Am I married for the wrong reason? I'm so desperate, please help me out!

**ttconuong** · 09-18-2011 04:00 PM

This is my first post, so please bare with me. Let me start with introducing about us. My husband is a smart, successful, responsible, family oriented and very disciplined person. These are the qualities I admire most about him, but maybe sometimes he just have too much pride in it that he would not accept me for me. I've learned a lot from him in these aspects, but still that won't change who I am. I graduated from college when we met, but struggled to find a job. With low self esteem and wrong thinking lead me to persuaded him to get into restaurant business. He was against it, but I finally convinced him in. I didn't know what I was doing, maybe trying to get something out of myself when seeing he's so successful. Unfortunately, that was the worst decision I've ever made up to this point in my life. I accidentally got pregnant when we first took over the business, and it's definitely not the best idea running a restaurant with a big stomach by myself while he has a full time job. To make the story short, we were somehow able to get through that time, but that of course left a dent in the business. We lost a lot of customers, and after getting back on track with the business, we still have not gained enough customers to make a profit. After knowing him, I've learned not to quit, and I have not with this business. But i'm at the point of breaking down, emotionally and physically because I basically work 13hrs a day/7 days a week. Didn't have times for my son, and so much arguing.I always try to keep myself calm, but i couldn't stand it when he keeps throwing hurtful stuff at me. When he's upset then calling me names, say that he always have to clean up after myself. Yes, he's the main financial supporter in the family right now, but that doesn't mean he can say that to me. I basically worked for more than 3 years now w/ no pay. I think I have the right to some of the decisions in the business. I tried to sit down and talk to him about selling it, but he always insist on keeping and we always ended with an argument. Every time we argue, he blames me for getting us into this, and calling me a quitter. I've never worked so hard in my life, and the thing that hurts the most is he doesn't see it worth anything. I'm very pessimistic about the success of the restaurant at this point because 1) we can't seem to agree on anything when it comes to how to run it. 2) many other uncontrollable factors like bad location, few parkings, and the menu selections.

The reason I still do it because I thought somehow if we get it to do well, all problems will be solved. Actually, the hardest part is thinking about my son having to live with only 1 parent. I thought he doesn't deserve that, and have always stop the thought of leaving. On the other hand, I don't know if this is healthy for my son if we keep arguing. I never thought the restaurant was the issue. We argue on things outside of the business as well. I'm too tire and exhausted. Please let me know what I should do.

**jns** · 09-18-2011 04:56 PM

The obvious thing is to get rid of the restaurant. Owning a restaurant isn't for everyone. It is quite thankless until you have it going good. Can you get out? The menu should be fixable. Why has it not been fixed?

My wife and I looked into doing such a thing maybe 5 years back. We looked local, but bad parking and too high a monthly lease made me back out of a place we found (there is an operating restaurant there now, but I don't think it is doing well.). I would have preferred a location several hundred miles away, but my wife did not want to move. I would have not moved as my job would have kept things going at the beginning. And we had a firm offer of help from a friend of my wife's who had successful restaurants in New England and the Midwest (she came out to scout locations). On the other hand, the son of a friend just took over a restaurant about 8 months ago and he seems to be doing well. He managed several restaurants before and knows how to cook as well. His wife also works there.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-18-2011 06:19 PM

My ex-husband was like that, when I went into Real Estate, his view was as a commission only job, I was never going to get anywhere his words were "get a real job". When I then bought into a Franchise, it was "you don't know how to run it", and now, 10 years later, I am out of the Franchise running my own, as it is now all referral, past client and Landlord based, I'm enjoying it.

My Fiance is a Chef, I spent 17 years before Real Estate Managing Restaurants...It is a very tiring job however, can be very rewarding but you need your energy, personality, and smarts about you.

Here is the thing.

You probably are a risk taker and he is conservative, doesn't take risks...That is not a good marry.

Secondly, you didn't get pregnant deliberately, it was accidental, your baby was going to be that restaurant shirt happens. No understanding on his behalf there at all.

Emotional abuse is still abuse, my ex did that too, over and over and it brings you down.

You can not put in 7 days a week, 13 hrs a week, and run a household and tend to a child, and no, the child does not need to hear you arguing.

What type of restaurant is it?
How many does it seat..
What type of clientele come there and why
Does it hold functions
And how many work for you
I gather you do all the ordering, bookwork, marketing as well.

Maybe I can help work this with you and see if you can jump this and keep it and prove him wrong he's never going to listen he will continue putting you down.

Your baby and your life is the most important thing though, don't get me wrong, you say he works full time so who looks after your baby?

It's possible you can re-arrange a few things, sometimes KPI's are wrong as well, or there are add ons that you can offer that people go yeah great love it, that can give you a profit...

One step at a time though.

I think if for me anyway if I can get a clear picture of it all, then I may be able to offer some advice that can keep a balance for you...

**ttconuong** · 09-18-2011 07:22 PM

Thank you both for replying to my post. As Chanlers Wish said, I was the risk taker I admit that, but when I finally get the grasp of things, he wanted to take over the control, and didn't take any of my advice. At some point, I just do what he wanted even though deep down I didn't feel it helps. I did my best at operating the restaurant and keeping the food good, but other than that there's no more energy for other things, i.e. marketing. Besides all these, we also have online retail websites that we started prior to entering restaurant, which makes some money and all put into the restaurant. I put some hours into it each day as well to keep it running. Ours is dine-in about 80 seats. Medium scale vietnamese noodle soup and rice plates. We have one waiter from morning until 2, and then i have to take over until we close at 9pm. We have 3 workers in the back, but mostly have 2 at any given time. Only on crowded days like Fri or Sat then we have all 3. So, at lunch rush, I have to run to the back and help. I don't complain about the work, but if I don't see it goes anywhere, I really don't have the motivations. On top of that, I feel I don't have a life for no reason, and cannot change a thing. He wants us to open from 8:30-9, when we start having customers at least 11 o'clock (our most crowded hour is lunch time). I told him why don't we open a little later so I can get a bit more sleep, but he would not. Don't get me wrong, he's a very hard working person himself. Full time job, taking care of my son after work, and sometimes have to do consulting on the weekend to bring in more money for the business. that's one reason I feel I can't complain about who work harder. I think we just take on too much on ourselves, that we cannot truly focus on anything. I mentioned this to him, and all he said was he works more than I do so don't complain. I don't want us to lead toward that direction, but he's just too stubborn. I can't get anything into his mind. Another thing I didn't mention also is we borrowed a lot of the money from his parents and mine when starting the restaurant, and have not pay them back. That's probably one of the reason he's so stressed out about getting it to work.

**ttconuong** · 09-18-2011 07:58 PM

Chanler's Wish, Yes I do everything at the restaurant. From waiting, cashier, prepare drinks, cooking, bookkeeping, buying, marketing, menus. You name it. You can imagine how many things I have to jiggle during the day, and yet when he has a chance to come out and watch the restaurant and see that a customer left some of the food back, I'd be beat up verbally at home. It's driving me crazy. It's up to the point where I don't want to talk anymore.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-18-2011 10:16 PM

ttconuong, what do the (2) or (3) people do at the back?

If you have to carry food, and serve drinks, run to the till when someone needs to leave, you can not add on items such as suggested meals that are $2 more profit for you, a special x 400 people a week as an example thats $800 a week more... Same with drinks, each soft drink you don't serve as you didn't have time, loses you $1.00 as a figure of speach which could have made you another $200 a week, therefore $1000 a week, $52,000 a year does that make sense?

So you have to ascertain where best to place these staff, dishes can be done later. What time do the cooks get in? Are the dishes cleverly pre-done mostly so just throwing the ingredients into a wok..

I am sorry your husband is so, "spot on" with things obviously and I imagine running an on-line business as well, then his work plus weekends, your son and the restaurant is alot for him to handle himself.

I would have one waiter there 12pm - 3pm at least on busy days and weekends, and try to re-schedule the staff in the kitchen, with a few less hours to make up for it, and between you and the waiter, come up with speciality dishes each week and sell, sell, sell and have this person concentrate only on taking orders up-selling, adding even things like garlic beans as a suggestion, that you make $2 profit on and helping serve drinks having a keen eye as soon as a glass is empty... It is these things that make profit.

I don't know if you have wastage? I used to shop 3 times a week instead of letting the suppliers come to me, on vegetables if it meant they were fresh and lasted longer and cheaper...

Maybe we can start a business plan? And, you can produce that to your husband with the changed rosters, savings, increase in profits, ideas and then work on marketing, because then if you get busier you can employ another waiter.

**jns** · 09-19-2011 12:17 AM

My wife and I helped out for a day at a Thai restaurant in Portland, Maine years ago. The owner was the one I described in an earlier post. They got to the restaurant around 9:30 and started prepping for lunch which was from 11am to 2pm. At 2pm they closed for 2 hours and reopened at 4pm until 9pm. I could be a little fuzzy on those times but I think they are correct. Unless you are in a place where there are significant numbers of customers who want mid to late breakfast items, it is not worthwhile to be open before 10:30am or 11 am. If you wanted earlier hours you would sell dumplings or pastries or other such oriental breakfast fare along with coffee and such. This works in the Chinatown area of Los Angeles and would work in other concentrations of Asian customers, but not in most other places. Having a few people come in for dining while doing mostly prep work is disruptive and labor wise costly.

Starting later would allow more prep before and the first server would also do prep work part of the time. This would allow you and the server to concentrate on the customers and do as CW said, cater to their needs and at the same time increase sales. An extra person to serve could be needed in the evening if sales warrant it. The later starting and mid afternoon closing allow the prep work to be done so that the cooking is easier at lunch and dinner. Then you would not have to run back and help out in the kitchen, disrupting keeping customers happy as well as keeping them from buying more things. You could even have takeout available when the dining room isn't open for dining.

I think some of the days someone started earlier to go to the wholesale produce market and they may have had a delivery of specialty items from Boston or New York City by a contracted runner.

**oxy-moron** · 09-19-2011 11:57 PM

Good advice from CW and JNS as usual.
It might also pay todo some cost based analysis. It may be that some periods like Saturday afternoon are costing you considerably more in overhead than you are earning.
Also try watching some of Gordon Ramsays programs where he goes in an turns around restaurants that are struggling.

**ttconuong** · 09-20-2011 06:29 PM

Thank you everyone for the great advices on the restaurant. I just want to know if it's worth continuing or I should firmly call it a quit with him, which could possibly end our marriage. It came up in several arguments. Is there a point where you can say that you've done enough, or only when you run out of capital? We opened in early 2009, and up until now still average only about $700/day (this is taking the whole year numbers). It is an increase from 2010, but not by much. Is my thinking rational for this type of business? If it happens then it should happen within 2-3 years right? He always told me he knows about business and that I have to trust him, but I don't find any of his strategy works. He wants to add dishes when 1)we're lack of workers 2) don't have a lot of customers (slow turn around for food = bad quality or wastage). Some items don't get sell once for few days. Oxy! yes we watched many episodes of Gordon Ramsays..I think the ones applied to us, we've executed it, but most others don't. Most of those restaurants are more like high ends, and we are not.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-20-2011 06:42 PM

It sounds as if you are burnt out to start with, you have to have a fire in the belly to succeed.

Most businesses take up to 6 years to succeed and if they reach that stage, they are safe.

If you have wastage, and dishes that are not ordered, your husband is right, the dishes needed to be taken off the menu that are not ordered, therefore minimal wastage and dishes that "other simular restuarants" that are successful should take their place... Businesses need constant researching as to what that particular market is doing and who is succeeding in it.

Sounds that your chef needs to be replaced (cook) as well... If food does not sell for a few days, it is not fresh, won't taste as good and you will lose customers.

If you were able to add on like suggested, $2 profit on something really good, $.50c profit more on soft drinks and sell more of them, then you could easily turn over another $100 a day, that's $35,000 a year more just by aiming at increasing it by $100 a day.

You need to see what charges other restaurants are making, what dishes they are serving, provide atmosphere, lower lighting, candles are still cool ...

It doesn't matter if you are in the lower market then you are "CHEAPER" you should be snowed under with customers because of that, you can have speicals that are more expensive this is where the added $2 per person comes into it, even if it is one only dish per week...

Also identify those dishes that are slow turnaround ie) it could be the combination that you are presenting as a whole, or it could be most "fish" dishes for instance so order less fish, and restrict the menu to one only dish for that particular topic.

If it is an increase it means you can further increase it...