Do I have the right to feel this way? (very long)

**angercake** · 08-31-2011 11:53 PM

This is my first post and this is the first time I’ve told anyone abut this concern other than my husband. This is going to be long, so please bear with me.

A brief background. We’ve been married over two years. He is American. I am not and we’re not living in the USA although we’re going to move there within the year.

My husband is five years older than me. He is very loving, responsible, funny and smart. We have a very good relationship. It’s one of those things when you meet someone and you just click. I truly believe that he is my soulmate and we are meant to be. He believes the same thing.

Our relationship isn’t perfect however. One of the main causes of disagreements is my jealousy. I cannot explain why I get jealous. I have never been a jealous woman and I think this is because my self esteem nowadays is just so low. Since getting married I have gained 50 lbs, lost my job and basically just a bum. So basically I feel like .

The real purpose of this post is this: I am uncomfortable with my husband’s friendship with a 13-year-old girl.

Her name is Anne and she is our ward. She cleans our house and does minor chores in exchange for a home to live in, food and going to school. She also gets a monthly allowance from us. She is a good kid, quite shy, a little dyslexic which is why I believe going to school is important for her. Her family is very poor and we wanted to help her out so she can break the cycle of poverty and maybe get a good job when she gets older.

My husband liked her a lot. He thinks she is polite and has a good attitude. He spends a lot of time with her, watching movies in our bedroom, buying her little treats. He gives her attention, he says so she wouldn’t feel homesick and so that Anne would feel what it’s like to have a father. Her real father is a deadbeat who gambles, into drugs and beats her mother and her siblings.

I believe my husband when he says that what they have is a platonic friendship and he treats her like a daughter. I believe he will never do anything sexual or think of anything sexual with Anne. But here are some of the things that happened that makes me uncomfortable:

*According to him, he was in the kitchen one day when the bathroom door opened and Anne was just standing there naked. She seemed surprised to see him and he, was too. He just laughed it off because he knew it embarrassed him. Now, like Anne, I grew up in a big household and never have I ever gone out of the bathroom without a towel on or anything to cover myself at the risk of someone seeing me. This was probably an accident, an embarrassing moment but I still felt a little uncomfortable when he told me this.

*When we found out that Anne had lice, my husband took a shower with her to make sure she washes her hair with the medicated shampoo properly. They were dressed. Basically it was just washing hair in the shower. My reaction is really??? I don’t know...
*I had to go out of town for a few days and they were left in the house just the two of them. A few weeks after I’ve gone home my husband told me that they both fell asleep in our bed. They just slept.

At this point, I just ignore or don’t react because whenever I do my husband dismisses it as jealousy and maybe he is right. I have so many concerns. First of all, what if Anne sees into this too much? I mean, if your 13-year-old daughter tells you that she showered with 35-year-old man, wouldn’t you get the wrong impression? I just don’t understand how my husband can’t grasp how delicate this situation is. But he believes that without proof of abuse no one can file a lawsuit against him.

Secondly, do I have the right to feel this way? Sometimes I think I do but other times I don’t. I’m so confused now. My husband told me that once we’ve settled in the US, he wants to adopt her and bring her there to live with us because she’ll have a better future there. I don’t know... if this happens I might leave him. I can’t believe I am jealous of a 13-year-old!

Please talk some sense into me. Thank you for reading this long post.

**Mes T** · 09-01-2011 12:05 AM

Wow I'm not sure what to make of this. Either your husband genuinely sees her as a daughter, or....

Because she's not legally his daughter, I find it a bit creepy that he'd shampoo her hair and sleep in the same bed with her (ALONE). That's dangerous ground, right there. No matter what his intentions are, that can be perceived either way.

All this aside, would you be happy to legally adopt this girl down the line? Is that even possible, considering her father (and her mother I'm assuming) are still alive and are her legal guardians?

This kind of reminds me of Michael Jackson.

The whole world speculating what he was up to with the boys in his bedroom, but at the end of the day only he knew what his intentions were.

**angercake** · 09-01-2011 12:16 AM

Thanks for replying Mes T.

So I am not alone in thinking this is not... normal behavior right? I don't think my husband is interested in her sexually but all these things... make me so uncomfortable.

He wouldn't be able to adopt her as a divorced man so yes I would help him adopt her if he still wants to eventually. But I don't think I can live like this.

I told myself once we've moved to the US I'll wait and see if I feel any differently. But if I don't, then I don't know what else to do but get out of the marriage.

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-01-2011 03:41 AM

why is a ward cleaning your house? what counrty do u live in? i thought it was illegal for children to work in most countries, or is this just a set up you guys have made? it certainly cant be going through Govt. or charity aide.

so why is this child here? thats what i want to know. no normal American man past 1950, would let a 13 year girl clean his house for board as im pretty sure its illegal in the weatern world and much of the rest of the world. i know u think your helping her but this would be seen as exploitation in Australia AND America. theres a difference between a poor neighbours child doing some jobs for pocket money and a thirteen year old CHILD in your house with your husband who seems to be cropping up with her in all these odd situations.

i dont wish to be rude, but you need to wake up to yourself, your husband is a potential pedophile and unless you have taken this child on through some sort of govenment or non-government organisation with monitoring you are potentially breaking the law, she is a minor, and i would report the pair of you to the authorities if i were in your country.

good luck living in the USA, you cant employ 13 year wards to clean your house. and if she is actually a ward it means she would have been granted to you by the state and you two would be guardians....this is all very odd

**angercake** · 09-01-2011 06:29 AM

I know this will not fly in any progressive country. We're in Asia, a very poor country. I call her a ward because her parents entrusted her to us. With us she has her own room, she can eat three meals a day, has running water and electricity and most of all she can go to school which is what she wants. If she does go to the US it will be as our child. I hope this clears it up. I know it's unthinkable but in some cultures, like mine, this is very typical. My parents did the same and helped three people graduate from college.

**Magnetism** · 09-01-2011 09:05 AM

If I was in your position, I would feel exactly the same. To answer your question, you do have the right to feel this way.

It does strike me as odd as to why your husband is dismissing things, putting it on you (are you jealous), and saying "You can't do anything unless you have proof."

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding, but that's what I get from reading your post.

Is there anyway where you don't have to leave the girl alone with him?

**Cyndie32** · 09-01-2011 10:51 AM

a grown man taking a shower with a 13 year old girl is not right and you have every right to be worried. he is crossing some lines here. even if these things you talk of are strickly on the up and up, if you were in the u.s.a. you would be investigated and definately the child would get taken away. grown men do not shower and lay in the same bed with 13 year old girls. it is not appropriate. she should not be watching movies in the marital bedroom either. as her guardian, you have to protect her. do not let him do these things to her. it is not normal.

**rosekitten** · 09-01-2011 10:55 AM

This is not appropriate behavior, and it seems (from what you say) that your husband may be a potential pedophile. My father and I never slept in the same bed (except for when I was a baby), I never wandered around the house naked (I do now, but it's my house lol), and when I had lice, we certainly didn't shower together. While I did shower with my mother when I was younger, when I had lice we washed my hair in the sink/bucket/outside. His behavior is very creepy. You need to set some ground rules for him, and if he isn't willing to follow them, or accept that his behavior is inappropriate, you may need to reconsider the relationship. Even if he was her biological father, do you think it's okay for him to do these things with your potential future children?

**Claret** · 09-01-2011 11:54 AM

This child is in need of protection - right now. This sounds all too familiar to me as my daughter was molested by her step-father and it all started out this way. She is better off in her own home than where she is right now. She is being "groomed" and he is grooming her. Give this child a chance and protect yourself for in many countries if you know about the abuse you could be judged just as guilty as an accomplice. Face up to him, ask him direct questions, make him accept his role in all of this by getting the help he needs to break free of these actions.

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-01-2011 07:21 PM

Originally Posted by Claret

This child is in need of protection - right now. This sounds all too familiar to me as my daughter was molested by her step-father and it all started out this way. She is better off in her own home than where she is right now. She is being "groomed" and he is grooming her. Give this child a chance and protect yourself for in many countries if you know about the abuse you could be judged just as guilty as an accomplice. Face up to him, ask him direct questions, make him accept his role in all of this by getting the help he needs to break free of these actions.

Yeah your right, he's grooming her. I think sadly it's common for American and other western men to go to poor countries and take advantage of the "tame" women and it's easier to exploit children for sexual means also. It's no coincidence that me who can't marry here end up with Asian wives. Obviously they arnt all pedophiles but many of them want a wife that will let them get away with alot of other . I worked in a nice plaza once in the city and the old guy that owned the cafe had an Asian wife and he still make trips every two weeks to bangkok. Um hello???