Can't move forward

**aquasea** · 07-14-2011 10:04 AM

I am posting this message to get some feedback from women (or men). I have been trying to get over a certain problem for 5 months now.

Five months ago, I found through my husbands email that he had set up an appointment at an erotic massage service in a city thousands of miles from our home.

I'll tell you a little history - Been married 28 years, 2 grown kids, good relationship until recently, great husband, father, provider, just a really solid person I thought I could trust more than anything. Really committed to our family.

He had a job that took him out of town and went to this certain person for erotic massages. He says he went twice. A friend of his told him about the place and how to set it up, price, etc.

Anyway, when we have talked, he said he started viewing porn about 4 years ago, and his standard in how women look changed. The standards went up. I noticed he was not interested in me too much in the bedroom anymore, but I thought he was just getting older (56) and I didn't want to be demanding or embarass him, so let it go.
Anyway, he said he got tired of just looking and wanted more.

So he went to the massage ( a classy place he says in a condo unit). Full nude(her and him). She gave him a handheld "happy ending" each time. I checked her website, no sex.

I cannot get over the images, disgust, betrayal and all the rest that goes on with this.
The massage person was a 23 yr old, he has a 23 yr old daughter. ICK

We have had a good marriage with its ups and downs, but nothing like this before.

I am having so much trouble getting past this. He is doing all the right things - going to counselling, quit the job that took him away, spending tons of time with me trying to make things up, planning a trip for us, you name it, he will do it.

I have also gone to counselling.

If anyone out there has had any experience with this kind of thing, I would like to hear your comments, others also.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-14-2011 10:27 AM

Welcome to WH. I think you'll get a lot of good advice here, and can hopefully in turn give some advice to others!

This is such a tough thing. I've been pondering the idea of "forgiveness" alot lately, and actually just started a thread about it last week ( http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...ness-real.html ).

We can all sit here and tell you that what he did was wrong. Because it was. But that wouldn't do you any good, because you already know that. Clearly...that's why you're having a hard time getting past it. To spend that many years of your life with someone, and then for them to betray you in that way is so incredibly painful. In my mind, cheating is cheating is cheating. Whether it's a handjob, a blow job, intercourse, making out, and whether or not you paid for it or got it free.....it's cheating. If your marriage were rocky before, you'd have probably been less surprised.

One thing I know is, when someone has really hurt me to my core (as mentioned on the forgiveness thread) forgiveness is almost incomprehendable for me. People say it, but I don't even really know how to FEEL it when I'm hurt to that point. It's almost like, why should I try to forgive someone who obviously cared little enough about me to do this?

He realizes this, and is going through all the motions..... but what about you? Do you think it's even POSSIBLE for you to forgive him or is this marriage tainted to the point that it's irreconcilable in your eyes? Are you able to forgive, or are you going to SAY you've forgiven yet spend your life checking for porn, strange receipts, looking at yourself and feeling inferior to some 20 year old porn star? I ask this...simply because I don't know if I could do it or not. But, from what I've learned here from others, its apparently possible.

**oxy-moron** · 07-14-2011 05:29 PM

It is always going to be hard when something hits you out of the blue. Time is probably the only thing that will help you and it is early days for you with this problem.
You need to chalk it down to a mid life crisis. I know that the whole thing creeps you out but you should be able to take some solace from the type of hookup he went for. The was no emotional component- he wont have stopped thinking of you as his partner- there wasnt even a true physical cheat.
He is trying to redeem himself.
Let him earn his way back gradually.
Try going to a site called reuniting which is associated with Kareza and see how relationships gradually deteriorate and see if you can change things for the long term.
Good Luck

**rcoreyus** · 07-14-2011 06:16 PM

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions (and only you can answer them)

1. Why did he do it, and has that reason gone away. If the reason is still there, then it will probably happen again.

2. If you don't think he will this again, can you forgive him for what he did, or will it always cast a shadow over your marriage.

3. If you think he will do this again, can you be happy in a relationship like that.

4. Do you love him.

**Crystalblue** · 07-14-2011 07:02 PM

With all the pain involved, I hate knowing and hearing that it'll take time. It's something that can't be rushed. I had to make a conscious decision to forgive and give my husband another chance. If that is what you want, you have to look at how he treats you and if he's working to change. It won't happen over night, but healing can happen if both of you are willing to do your part. My husband and I aren't out of the woods yet, but I am starting to move past the hurt. I have good days and bad ones still, but I've gotten to a place where it doesn't seem like it's hopeless.

Some of the best advice I've gotten was to do things that make you happy. Go out and have fun with friends and family. Don't sit alone dwelling, waiting for it to be different. Focus less on what he needs to do and more on what you want. Take a day here and there to have a break from your marital problems, and just go out and do something fun.

**aquasea** · 07-15-2011 11:43 AM

Thank you for all the feedback. It helps a lot to see what other people's perspectives are.

I am trying to deal with the issues, it's just harder work that I would have ever imagined.

I have made my mind up that if he did resort to this behaviour again, I would ask him to leave as it's not something I can accept in my life for moral/values reasons and the way it has made me feel bad about myself. I have always been a confident, secure person but this has tested me in a way I'd never have imagined.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 07-15-2011 02:00 PM

I have always been a confident, secure person but this has tested me in a way I'd never have imagined.

That kind of behavior is very very damaging. It takes the whole act of betrayal to a whole different level when you realize of all the ways you as a woman, and as a wife have suffered from this. Alot of times people who do this kind of thing want to say I'm sorry and have their slate wiped clean. But something like this can take years of diligent repair. I hope he understands that. And I hope you are commited to the fact that you may reach a point in this where you realize you aren't going to be able to get past it and if you reach that point, it's better to free yourself of it than to live your life in pain.

Wishing you and your family the best!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-15-2011 04:21 PM

If someone loves you, they will move mountains for you.. All the things he is doing to make what was "wrong" right, shows he loves you....

You know, it's a long road, the word forgiveness... And, men can still revert unfortunately to "little boys" they were always the hunter. I visualise the full description that was given to him by his friend and the temptation. And, possibly the thoughts yes/no/yes/no until he convinced himself it wasn't cheating, it was a massage and one that he would enjoy right to the end, something he has never, had before, maybe something he wanted to experience therefore.. Am I standing up for him? No...Am I trying to see why perhaps? Yes...

Should he have asked you to try this with him? Yes. Would he have been scared to on the chance you would reject it or was it selfishness because you would have and he knew that... There is a question to ponder...

It was wrong the temptation was there and he "chose" to ignore the consequences opting for at least he didn't cheat on you...

I often wonder if men realise the emotions of a woman, do they truly understand the effect that any form of cheating has on a woman.... Do they not know we know they revert to boys at some point in their life just as much as we seem to move into the "all woman" catagory at the later stage of our lives..

You both have an opportunity as well as I see it, pending on how you view intimacy, you both can be more adventurous once you feel safe as he's showing all signs of "love for you" to go through all those changes of his "bad choice" but "mistake"...

I always look for positives from a negative, I suggest that to everyone or else our lives are filled with anger, stress and hurt/pain...

And as Crystalblue stated, have you been looking after you? Enjoying your life, family, friends, dressing up, being whole with him being a part of your life but not all of your life.... Because you are a confident woman, should someone ever hurt you again, you need to be ready in this world to stand on your own, love yourself and be able to be by yourself.

And as Oxy stated, mid-life crisis is real. It's not something men choose it is part of being a man in his genes so to speak and it appears that this is one of those mid - life crisises, it doesn't mean he'll do it again...But the two of you as I said, can look at things differently and both revert back further to your youth and enjoy the rest of your lives, he's obviously open to adventure and you should be too

**aquasea** · 07-15-2011 05:50 PM

Your comments all do help.

I am taking care of myself as I always have with hobbies, work, family and good friends.

I believe in mid life crisis as well, like buying a sportscar or motorcylce or tanning, working out etc., but to me this is far beyond that and is not a valid excuse at all.

I don't think of my husband the same way anymore. I just think it shows a deep character flaw and don't really respect him anymore either. I'm trying to show him respect though.

He never thought I would find out because it happened so far from home and he never told anyone he went there.

He said if he didn't get caught, it could have escalated to full on sex and maybe more often. At least he's honest about this.

He says he doesn't ever want to do this again, as it's caused so much trauma in his life, but I just don't know. This will probably wear off, and you know how they say, "once the loaf has been cut", it's easy to take another piece.

I guess I'll just see how I feel, I told myself I'd give it a year.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-15-2011 06:11 PM

Have you asked him why, it would have escalated to full on sex and maybe more often?

Have you re-visited the past 2 years of intimacy with each other and how your sex life was? Not blaming you so don't get me wrong but what is it then that he thinks he was missing that put those thoughts into his mind of what may have occured?