How to deal with an open relationship...

**OneConfusedGuy** · 08-21-2011 11:24 AM

Hi,

First time visitor, first time poster. This site came up as the second link in google search for the topic title, so I thought this might be a good place to start. I've never really written a post about such a topic before since this whole experience is very new, so my apologies for any wierd ramblings, but I am looking for some feminine opinions on the subject.

Just to give some background, I am 36 and a happily married man of 11 years; I've known my wife since 1993. We have one son who is almost 3 and are both satisified with our life, including our finances, our work, our hobbies, our home, each other and our son. I had two longish-term girlfriends before getting married, my wife had dozens of relations before we met. My wife has brought up the idea of open-relationships in the past, one - because we know many couples in open relationships who are happy, and two - because we grew up in the 90's and are very liberal minded... for the most part. I have always believed in manogamy, my wife, not so much, but regardless, I asked her to tell me if she ever finds anyone else, because I'd like to know so we can discuss the situation. We were driving home from vacation and she mentioned that she met a guy at work that she is attracted to. It was a 5 hour drive home with our son, so we had a lot of time to discuss the matter sporatically between entertaining the little man. My wife says that she loves me, wants to grow old me and celebrate many anniversaries together, but she is also getting her pre-pregnancy body back and is very hormonal, which she openly admits, and also admits this attraction might be a result of hormones. Question 1: I do not understand what that means - I asked her to explain how that can be and she got offended and the conversation turned negative. I am not one to tell anyone what to do, so I have told her that I accept how she's feeling and that she should talk with the guy at work to see if he feels the same way(he is also married with children).

To say the least, I feel absolutely crushed and confused and have no way of really talking with anyone about how I feel, aside from an akward phone call, since all my friends(who I could talk to about this) live out-of-state, and I don't feel comfortable talking about the situation with any family members, so...anonomous blog for the win.

I guess I'm really looking for other experiences of how people deal with an open relationship, as it would be one-sided since I have no desire to go outside of our marriage. If anyone has experienced this from my perspective, or knows anyone who has, I would greatly appreciate any insight. Other from that, any comments or feedback would greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for reading,
ocg

**jns** · 08-21-2011 11:55 AM

I think your wife is looking in the wrong place. There is a very good chance The guy at work is not in an open relationship, so your wife's relationship with him could cause problems in his marriage and then yours.

Since your wife was in dozens of relationships, she is probably able to keep a relationship light, so it can end as quickly as it started. Your not being comfortable with her being in another relationship should mean that she won't pursue it while still married.

Is there something missing in your relationship, as seen from her side? Hormones can make her want sex a lot more than in the past and also can make bonding easier. Does she get as much sex as she wants from you and is it exciting for her? Do you see to her having fun from sex?

**stressed** · 08-21-2011 03:06 PM

Firstly, you've told her this: "I asked her to tell me if she ever finds anyone else, because I'd like to know so we can discuss the situation."

So she tells you she's attracted to someone at work, believing you'll be able to discuss it with her. You, more or less, knew this could happen one day in your marriage. You just probably never expected it would actually happen.

You have the right to tell her what 'not' to do, because you married her, unless you made a deal/agreement that an open marriage would be okay for you (which kind of seems that you did, by what you've told her in the past).

I don't think hormones lead to this kind of behavior, maybe they make her more interested in sex, but it would be more 'reasonable' if she looked for more sex with you than someone at work (how long has he been working there for?).

You're obviously against open-marriage, if you were alright with it you wouldn't be here posting this, so you have to tell her how you feel. If she wants to grow old with you and spend the rest of her life with you then she must respect your feelings and not hurt you because of sex. Also, as jns asked, is she sexually happy with you?

**Little** · 08-21-2011 03:17 PM

It sounds like you're not interested in an open marriage at all. It's admirable that you'd want to allow your wife to do things that make her happy, but if those things would make you miserable, what's the point?

I doubt there are any "hormones" at play in your wife's attraction to another man. More likely, she's feeling sexier as the pounds melt away, and she wants to prove to herself that she can still attract men other than you. Which is fine on its own - but bringing it into the bedroom seems more than a little toxic.

Welcome to the board, and I hope you continue to share with us here. We are generally more able to help as a situation unfolds and we get more information and specifics

**OneConfusedGuy** · 08-21-2011 06:07 PM

jns, stressed and little, thank you for your replies. I'll try to sum up everything that you've posted in one post.

jns - you're right, I am not into open relationships, but I do want what will make her happy. She has not talked to the guy at work yet, and is not sure if the feeling is mutual, or if he is in an open relationship. There is something definitely missing in our relationship, and sex is that thing. Before we had our son, our sex life was great, but shortly after he was born, we started co-sleeping, to make breast feeding easy in the middle of the night. She does not get as much sex as she needs, and neither do I, since the co-sleeping continues to this day after almost 3 years. She was able to keep her relationships very light, to the point of turning a light on or off, I was never able to do this, with anything in my life, realtionships, interests, etc. We spend just about every minute we have with our son, aside from the few moments we can grab for ourselves to catch up on the day. She has several jobs, one being the job she goes to, and several others that allow her to work from home when I get home from work, so that leaves time for much else. It is a burden on the marriage at times, missing out on days, but our son is very happy, which we believe is worth the sacrifice.

stressed - you hit the nail on the head; I've been preparing for this moment, thinking that it could possibly come, wishing that it wouldn't, but now that it has, I find myself feeling very diffferently from how I thought I would feel. The discussion of the open relationship is very new, within the past 2 months or so, we never really talked about it previously, aside from the people we know that have an open relationship. When we do have sex, it is great, and I know we both enjoy it, but as I mentioned, it is few and far between.

little - I'm not sure of the point, as this is still a fresh experience for me. She knows how I am and feel, you said "More likely, she's feeling sexier as the pounds melt away, and she wants to prove to herself that she can still attract men other than you." that is pretty much to the point of what she's mentioned, but I do a lot to keep our relationship fresh and exciting, and tell her how much I love her as much as I can - "Which is fine on its own - but bringing it into the bedroom seems more than a little toxic." - I agree, but I am still in the mind set that I need to do what it will take to make her feel happy ...if possible.

To complicate matters, we don't employ a babysitter and we have only used my parents once for a night alone in 3 years(our 11 year anniversary); it always comes down to the benefit of our son. I will do anything to keep our relationship healthy, which is why I am entertaining this line of thought in the first place. I feel kind of like a school boy who is losing his girlfriend, and I'm trying to get beyond that point to a more mature level. To complicate matters more, I see myself as being emotionally immature, and am a mess when it comes to interpreting my emotions. I am also an atypical guy, so I've been told, since I have no interest in other women, I can hardly see how that is atypical if you love your, but as I mentioned, so I've been told. She's an Aquarius, I'm a Cancer, I don't buy into astrology, but she does, and I will say that she thinks about astrological signs once in awhile.

I hope this all makes sense, and thanks again for your replies, I'm just trying to work through my emotions through anonomous posts and per your replies, this certainly seems like the place to do so. Much appreciation to you 3.

~ocg

**Little** · 08-21-2011 06:58 PM

Wow, can I relate to the breastfeeding/bedsharing difficulty! Though it saves a woman a great deal of sleep in the beginning, there's a point where it's no longer conducive to the adult relationship. A 3yo no longer needs the calories that night feeds give, and his body has already learned how to regulate its breathing and other bodily functions at this point. I'm sure you probably have considered moving your son out of the bed. Does he have a toddler bed? If your wife is resistant to moving him out of the room, what about his own bed in your room?

The rest of your post reads like a man who's becoming a martyr. What does your wife sacrifice to make you happy? Why do you feel that you have to put yourself through gut-wrenching jealousy (I'm assuming, as I'd have gut-wrenching jealousy in your position) in order to make her happy? Does she know how much the idea of an open relationship really bothers you, deep down? Or have you kept that to yourself?

**OneConfusedGuy** · 08-21-2011 10:16 PM

Little,
We just got an air mattress for our bedroom to create the transition to his own bedroom, which we have been working on/tag teaming for several months; we finished the bedroom many months ago but have still not been able to make the transition to his own room. He is very attached to sleeping side by side with us; but he starts pre-school in two weeks so hopefully new horizons with new kids will foster big changes in him; imho, it is well beyond time he slept in his same bed.

Per sacrifice, she knows how it bothers me, and we have been talking a lot about the situation, but she thinks it's no big deal, a very small thing, like a new activity when it comes to sex with someone else, when I, on the other hand, have a much more old school, conservative mentality about sex. She believes it's nothing, just a get together, while I think it's a great deal more.

I don't know about martyr, it's more of a compromise, or an agreement we're trying to reach, where we both feel okay about it before anything happens, and she won't do anything until we have an agreement; I do trust her, and know I can trust her, I'm just trying to understand why this is such a big deal to me when it's such a small deal to so many people I know, and why I feel so hurt by her thinking of the notion. As I've laid out, you may be able to see reasons for why this is happening, I certainly understand why, so shouldn't I be more accepting of the situation?(that's more of a rhetorical question)

I'm just confused and rambling right now,
~ocg

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-21-2011 11:30 PM

Hopefully the idea of the open relationship isn't coming from a selfish point of view. Persuing a married man, says 'me, me, me'. If you both decide together to be in an open relationship, that is in no way an excuse to disrespect others' relationships or the fact they may be happy being monogomous. Of course this married man is responsible for his own actions, but why bark up THAT tree? Would she be okay with you seeing other people? Is that something you even desire?

You can be sexually open minded and progressive etc... and still not want to share your partner. That doesn't make you conservative, its a pretty normal way to feel. Don't force yourself to be open to something you aren't comfortable with to prove to yourself or her that you are so sexually forward-thinking. An open relationship isn't the epitomy of being sexually open, its just one particular avenue of it. There are many avenues couples can take to be sexually open that don't involve bringing in other people. You have to only do this for the right reasons and being organically open to it is really the only way it would be successful and not create resentment, jealousy etc.

If your love for each other is paramount to sex, that could mean sex with others won't destroy it... but if your love is paramount to sex, that should also mean sex with others isnt a requirement for happiness if either of you are uncomfortable with the notion.

**stressed** · 08-22-2011 02:41 AM

You shouldn't be more accepting if even the thought of it happening hurts you. The confusing part is that you show her different feelings than the ones you really feel. You told her she can do as she wants because you don't want to control her and she can easily believe that you meant it (i.e. why would you say something like that if you didn't?). Then you told her to accept her feelings and ask the guy if he feels the same (again, she can think "oh, what an open-minded guy").

Sure, you behave like a "very open-minded husband who's alright with his wife having sex with other men, as long as she always comes back", but is your marriage about proving how 'open-minded' and liberal you are to your wife, or about being yourself? You don't have to prove anything to her and you definitely don't have to let her have sex with another man to get a medal for being a husband who'd tolerate anything.

She might believe, and by what you've said it would be understandable that she'd believe it, that you're really okay with an open marriage, since you even encourage her to act on her feelings. But encouraging her to act on something that can harm both of you, let alone the married guy and your child, is not a sign of love. You don't have to let her do this to show her you love her, you're not controlling by expressing your pain to the thought.

Be honest with her.

Not having the bed to yourselves is an issue here and has to be solved.

**oxy-moron** · 08-22-2011 07:06 PM

The other posters are right in that you are not a good match for an open relationship whereas your wife might be.
Even she should be following some common sense rules though like "dont ----- the crew".
From the number of previous lovers you both had it sounds like you had different emotional/sexual values. It seems as though you want sex with a deeper bond where she is happy to have casual sex. A danger for you is that you could be become involved with someone you are having an affair with and could fall in love. You may never feel comfortable with the whole thing. Then there are also moral issues- she is trying to poach another persons partner and could lure him into something he hadnt even contemplated.

Having a child share the bed is something to avoid.

Try to buy some time with her while you have a chance to think it over.