Husband cheated and now she's pregnant.

**SomiticPit** · 09-13-2011 08:01 PM

And don't feel that if you walk away, you are walking away from the child. It is up to him to be the father, whether you are in his life or not. You did not get the woman pregnant, you are not obligated in any way to do anything for this child. BUT, you might try to talk him into accepting his life without you as his wife, while also owning up to his actions and being a father, a dad, to this child he helped to create.

**PinkySweet** · 09-13-2011 09:21 PM

To be frank.... Thats extremely unfair you ask him to not be part of the child life! How would you feel if you were asked by someone to have nothing to do with your child or they wouldnt be with you. Thats very unreasonable.

Theres millions of children who dont know their mothers or father, Im one of the people who has never met my dad. Do you want to be responsible for how the child grows up always wondering why daddy isnt there? if he every thinks about you? or did he just not care?

I think you should allow him to raise his child just because its by another woman doesnt mean hes still going to be messing with her. You be go with him when he goes to pick the child up or drop things off. You could even love the child because if you truely love him you wouldnt leave just because hes going to have a child in his life now.

**orchiddreams** · 09-13-2011 10:52 PM

Chandlers Wish makes a very good point, altruistic, but not realistic. I don't think you can ask him to be out of this child's life, on the other hand I don't think he can expect you to be a step mother to this child. Really it is a tough call. I can't imagine how you feel.

Are you all sure this is his child? Was a paternity test done?

**FML08** · 09-14-2011 02:03 AM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Have the two of you discussed why the emotional, then sexual affair came into play?
The woman from the sounds of it was "told" to have the abortion by your husband in my opinion, went through with the motions but deep down inside, either had always decided to keep it, or then decided to keep it, given she has two other children whoms Father is not involved in their lives.

The difference you two can make in its life by choosing to be a part of his/her life, could be amazing for you, it's "his" child, if I were you I would seriously think this through and forget about her totally... A life, a part of him, that you can be a part of, a difference in this childs life, that they know their Father and a difference in your life, that you have a step child, your child as well that you can help through life...
But, a child should never be a consideration of anger, over a woman whom obviously doesn't care whom she sleeps with, it's a child, it's not the childs fault...You can do good here....

~~Yes we discussed everything about the affair, but I will not get into it on here.
~~The abortion was decided by her. He would never force it upon her or anyone. He just simply told her that he WOULD be there for the child, but he WOULD NOT be with her. Since she already had 2 father-less children, then she decided it was in her best interest to abort. He met her at the clinic, they sat in a room with a counselor and watched a video and were talked to about the decision. Together. He paid for the entire thing out of pocket, and then left her in the room.
~~You make a very good point above about making a difference in the child's life. Yes, it is a part of him, and yes I do love him, but why can't the circumstances be different? It's not like this was his child before I met him and I am not the step-mother. It's the disgusting, embarrassing fact that we were married when this child was made, and I am not FORCED to be a step-mother (if i choose to stay).

I also think about....WHAT IF I stay by his side during this and accept this child into our lives. Am I ready for something like this? ....Another woman's child. I have thought a lot about things and truely don't think I will know the right choice (if there is a right choice) until the day comes when we find out the paternity results. Then I will go with my gut instincts. Until then, I am weighing and considering all options.
I do daydream, or in this case, "day-nightmare" about the possible outcomes from all angles. I am not one for violence, and I do feel that the best revenge is kindess. (Kill them with kindness)
So I have thought about how much it would hurt the other woman if I was by my husband's side throughout this journey and there for every visit, and accept her child with open arms. We are far more capable of caring for a child than her. Would she sit back and see how happy we are and hate the fact that she DIDNT trap him by getting pregnant? Would she be envious? She would have to face the reality that she is still a low-life skank that can't keep her legs closed and the result is another woman taking care of HER child.

But then again...not sure if I can nor will choose to do that. This is all just too fresh for me to fathom. Child support is the LAST thing I am worried about. Money comes and goes and is not an issue. If he had to pay her support for 18 years, that would not bother me one bit as long as they were out of our lives and things were how they used to be between us. But everyone says he needs to be a part of the child's life. I know this is true, but its just not fare! Why must these things happen in life to people who don't deserve it? No one in the family knows this is happening except for us. I would end up leaving him if it turns out to be his child just bc of the embarrassment I would face. We have been together for 6 years and have no children of our own, and for a random child to come into the picture and to have to explain this is unthinkable.
What do you guys think? IF (not saying I would), but IF I stayed and accepted the child, would that bother her to see us happy and together? And how would our family view this? Should I be embarrassed?

**Mes T** · 09-14-2011 02:45 AM

I don't think this woman is going to feel ashamed in any way or remorseful of her life choices if you turned out to be an accepting step-mom. I think if you go down the road of accepting this child, don't kid yourself that you'll be getting back at anyone. I think this is a lose-lose situation quite frankly.

I too really liked CW's post. Yet I have to agree with orchiddreams that it may be a bit on the unrealistic side at this point in time, given the circumstances.

FML08, I'm worried about your relationship with this man. Child or no child, how do you know he won't go sleeping around again, another 6 years down the line? Imagine yourself going through the intense emotional journey of accepting this child's existence, only to find that some time down the line it happens all over again, with yet another woman?

If you were to leave him for good (and not be friends with him or ANY of that), all of this drama would get as close to magically disappearing as possible.

Obviously I don't know your relationship, I haven't seen you two together - it might truly be a wonderful thing, and we are human beings who do make mistakes. But to me, based on your posts, the decision is really clear. You have the freedom to CHOOSE a life that doesn't involve ANY of this. Your partner, on the other hand, no longer has that choice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-14-2011 02:47 AM

You are allowed to be all over the place with thoughts and also get angry, you married him and expected it to be a faithful relationship.

When you said "she agreed to the abortion" you can perhaps understand why I said, "it seems like he suggested it"..But, the thing is, I can understand you both weren't together at the time and I commend him for being honest and letting you know what occured, you never know, he could have waited another 6 months but he was honest.

It's tricky because you obviously love your husband and intend on working things out, family are meant to be supportive, this occured when you two were "not together" right? When you left him.. Perhaps if you make that a point, in addition, they will perhaps ask why you are staying with him, but remember, it's your life, they had their time where decisions were theres, you are a grown woman now and the decisions lie on you and your husband....Ask only for their support in what ever decisions you both make.

It is also difficult because I can imagine, or not imagine allowing him to visit his child without you there...

I obviously see things on the "outside" as I am not you and the opportunity you have for this child, to give..I don't know if you want children further down the track, or have tried yourself, another thing that may way havoc on this for you.

I personally agree with your thoughts on kindness as it's also called "Karma".

Please don't worry about what any body else thinks.... I'm just saying continue talking together, and working together, I don't feel in my opinion that we have a right to say "no" to seeing a child that is blood... It could ruin your marriage in any event number one, and number two if you are going to remain married you are going to have to believe again in him and ultimately re-gain trust together.

**BabyGirl** · 09-14-2011 12:51 PM

Everyone has covered most of the valid points and I haven't the willingness to say what I truly feel about your Ultimatum if he accepts his own child. Other than bring up a couple of Questions to you .

1) You mentioned " Another Woman's Child " like it was some Disease or something. So if you could never have children yourself and wanted a Child in your Life, Then Surrogate Mother with Hubby's Sperm would be Out ? And So would Adoption wouldn't it ?

2) Should ( God Forbid ) something happen to that Mother of His Child, fall Ill or get killed or die from cancer. Can You say you would not let the Father, Your Husband take in his own Child ? Not allow him to do his Responsibility to this Child ?

3) Do you understand that Child Support in the Money form, is not what CHILD SUPPORT means alone. Child Support is the Parents supporting the Emotional, Physical Welfare of that Child.

4) You are basically telling your Husband that He Cannot Love his Child, cannot watch it Grow up, Cannot help it become a secure, loved, well balanced Adult someday.
How can you Validate telling someone whom they can and Cannot Love ?

Think Carefully about this Demand and Threat to your Husband that he not be involved in his Child's life. He made a Mistake, he's owning up to it, he's taking Responsibility .

You will be the Step Mother if you decide to stay with your Husband. And it may be harsh of me to say, but If I were your husband, if you could not accept my Child, my Responsibility to it. I would be the one Leaving You !!

**BabyGirl** · 09-15-2011 08:28 AM

Now to hopefully soften the Shock and Harshness of " If I were Him ".

Lets reverse this, say you were broken up, you got Pregnant, Imagine him telling you he would not be with you if you had another mans child. That you had to Abort or Give the child up for Adoption. That you could not Love and raise " another Mans Child ". ?

How would you feel ? Wouldn't that if he supported you, loved you enough to share your life that included your Child, be so much more proof of His Love for you, including mistakes you have made ?

Now to the Abortion issue. If I were him & You, I would get the evidence together , that they agreed to and he paid for the abortion. Then I would talk with a Lawyer and have him/ her ( attorney ) file a Breach of Contract Suit.

They Agreed , she defaulted. She should have to pay back the Money and it should be noted that she chose on her own to keep the child. The reason being unknown, she could just be against abortion, she could see the " 18 years of Child Support * Cha Ching $$$ *, She could think that once he saw his child, he'd leave you,There are many reasons she did not go through with it.

Either way he does have ( if his ) a Responsibility to the Child. That does Not Include any responsibility to HER !!!

Your best bet, is to decide if you love him enough to want to support his Responsibilities, Be Proud that he has Morals and Recognizes Responsibility. Choosing him, even though he made a mistake, sticking by him will show him, and yes her, that you two are in Love and no one will break that up.

If you Love him and want the marriage to work, forgive his Mistake, forget the Ultimatum of him having to Choose between you and a Child of His. It is very possible he may love you even more for this and you very may well learn to Love this Child and help it live a Good Life.. And that is Good Karma.

**ms.donna** · 09-21-2011 12:28 PM

I'm very sorry about your situation, but u need a divorce. And stay far away from him. U getting bak with him is degrading for yourself and sad for the kid, if he dicides to bail out. Iether way. Do not stay with him.