Future Mother in law/Same engagement ring

**Audy09** · 07-23-2011 08:25 AM

My life with my fiancé and his family had been so wonderful up until we became engaged. I have found his mother to be manipulative and just straight up psycho. We got engaged 11/21/09. It was the best night of my life. Sadly, less than a month later it was the last thing I wanted to remember. We all went out to dinner with his parents and one of his brothers. As dinner was almost over my fiancée mom wanted to show everyone what she got that day for her birthday. It was a new ring. She had lost the diamond out of her previous one. The more I looked at the ring the more I noticed it was the same! I told her at the table that is what just like mine. She seemed appalled and wanted to take it back but I told her no no that's ok. I didn't want to have a attack at dinner. So 8 months after this took place I went to talk to her one on one. I completely broke down crying my eyes out and begging her to do something about it. She told me, I don't understand why it bothers you? I think it's great, we have something in common. There is no way I can take it back so I don't know what you expect me to do? I have NEVER heard of this happening. I know it's because I'm with the baby of the family. She does so many things to just get her way. She's the epitome of what a crazy mother does during the holidays. We always have to end up at her house so she will play stupid games, take "family" photos and at thanksgiving we have to sign this table cloth. All things to make sure her boys are always around. I HAVE A FAMILY TOO! I have talked to my fiancee and I think he is going to do something about the ring situation. Am I wrong for not wanting the same ring as his mother? Especially one who does not care about my feelings. Please, I need all the advice I can get.

**KMonte85** · 07-23-2011 08:50 AM

I guess I don't see what the big deal is... She offered to get a new ring and you said it wasn't necessary - fast forward 8 MONTHS and you tell her she needs to do something about it. 8 MONTHS

I don't know about in your area, but in my neck of the woods, you have maybe ONE WEEK to exchange a ring at a jewlery store, past that - its yours and, sure, they'll buy it back, for about 50% of what you paid for it. You're MIL made a good point.. What do you expect your future MIL to do? It wasn't like she picked the same ring as you on purpose, by her initial reaction she had no idea she had the same ring. You told her it was ok. I can understand if she can be difficult in many cases, but in this instance, you put her in a bad spot.

I suppose if you're absolutely adamant about not having the same ring as your MIL, you and your fiance can go to your jewelry store and see if they'll do an exchange of some sort, but don't bank on it. Maybe you'll luck out and have the nicest, most understanding jeweler in the world, but unfortunately, it will probably cost a lot of money to get you a different ring - prices fluctuate, rings get damage from use, and returned jewelry has less market value. Jewelers can't just take all that on, and so you will end up paying for it.

Or you could make the ring all your own by the wedding band you choose to pair with it when you get married. With a unique wedding band, no one would ever know that you and MIL have the same engagement ring. If you solder your wedding band and engagement band together, it's like one big ring that's all your own. Maybe this is a better option?

**stressed** · 07-26-2011 05:39 AM

Try to ignore it. She probably has her own problems and issues, if a ring makes her a bit happier then so be it. I don't think she did it out of spite. Try to be the better person here and let her off. You have a long and bright future ahead of you to look forward to and gain happiness from, what does she have?

**MinnieGem** · 07-26-2011 07:28 AM

i was in the same situation with my ex mind you it wasnt over a ring it was the fact she was a control freak and things had to be done her way, we got engaged and i started to plan the wedding well....she said nope the wedding is being held here, your wearing this kind of dress, you are inviting these people the food is gonna be like this and i said whoa wait a minute this is my day not yours, shes like i dont care your marrying my son and its gonna be done my way....needless to say i left and broke off the engagement as i was not marrying into a control freak family like that, and all cuz of it they took my son too so now they have primary residence and i get every other weekend, be careful when it comes to a controlling MIL

**stressed** · 07-26-2011 11:34 AM

My ex mother-in-law-to-be had compared our engagement ring to her son's previous engagement ring on our engagement day (a ring she never took off by the way). It really annoyed me but I didn't say anything, even if she said that the one we had now was a lot better (and I had paid for it since her son couldn't afford any rings whatsoever). I don't understand why mother in laws act like they do. I never had any serious issues with her but I'm glad I'm not with her son anymore, it wouldn't turn out well with her in the future.

Mother in laws tend to be over-protective of their sons in several layers.

**JoeyB** · 07-27-2011 05:29 PM

I feel incredibly bad for you but also cannot entirely take your side either. On the one hand, the MIL should have immediately returned her ring. That would be common sense. You also should have told her to return it when she offered. Couple of things, one, if she is truly controlling, either back out of getting married OR, set her straight as to who is boss. Take it from a guy who has dealt with one of the most wicked and evil MIL's ever. Secondly, look at yourself and make sure you are not being petty. I say that as a person who has been married a long time. If cannot handle this issue, just wait till your married a few years. Marriage takes two MATURE people to succeed.

**Little** · 07-27-2011 08:06 PM

"Set her straight as to who's boss?" What is she, a dog? Sheesh!

As KM pointed out, 8 months is a ridiculous amount of time. Though it seems like a humongous deal now, one day you will be married and that ring's not going to be so important. How many times have you noticed someone's ring and then remembered it enough to compare it to anyone else's? I've never done it. "Nice ring, it's gorgeous!" I may have noticed that a lot of people have been getting princess-cut rings lately, but that's the end of it. I certainly wouldn't notice (or care!) if somebody's ring was the same as their MIL's.
Maybe she does other crazy things, but maybe her "crazy" is just as human as what you described here?

I feel bad for anybody bashing their MIL here - yes, there are legitimately crazy moms out there, but one day you might have a son. You'll raise him up and hope for the best for him, you will have invested years into the human being that he is. Yes, you'll have to let go as he becomes an adult, but if you think your son is making the wrong choice, why not bring it up? It's not evil, it's sensible. And if the potential daughter-in-law can't get along with the woman who raised the fiancé, what business does she have marrying him?

**Audy09** · 07-29-2011 08:43 PM

Well as for the 8 months, I'm the kind of person who holds their feelings in. It took a lot of courage to even tell my fiancé. I guess you would have to know her personally. As for "bashing" her, it's the simple fact that she could have at least apologized to me for everything. That's all I really wanted. I tried to be the adult in this situation and go to her to mend what is becoming a broken relationship and she just couldn't fathom why I was upset. A month after someone gets engaged? Really?? She should have taken it back, yes I should have said something sooner but at 19 it's hard to act 25 and be the better person. I wouldn't feel so bad if she treated me as well as her other sons fiancé but that just goes to show you how women can be. I mean this isn't really how you bond with your future daughter in law.

**Audy09** · 07-29-2011 08:54 PM

I'm a very observant person. I always have been. I pay attention to even the minor things like when someone gets their hair trimmed so I guess i figured she would think the same way as I do. Working at Starbucks and remembering 200 regulars drinks to the T really helps also. I just thought she would upgrade to something more vintage looking. Crazy isn't even the word to describe her or this situation. More ludacris. No family is perfect I know that. But she really has not even tried to make an effort to get to know me.
As a person. And i did used to have a wonderful relationship with her. But this has changed us and me as a person. If I could go back in time and change what I have created I would. This is the last thing I ever wanted.

**JoeyB** · 07-30-2011 06:02 AM

[QUOTE=Little;284598]"Set her straight as to who's boss?" What is she, a dog? Sheesh!QUOTE]

I didn't mean it that way. What I meant was, if she has such a srong personalty as described, yea, set her straight. I happen to subscribe to the belief that people are like dogs. Give them as inch, they'll take a mile. Life if full of reprocussions. Being an evil MIL demands an equal reaction.