue down this path.

Once again I could be wrong (and if I am ignore me), but if you see any truth in what I'm saying please take this opportunity to turn away from the path you are on. It is easier to do the earlier you try to make the change. If you wait until you actually are trying to hurt him (or someone else), you are unlikely to be able to turn back.

**deep_fear** · 06-13-2011 08:35 AM

Thank You for all your comments. The fight is today long forgotten..thank god lol. But I still feel bad about it becasue I dont do this. athanasius1812 I think what your saying is very helpful. let me explain alittle better. The other time i slapped him away is when we were having a argument. And he started saying he was going to " smash my face with his fist" He never touched me that time but got in my face screaming and smashed his phone on the ground next to me, thats when i ( silly me) slapped him and ran out crying..As far as "dont touch me" this happens all the time..even when i want to hug him..ill go up to hug him and he will say "dont touch me im thinking"...i dont know why he does this..When he slapped my arm the other day..we were just talking about 2 different kind of tothpasts..and what one to put on my list...colgate..crest..lol it was nothing intense just preference..so in the end i said ill just get 2..and he was mad so i started tickeling him ( we always tickel one another if one is feeling bad)...and thats when he slapped my arm.