Having an affair....need help!

**blb25** · 09-16-2011 08:16 AM

Hi, I'm 24 yrs old and have been married almost 2 yrs to a good man and husband who cares about me and accepts my faults, but after we got married things changed with him. When I tried to confront him about my feelings, he would just call me crazy and always say "are you serious? you are just unbelievable" (in a very condescending tone). He also has gained a significant amount of weight since we met 4yrs ago, I care about my self and want him to do the same. It was his idea to start exercising, but has failed to impliment his "awesome idea." He doesn't want to eat healthy, actually he hates my healthy cooking.

Sex with him now is more of a chore and un emotional for me, I usually close my eyes and vision someone else because his body disgusts me. I wasn't looking to start cheating on him, it just kind of fell in my lap at a point in time when I was vulnerable. We met through a mutual friend and BAM there was an instant spark! I hadn't felt that way in sooo long. One day I caved in and just went with it. He was just what I needed a self esteem boost, and feeling appreciated.

Then my husband found out about the whole 2 times we had sex, but it was just pure lust and non emotional. He was willing to forgive me though. He now constantly tracks my every move and even had me download a gps on my phone to see where i am at all times. I can't have a girls night out, a cute guy walks by thats my usual type he asks "do you like him, because you can have sex with him." Doesn't make me feel any better, it just pushes me away. He just simply won't allow me to go out without him, and insists that he comes to my work fuctions.

I have started up a new affair with a guy who is someone I can be honest with and talk to and we'll sit for hours talking then have amazing sex. the sad part is I have to go see my husband immidiately after work and give extreem details about my day, so we can have "open communication" but I can't remember every word I spoke. He does notice that Im not as emotional towards him anymore. I hate to lie to him but it would just start up the water works and whole conversation that I just don't want to deal with.

Im starting think I got married for the wrong reasons. He was my best friend and i think we were better off that way. I realize that I am also suffering. If I left though, it would crush him, and I dont want that to happen, I love the guy and not sure if I want to try and work things out, or move on. I just want to be free, and be myself again, without feeling like someone keeps tightening a leash on me. I want to be married, but I'm not sure if it's with him.

Basically it all come down to i'm just stuck in limbo, don't know what to do.

Please no condecending comments, I already know what I'm doing is wrong.

**LanaBear** · 09-16-2011 10:05 AM

Do your husband the courtesy of divorcing him. He doesn't deserve to have a wife who has cheated on him numerous times. And if you are not happy, you don't deserve to be stuck in a relationship that you are not happy in.

We've recently had two women who have posted about their husbands having an affairs and the "other" women have become pregnant. We've told them to leave.

It's no different here. You need to leave your husband, he's obviously not a person you can be faithful too. Let him go find a woman who can, while you find a man that you can be faithful to.

Good luck.

**PinkySweet** · 09-16-2011 11:11 AM

I hope you know theres never a acceptable excuse to have a "affair" or "cheat". I dont blame if you wanting to be with you every minute or make sure of where you are, it would probably be the same if you cared about him and he cheated.

So you should just get a divorce since youve already began cheating.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-16-2011 04:01 PM

People whom put weight on, do so most times as comfort, "emotional comfort" it makes them feel good which means they are not happy. I am sure, he was well aware of your thoughts about his body being discusting, words aren't the only thing needed to be spoken. I am sure that discussions were had, of the food type, and of his "plan" that he didn't execute, which further bought him down.

Encouragement and I love you for who you are, are important keys to allow the other person to feel safe, happy, loved, and a whole lot of changes can occur when that happens.

I'd hassed at a quess it was the other way around.

It's also almost like there is a rebelious streak in you, like, well if you are going to be like a "Dad" monitoring my every move, I'll still find the way, ha, and I have...Along comes the second affair.

If you can not tolerate how he looks, that's superficial so that means you are not in love... Yet, you state you do, then you don't...Your choices are, tell him you love him and mean it, tell him you love him no matter what he looks like, but if HE wants to lose weight you'll be there beside him and mean it, and start showing love and encouragement so he can see himself in a different light instead of a husband cheated on that his wife, thinks is fat and un-attractive, or you walk and trust me once he gets over it, and he will, all be it he may never trust another woman for a long time, and feels free himself, he will lose the weight and go back to looking like he did when you met...and life goes on..

Affairs are usually because, you are missing something in your life, but remember, it takes two to create havoc usually in a relationship where there is no abuse, rather non communication and respect and honour.

**Mes T** · 09-16-2011 05:41 PM

blb25 I think as others have said you need to divorce this guy. And then I think you'd really benefit from being single for at least a year or so. Seems like you are missing a lot in life... got married young and for the wrong reasons... Well guess what you are still young, and the only person keeping you in a marriage you don't want to be in is you.

I believe that you love him, sure. And that breaking up will be difficult. But when is something like this ever easy?

I think to most of us reading your post, it's quite clear that your husband isn't "the one" for you, no matter how much you might love him.

The fact of the matter is you've already left him, in your heart. Starting with the first time you cheated and up til now. So, in a sense, the hard part is already over. It's just saying the words out loud and withstanding the look on your husband's face when you tell him it's over. Unfortunately there's no way around that, it won't be easy, but it has to be done.

I think you have the potential of a wonderful life ahead of you, full of joy, new experiences... But a word of warning, if I may. You've GOT to learn from this experience. Learn about what you need in a partner, about what type of person you are, and who you want to become.

Cheating is wrong. I know you know that in the back of your mind, but that's not good enough. The minute you think you might be tempted to engage in inappropriate behavior with someone else, you've got to break up with your current partner first. It's a rule of human relationships, and for the sake of your own happiness and integrity, I'd urge you to adhere to it in the future. You owe it to yourself AND to the human being you are hurting by breaking up with him first.

There's not much point in life unless we learn from our mistakes and experiences, okay. Cheating is a nasty habit that can be hard to shake, but seriously, if you don't, then I worry you may ultimately end up alone.

Best of luck.

**rcoreyus** · 09-16-2011 11:08 PM

I am not going to judge someone for cheating. I've been tempted many times, and it might only take a slight change in circumstances for me to do it. I wish the world were more open to people sleeping with others - I honestly think the only harm done is because people have been trained to believe that they are being harmed.

That said, on to your situation. You are no longer physically attracted to your husband. You aren't happy and it sounds like you are staying to make him happy. In the end though, I don't think he can be happy with someone who doesn't love him, no matter how hard you try. I honestly think it is better for him if you leave - let him find someone who is attracted to him and will love him - you say he is a good man and cares about you, there are women who will really appreciate him.

You also deserve a life with someone you are attracted to and whom you can really love.

I don't see any reason to prolong an unhappy relationship, and if one partner is unhappy, the other can't be happy. I know it feels like failure to give up on a marriage after 2 years, but it would be far worse failure to give up after 25, and even worse to one day in your old age realized that you have never been really happy.

I'd end it. Tell him its your fault, apologize, but let him know that you just don't feel the same about him anymore. For all you know he may be relieved as well.

**blb25** · 09-17-2011 08:54 AM

I really appreciate the all the adive and different perspectives ya'll have given me, you have really made some good points. It's like they say "You can't see your way out of the woods when your stuck in the middle of it." I don't know how things got to where they are now, we had some good communication this morning, I had to be honest about the way I felt and hopefully we can go from there. I do have a rebelious streak in me, always have....I've calmed down alot but I just don't like it when rules and more rules are put on top of eachother, I feel suffocated and just want room to breathe. I guess I found that freedom in the wrong places. I will never tell him about my second affair that would just ruin all hope of reconnecting, however I can and will stop it until I've made my decision to stay or go. I wouldn't neccessarilly say I'm superficial, maybe that part came out wrong...I just want to be attracted to him again, complacency is cancer. There are other issues though, like the fact that I have to argue with him to go take a shower, there have been times he has gone all month without taking one, then expects me to want to sleep or cuddle with him. He now takes a shower about once every 2 weeks, it's an everyday challenge. I've tried to be nice and give some encouragment, but it ends up in an argument. I even tried to get into marrige couseling, however, he just won't go "because he just doesn't have the time for this" We have both got to change or it's going be a train-wreck I know it. I've already starting a secret bank account, found a stable job ( was a housewife for 1yr and a half), just in case I need to be finacially independent again. If something doesnt change or our emotional disconnect can't be fixed, there are a lot of maybe it's this or that. I really don't know how I feel right now...too many thoughts and emotions to deal with so I go to a therapist (secretly) to help me sort them and get down to how I feel and what do I want to do with our marrige. He would hate if he found out about that also.

I want to work it out, I believe it can be salvaged, but we both have to put in 100%.

I'm glad I found this site, it gets alot of my chest.

**jns** · 09-17-2011 10:17 AM

Bad hygiene can be a sign of depression and rapid weight gain can be as well. Nevertheless, I am not tolerant of bad hygiene. I can see why you find him repulsive on the hygiene level. I also agree about not having hidden affairs and that you should get divorced.

**BabyGirl** · 09-17-2011 08:04 PM

Then my husband found out about the whole 2 times we had sex, but it was just pure lust and non emotional. He was willing to forgive me though. He now constantly tracks my every move and even had me download a gps on my phone to see where i am at all times. I can't have a girls night out, a cute guy walks by thats my usual type he asks "do you like him, because you can have sex with him." Doesn't make me feel any better, it just pushes me away. He just simply won't allow me to go out without him, and insists that he comes to my work fuctions.

How did he find out about the First Affair ?

If he truly Forgave you then you have to build up the trust again, though making you have a GPS tracking devise on your phone is a Bit much IMO. Then again, from your Admitting to a 2nd affair, it shows, by your Actions that you really don't love him and want work it out with him.

It also shows that you are untrustworthy and that he has reason to mistrust you again ( even if he doesn't know about the 2nd Affair) you are admitting to yourself and to us here, that you know it's wrong what you are doing.

Whether he knows about the 2nd Affair, or ever will know about it, is a Moot Point. You know about it, you know it is not what one does in a Marriage, even once as as Mistake, But Twice is an Absolute Signal that you are Not Happy with him, You are Not In Love with him as a Life Partner and most likely you will " Stray " when you get a Chance.

One would ask, why you " Can't even have a Girls Night Out " ? And think that he's being Controlling, might be unreasonable. It seems you answer in your own words why he may feel the need to not " allow " you to be unsupervised.

He is Hurt, Insecure and not trusting you yet. Which he has a right to be, no matter his Weight.

It is a Congratulations to him for trying to forgive you, most men would just kick you out and find a woman who won't Cheat. So in a Way, you are very Lucky to have him still want to be Married to you .

There are other issues though, like the fact that I have to argue with him to go take a shower, there have been times he has gone all month without taking one, then expects me to want to sleep or cuddle with him. He now takes a shower about once every 2 weeks, it's an everyday challenge. I've tried to be nice and give some encouragment, but it ends up in an argument. I even tried to get into marrige couseling, however, he just won't go "because he just doesn't have the time for this" We have both got to change or it's going be a train-wreck I know it.

The Hygiene issue can be a deterrent to closeness. Instead of Argue about it, you can calmly explain that you cannot feel romantic with him when he is not as Clean as he can be.

You can offer to run his bath, wash his back, take a shower with him. You can buy some of the New Men's Body Wash and Shampoo, ( Like AXE ) explain how good it smells and how it makes him smell " Sexy ".

On his weight, you said you like to be Fit ? Have a daily regiment with you both, Walking or Exercising, get a treadmill, or Bow flex, row machine. ( lots of these on Craigs List or Thrift Store that don't cost $100's ). And let him know that Sex burns Calories too

It seems You have time for Affairs and he hasn't time to go to Marital Therapy, Maybe he can walk to work with you and he can be your GPS, just by holding your hand, that would exercise both of you .

**oxy-moron** · 09-18-2011 04:12 PM

Originally Posted by blb25

I have started up a new affair with a guy who is someone I can be honest with and talk to and we'll sit for hours talking then have amazing sex.

In the early days of a relationship you get a boost of hormones that make both partners behave differently and perceive the other person differently.
The other persons faults are overlooked- sex drive is boosted- communication abilities are boosted to higher levels than normal- especially in males.
These things are as nature intended to boost the chance of having a child. But they start to wear off after months and are usually gone with 2 or 3 years.
You have gone out and found fresh relationships with the novelty and hormones they provide.
These will also flatten out over time.

I agree with the other posters that you should leave him because you are hurting him.

If you do leave you should re-evaluate your expectations of a long term relationship. Long term relationships require constant inputs of physical touch , multiple types of unconditional support and realism.

You may be better off as a single person seeking back to back to back to back romances so you can keep the new relationship hormonal rush going.
Good luck