Thread: What to do if husband is addicted to porn?

Like every other addiction, there is nothing you can do...including convincing him to do anything.

He has to want to get help for himself.

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

I agree. My husband enjoys porn as well and as far as I know will never give it up. Your fighting a losing battle here.

Dear KM13,

I have been married more years than you have been alive and have battled with the very same thing you are going through right now for that length of time. I am now divorcing my husband not only because he chose sexual fantasy over me but also for his habitual selfish behavior in doing what he wants with disregard of the impact it has on his family.

That said, in retrospect there was a correlation between my husband's frequency in viewing pornographic sites and lack of sexual interest in me. This happened quite a few times. I have three children and have always had curves. I am 5'7" and have consistently worn a size six or eight. At one point I was trying so hard to be attractive to him, yearning for his attention and went down to a size 2 and 110 pounds. I am a woman not a teenage girl. I wouldn't even assume that possible. Yet, that has become my husband's fantasy. He is in his mid-fifties and the images of the girls he is pleasuring himself to look to be half the age of our 31 year old daughter. His choices to indulge his fantasies knowing full well just how much it hurt me was at the cost of our marriage.

I refuse to love a man who is unworthy of my love. He lied to me by telling me he wasn't going to those sites and went so far as to deny it when I confronted him about it. He became secretive by hiding his habit after telling me he would stop. He played mind games with me to project the blame onto me. He accused me of planting those sites on his computer history. He betrayed me because his desire for those women caused him to withdraw from me. At first it was just disinterest now he becomes flaccid if he even touches me. He refuses to go to therapy because he feels he has done nothing wrong. Yet, he is in favor of going to marriage counseling even though he confesses this will aways be his fantasy. Not good enough.

My fundamental aversion to his habit is based upon a history of being sexually molested as a child and adolescent girl. I would not state porn is wrong on generality alone but it isn't right in this house because both parties didn't mutually consent to it being okay. If it is mutually consented upon that is a different scenario. It wasn't and it was hurtful.

You have choices as does he. He enjoys pornography and chooses not to quit. You have made it clear to him that this is hurtful to you. He refuses to accept this as his problem because he isn't getting hurt over it, you are. Is that love on either side? Is it enough love for you? Is it okay with you to remain with a man who disregards your pain to indulge his own pleasures? Is that how he expresses his love for you? Is that enough for you? Take it from someone who has endured this for YEARS. Either you accept his indulgences or you won't. Those are your choices. If you wish to be at peace and choose to remain with this man, accept his sexual fantasies come as a part of the package. If you can't accept that and choose to remain with this man, accept a lifetime of hurt as long as you are with him. If that price is too high to pay then he it isn't worth staying with him.

I stayed for years and it nearly broke me. It cost me my self-esteem, a broken heart and lost years of my life. Now, I have a sense of tranquility I never knew before. I treasure this sense of peace I now have in my life. No more wondering why. No more suspicions. No more feelings of betrayal. No more feeling inadequate. No more hurt. No more lies. No more secrecy. No more mind games. Just peace. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here but it did and there is no going back. I said no more because I realized I had the power to stop the emotional abuse I had endured for years. My fantasy was to be enough for my husband. My reality was he wasn't enough for me. My new found reality is peace and tranquility is possible and impossible to embrace for as long as I accepted the emotional abuse that came along with being married to him.

I wish you well in whatever decision you make but know pursuit of your happiness is your journey to take not his. Recovery and recognition of an addiction is his journey to take not yours. Accepting reality of what is exceeds expectations of how things should be. Happiness comes when you embrace those truths and though painful at first even making those difficult decisions by accepting the hard truths is the first step in pursuit of happiness. Disappointment comes when you think you have the power to change the behavior of others who don't want to change.

Good luck,
Hurtwife

I personally like porn, probably more than my bf, but if it became like what you and hurtwife have described I would crack it bigtime! Why do women put up with so much . Put your foot down! Tell him it stops and he gets help or you go! Start packing a box of his stuff and throw it out the front. U have to show that you are serious! Get mad!!!!!

Elanor-Jane,

Sadly, here in America there is no legal protection for those who are emotionally abused. Domestic abuse is limited to physical assaults. So, if someone physically harms you there are legal consequences but no protection from being emotionally assaulted. And as far as throwing his stuff out... Here's another injustice. I did just that and when the police arrived I was told I had to bring my husband's belongings back in the house. It is his primary residence and he had every right to keep his belongings in my home and I had no right to remove them. So, I had to pay for his stuff to be stored in a climate controlled facility to get his stuff out of the house ($393.00 for three months). That was the price to get him out.

You can't kick someone out of the house if you are married to them. You have to essentially depend upon their generosity to willingly leave. And they are legally entitled to enter the home at will for so long as you are married. Divorce attorneys advice women not to vacate their home due to the risk of the court regarding that act as abandoning their dwelling thereby forfeiting possession of the property to the spouse. I know of 5 women who have had to endure anywhere between 1 - 3 years of going through a divorce while forced to co-habitate with the man they were divorcing. That situation just fuels the potential of violence. Furthermore, it is not emotionally healthy for children to be raised in such an environment. Sadly, that is the way it is. Eviction of a spouse and removal of his/her belongings is not possible until such time as one party has been physically assaulted. Oh yes, and if the assault transpires as a result of an argument it may be considered enticement of an aggressive act with no charges brought against the one who threw the blow.

That pretty much sums it up. Stay or leave but you can't force your spouse to do it.

Stinks huh?

Hurtwife

Thank you everyone for the advice. And I'm so sorry hurtwife. I don't think I could handle going through this for years like you've had to. I've realized it isn't going to ever get better. He won't admit he has a problem and I can't get him to stop. I even caught him again today. If he does it this much when I'm at home, I don't even want to know had bad it is when I leave the house.

km13,

I overlooked it because it was inconceivable for anyone who loved me to be so cruel to me. Everyone has a limit. Some people have less tolerance than others. But perhaps some have greater clarity in some areas of their lives than others. Who knows? Ultimately, the decision is yours alone to make because you alone are the one who has to live with the outcome of the decisions made. I would just advise you to weight it all out. He says he loves you but is that love enough for you? He knows it is hurting you but he places his needs above yours. Is that acceptable to you? It is not an issue about who is right and who is wrong. The issue is this... His decisions are hurting you. Are his indulgences worthy of your pain? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your marriage?

I stayed in this marriage because I overlooked indiscretions. I remained here because I had sick children who needed their mother while they were in the hospital. I am grateful for every moment I had with them. I was there when they came to this earth and I was there when they died. No mother could ask for more. My situation is extreme. The situation is different now. I have claimed the mantra "I would rather be alone than be lonely". I was lonely in my marriage, now I am alone but feel a sense of peace in my life I didn't know before.

The best advice I could give you is for YOU to seek counseling. You can't make him go to counseling anymore than you have been able to change him. You are hurt. I would even go so far as to say you are a victim of emotional abuse. Those who are abused often rebound into abusive relationships because they have issues of their own to deal with. I know it isn't easy. But ask yourself this... Are you in love with this man or are you in love with an illusion of who you believe this man to be? Does love hurt, dishonor, disrespect and betray? The love I know doesn't.

Forgiveness requires the person who his being forgiven to have a repentant heart. It also requires you to be willing to relent negative emotions such as suspicions and doubts. Remorse is not enough. Remorse may be limited to remorse for the hurt he caused you or remorse for getting caught but repentance is a totally different situation. The proof of repentance is loyalty to the promise. He doesn't go back because he gets it. The proof of relenting is letting it go without bringing it up again. Only then can reconciliation occur. If you have to go through this time and time again you are dealing with a pathological situation. It will worsen not improve. You alone have the capacity to decide.

Hurtwife