My Debt (sorry it's long)

**beaver-mom** · 08-19-2011 07:41 PM

Let me start by filling you in on the past a little. I have divorced for 9 years after a 20 year marriage to an alcoholic, abusing at times too. My husband has been divorced 10 years after a 6 year marriage, because she met someone on the net and started having an affair. We have been married 7 years. Those first few years of dating and marriage were wonderful, he was my very best friend. Like always the honeymoon ended, and real life started. We have not joined our funds, My choice because of the first marriage. Last year I started a new business it is going wonderful, more then pays for itself,and I have also kept my job of 17 years just cutting my hours there. My daughter started collage last year and that is where the trouble stated!

I have been trying to pay for her collage and books, she pays what she can, her dad will not help, just started getting thing together with my att. to change that. But I have put allot of that collage stuff on my cards. Now I am struggling to make the payments.

Now remember no joint funds, I pay mine he pays his! I finally called the bank today she wants to help me and has come up with a plan. But I need colatrial (sp) and wanted to use my van. When I told hubby my plan, lets just say it wasn't pretty. I heard "the van I paid for" "why would you want to do that" when I try to explain intrest rates ect and my banker plans (I could be out of debt in less then 3 years) he wouldn't listen. We want to buy this land in 3 years and build a house, right now it will NEVER happen and I tried to explain that too.
I have been loosing sleep some nights it's only 3 hours, I'm not myself. I just sit here in a daze most of the time. And it really just made me sick to my stomach just to bring myself to talk to my banker. Tonight I am just in tears, thank god the hubby is working and the kids are gone.
Please help me either see it from his side or how to handle this I am at a lost right now!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-19-2011 08:24 PM

I think there are some pros to seperate finances, but by that I mean, you have your checking acct and he has his. I do NOT think that means that you never help each other out financially. He's been burned in the past and I'm sure he feels much like you do, and thinks "she wants to use something I paid for as collateral....what if she doesn't pay and then they take my van?" With that said, what kind of marriage has no trust?

College is expensive. Does she not qualify for any financial aid? Is she working part time?

What exactly is this "plan" your banker has worked out for you? Perhaps he's skeptical of the plan. I'm often skeptical of those plans too...simply because at one time I was the one offering those plans.

Some are great, but some are total ripoffs aimed at people who are struggling to get by each month.

Tell me more.

Aside from that.....it's okay to be upset. Be this not sleeping and letting yourself get into a total funk is not going to be productive for you in any way. You won't think clearly, you won't be on your toes, you'll get desperate. I believe you should give this a few days of cooling then sit down with hubby and tell him, very honestly, the predicament you're in. No crying, no pity party, just brutal honesty. "here is where I am. You are my partner, my husband and I need your help." It makes me wonder about him....as he KNOWS your daughters father isn't contributing at all, and he's not offering to pay a penny towards her college? The whole situation makes me feel like neither of you are really IN this marriage fully.

**beaver-mom** · 08-19-2011 08:48 PM

He has offered to help with collage, But I didn't want his help, the feeling this is my daughter "I" can do it. I have to learn to let go, Comming from the other marriage I lost a lot of myself and didn't want to do that ever again!
The plan that we came up with is I have my check from other job deposited (get paid every other week) into an account in my name at the bank,(because one pay check could make payment) and the other checks could be placed on princable. These ck would be perfect for this reason. When I'm slow at the busniess, I work more at the job.
And yes I often don't feel this is a 50/50 marriage, He is so quick to correct me, 2 weeks ago I posted something on facebook and yesterday he told me it was wrong, and it was something that was not worth even saying. I use to love that he never cut me down when we were with friends, now that's all he does. He says mean things to his daughter and when I try to tell him he get mad. To be honest I just keep my mouth shut and find myself closing up again. So I guess that is really just the tip of the iceberg. I am in a funk and I don't know where to turn?

**oxy-moron** · 08-20-2011 04:01 PM

Try going to the bank to get a business loan or an extended overdraft . You will have to draw up a business plan and show that you are going to grow the business but you may be able to use some of the money to help pay down part of your card debt. The success of this may be down to the type of business and assets but worth a try.
Also you need to get your daughter to get a part time job to help pay the debts that she has help to incur.
To some extent your actions in keeping your finances separate will help you to leave if needed but it will also make him less likely top feel like supporting you financially.
You can also look at selling some of your old unused stuff on ebay and use the money to paydown the principal on the card money.

If you want to boost the relationship try increasing the level of physical touch/ massage/sex and cuddling that is going on- even if you dont feel like it initially.

**jns** · 08-21-2011 06:42 PM

Originally Posted by beaver-mom

Last year I started a new business it is going wonderful, more then pays for itself,and I have also kept my job of 17 years just cutting my hours there. My daughter started collage last year and that is where the trouble stated!

I have been trying to pay for her collage and books, she pays what she can, her dad will not help, just started getting thing together with my att. to change that. But I have put allot of that collage stuff on my cards. Now I am struggling to make the payments.

Now remember no joint funds, I pay mine he pays his! I finally called the bank today she wants to help me and has come up with a plan. But I need colatrial (sp) and wanted to use my van. When I told hubby my plan, lets just say it wasn't pretty. I heard "the van I paid for" "why would you want to do that" when I try to explain intrest rates ect and my banker plans (I could be out of debt in less then 3 years) he wouldn't listen. We want to buy this land in 3 years and build a house, right now it will NEVER happen and I tried to explain that too.
I have been loosing sleep some nights it's only 3 hours, I'm not myself. I just sit here in a daze most of the time. And it really just made me sick to my stomach just to bring myself to talk to my banker. Tonight I am just in tears, thank god the hubby is working and the kids are gone.
Please help me either see it from his side or how to handle this I am at a lost right now!

College is expensive if the child is going to a private school or some public universities. Is your daughter responsible enough to see to her own education? She could take out loans, etc. to pay for the education and you could help her pay for those loans when she has to repay them. Make sure she is smart in what the terms are for those loans and that she doesn't do a lot of extra spending beyond what she absolutely needs. Could she go to a community college for the first couple years and then transfer to the better school for the last two?

Could she get a job to help out? Minimum wage is fine. At least she will pay for her miscellaneous expenses like going to the movies.

Is her relationship good with your husband? Could it be she is trying to get your husband to pay for her indirectly? How did she do in the transition to a family 7 years ago?

Your new business pays for itself - great. Does it pay you at least at the rate that your job of 17 years does? Does it also pay interest on the capital it took to start it or has that capital been payed back? Where did that capital come from?

You husband also had a divorce. Does he have to pay alimony and or child payments? If he did in the past, where did that money come from? Did he have to pay for the education of his own children without help? Does he make a lot more than you or is it the other way around or what? How did he end up paying for your van?

I think your best deal is going to be with your daughter taking out an educational loan or several of them. The payments are usually delayed until the education is complete. You can promise to help with the payments. Of course, your banker wants to get her hand in your purse if she can.