I think it's finally over.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-26-2011 09:54 AM

Beautiful Disaster. Thanks. I am an awesome mom and wife haha. And I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I do think I'm very pretty :] The more I think about it the more I dont want to leave. I want to live in the fairytale I thought we had going.. I want to believe the lies and be stupid and not address them.. But thats not good at all. I gave our relationship everything I had. And it sucks having it thrown back in your face.

The more you think about it, the more you WILL feel that way. It is so very normal to fear the unknown, and to cling to what you do know even if it's totally not good for you (or in this case, the boys either). But remind yourself each time you feel this way, that this is YOU, YOUR FEARS, of having to get out of your comfort zone. There are lots of fears "Omg, how am I going to start over now??" , "Will any man ever want to date with me two sons and a rotten ex husband??", "what kind of job will I be able to find?", "will it ever feel like home somewhere else?"....... these are all fears, but they are things that people go through every day when they realize that the person they were with 5 years ago (in some cases, 30+ years ago) is NOT the person they were with today.

In my past, I had the HARDEST time letting go of a relationship I had. He was my "fairytale". I was his precious piece of fine china....and he acted like he absolutely worshiped the ground I walked on. He romanced me, with wine, nice dinners, vacations.......but most importantly with words and music and passion. Wow....my soulmate.........or so I thought. Things started to change. Not abruptly, but gradually. I found myself in a relationship with someone who was lying to me with every other word, deceiving me, sleeping with another woman, doing things like running me a nice romantic relaxing bubble bath and while I'd be in it, he'd be emailing her or texting her. In all the emails, he never mentioned me to her. It was as if I didn't exist. But to my face, I was the love of his life, the only woman he'd ever need, etc. I couldn't accept it. I left. But for at least a year after that I grieved as if someone I loved had died. I couldn't let go and I'd tell myself "he must have really been my soulmate and that's why I can't get over him", but then one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks........I couldn't get over him because I was hanging on to something that didn't exist, I was hanging on to what I THOUGHT he and I had, and not to what we really and truly had. After that day, I never looked back. The moral of the story is this..... you can lie to yourself and hold yourself and your boys back in life causing lots of unnecessary pain and grief....or you can face the facts of what is reality and the happiness in your life will be unlimited.

Find a lawyer. Ask your trusted friends for referalls. Divorce laws and costs vary by state. Ask the lawyer for a free first visit so you can get an idea of what you need to do. Ask lots of questions. You can do this. And once all is said and done, I do not think you'll regret your decision, even for a second.

**WildChild** · 06-26-2011 10:04 AM

Make a list of legal and procedural questions you need answers to. Most attorneys offer a free initial consultation, this is an opportunity for you to see if they are someone you want to work with and for them to determine if they would want to take your case. You can find out about costs and payment plans and such but you can also start getting an education about what the laws are and how the process works in that state. Often times you can do it yourself but you need to be pretty sharp to be sure you don't set yourself up for trouble later. Of course (as I learned) having an incompetent attorney can be just as bad as having no attorney and you have to pay for it.

You need clearly defined visitation based on what is best for the children not what is easy for the parents, you need to define clearly who pays for what and for how long. Right now your children are little but when they start school there will be school fees and activity fees, maybe a bus fee and as they get into sports and other interests, those all cost and need to be included. You have to keep in mind that if you are the residential parent and you choose to have your kids in various activities, how much of those optional interests should the parent who isn't making that choice have to pay for? When they hit high school the costs sky rocket, so you have to look ahead. Who will pay for things like driving class (in my state that isn't an option, if they are under 18 they have to take it to get a licence) how will costs for a car be handled when they reach that age? Who is responsible for their health insurance? How will out of pocket costs be covered? If they are really smart and start taking college course in high school, who pays? If they get into sports and you decide to enroll them in club sports and they travel to other states to play and it runs $6000 (that's now, it will be more expensive later) does dad have to help with that cost or is it you signed him up for it, you pay? If a child decides they want to play an instrument, learn photography, play golf, who pays?

As a single, residential parent you will be responsible for getting them safely to and from everything, enrolling them in school, where you chose to live will determine where they go to school, you will decide when they are sick enough to stay home, what their primary diet and activity levels will be. You will be dealing with all of this. As a military parent you would have been much of the time anyway, at least as long as he is active. All the things that would be paid for and decided as a couple within your household budget will have to be spelled out in a divorce in some manner. It has to be clear who decides and who pays.

Other things to consider, tax deductions, if the kids live you more than 6 months of the year you will be single head of household and depending on your income you can claim earned income credit but who claims them as a deduction? And which years. You need this spelled out until they are adult and claiming themselves. When does child support end? You should both have to maintain a term life insurance policy with the kids as beneficiaries. The death of a parent is hard enough, there should be continuing financial support from the life insurance.

What if a parent ends up unemployed? What happens to visitation if a parent is living in another country? What if the divorce is completed in one state and you both end up living in other states. Do you have to file for changes through the state where you got the divorce (often this is easiest but if you will have to make an appearance it could be difficult)?

This is just some of what will need to be addressed. A good attorney will cover it all for you.

**Krazy_glu3** · 06-28-2011 10:15 AM

Wild child - Wow.. That gave me a LOT to think about...

My husband says he sent the email because him and his friend were bored at work. Since everyone is out on Post-deployment leave, theres not many guys there, just a few who decided to not take leave. He said that they were bored and wanted to see what she'd say. He says he'd never actually do anything.
My husbands father was the same way. His dad cheated on his mom, and then one night he took the money from their business (which was a loooot) and up and left without anyone knowing. I told my husband that we see how his fathers behavior rubbed off on him. He's treating me like his dad treated his mom. I told him that staying and having our kids see this behavior, and thinking its the right behavior, is NOT good or acceptable. I will not have my sons thinking this behavior is right, and that this is how you are supposed to treat a women. He even stated before and during we went to counseling that he's realized he's acting like his father, and he doesnt want to be like his father at all. He pretty much hates his father. After stating that you KNOW you are acting wrongly, I dont think he can use it anymore as an excuse. Hes fully aware of his actions, so he cant say 'I guess I'm acting like my dad'... he's said that before.
He's not taking me seriously.. last night I woke up in the middle of the night to him playing with my hair, like combing it with his fingers, and him kinda rubbing my back. Every now and then he would get closer to me to the point where he was spooning me. I guess he thought I was asleep because Ive clearly stated I dont want him touching me. He's been trying to kiss me and hug me, and uhm... Im not sure if he's forgotten what he did, but I DONT want kisses or for him to even touch me. So I guess when I'm asleep he gets as close as possible to make it feel like nothings wrong and that its just another regular night. But even after several 'stop's and 'dont's I would scoot away... then after a while he would move closer again.
My sister says maybe we should try counseling, consistent counseling, and if I dont feel like it was enough then I should just leave. She talked to him on the phone and she says she believes him when he said he didnt cheat when he was deployed. Ive asked if he's ever cheated during our whole relationship and he says no, but for some reason I just DONT believe that. My sister says that guys can be stupid and even her boyfriend of... whew.. YEEEARS, has even done stupid stuff like that when he gets around one of his guy friends. And my sisters boyfriend is pretty much one-of-a-kind. Hes amazing. So to even think someone like him, would do stupid stuff like that makes me wonder if it really was under the influence of his friend. I know how marines are. They have to be macho, and out macho their friends. What he doesnt realize is trying to act macho in front of his friends has ruined our marriage.
I remember someone asked about if he only does this when hes away. The answer is no. When we were together back in Texas he would text other girls. I found two were he said they were sexy. Like one said she had just gotten out of the shower, and he told her thats sexy. when we were living together we had problems with this one chick. Skip a looot of , last year when he was in cali and I was back in texas, he went out and spent the night with a chick in downtown san diego. He tells me he doesnt even know her name. He just added her, met up with her, and that was it. Sweeeears nothing happened but why should I believe that? We had an amazing night last year and then the next morning at work he sent pics of his to her. So I mean, we've lived together even when he's doing this.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-28-2011 10:34 AM

My sister says that guys can be stupid

That is SUCH a bad thing for someone to tell someone going through what you are. If this was his only indiscretion, I can understand the "Oh he was just showing off for his friends" thing, MAYBE. But this is not, and your sister knows that I assume.

Of course she believes him. He's sad, worried about losing his family, and I'm sure he's very convincing. They key is, do YOU believe him?

I know that being in the military is a very tough job. But I will say this....men (and women) all over the world in all kinds of different jobs cheat on their spouses. There is no, zero, zilch, nada excuse for it. I think he does now, and has in the past exhibited traits of someone who lies and then lies to get himself out of it.

He just added her, met up with her, and that was it. Sweeeears nothing happened but why should I believe that?

You shouldn't. Of course he's not going to admit what he did. Why would he?

So I mean, we've lived together even when he's doing this.

My opinion is that he's a cheater, he enjoys it, and he doesn't intend to stop it. It's also my opinion that is has nothing to do with his job...and everything to do with who he is.

And I know that's not the opinion you want to hear right now. But it's my gut feeling based on what you've told us.

**Krazy_glu3** · 06-28-2011 11:29 AM

My sister said if I leave that she will support that decision, and that he is in no way mature, and that he's a . And he is. I told him he wants me to stay because if I leave that takes the fun out of it. Cause he will no longer be cheating, or have the thrill or hiding it and getting caught. My sister told him that everyone back home will up and leave to get me and bring me home. I dont have a place to stay, and with two kids.. nobody really wants me to live with them. I dont have much money, but I know that if anything did happen, he'd have to send me money to support the kids. My sister said when she leaves in July she would try to hook me up with her job. I dont mind living in some apartments.

My boyfriend before him cheated on me... A LOT.. and when I told my husband, he was like 'well you were stupid for keep going back to him'. Yeah duh, no I was stupid.. Then when I found him texting all these girls, I told him I'm stupid if I take him back. Then reminded him about how he said I was stupid for going back to my ex. He was like 'thats different.. he had sex with other girls.. i didnt.'. What I got from that was that he thinks its acceptable, and that I'll take him back every time as long as he doesnt have sex with them. Ive got a lot of thinking to do. He hasnt proved to me at all that he is willing to change. I had just started trusting him from his last screw up last year, and he does this. Lots of thinking to do.. Might have to have him watch the kids so I can have a day to myself. Thats another thing that always pissed me off... he never lets me go out alone without making a big deal and/or texting me every 10 minutes asking where I am or if I'm with anyone. Wth.. Im faithful and I believe if you are with someone you have NO reason to even think about cheating. We are obviously on diff pages.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 06-28-2011 05:41 PM

It's VERY common for a partner who cheats to be overly protective/jealous of their very faithful trustworthy partner. I think it's the manifestation of their own guilt coming out.

He says "He had sex with other girls, I didn't." No...he just got CAUGHT. You'd have to physically catch him in the act to prove with no doubt that he has had other sexual partners. He knows the chances of that happening are very slim.

You know your husband. Do you think he pursued a woman online, met up with her, stayed all night with her, and didn't have sex with her? He's a fool if he thinks you don't know that. But he's very likely somewhat of a narcissist and truly thinks he pulled the wool over on you. He probably also thinks it's different than it was with your ex who cheated, because, it's him.

As for your living situation, most people don't want ANYONE moving in with em permanently, but there are people who would sacrifice to help you out temporarily. Before you knew it, you'd have your own cozy place, your own job, and your own life.