BAR (pls read this post and PLS respond with your thoughts)

**bluejeans** · 08-25-2011 08:41 AM

This is new for me but I'm willing to give this forum a shot based off of what I have read so far. Who better than to get your information from than another married woman or one who is in a long term relationship.

A little bit about my background. I met my husband at work in 1999. I was 20. He is 10 years older than me. At the time we met he just got out of a 6 year relationship. They were supposed to get married but didn't. Next thing you know I'm pregnant. He didn't want me to keep the baby, but we did. During this time the relationship was rocky. He wouldn't speak to me, stopped eating my dinner the whole nine. When my daughter was born we moved in with family. Just packed up and left one day while he was at work. Long story short he didn't ask us to move back in. He said he needed space.

Fast forward a few years we got back together. There was a lot of back and forth. I'd move in and move out, move in and move out. It was frustrating to say the least. He has never been an affectionate romantic person. Sex was always good though. During this time he started spending a lot of time at the neighborhood bar and grill. (Think in terms of the bar at Fridays or a similar restaurant). He has been going to this bar FOR YEARS now, at least 8. It's 4-5 sometimes 6 days out of the week. If he's not home, he is there. He doesn't go to night clubs or strip clubs. I have "popped up" on a few occasions and he is there. He goes straight after work and averages coming home around 9-10:30 on a daily basis.

To make a long story short we were to get married in 2007 and a few months before the wedding I cancelled it and moved out. We got back together a year later and I figured he had changed. He said he wanted his family, the bar and his friends were not important. We got married. We just had a son who is turning two in March. He continues to frequent this bar. When football season starts it's even worse. Monday night he goes, Tuesday goes, the weekends he'll go in the afternoon and come back late at night.

In addition if I do not schedule a "family day" or something of the sort, he will not do it. He has stopped going to church services with us. So the kids and I go on our own. He won't attend family functions if he's invited. When he's home he watches television. I've checked his phone recently and found naked pictures of women that his "bar buddies" send him. Most of these buddies are not married. They are in their 30s and are still "playing the field" I asked him why would he want to be around people like that and he says that he knows married people who cheat so what is the difference.
The other thing I've noticed is he does not initiate sex with me. If we do that it's because I ask for it.

I guess what I want to know is, why does he frequent this bar so much? I've met his "friends" and I do not like most of them. There is a girl bartender but I've met her too and she has a boyfriend and kids of her own. (Plus she is not a good looking woman). I checked his phone recently and there is a number that keeps showing up but there is no name assigned to it. I found out that it is a 'young woman'. However no other incriminating evidence was found suggesting that he's having an affair. We don't have any meaningful conversation, as I stated he is into the TV when he gets home. Does he having a drinking problem? I doubt it. On a few occasions I found him "drunk" but that's like twice a year.

I must admit he doesn't have all bad faults. He cooks us dinner pretty regularily because he enjoys doing that. He gets the kids ready for school and drops them off every morning. However simple things I'd like for him to do - he just won't do. This includes complementing me, attending church with us, having a family night. Telling me that he loves me. Spending some time with me or with us a family - on a regular basis. You see because he comes home late, the kids are in bed. At this point I will get some "hey how was your day, not bad" quick convo and that's it. He goes to bed. Repeat: WILL NOT ASK me about sex!

I am the average woman's size: 12. Down from my weight last summer which was a size 18 (still lot of baby weight). I dress pretty nice. I contribute to the bills (50/50). I take care of the kids. I work. I finished up school last year.

WHY DOES HE FREQUENT THIS BAR SO MUCH??? Please let me know your honest open thoughts based off the information I posted. I'd really appreciate it.

**Little** · 08-25-2011 09:00 AM

It sounds like he just doesn't want to be at home. And that he's living his life (or imagining that he is) as a single man.

The lack of sex may point to cheating, or it may not. But regardless of the answer, do you want to live out the rest of your life sexless? How often can he possibly cook dinner if he's away 5 nights out of 7?

He may be a better father to your son from outside the home. He would be forced to spend X number of hours per week or every other week on your son specifically, which would benefit them both in the long run. You deserve to be with a partner who is committed to the relationship and actually wants to spend time contributing to it.

Your husband is entitled to live his life the way HE wants - but he's not entitled to living it with you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-25-2011 11:23 AM

It's not the "BAR" causing the problem. It's the fact that your husband doesn't want to be a husband and a father. He doesn't want to spend time with his family. He doesn't plan family days, because he doesnt want them. He doesn't initiate sex because he doesn't want to have sex with you. Yes, that sounds awful, and first instinct is to ask yourself "why? what's wrong with me?" The answer is nothing. Your husband just doesn't want this lifestyle. Even though he thinks this is what he wants when you all split it, this is NOT what he wants and his actions are speaking volumes above anything he's said during a breakup. He has proven to you, what sounds like, time and time again that he is not husband material, he's not even father material.

He's got a wife at home to take care of his kids, to ensure they are well taken care of, who is putting up with him spending his life outside of work in a bar until bedtime. He's going through the minimal motions, at best. He's contributing financially to this relationship and that's pretty much it.

And that for you, is very sad........ but all the more reason to get your hiney out of this.

**mbgirl** · 08-25-2011 11:33 AM

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have any control over why he's not happy. Or is he? What does he say when you ask him?

**stressed** · 08-25-2011 05:34 PM

There has been a lot of moving in and out in your relationship, which is not a great basis for a strong family life. At some point, during this back and forth, he started going to this bar, where probably everybody told him what he wanted to hear, how not to worry about things, it kept his mind busy with anything but you and having a family. Made him feel 'fee' among single men. You canceled the wedding, moved out, got back together a year later because he might have started to feel lonely, maybe felt he was getting too old to find somebody else and start a new family with, so instead of living alone he made the decision to marry you and keep both the friends and the 'family to wait for him at home'.

On the other hand, whether he has changed or not and no matter who was to blame for this situation, this man must have it difficult to fully trust you because you've moved out on him so many times and have even canceled the wedding. To be honest with you, I don't think either of you is happy in this relationship and you both want out but don't know how to do it, or are both too afraid to do it. He escapes by going to the bar, you're not happy being at home, and the positive aspects you described have to do with the children, not you together as a couple. He can still cook once in a while, still pay 50% and still take the kids to school every day, but he doesn't have to stay with you if he isn't happy with you, because you don't seem to be happy with him either. You both deserve better in another partner.

**bluejeans** · 08-26-2011 07:10 AM

It was a hard and bitter pill to swallow but I agree with all the comments that were posted. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me your feedback. It is hard to break up because I have given him pretty much most of my youth. I can't get that time back. At the same time he's not setting a good example for our children. He has been out all of this week too, came home at 10:30 last night. This is really getting "old." Again, thank you for the comments, I really appreciate them.

BJ

**bluejeans** · 08-26-2011 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by mbgirl

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you have any control over why he's not happy. Or is he? What does he say when you ask him?

He doesn't say. He won't communicate with me. I think he still looks at me like I'm this naive 20 year old he met a long time ago.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-26-2011 07:21 AM

Thing is, you've left before. And he's well aware that in the past you've come back. He needs to understand this time when you leave, you're not coming back. In other words, if you leave, you need to mean it. It's not fair to the kids to back and forth it. Leave and live. You're a single mom anyway.