Emotional Affair or am I overreacting?

**elenor19** · 08-14-2011 11:38 PM

I am sorry for such a long post. Just wanted to put out my confusion/frustration and get some advice. Early last year I found out that my husband of 20 years was emotionally involved with a married co-worker. He admitted to having a temporary crush on her, but assured me that it was over. I know that my husband has continued to be friends with the women I mentioned before, which was okay with me. Around March he himself came and told me that he confessed to the women that he had had a crush on her but now he is past it and he would like to just continue to good friends. That confused me. Why bring it up at all, if he is past it? Apparently it was to "make the matters end from his side". Whenever he is town on a weekday (quite rare), he has been rushing off to office at times with some sudden excuses...now I find that it is to be able to see her...based on her work schedule. He could have just told me that he was going to office to meet her, instead of some lame excuses. Finally I got desperate and peeped into his skype chats with her (which are numerous) and in the last one he was begging her to give him some face-to-face time, at any terms that worked for her. The chats are peppered with all the phrases of gentle endearment that uses for me! Am I overreacting, being too possessive or jealous if the relationship is not physical?
I am really hurt because of the dishonesty involved here, esp. from a man who puts open communication and honesty above all things! Also, at this point, it is not about the woman, but him. One thing I gathered while perusing the chats is that for last few months the woman says she has something to talk to him, but it has to be face to face. My husband is 90% of the time on travel. Those rare weekday when he is in town, he is doing his sudden rushing off to office based on her sms, and the face to face meeting still seems to be pending!
I am certainly going to have a talk with him when he gets back in town. Drastic steps as separating I am unwilling to consider, since that will seriously disrupt the lives of our two children, but this strange subterfuge/undercurrent is creating mental havoc for me. I know one of his answers already, she is just someone he "cares deeply about" (said it to her several times in the chats over last few months) and is trying to be there for her in her personal difficulties. Even if I am to blindly accept that, why the secrecy? Why not just tell me that he is off to meet her at the office?
In fact what makes it so confusing is that our relationship is great to all appearence. We joke around, don't have big arguements, have sex often... He repeatedly thanks me for being a part of his life, how much I mean to him, etc. He does say quite often that -- I am too negative minded (glass half empty kind...) and need to start being more positive.-- I am trying to be positive, cheerful, etc. but with this constantly on my mind, it gets hard. I am not the prying kind, and it is already weighing on me that I sneaked into his skype. Not sure what prompted me to do that suddenly??

**Mes T** · 08-14-2011 11:49 PM

Oh boy. I see tons of red flags here. None of this seems okay to me. I would consider going on a "break" from your husband, or counseling, or something. Because it sounds to me like this emotional affair is continuing, and he keeps at it because he knows he CAN, that you'll still be by his side, doubting yourself and your own paranoia rather than holding him accountable for his actions.

That's my take on the situation, anyway.

**elenor19** · 08-15-2011 12:37 AM

Thank you Mes T. At this point, I am ready to do whatever is necessary...to the extent of as you say, taking a "break", though as the last option. My problem is that even if he promises to completely break it off, swears to it...how am I going to trust him again? It doesn't make it any easier.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-15-2011 04:57 AM

http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...tml#post202194

I think that it's important for people to also read this post of yours.

You know we are darned if we do and we are darned if we don't.. You allow him to be himself, give yourself, be there for him and usually I would say well what's missing? But I can't on this occasion see anything?

I see a man who says she lets me fantasize, she is okay with it... And he takes advantage of it...

He fell in lust and went for the kill when he established she was having difficulties.

What are you going to do about it?

What is apparent is that you are a good wife, a good woman, you have given someone an inch and they have taken a yard..

Unless he fears a loss? And realisation that he used a good intention for his own gain? You will be walked over...

Shame on him he had all he wanted and needed, yet wanted more

**elenor19** · 08-15-2011 08:28 AM

Thanks for your post Chandlers Wish. The fact is once around Feb. when I confronted him, he made it sound like my fault. I was so angry I was getting ready to walk out right then. He then ended up becoming ill. Said later he had never seen or imagined me to so angry. He literally begged me on his knees to forgive him, and he was sorry for putting me thru it. I believed that he was really sorry. And then he tells me in around May that he has gone and told her about his "once upon a time" crush, to supposedly end it from his side, And now this! We are at point that he is moving to a new job, and we are supposed to be moving to a different country in mater of weeks. And he is writing to her that he will delay his move to meet her convenience to make that face to face meeting happen! I just don't know what to believe any more.

**Crystalblue** · 08-15-2011 09:23 AM

There is no way I'd move out of the country with a person who had done this to me. A move like that would need trust. This guy need a major wake up call!

**elenor19** · 08-15-2011 09:33 AM

All these extra dimensions are what makes it so difficult! I just can't trust anything he says anymore, how sincere he sounds!!

**MamaMicah** · 08-15-2011 10:50 AM

1. In his mind, there is this 100%. You represent 80% and she represents 20%. My concern is that he's mot realizing how valuable 80% is over 20%. It's truly a no brainer, but he seems bored about something at home, selfish, or both.

2. You should not have to CONVINCE him of anything about you and he needs to know that. Let him know that you would rather be ALONE than to play second to ANY woman when he vowed that you and your wishes desires and love would always come first.

3. He is charged to love honor and respect you as his wife. If you wish that he does NOT have communication with this woman anymore- it is your right to have that wish granted.

4. Him not speaking to her anymore will not change the fact that there was a void there in the first place to make him stray. Whether the void is solely with HIM or something brewing between the two of you "not allowing him" to speak to another woman is merely a patch. There needs to be some pulling up of the big girl boots and bracing yourself for some harsh reality. What is it REALLY that she fulfills that you do not? Is it a fulfillment or is it a greedy addition?

5. I do not believe in divorce, and it sounds like you don't either. I gather this from your writing, but he's been with you for 20 years. What I'm saying is, he's taking advantage of "old faithful" because for whatever reason (be it truth or appearance) he believes you need him to breathe. Youtube Betty Wright's "Clean Up Woman" and you'll see where I'm going with this. You spent 20 years at least being his woman. Do NOT throw that away because he's an idiot right now. Marriage is forever. I'm sure you've been the idiot once or twice too. Marriage is working through some things. EVEN THIS.

-------- With all that said, my suggestion is that you calmly, quietly, without tears, hurtful words, or irrationalities let him know that you love him, but you won't be his afterthought. Tell him you'll be ready to listen when he's ready to be completely truthful about his relationship with this woman and not a second sooner. Let him know that in the mean time you'll be weighing your options for divorce vs separation including but not limited to speaking to a divorce lawyer. Ask him if he'd be ok without you in the new country. Do not flinch, smile, or cry. Be pleasant, but be tough as nails. Wear your womanly poker face and be totally confident. Then, leave and take care of your daily errands. Buy something really expensive that you can afford but you'd rather let him pay for. When he calls throughout the day, don't answer your phone. Go and get your hair and makeup done, get a mani and pedi - on him. Buy a new pair of shoes, get the car washed, oil changed, fix something in the house that needed to be fixed.... Then tell him to meet you at a very fancy restaurant wearing your best dress. Subtly flirt with the maitre d, don't allow him to pay for dinner. --- TALK. About everything EXCEPT HER.

Believe me. You will not regret one minute of all this and he will wonder "what the heck?" and finally WANT to be honest about things. I said to do all that because you're showing a few things. One, you're sexy, can thrive on your own, he's GREAT to have around, but not exactly NEEDED (even if you need him) -- and most importantly, that you're able to handle nonsense without falling all over him and yourself. That new found confidence will utterly confuse and turn him on. Take charge of your marriage.

**jns** · 08-15-2011 10:59 AM

My answer is on your other thread about the same subject: Husband having emotional affair? http://www.womens-health.com/boards/...tml#post202194

**Crystalblue** · 08-15-2011 12:15 PM

1. In his mind, there is this 100%. You represent 80% and she represents 20%. My concern is that he's mot realizing how valuable 80% is over 20%. It's truly a no brainer, but he seems bored about something at home, selfish, or both.

2. You should not have to CONVINCE him of anything about you and he needs to know that. Let him know that you would rather be ALONE than to play second to ANY woman when he vowed that you and your wishes desires and love would always come first.

3. He is charged to love honor and respect you as his wife. If you wish that he does NOT have communication with this woman anymore- it is your right to have that wish granted.

4. Him not speaking to her anymore will not change the fact that there was a void there in the first place to make him stray. Whether the void is solely with HIM or something brewing between the two of you "not allowing him" to speak to another woman is merely a patch. There needs to be some pulling up of the big girl boots and bracing yourself for some harsh reality. What is it REALLY that she fulfills that you do not? Is it a fulfillment or is it a greedy addition?

5. I do not believe in divorce, and it sounds like you don't either. I gather this from your writing, but he's been with you for 20 years. What I'm saying is, he's taking advantage of "old faithful" because for whatever reason (be it truth or appearance) he believes you need him to breathe. Youtube Betty Wright's "Clean Up Woman" and you'll see where I'm going with this. You spent 20 years at least being his woman. Do NOT throw that away because he's an idiot right now. Marriage is forever. I'm sure you've been the idiot once or twice too. Marriage is working through some things. EVEN THIS.

-------- With all that said, my suggestion is that you calmly, quietly, without tears, hurtful words, or irrationalities let him know that you love him, but you won't be his afterthought. Tell him you'll be ready to listen when he's ready to be completely truthful about his relationship with this woman and not a second sooner. Let him know that in the mean time you'll be weighing your options for divorce vs separation including but not limited to speaking to a divorce lawyer. Ask him if he'd be ok without you in the new country. Do not flinch, smile, or cry. Be pleasant, but be tough as nails. Wear your womanly poker face and be totally confident. Then, leave and take care of your daily errands. Buy something really expensive that you can afford but you'd rather let him pay for. When he calls throughout the day, don't answer your phone. Go and get your hair and makeup done, get a mani and pedi - on him. Buy a new pair of shoes, get the car washed, oil changed, fix something in the house that needed to be fixed.... Then tell him to meet you at a very fancy restaurant wearing your best dress. Subtly flirt with the maitre d, don't allow him to pay for dinner. --- TALK. About everything EXCEPT HER.

Believe me. You will not regret one minute of all this and he will wonder "what the heck?" and finally WANT to be honest about things. I said to do all that because you're showing a few things. One, you're sexy, can thrive on your own, he's GREAT to have around, but not exactly NEEDED (even if you need him) -- and most importantly, that you're able to handle nonsense without falling all over him and yourself. That new found confidence will utterly confuse and turn him on. Take charge of your marriage.

I love it!