Help! We just can't seem to make it work......

**kscshell** · 07-03-2011 07:34 PM

I have been in a relationship with man for 2 1/2 years. We were engaged for over a year of that 2 1/2. He had a drinking problem and finally gave up alcohol in January. He says that he did it for me... however it seems like after he "gave up" drinking our relationship became worse than it was when he was drinking.. So now we have "officially" broke up, but we just can't seem to get away from each other.. I have dated other guys.. and all I can think about is him.... I'm pretty sure that he has went out with another girl, if not went out I know that he has been talking with other girls on Match. But we keep coming back together.... then we get into an argument and seperate for a 2 or 3 weeks... I just can't seem to move on.. I love this man and he says that he loves me.. but I think that our emotions are so raw by all the hurtful things that we have said to each other.. that all it takes in just a simple thing to set it off and we are backing away from each other.. I am hurting soo bad.. I just can't stand myself.. I really believe that we are suppose to be together, but we just can't seem to stay together long enough to really work on our problems...
So this weekend.. I'm spending it by myself.... he is always accusing me of not wanting to spend time with him... 2 weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to go away for the weekend.. and he kind of side-stepped the issue.. then I asked again this week and he never responded.. now yesterday I find out that his father and sister came out to his house and are spending the weekend with him.... I wasn't invited.... but he tells me that he is so lonely out there and it is my fault.. but when I ask him to do something he blows me off and not has his alcohlic sister and alcoholic father out there??? UGH! I just want to get drunk myself...
Please help me... give me some advice...

**Crystalblue** · 07-03-2011 07:54 PM

Going with the on again, off again relationship doesn't sound healthy. You might need to take more time to yourself than a weekend. Instead of going back to dating, maybe try being in a relationship with yourself for a little while. Take that time to sort out your emotions and examine what went wrong. Get to a place inside where you see your value again, instead of needing him to show you, when he can't. After you've reached a place where you don't "need" him, then you'll be able to tell if this is someone who can treat you right and make you happy, but throwing each other in out of the same relationship doesn't solve anything. It doesn't give you time to work out your problems together, and it doesn't give you time to work out your individual problems.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-04-2011 04:45 PM

I agree with CB..

The blame game has to stop...No one person is ever at fault in my opinion in any situation...

Why do you say he is worse since he stopped drinking? And, how do you feel about his Father and Sister who drink excessively staying with him, do you believe that he won't drink that weekend?

It sounds as if he has grown up in an alcoholic environment, maybe he wants to be free of that, maybe he's finding it hard to do so...

What sets off the arguments? Do you retaliate or do you start some of them, with the word game...

It truly doesn't sound as if you are matched it sounds as if you are toxic together, but neither can let each other go, through fear of not being able to move on, thinking, both of you that you wouldn't find someone better, you do know that you can deep down inside, love is a big, big, word....How about perfect match or as close to as possible, that is what you should be looking for, not a rollercoaster ride.

**wendilee** · 07-05-2011 06:34 AM

i agree with CB also. when you leave a relationship whether it be a trial separation or for good, you have to take the time personally to heal. i am kind of in the same boat. My husband and i separated a few months ago, and it is killing me to be away from him but if we get around each other or talk on the phone it always ends up in an argument. I know that i can not heal while still keeping any kind of relationship with him.
you need to heal and the only way to heal yourself is to be away from him. when you get the urge to call/text/go see him, find something else to occupy your time. call a friend who will just listen to you. go for a walk, turn the music up real loud and dance it away. you will feel better and that urge will pass. if that works for you and a month from now, you still want to try ur relationship, then invite him to dinner or lunch. somewhere public that you are less likely to argue at. and you will know when you see him, after no contact, if he is really who you want to be with.
This is what i am doing now, i have a friend who will talk to me whenever i need her. and a friend who will go walking with me, and my son who likes to kick my butt in video games. all that keeps my mind from wondering. and it is helping. keep ur chin up, and stay strong.

**Risch** · 07-07-2011 02:49 AM

I've had problems letting go of my husband... My dad gave me the best, most practical advice: Relationships become like a habit. You get used to the other person in your life, calling you, sms'ing you, etc. Just like you form habits, you can also break them. To break a habit, takes about 2 weeks. After that, it's still hard work, but you're out of the groove.
How do you break a relationship-habit? Well, every time you catch yourself thinking about him, STOP, and think of something else. (This may sound weird: but praying for that person helps as well). Everytime you look at the phone waiting for him to call - STOP, and do something else.
Until you can get some distance from him or your past with him, your relationship will never get a chance to heal - nor will you. Let it be - as the Beatles said, Let it be.