ex wifes scars unsure of him???

**shickman** · 08-23-2011 10:04 AM

I am 32 yrs old and have a cronic illness that sometimes leaves me pretty sick some days, got divorced 4 years ago because( he could not deal with it) (his words) now I have started a relationship with a LONG term friend 10+ yrs. We have been seeing each other for 3yrs on and off-- off because of me!! I would get mad and stop talking. He is a great guy kind, mindfull of my illness and still loves me FOR ME!! He is 52 and been divorced for over 8 yrs kids all grown, I have no kids. Problem is he is very logical and has a tendency to use his past experiences with women to structure our emotional relationship. EXAMPLE he won't fight, says it is not healthy and lets TALK so I try and I get emotional and he doesn't very logical, kinda makes me feel like I don't matter enough for him to get upset, yet he wants to move in together and talking about marring me?? kinda confussed any advice from you all about dealing with the ghost of the exwife's scars left on my man and his heart

???

**WildChild** · 08-23-2011 10:51 AM

How does getting hyper emotional prove love?
Evolved humans have no need to get into "fights", they discuss, negotiate, agree to disagree but they don't have to have a knock down drag out to deal with what needs to be dealt with.
Perhaps someone else in this relationship is dealing with old expectations from childhood or past relationships?

**shickman** · 08-23-2011 12:07 PM

I never thought of it that way he always refers to the ex while they where married. He states the agree to disagree thing also. I just may have the "Old explectations from my marriage- we never fought in 7 yrs and in a matter of a week he was calling it quits. I am not stupid there was another women I didn't know about.However it made me ??? if i had paid better attention and "cared" more for the ex if he would not have left. I was in complete bliss with my little family and had no idea there was a problem with my marrage. I truly care for my guy now he is soooo much different from my ex I almost felt like his mom/ with my guy now he is very sure of himself what he wants and needs and I guess I just don't want to make mistakes again. I just wish I could feel OK with him but am a little scared

**WildChild** · 08-23-2011 12:21 PM

Some people just aren't right for us to be in a long term relationship with. We keep learning and growing and that means change, when we grow in different directions, sometimes we cease to be a source of support and joy for each other. Then it is best to part company. Its hard when we were happy and the other person apparently wasn't. We wonder how we were so wrong, how we missed the cues, what we did or didn't do. It's good to look at all of that because there may be things we need to work on.

Sometimes two good people just aren't really good for each other.
That happiness and bliss is still in you. You can learn to draw it to the surface for yourself and those around you without reference to a relationship. I had my heart broken a while back and also went from total bliss to deep pain. But I've grown through it and moved past it and am now grateful to have felt the depth and passion I did and to know that I have a great capacity for joy and it doesn't have to depend on who I'm with. The man I'm seeing now treats me with so much tenderness and care that I am quite happy with that and have the added comfort of knowing that I'm able to be happy and joyful all on own - just because I can.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-27-2011 06:15 PM

You know age does bring wisdom and I think it's good that he doesn't want to argue, rather "talk" things out.. That is what constitutes a relationship.

Talking perhaps is not what happened in your marriage

So now you have a chance to talk things through with this man and create a good relationship.

Don't be scared, he is standing next to you, not walking behind you.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-28-2011 11:37 AM

My boyfriend is extremely logical, I am extremely emotional. Me: feelings, Him: facts. So I do understand where you are coming from. He's never jealous, he's never insecure about our relationship, yet has told me he has been so in the past in other relationships but has learned it unhealthy. A lot like where you are coming from. Its not like I want a stark raving control freak, but it can feel sometimes like his blood doesn't run as warm for me as it did in previous relationships. He doesn't fight, he doesn't argue, and no, I don't try to provoke those emotions from him either. I am not a drama queen... I like a peaceful life too. But sometimes it can feel like there is a detachment from caring when nothing ruffles there feathers.

But I've come to the conclusion that we are just wired differently in that department. However, he doesn't try to change me. He doesn't tell me to not get emotional or sensitive... in fact he comforts me and respects the fact my feelings can sometimes explode out of nowhere and doesn't get annoyed with me. So I have learned to respect the fact that his feelings never explode, that he is calm and cool in any situation with me.

Maybe its better that way. If we were both emo-wrecks maybe we'd never get off the couch and just cry and hold each other all day lol. Maybe there is a balance, I think me and my bf are finding it. Where I am learning to be less reactionary and he's learning to give me reaction when I need it most.

I don't think you have anything to worry about , what matters is that you both are happy and that you can find a respect for the way each other relates to your feelings.

**shickman** · 08-31-2011 07:43 PM

you have all helped me sooo much I now know that I am OK and WE are OK!!! You are all very kind to comment and post I will come back here often thank YOU all!!!!!!!!