Dealing with the ex and our kids

**Etain2** · 09-21-2011 09:32 AM

I left my ex 2/05/2009 my divorce was final 09/09/2010. He still makes my life horrible. I have more self help books than the library, he had me so convinced that I was "crazy" and "forgetful" Just when I think I can move on he starts up again. My kids are 12 and 14 we have 50/50 custody and I pay child support. He is currently disabled, he ruptured his Achillies 2 years ago and as a Police Officer I guess they have no job for him, his surgery was not successful?! My kids are very Black and White and love him. I sucked up his controlling ways by just not fighting back so my kids never really saw us argue. He won every arguement because I couldn't take disagreeing with him, it wore me down. When he sexually abused me it was at night so they obviously didn't see that either. He always was groping me but got away with that too

My ex was never around for the kids other than my sons baseball and now he is father of the year. He is a stay at home dad and he has NO outside interests so his whole life is those kids. I want a life but feel I have to attend all their games (both my daughter and son are very active in sports all year) even when I don't have them because he does. My kids actually said my ex does more for them than me. My kids are straight A students too so the Narcissist supply my ex gets from them between being good students and good athletes keeps the relationship good for them.
I work to pay for the house ( I bought him out because he couldn't afford it) I still have to pay 1/2 all extra curricular and I buy them clothes and whatever else they need. My ex lives with his mom and pays NOTHING to live there, his mom even grocery shops!! My question is how do I let go? How do I stop competing and killing myself. All I do is cry. I got him out of my life but we live in the same town and I have to see him at everything. I feel so stuck

my kids are against me dating get mad if I don't attend activities or school functions, even if I can't. HELP. I don't know anyone in my situation and any advise to "show me the way" would be greatly appreciated. I am in therapy, I have a life coach....... I am trying

Thanks
Eileen

**KMonte85** · 09-21-2011 09:48 AM

I'm so glad to read that you are out of that terrible relationship with your ex. He sounds like quite a "peach"

It is comforting to know that you're working on bettering yourself. What does your therapist tell you about your stress with the ex and your children?

I feel so sad that you're spinning you wheels trying to make your kids see you in the same light as their father. You shouldn't have to compete for your own kids' love and affection. They are old enough to understand that their father's circumstances are different than yours, and so he has more disposable income and free time. It almost seems as if they aren't over the divorce either. Are they in any sort of counseling to learn about and work through their own emotions? It might be helpful for them as well, so they can understand why they are feeling the way they are and using you as an outlet for their anger and sadness.

**Etain2** · 09-21-2011 10:08 AM

KMonte,
I did try counceling for both unfortunately they both fought it the whole time. They both said they don't need therapy, its for Special Needs Education (Sped) kids and then rambled off any kids that go for behavior counceling

. Like I said they are both very smart, too smart sometimes

. My ex did well in school, was a good athlete and a bully. He takes credit for all good they do and calls them "my children" when things aren't what he likes. My son has anxiety and sometimes its real bad, that is when I get credit for being his mom. My daughter is free of anxiety except if she can't get a hold of me. She has no patience and has a short tempter but I am talking to her about it and actually she is working on an English project this week in school about character traits (hers) and is discussing both good and bad. She acknowledged both of the above

and I think or am hopeful maybe we can work on these together. One more thing, I have always worked ( part time 3.5 days a week until I left my marriage) but I was a full time mom when I was with them. My ex worked weekends and did landscaping ( although I never saw any income from the landscaping) so he really was never around. When I left he fought and got 50/50 custody. I have a hard time when I don't have them. Just showing up to attend their things when I don't have them is for some reason especially hard. Maybe it's because I have to see my ex, who nearly always has something to say. He is really good at being mean. I am not kidding..... he tried to run my sister in law off the road ( kids in the car and all) last week then followed that up with a verbal fight with my brother on my driveway (he was picking up my daughter) which my daughter had to break up. My daughter didn't see that he started it so she is upset with both of their behaviors. Yes the police are aware, my brother and his wife had a meeting with the Lt. Detective. He seemed to side with them and said he would pull my ex in for a meeting. Still waiting on what happened, the police det didn't get back to my brother yet.
Lastly, my therapist is aware of my stress, tells me that I need to let it go with the kids, detach with love but disipline. My life coach and I are working on boundaries issues.
Thanks for your reply.
Eileen

**Claret** · 09-21-2011 11:34 AM

The only thing I can say that may have any impact on how you are feeling, is just this. . .what you pay out in tuition, sports, clothing, food etc for the children is just that "for the children." Don't dwell on the fact that he is not working, that he lives at his mother's, that he seems to be father-of-the-year, just remember that you will get your reward for being patient, for attending their sporting events, by encouraging them in their lives from them when the time is right. They will remember and acknowledge the sacrifices you are now making. It is not about your ex -- it should all be about the children.

**Etain2** · 09-22-2011 08:40 AM

I know your right totally right, I just find I get so overwhelmed and do the wrong thing by pointing out that I am working and paying for whatever they need. My ex pays for the kids 1/2 of sports, but I have the bulk of expenses. My kids know he is around so they think he is the better parent. I'll keep trying to focus on them and not him. Thanks

**Claret** · 09-22-2011 09:27 AM

Also, it's usually the parent that is not responsible for the discipline, the day-to-day routines that you have to nag kids at, (do your homework, brush your teeth, get off the phone, help with the dishes etc.) that come across as the "good parent". Give you kids credit, they can or will shortly see through all of this.

**Seeker_Advice** · 09-22-2011 11:31 AM

Add another book to your library... "Joint Custody With A Jerk" is the title. Been there, done that, nearly everything you have shared, only from the male perspective. I am the one who has paid more than my share for everything despite what our "agreement" says and what the court has "ordered" her to pay.

It's all B.S. and has been for years...

The "best" advice you have received so far...in as many words...IMO...is to keep the focus on the children. Forget that he's a bum, low life, living at home with mommy, home all of the time, "Super Dad" or whatever... It got so bad for me (the stress, frustration, anger) that I finally had to put enlarged photos of my children on the back of the door that leads into the garage so that I would see their smiling faces every morning as I left for work. Stupid? Perhaps, but it worked for me during those really tough times...

Pictures are long gone now and so is most of the I have put up with over the years...not to mention thousands upon thousands of extra dollars that I was not suppose to have to pay for this or that but did so "our" children didn't go without. Their mother hasn't worked in 10+ years...not even part time, by choice, as she stays home and "runs" the household that she and the last man she cheated on me with have created for themselves.

If you're up for the "challenge" you might consider going back to have the 50/50 arrangement reviewed. A significant number of them don't work and more and more counties/states are not allowing them because of the awful history. Kids need a stable home...a place they know is theirs all of the time with the availability of visiting others.

The fact that their father is now living at his mother's home and not contributing to that household could be grounds to have your scenario at least reviewed if not reconsidered. I'm not a lawyer...

I feel your pain and relate to it first hand, having been there myself. Ugh!

**stariana** · 09-22-2011 12:21 PM

HI Eileen - the best advise I received through my divorce/custody issues with my jerk/ex was to focus on MY relationship with MY children. I don't discuss their father with them, I don't focus on his behaviors, I don't focus on who is "better" or the "good parent". I focus on what I have in front of me when I am with them. If they need discipline, I discipline. If they are acting goofy, I have fun with them. I provide what I can, and explain why I can't afford what ever they want. I take responsibility for my own actions, and let them see him for who he is on their own terms. They wont be kids forever, and as they grow, they are seeing him for his true colors. My prayers will be answered when they are adults, and grateful for the mom they had growing up. NO focus on him, he'll make his own bed. As long as I can be the best parent I can, on my terms, (financial, "fun" mom, dating, etc.) I know I am doing what I can. Dont cheat yourself out of your life because you think they are going to judge you for it. In the long run, if you are happy, they will appreciate your smile, and be happy with you. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard, but the better YOUR life is for YOU, the better off they will be seeing their strong, independent, happy mom. Best of luck, take it one day at a time. Remember, your their mom, not their friend.

**Etain2** · 09-22-2011 01:06 PM

I should print that out!! I cry so much in front of them

I have other other obstacles in my life too ( a sister in law that lives next door whom I thought was my friend and is my foe and now my controlling some what of an invalid mother has just moved in with me. So I am getting it from 3 sides

but I will take your advise and I am printing out what you said as a reminder and to help!! Thanks so much !!!

**oxy-moron** · 09-22-2011 03:01 PM

Hi
Police have a very high incidence of Mental health issues and control issues- it shows through in a very high suicide rate. He is obviously in more fortunate position from a child time perspective.
You cannot control that so you are going to be stuck trying to make the best of a bad situation.
You need to get yourself a new partner to provide a distraction and purpose to your life.
Dont let your children run your life- they dont know the full story.