Should I get a divorce? I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore...

**Melody1979** · 07-14-2011 07:54 PM

I have been married to an outstanding military man for a little over three years now. My husband is a great father and takes care of everything in the house, but since he came back from his first deployment in 2009 things changed. He would not have sex with me but maybe once every two or three weeks. I remember being in a bad mood and frustrated all the time since I am a very sexual person and from what I am told I am also attractive. I was feeling ugly and old (and I'm only 31, I was 29 at that time). I would touch him and initiate foreplay in bed and he would push me away, I felt horrible inside... And then before we solved that part of our marriage another one year deployment came along. I felt very insecure about him, specially with him being so far away for an entire year... To make the story short, I met someone and we got involved in a sexual relationship. It was so great, this new guy fell hard for me and gave me new hope. I moved away, separated from my husband and I thought I was happy until I read an email from this new guy to ANOTHER GUY! I felt devastated! I felt like it was KARMA for leaving my husband. I told the husband about it but didn't tell him the "details" of the great sex life I had with this new ex-bisexual boyfriend I had found. Husband forgave me and and asked me back in the house. I moved back to the house, husband came back from deployment but I can't have sex with him. I am not sexually attracted to him at all anymore! We tried to have sex when he came back but it's not working out. The ex bi-boyfriend emails me every day like 20 times a day begging me back, he says he made a mistake and wants to marry me. The sad part is that I am not sexually attracted to anyone but my ex-boyfriend! He swears he is not gay, he says it was just an email and he was not going to act on it... On the other hand my husband is really trying hard to be "better" for "us". He works out with me every day, quit dipping... I am going crazy! Should I accept the fact that I am not attracted to my husband anymore and will never be and get a divorce? I am not saying I have an excuse for what I have done, I know I did wrong but should I go for the passion or the love of the father of my kid? I'm lost and even depressed because no one is happy. Help

**PinkySweet** · 07-14-2011 08:28 PM

I really think that you should continue working on the relationship with you husband! It shows that he really loves you if hes working on it and still wanted you back after your affair. I do think if your going to try to work it out with your husband, your going to have to be a 100% devoted to it. Youd need to cut off all connection with your ex.

This actually really saddens me, because my fiance is leaving for the marines in March... and I hate to see military relationships not work out.

**oxy-moron** · 07-14-2011 08:40 PM

Hi
Unfortunately Lust/passion does not last long. That is as nature intended it.
There are two examples in your own case.
Your Passion did not last with your Husband and your new Guys Passion did not last with you. Now that he is away form you he will start to renew interest but that wont last if you get back with him.
Your new guy rings a few alarm bells- He has a taste for married woman and he has a taste for men. These show he could make life interesting for you - but not in a good way. If you chase novelty you will end up with a string of broken relationships.

Long separations in a relationship cause issues with bonding. This is because a hormone called Oxytocin is generated in relationships by touch and contact- this hormone is associated with loyalty, bonding and sexual interest.
You can manipulate the Oxytocin levels in your relationship through regular touch and massage. Sex will also boost it but it doesnt sound like you can go there at the moment.

Good Luck.

**Crystalblue** · 07-14-2011 08:57 PM

I always hope for the loving marriage to work out. It's important for me to see the commitment as unbreakable. Loyalty is a trait that I put a lot of stock in. But it sounds to me like you need some time to yourself to figure out what you want and need. Instead of separating from your husband into another relationship, have you thought about being in a relationship with yourself for awhile? Give yourself time to examine how you really feel? If you love your husband the way he seems to love you, there is hope for the marriage, but if not, you would just be postponing the inevitable and putting yourselves through more pain and frustration.

**W6mum** · 08-18-2011 10:26 AM

There is a third way here - someone new altogether once you've got yourself a new life, learnt how to be happy on your own and worked something out for yourself as a single mum. It will be hard though.
Nonetheless have you and your husband talked about the sex thing or seen a therapist? Men in the military on deployment get exposed to such terrible horrors that it can shut them down to intimacy and emotion? He sounds a solid and forgiving guy but then so is my Dad and my brother but my relationship needs more than that
P.S. no such thing as ex-bisexual. Only temporarily not acting out the urges. Be VERY afraid of this one (and I know, having great sex when you've been in sex purdah for so long just feels so amazing but I've just found out my man - with whom I have ground moving sex - has an active profile on a gay pick up site. Not cool). If he describes himself as ex-bisexual then he's in denial and confused

**Little** · 08-18-2011 10:37 AM

Calling someone who is bisexual "confused" is a slippery slope. Bisexual people are capable of committing to long-term monogamous relationships like anybody else. Anyone trying to "figure out their sexuality" is probably best left to their own devices until they are certain, just to ensure that the relationship isn't putting pressure on them and their decision.