Husband is drunk

**chaya** · 08-01-2011 02:10 AM

My husband came home drunk tonight. He went to a retirement party for a fellow worker and everyone was drinking. He was like a different person when he came in the house, he grabbed my butt and twisted me around and was kissing me. He was reeking from beer. He was acting like he was going to take me to the couch so I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom. After a while he knocked on the door and said he was sorry if he scared me. He wanted me to come out and give him a kiss. He insisted that I come out so I couldn't refuse, when I came out he wanted to have sex. It took a long time and he was rough, he fell asleep right after.

He is still sleeping, I'm kind of worried how he will act when he wakes up. If he wakes up soon he might still be drunk. I can't decide if I should act like nothing happened or tell him how I really feel and how much he hurt me, both physically and mentally.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-01-2011 03:15 AM

Chaya,

When you marry someone after 6 months of meeting them you don't know them really... To know someone takes alot of time.

Your husband, well, it's okay to go out and have a drink and it's now in your knowledge given he hasn't done so in what 10 months that he is more aggressive, alcohol does different things to different people...

It may even be that he doesn't even remember...But he didn't physcially abuse you just was rough and you have stated in another thread, white man, larger, you smaller, it can hurt...anyway.

So given he drank you have a choice to stay behind the bedroom door and tell him the next day, smiling, so you had a good time? No way was I coming out...You didn't and so now you know that when he drinks he may be a bit rough, so now you know to keep to yourself he would understand why.... He just had too much to drink...It happens.

**stressed** · 08-01-2011 06:03 AM

I may ask questions you've answered in previous posts, but:

1. Have you seen him drunk before?
2. Has he drank at home in the past?
3. Is he violent?

I haven't read any other posts about your husband, but your post in isolation from any background doesn't explain why you ran and locked yourself in the bathroom because of his sexual advance (to run and lock yourself in the bathroom to hide from him makes it sound like you must have been really scared of him).

I'd like to know why you feel physically and mentally hurt. Do you feel used? That your husband degraded you?

Maybe I should read your other posts to understand your situation better.

**jns** · 08-01-2011 07:34 AM

chaya, he will probably either be contrite or he will ask you what he did when he got home. I take it you didn't get any pleasure out of the sex since he was demanding and rough. Did he continually hit your cervix? You should tell him how things felt for you. I'm sure he doesn't understand what he did, but if he were to do the same thing in the future, I would say he didn't care.

The alcohol lessens inhibitions, but also anesthetizes, so he had less sensation and thus took longer for him to climax.

**chaya** · 08-01-2011 11:13 AM

I've never seen him drunk before, the most I've seen him drink was one glass of wine or a beer that he didn't even finish. He knows how I feel about drinking and that it's against my religion. It was a big surprise for me to see him drunk.

I know it is my duty as his wife to have sex with him when he wants it but last night was not good for me. He was rough and I was not wet like I usually am. It just plain hurt and I'm still am sore from it. I couldn't face him this morning, I fixed him a ham and egg sandwich and a pot of coffee and went out on the lanai. He came down and said good morning, I could only say hello. I was afraid I would completely break down if I tried to talk to him. He had 2 cups of coffee and a bite of sandwich and said he had to go to work and we could talk about it when he gets home.

I have all day to meditate and think about it to try and prepare myself to talk to him. I fear this might change our lives forever.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-01-2011 12:01 PM

Sorry chaya, but I feel like you're overreacting to this. You're always talking about how inhibited your husband is, how uptight, shy and modest he is. It sounds like he relaxed a bit last night and had too much to drink. It's one time in the whole time you've known him. You certainly always have every right to say NO to sex anytime you don't want it. You cannot lay back and let yourself be hurt, not say anything and then let it ruin your marriage. From my experience, guys are often a little rougher when they are drunk because they "think" they want it, but they often have a hard time reaching climax when drunk.

I think you know your husband isn't an animal. I think you know he has historically taken care of you physically, nurtured you when you're ill, and it's not characteristic of him to be rough (even though you've indicated at times you wish he were more so...). No man should ever hurt you. But you are equally responsible for saying no when you mean no.

Talk to him about it, yes. Get it off your chest. But if something like this ruins your marriage, then I'd speculate you were looking for something anyway.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-01-2011 02:20 PM

Chaya I just want to ad, that if, sub-consciously this has bought any bad memories up, then 1) that is not his fault, as it wasn't meant to hurt you and 2) please get councelling because you can not bring your past into your present.

And, you both have different religions you knew that when you married him, you can not be mad either that he did something that you don't believe in that is against your religion... He is not of your religion and I am sure when he married you he did not vow "never to drink" as part of those vows... He's done well to just have one night out in all this time don't you think?

**chaya** · 08-01-2011 03:13 PM

Everyone thinks I over reacted and they are probably right. I wasn't prepared for his being drunk and aggressive. When he was holding me and dragging me across the room toward the couch, I might have related that to bad memories from the past. When I had my chance I ran away and hid. Normally I would have welcomed aggressive sexual behavior from him but his being drunk and smelling of alcohol turned me off. I wasn't aroused when we had sex, I wasn't wet. That and his repeatedly pounding my cervix plus it took so long, caused me a lot of pain. Maybe I should have told him to stop but I didn't and I paid the price. I have been spotting a few drops of bright red blood all day.

It will be hard to face him and talk to him when he gets home. I don't know what to say other than apologize for getting mad at him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-01-2011 03:21 PM

Apologise for getting mad at him? All you did was say hello and then ignore him.. Are you not allowed to be yourself? Go with a moment what ever that moment is?

And like I said he is not of your faith so he can drink, but what you may like to point out in saying "glad you had a great time and warn me next time you want to get rough, " is " For what ever reason, maybe because you have never been this way before, it scared me, I didnt therefore get wet, didn't enjoy it and it actually therefore hurt and I'm spotting now, way rough hun"... So that he is aware that it's "okay" he had rough sex with his wife, wasn't trying to hurt her, but oh I did that sorry hun, type feeling not guilt.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-01-2011 03:23 PM

I don't think you owe him an apology. A discussion with him does not mean an apology is necessary. He needs to understand that given your past, when a man handles you in that manner while drunk it makes you feel violated and disregarded and it's also a perfect opportunity to tell him that when he's NOT intoxicated, you would welcome sex that is a little more wild.

It is perfectly normal to get mad at your husband sometimes. They key is loving strongly enough to be willing to talk it out and move forward.