Should I leave my husband? Or am I overreacting?

**Name** · 09-05-2011 02:20 AM

This is my first post so it's going to be super long. I'm so confused right now. i could use a lot of support and advice. I have been married for 5 years. I have 2 kids with my husband. A 4 year old and a 2 month old. My husband is not from the U.S. and he wanted to go back to his country because of better career opportunities. It was hard for me to move, but i want what is best for my family. Our relationship started off bad i met him at work and after a few months we started dating. I saw him every single day since we had started dating. Everything was going great until after 4 months of dating he told me he was married but separated. It was a huuuuge surprise for me, i couldn't believe it if i saw him every single day how could i not know??? i found out he left her when he was with me already. he never admitted that but i know for a fact. she was out of the country the first month we dated and that's why he was able to see me everyday. then when she came back is when he ended it. He lied a lot when i first met him for stupid things. For example his age, where his mom was born, oh and the married thing. After a while he earned my trust. I really trusted him because i never felt threatened. he didn't go out and always involved me. Now we are in his country. after 2 years here he is successful here. this year he started traveling a lot for business. i admit i'm not used to the idea of him traveling and i was pregnant with our second child. i also don't understand why business trips are going through weekends also. i feel if he has to travel for business he should be back home latest friday. he started changing this year. he said he had these business trips but i busted him going to clubs and spending $400 in one night in a club. then on another occasion he had to travel for a business "training". Told me details about his "training" day as much as them having a bbq, playing volley ball, going to dinner with the co-workers and that the training took place in a big nice house. i decided to reverse look up the number he was calling me from. it turned out to be a hotel at the beach and no where near the training center. I confronted him and of course he did the whole "you're crazy, you're insecure thing". then after about an hour of arguing and he admitted to me that he was at the hotel and needed a break from me. i was 8 months pregnant and very hurt. the only reason i'm still with him is because he spoke to me at late hours those rest of the days of the trip and i thought well if he's with a girl he wouldn't be talking to me at night because she would be there with him right? i've been noticing other changes too. he now puts a password on his phone. i have never been one to check his phone but now i'm curious of why he feel he needs a password. obviously i can't check it now because he put a password. when in the car he puts his cellphone between his legs. i feel like he's hiding something. he blames everything on work. that he's always using his phone because he's constantly receiving emails. but at 4am in the morning? he tells me it's some people in italy on a different time zone and shows me the messages from far away but won't show me the time he received the messages. i don't have proof that he's cheating but what am i supposed to think? i'm really trying to fix things because i do love him and we just had another baby. he constantly tells me i have no self esteem and very insecure, but he has done things to break the trust i had in him. once again he is on a "business trip" and i'm here crying and going crazy. i'm alone over here. all his family and friends are here. his business trips are in the U.S. where i'm from. I feel like he leaves us here and goes and has his fun over there. now that he feels he's making more money he's changed. he tried to get me to sign a paper stating that whatever we list on that paper is what we share as a married couple but from that date on what's his is his and what's mine is mine. I never signed it of course but it really hurt me. i left my country for the better of my family and to support him in his career and now that he's doing better financially he wants to cut me off??? Please i really need advice. am i really insecure, am i overreacting???

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-05-2011 03:11 AM

I don't particularly like that he's telling you your insecure. If I were you I'd want to know the truth and unfortunatly his track record is one of infidelity. Tell him to shape up or you'll ship out. I can't believe he asked u to sign that! It seems money is more important to him than his family and as much as he may love his kids it's not uncommon for people to neglect their families and carry on with their high flying careers. If most of his business is back in the US, I would move back. Sounds like you would see him as much there and atleast you would have your family and friends? Do you mind me asking what country u live in? Would he take the kids off you if u threatened to leave? It happened to a woman here in Australia, her kids were hidden in Lebanon with his mother and she had to hire men to get them back. Some non western men are controlling on a very serious basis so think out how you will do it if you decide to leave. Call your family and ask for more advice. Goodluck

**Name** · 09-05-2011 03:28 AM

hi Elanor-Jane, i try to tell him to be honest with me. tell me if he met someone. he denies everything. i have no proof but he has changed. i'm seeing a psychiatrist here and he mentioned the same thing about just moving back to the U.S. since he's going there so often the same thing you said. i'm living in south america now. i know he feels on top of the world now because he's finally doing what he wants to do. i tell him all the time if he feels that he wants to travel and meet new people and doesn't want to live the family life to just be honest with me. he's young, i'm young and i deserve to live my life and move on as well. i'm hoping this is just a phase he's going through. i don't think he would try to take the kids from me. i do love him but this is mentally destroying me.

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-05-2011 03:34 AM

If it's mentally destroying you then u need to get home to your family. Your children need a mother and the way you are going they will end up with an empty shell. You and they deserve better. If his career makes him happy, that's great, but not at your and your childrens expense. Have u told your mother/father or friends about this? What is their opinion?
Look, even if u just take a trip back to the states I think it will give u a break and time to think. Doesn't sound like money is an issue.

**Mes T** · 09-05-2011 03:37 AM

I agree with Elanor. Think how nice even a temporary little trip back home might be.

To be surrounded by loved ones, people to take care of you... I think you could really, REALLY use this mental vacation to freshen you up and help put your life back into perspective.

**Name** · 09-05-2011 03:47 AM

i know this is not healthy for my kids. i stay strong in front of my 4 year old and she never hears us argue, but i know it affects me with them right now. i lost my mom when i was young and don't have a relationship with my father. My family does listen to me and say they support me with whatever i plan on doing. i do want to go back to the states with my kids to get a break but i can't right now because my 2 month old doesn't have his passport yet. since he was born here i have to apply for his citizenship but my husband has to be present to do that, and with all the work and traveling lately i don't know when he's going to be able to go with me. but for sure next week i'm going to make sure he goes with me where we need to go to get that moving. we are in the process of trying to buy an apartment in the states so that we can have a place to go when we visit but we are still waiting for that to get approved.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 09-05-2011 09:08 AM

In my opinion, this is bordering on emotional abuse. He's trying to make you feel crazy, insecure, jealous, no self esteem as a distrator from his behavior. He's beating you down emotionally because that increases his chances of keeping you right where you are. My ex did this to me. I really had begun to believe I was just a jealous person (even though I had no history of it). My instincts were SCREAMING at me, and THAT is why I felt so insecure. My instincts were right. He cheated on his ex with me (I didn't know that at the time), then he cheated on me with her for the duration of our relationship.

Kids or not, listen to your instincts. Whether he is physically cheating or not, (which there is a high possibility of), he is NOT being a husband to you. He is getting to be Mr. Married with Children when he comes home, but Mr. Free Party Guy when he's gone. All the while you're home with two very little ones, being a single mom.

You are NOT crazy. You are NOT overreacting. Your instincts are screaming at you. You probably think "if I could only find proof", but you already have. No matter what you find, he will have an answer for everything. This needs to be approached by you from an "I am unhappy in this marriage. I am unhappy with your emotional contribution to this relationship and to our family." instead of a "I think you're cheating" perspective.

**Little** · 09-05-2011 09:25 AM

Contact your US consulate. See if they can help you get the little one a passport. Maybe it would be easier to get his citizenship from the US.

Latino culture is ripe with machismo, traditionally it is not out of bounds for a man to do exactly what your husband is doing, even if he's cheating on you every night of the week. While you are the picture of marianismo at home with your children. You are his male pride, and if you go, expect a blow-up. Expect that you won't get a divorce or any child support for some time. Make sure that you have a support net at home.

But my advice, at the end of the day, to leave - no matter how hard it is. You said yourself this is mentally destroying you. Your kids deserve a healthy and happy mother.

**Elanor-Jane** · 09-05-2011 07:55 PM

I'd be going to the consulate then checking your accounts, can he shut any of them? And then going for a break in the US asap. No more excuses, just get it done xx

**Name** · 09-06-2011 10:36 PM

Thank you to everyone. I've had a lot of time to think these days. He's still on his "business trip". After thinking about what to do and speaking to my psychiatrist, i really feel that it's best that we take a break. It's not healthy anymore. I'm not happy and obviously he's not happy otherwise he wouldn't do the things he does. This is the first time ever that we will be splitting up. I have been mentally preparing myself for whatever is going to happen. I'm letting myself know already that he might enjoy his break and not want to get back with me, or i might find out that i am a better person by myself. I want to be at peace with myself and dedicate as much time with my kids since I have the chance right now. I will be letting him know on Friday night when he gets back. I don't know if he's expecting this but I've made up my mind. My psychiatrist wants to see me Friday morning before my husband gets back to see if i'm still feeling the same way. I told him no problem but i really think this is it. I just really hope i have the strength to stay strong not having my family together. Like i said we've never split. I don't know how it's going to feel but i'm trying my hardest to prepare myself. I also don't know how to tell my 4 year old that her dad will be staying at his mom. How do I explain that?