So confused about my feelings for my husband.

**anonymouspuella** · 07-15-2011 08:19 PM

I've seen this subject over and over but I decided to post my own issues because not all problems are the same. Sorry if this is long, I'm trying to sort out my thoughts too.

I've been married to my husband for a little over two years now. We knew each other for about 7 months before we got married, but a few of those months were strictly online (we were introduced through a friend and talked like that before actually meeting) and then we did a lot of texting and seeing each other on the weekends because he was in the military and lived a couple hours away.

We argue a lot and a month after being married I ended up pregnant and it took me a lot of my pregnancy to be okay with the fact (it was hard to shake the feeling of the life I wanted to have not being possible anymore). After having my son, sex became... not very often. At first I figured it was because after having a baby you need time to heal and your hormones to even out and so on. But by the time my son turned 5 months old, I still didn't want sex and then my husband deployed.

When he got back from deployment, I was expecting problems because I talked to other married military couples who said you get used to doing things a certain way, and then the spouse returns and it can cause fights because the spouse ends up trying to change the way you do things or they don't do things right, and yadda yadda (like how you grocery shop and such). So, I wasn't surprised that I began to get irritated by the things he did or didn't do.

When he first got back, we had sex often enough the first week (pent up sexual tension I guess) but after that, it went back to not wanting to have sex very often. Over the months, my annoyance toward him has grown. The things he says, the things he does, even now the way he looks bothers me. He's always been overweight and dress sort of sloppily, which was never a big deal... but now I just see it as sloppy and lazy because he won't get serious about being healthy and that's what I WANT for myself.

I'm all about constant changing of ones self to become the best person you can be and I want to change myself and I want to be healthy and fit and want my son to grow up in that environment, but my husband always has a way to wipe out my motivation and stop any personal growth and I can't stand that.

His laziness, his procrastination, his sloppiness, it brings me down so much that sometimes I get depressed. I'm the kind of person who wants to go out and volunteer and be active and go overseas to volunteer and all this stuff. I always imagined being with someone who did that stuff with me, but I didn't think his being different was going to be a problem and it shouldn't be, right? We hardly have anything in common, which also shouldn't be a problem, but it feels like every time I say something, he disagrees with it or dogs on it and then I end up getting mad at him because it get's old. I don't care if he disagrees with my opinion, but he doesn't have to say about it and go on about it being dumb.

I feel like I'm always doing something wrong and I'm so tired of him telling me, this is the better way to do it, your way isn't good.

My attraction to him has dwindled down to nothing. I don't like sex with him and I know a lot of people say to do it anyway and you'll get back into it but... honestly, when I have sex with him now it makes me feel like crying. We hardly ever touch, which is my fault! I just don't like kissing him or holding his hand and it's rare to want to cuddle with him. I just don't know what's wrong with me. He's a good guy, he always wants to make me happy, and he's a great provider. I hate feeling this way and being so confused, I hate that I look at him and feel, not repulsed but just... ugh, you know?

I don't know if I love him anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that, even reading this, that i'm making him sound bad or something which is not my intentions. I don't want to screw things up and regret it. I don't know if I left things out or what I said is confusing, but just let me know and I'll try to answer whatever questions you might have.

**Texinator** · 07-15-2011 08:40 PM

It's not surprising that you're not interested in sex with him anymore. You need to be happy and excited about the person you're going to sleep with, and it doesn't like there is much enthusiasm for him left.

Having said that, if he is so different from you, what happened? Was there ever a time where you lived together happily and peacefully, and then he changed somewhere along the way, or have you two been arguing from the beginning. If it is the latter, what attracted you to him in the first place?

**jns** · 07-15-2011 10:35 PM

It sounds to me like you two weren't for each other in the first place. And then you got married and had a baby. It sounds like two would be better apart. Maybe then you can become friends for your son's sake.

**anonymouspuella** · 07-15-2011 11:42 PM

I think we just didn't TRULY get to know each other before moving forward. We did fight a lot once we moved in together, but I just thought it was natural. I mean I was so used to living alone i thought I had to get used to him being around all the time. I guess what attracted me to him to start with was that he was just a really nice guy and treated me nicely and cared/took care of me. Growing up, my mom drilled it in my head that good men were hard to come by and there were so many bad men out there.

**Texinator** · 07-16-2011 12:25 AM

...and so if you find a good man, hang on to him no matter what, right?

There are many bad men out there, and there are also many good ones. You just have to find a good one that is compatible with you. Otherwise, it is only natural that there is friction, and the sparks flying in a relationship should come from passion rather than anger.

**WildChild** · 07-16-2011 07:34 AM

Why did you marry him in the first place?
What drew you to him?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-16-2011 03:23 PM

I don't know too much about behavioural patterns of someone from the Military, Little maybe able to share more on that subject but you state that he tells you how to do things in a "better way"... In the Military they are "told" what to do, how to make their bed, everything has to be perfect, sounds as if that is what he is doing at home with you...

Yes good men are hard to find however, without compatibility, there is no relationship you are in a "friends zone" and that's not a way to live.

It sounds as if you also have some resentment of getting pregnant so early in the stage, how do you feel now that your little one is 5 months old? Are you frightened to be on your own as a single Mother it that was to occur?

Does your husband still show that he cares for you, still give you attention, write to you when he's away, or as you were used to being independent do you feel most of the time you are still living your own life and find it hard to share a life with someone when that time comes, only to go back to feeling single again after.

You never said that the 7 months internet and texting was fantastic, you felt lust, love from that connection...You make it sound like, well he was a good person, caring, and so I thought I'd give marriage a go and now I am not sure I did the right thing.

**Little** · 07-16-2011 04:41 PM

It seems to me that you made a poor choice in a mate based on the idea that you should "snap him up" because he wasn't a total monster. Were you ever very attracted to him? Was there ever a spark, a fire?
It sounds like he's a little depressed. How does being overweight affect his job? Does he ever get in trouble for poor appearance? Disheveled uniform? How did his deployment affect him (if it's at all obvious?) How involved is he in parenting your child?
What are the odds that he would want to retain custody of your child so that you can live out your dreams? That may not be an option you want, but I thought it was one you could consider.
I agree with others who've said you would be better apart. It seems you're talking about a boring man you're ambivalent towards, not a loving and beloved husband. Why torture yourselves by staying together?

**anonymouspuella** · 07-16-2011 11:53 PM

My son is now 16 months old actually, and the thought of raising him on my own does not affect me for three reasons. One, probably because my mother raised my brother and I alone and so I guess it makes me not scared about it. Two, I feel as though most of the time I'm a single parent anyway because my husband is works night shifts so he's either asleep or at work. Three, I know my husband would make sure that at least my son is well taken care of and would stay around in his life.

Yes, my husband shows me all the time that he loves me and still treats me good, which is why I'm such an awful person. As for the living my own life, that is one of my biggest issues. I feel as though I am NOT living my own life. I feel as though, since I'm a stay at home mother and have to talk to him about the things I may want to buy and make decisions based on him too, I'm controlled in a way. I can't stand feeling like that.

**anonymouspuella** · 07-17-2011 12:01 AM

He's actually not depressed at all and the overweight thing doesn't affect his job at all. Everyone loves him at his work because he's such a good worker and I guess easy to get along with, not to mention he doesn't put up with superiors acting like they know something they don't. I would never let my husband keep my son. Not because he's not a good dad, he is a good dad when he's around and not at work, but I couldn't abandon my son like that. He's my life now and he's the greatest little man in the whole world.

The biggest reason I'm not going to do anything is because what if this is all chalked up to me being unhappy with myself and who've I've become, or rather, HAVEN'T become. If that's the case, I just have to find myself again and make my life the way I want it. I've expressed my feelings to my husband and so now we will try and reconcile.