I'm in the dog house

**chaya** · 07-05-2011 11:23 PM

Yesterday we had guests invited over for dinner to celebrate the 4th of July. My husband got called to work at the last minute so I had to act as host all alone. My husbands police partner was one of the guests. His partner and my sister had got together 7 months ago, after my wedding and she spent the night in his apartment. He was 22 and she was 17 at the time.

Last night at the party hubby's partner and my sister said they were going to drive down to the cove to watch the fireworks and would be back in about an hour. Three hours later they still weren't back when my husband got home from work. When I told him, he was furious with me, I've never seen him so mad, it was scary. He has never yelled at me like that before and I didn't know what to do. Finally he said for me to take the bedroom, he would sleep on the couch downstairs and wait for them to come back. I tried to sleep but couldn't and at 6 AM I got up and checked my sisters room. Her bed was still made. I went downstairs, my husband was sitting on the couch, watching the news on TV. He was still mad and didn't want to talk to me. He said his partner could go to jail if this ever got out. I reminded him that my sister had turned 18 at midnight last night. That seemed to make him feel better. I went out to make some frozen waffles for breakfast, and he finely joined me at the table. They got home about 10 this morning. Hubby has calmed down a lot but I can tell he is still mad at me and my sister.

Today his partner took my sister out to dinner for her birthday but they came back in about 3 hours. Should I keep apologizing and begging his forgiveness or would it be better to just not mention it again and wait?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-06-2011 12:10 AM

I fail to see what you did wrong?

Even if you had walked up to the guy and said, I don't want you to go actually, this is a party for the 4th of July, my husband isn't home and therefore he would expect you respect the event and both remain here would he? Or if you said the same thing to your sister?

Ask your husband that.

Seems he feels that you should have stopped them and it seems that he feels you should control your sister and she should abide by your rules at 18? Maybe at 15...

Perhaps in an Adult way, it's time to stand up for yourself and repeat both of the above followed by, I really didn't appreciate the ignorance, my sister is of age and I am not her keeper and I entertained our friends in a time where you were called on to work, if anything, you should be saying thank you for those efforts...

He needs something there to think about.

CW

**Mes T** · 07-06-2011 12:22 AM

Wow I completely agree with CW, exactly why are you at fault for any of this?

If he's worried about his partner disgracing himself with the police unit then he could have had a man-to-man chat with him about teenage girls AGES ago. And in any case, what your husband's partner does in his spare time is not his or your business.

I really do not understand why he put you through heck after they ran off? Even if you were their mother... you wouldn't have a say anyway!

**Texinator** · 07-06-2011 01:13 AM

Originally Posted by chaya

He was still mad and didn't want to talk to me. He said his partner could go to jail if this ever got out.

Wow, so how is it your responsibility what his partner does? Even if your sister were still 17 or, say, even 15?

It's his partner's decision and responsibility what he does and doesn't do with your sister, and you're not her mother, so her actions aren't your responsibility either.

**PinkySweet** · 07-06-2011 01:45 AM

Your not his partners mother. A grown man should be able to take care of hisself...

**chaya** · 07-06-2011 02:10 AM

When I asked my husband if it would be ok for my sister to spend the summer with us, he voiced his doubts because he knew of her flirtatious ways. I assured him that she would be on her best behavior and I would keep an eye on her and take the responsibility. He has every right to be mad at me, I should have known better than to just let them go off alone. If I had tried to stop them it would be another matter, but I didn't.

I'm getting just what I deserve, I just don't know what to do to make it right.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-06-2011 03:40 AM

Chaya I admire you for taking your vows seriously and your culture perhaps in serving the correct way/manner but people have all said the same thing? All of us...

Yes, you did assure him and no you did not say anything but, but, there is a big but...

This "friend/collegue" was thinking with his penis, your husband knows that, how were you mean't to stop that even if you asked her not to go? Ask you sister ,if you had insisted that she didn't go would she have still gone?

And, don't make promises that you know in your heart you can't keep... You can not control your sister nor should you, she is 18 and she is NOT your responsibility and your husband should know that and not take it out on you full stop.

I'm sorry..that's my take...

Marriage is not about someone controlling especially a situation that can not be controlled it is about understanding what is beyond someone's capacity.

For example..."ok chaya, I appreciate you'll try but you and I both know she will do what she wants, so I will speak to my colleague".. "thank you for wanting to try, love you".

Did he? No....

He expected you to honor why? He knows you are timid or is it , that he doesn't know his wife at all?

Sure you will be angry with me other that last statement but in reality, think about that.

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-06-2011 06:54 AM

I'm not sure why you feel that everything your husband says or does is the gospel. I'm here to tell you, it's not.

He sounds like a good man, but he's NOT perfect. A big part of partnership is growing together, learning from one another, etc. How can he grow and learn anything if you will never cross him? He's right ALL the time. That must get tiring.

In this case, he is 100% totally wrong. I dated a cop, and I know the close bonds they have with their beat partners. Your husband should've had that talk with his partner, NOT with you. You are not your sisters keeper, even if you agreed to watch out for her. He knows you're no watch dog. He knows you're the quiet submissive type. Under NO circumstances should he have expected you to CONTROL what your sister (an adult) and his partner (also an adult) do.

You can apologize. And this type of thing will happen again and again and again. Within the past 2 months, there have been how several instances of things happening in your marriage that REALLY bother you, yet you refuse to discuss it with him, therefore, nothing ever changes. I can say, without hesitation, that in this instance you did nothing wrong, you should not be apologizing, HE should be apologizing to you for treating you so ugly for something that was not in your control.

**Texinator** · 07-06-2011 07:08 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

For example..."ok chaya, I appreciate you'll try but you and I both know she will do what she wants, so I will speak to my colleague".. "thank you for wanting to try, love you".

Did he? No....

He expected you to honor why? He knows you are timid or is it , that he doesn't know his wife at all?

That is a VERY good question indeed.

**Little** · 07-06-2011 08:25 AM

I'm going to keep this short in the hopes that you hear it:
Your husband is human. And not even a particularly nice human. He's controlling and, from evidence in your other threads, he doesn't make you happy.
Are you willing to deal with that for the rest of your life?
I'm begging you to say NO to that and strive for a healthier relationship.