Thread: We've all heard this one before, he wants to sleep with other women

Welcome to WH!! We're not here to judge you. We're here to provide support and help. The disclaimer for that is that sometimes our advice may not be what you necessarily want to hear but we are a very honest group of women (and men!) and believe that honesty is more helpful than any sugar coating we could do. So here goes:

There are couples that have open relationships. This set up apparently "works" for a select few because that's what people say, but I have truly never met a couple that survived it. I have, however, met many who believed their relationship was the kind that could survive it, then later things turned upside down, totally backfired, and ended up ruining the relationship. I would worry less about what is normal, and more about what your gut is telling you. What is your gut instinct telling you?

Look deep within yourself....and imagine him, the man you love, with another female, imagine their bodies meshed together, the heat, the passion, the intimacy, imaging him tasting her, imagine what positions they might use, imagine what her body looks like naked.........will he choose someone like you or will she have a firmer toosh and bigger breasts? Imagine her legs wrapped around him. Imagine what he might say to her. Imagine what she might say to him. Imagine the moment right after climax in which they are looking into each others eyes.

Now, I say that not to upset you, but to paint a picture. If you paint that picture in your mind and it doesn't bother you, won't cause jealousy issues for you, won't cause you to feel like he's thinking of them when he's with you, etc.......... then perhaps it's something to consider. He needs to do the same, paint the same picture in his mind and decide how that makes him feel. What people SAY and what is reality is often very different. You hear alot of people say "Well, I thought I wouldn't care but it turns out I do......".

Me personally, I could never do this. Painting that picture in my own mind makes me angry...makes my heart hurt...so I know that it's just not something I could do.

No offense, but you don't sound stable enough to even begin to think of opening a door that can never be closed.

I don't mean mentally stable, I mean stable in your relationship...either one of you.

Seems like there are many other things you might be able to do to increase the 'excitement' of sex between you.

Have either of you ever visited a swingers club? or resort? My SO and I have and while we didn't 'share' each other with anyone else, there was something about sharing acts of intimacy in front of others that was exciting...

Perhaps you can explore other or unique ways of putting some excitement into your intimacy.

my husband of 2 years (together 9) is identical. Literally, everything you said is identical, well mostly. The only difference is that he wanted a threesome. He doesn't want other chicks, he wants me with other people, even men! It's a hard thing to imagine for me, but for a while we went to these swingers clubs.. they were fun. We only were with each other, and even though we got an offer once, I shut it down. I realized I wasn't comfortable. We didn't go back.
Now, we have realized just due to a recent event that neither of us really were as open as we shoudl have been with the other. I do not judge you at all, and if someone said this stuff to me a year ago, I woudl have said that we trust each other totally, and I can imagine having an open relationship or swinging - but until you're there, in the club or standing there with a guy, you'll never know if you can or not. You'll know if you should do this or if it will hurt your relationship. I'm glad we never did - because we had issues I didn't know we had. Trust your instincts... they are the only thing that can really give you answers.
Good luck.

Welcome to the forum.

Open relationships work for some couples, but I think they are a disaster for most. (this is in no way a moral judgment - just what I've observed).

I don't think he is being unreasonable by asking. I don't think you are being unreasonable by saying no. It seems that sex means something different to each of you.

So, what to do: You need to decide if you could be happy in a relationship where he is sleeping with other women. From what you have said, I think the answer is probably no, but you should think about it carefully. If the answer is no, then you need to tell him, and he needs to think about whether he can be happy in a relationship where he only has sex with you. Again he should think about it carefully. If he answer is no, then all you can do is to part on friendly terms.

I don't think there is any right or wrong - different people want different things from relationships. What you want is much more common - but that doesn't matter. If you can both be happy with the agreement then you should stay together. If one of you will be unhappy with either decision then you should break up.

You both got together young and this could mean that he hadn't enough time to sew his oats as it were.
It doesnt sound like you are suited to that type of relationship either. Even if he stands back from the idea now he might well revisit the idea in 10 or 20 years time.
It sounds like he is not a strong bonding person as well.

Of course every guy in the world wants to sleep around but still have that base relationship to come back to. As others have said, open relationships don't work. If he is asking for this now, unless you cave, he will more than likely be chaeting on you 20 years down the road. Dump him.