How to get over my Husband x

**bezza** · 09-28-2011 11:25 AM

Hi everyone,
I'm here for help to get over my Husband, we've been together for just over 8 years we got married on 13th Feb 2010 after 13 months of marriage he decided that he wanted out i am totally devastated and its been 7 months, We have a 4 year old son together (his first) we planned at the age of 39 he is step-dad to my 14 year old and has been in his life since the age of 6(he is devastated too just like the 4year old), he is the love of my life and can't seem to get over him, he said i was too controlling insecure and needy and he did'nt love me anymore, he does odd jobs around the house he has been cooking tea for us this week as i had a fall and hurt my ankle, he is such a lovely bloke we are getting on really well but i just want him home and be a family agin, i need advice i've tried counsellors doctors and anti-depressants and nothing sseems to help.....x x x

**Lisa1988** · 09-28-2011 11:40 AM

Hi Bezza,

I always used to get angry when I saw/heard things like this because I am a a big believer in being a strong independent woman.
My advice used to be a lot more, "get over it and move on". However that was before I realised for myself just how hard it really is.
I am in a similar situation, but not married. We have been together for a while and a year ago he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. It is a year later and we still have contact, he is just such a lovely man, which I think makes it even harder to move on.
I have realised recently though that no matter how kind and wonderful a man is, if he has made a decision that he doesn't want to be with you, you really have to try to move on.
I think its easier to gradually faze out the contact that you have. If you decide one day that that's it, no more contact it won't work. The slower the process the easier it seems to be. Having said all that its not going to be that easy when you have children together.
One thing that would make it easier is if he took the kids out, rather than being at your house. You need to find some separation from him being the kids dad to being the man you want to be with.
Try and wok out some ground rules with him, explain to him how you feel and if he doesn't want to be with you that you need some separation.
Maybe you could go and see a friend whilst he takes the kids out. Friends are very good at telling you what you want to hear though so be careful, friends sometimes lead you into false hope without meaning to.
Keep telling yourself that you need to move on.

I really believe I was with "the one" but it turns out I was wrong. For whatever reason a guy doesn't what to be with you, ultimately it's their decision and however much we analyse the situation it's not going to change.

Tell him that the way he acts i.e helping out round the house leads you to thing there may be a chance of you getting back together! Well thats how it seems from what you wrote.
Ultimately it is down to you to push yourself forward. I know us women can be completely crazy sometimes and it will take a while to move on... BUT you WILL move on.

**gccg** · 09-28-2011 02:13 PM

Hello Bezza,
Even strong women get weak when it comes to love and loneliness. If he said he does not want to be with you and has not changed his mind yet then let him go.
I took back my cheating ex because of loneliness and I was afraid to move on, now I regret it. Get distance and go out to see family and friends. There will be tough times ahead but we are women and we can do it!

**bezza** · 09-28-2011 02:19 PM

Hey Lisa, that makes alot of sense, like ur man he is very kind hearted and will do anything to help anyone and that does make it harder , i did go to see a fortune teller and he said your husband is'nt coming back but wants to be in your life as a sister figure.....ummmm, that makes sense, my friends say he's having his cake and eating it, he knows how i feel about him but still offers to do things for me but i will slowly put a stop to it, our son starts full time school from next week and that is gonna be a killer for him as he's been so used to having him around i did get a solicitors letter sent to him to say when our child is in full time schooling then weekend visits would have to happen as i don't want his routine disturbed, he has'nt got anywhere to live and is boarding with friends so he can't have over night stays, i just wish he would come home his friends say he's not happy but he must of been so unhappy at home to not come back, i do need to move on everybody says he must be mad leaving me i would love to ask him out right if theres any chance of us 2 getting back together but rejection is such a cruel thing to bear..so i keep my mouth shut and get on with it, i love having him around as it seems quite normal when he's here but then he goes again, he has made his decession not to be with me but i hang on in there just incase, so so wrong i know, i gotta grow some balls and get over it be strong and move on, thanks for your reply x

**bezza** · 09-28-2011 02:25 PM

Hey, thanks for your reply, i so need to let go i am learning to drive at the grand age of 43..lol, so im movin on a little bit as i would never of done that if he was at home, are you still with the cheating x ?,

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-28-2011 03:48 PM

Bezza

Do you think he was right? Do you think you were needy, clingy, controlling?

If the answer is yes, then it's called you aren't independent, as you say you are learning to drive at 43

What you need to do, in my opinion having been with him all those years and having 3 children, is live for you, get to know you, allow him to play a part of the "family" even giving you time out, he has a right to still be with his children and they would want that too from the sounds of it...

Find hobbies, join a gym, gain girlfriends, find a volunteer job, one you can do from home even, find you...

If you become independent you won't need a "man" to be there, drive you around, the kids, question where he is, need him

You will be able to stand on your own two feet and in that, join in a relationship of independence and happiness

Who knows, he loved you when he met you, he may love the new you better as that was his reason for not feeling loved himself in the relationship, rather he was needed and told what to do, he wasn't able to be independent.

**bezza** · 09-29-2011 02:56 AM

Hi Chandlers Wish, i totally understand where your coming from and yes i think i was all the above things but not to the degree that he had to leave me , we were together 7 years before he proposed to me so he knew me inside and out and knew what i was like, i do need to learn to cope on my own which i think i am doing a good job of as i have no choice it is making me a stronger and more independant person but i get so lonely when the kids are in bed and i'm sat alone this is where i need to keep buisy, we live in a very small town and everyone knows each others business which is pretty , I keep on hoping one day he will come back to me we are getting on fine at the moment we have a laugh together and always chatting not about him n me just everything else, i know there is'nt any other woman involved so thats a good thing as i would be totally devastated if there was ( im sure in time there will be), we had such a good relationship and all this has come outta the blue thats why im so gutted as i never knew how he was really feeling, my friends and family thinks he has a problem with commitment as this is his 2nd marriage his first lasted only 8 months but his x wife left him, they all say he's a coward too , not having the balls to stay and work at the relationship instead he took the easy option and left, thats why i can't get over it, its rejection we are so good together i was willing to change so much not me as a person as thats who in fell in love with but how i dealt with situations, thanks for your help and advice x

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-29-2011 04:13 AM

Hun, if someone is all those things, as years go by they forget the love, the person they fell in love with, they live day by day with this emotion, eggshells, I did it

So, yes he knew what you were like but for what ever reason people "think" they can change someone, with the love he had, he could make you not in-secure and believe... But as the years went on he kept there but realised he didn't / couldn't.. I am glad that you see that you do need to learn how to cope for yourself, on your own and obviously you have started

Lonliness leads to clingingness, no car either for you... And, add a small town, in hinesight, you should have moved, he may come back to you, never count that out, but if you show you can stand on your own two feet, are not clingy have hobbies, have a life, be nice and laugh with him, he will see what he has always wanted in my opinion...

Don't worry what friends or family say. But, maybe with an ex leaving, it is definately a fear for future, this is where a woman has to try to make them realise you are not her, I tried didn't work, good luck

What you don't have is closure, the real reason, other than what he told you which is a factor... So, there is no real communication there, in its totality.

Having said that if he can not sit down and talk about it in it's totality then yes he is gutless, and yes, you have a right to feel distaste and upset, if not even angry..

But live for you, there is a whole world out there you haven't seen yet, trust me :P x

**bezza** · 09-29-2011 05:49 AM

Hey C.H, you should be a counsellor/ therapist, ive had more advice out of you then my therapist your words are so true, its like a vicious circle i know what i have to do its having the energy to get up and go as my mojo has got up and gone..lol, i used to google , How to get my Husband back..., now i'm in a forum asking how to get over him, thats a massive step for me, ive had so much male attention ive lost nearly 3 stone i suppose i look good and don't look like 43-44 this year he does tell me i look the best i ever did and hes lost weight too when i first got with him people used to say god he's the cat that got the cream as he's not a looker at all (although beautiful to me) they said he's the luckiest guy in town..ummmmm, well our 4 year old is still asking when is daddy coming home and he still is so upset but better than he was the 14 year old is suffering in his own way he won't talk about it just puts up barriers, this has upset all the extended family too..what a mess hey, thanks for getting back to me, really appreciate it x x

**DSemcho** · 09-29-2011 08:14 AM

I'm sorry that your having to go through it. Counseling might help. I've been divorced also, but I went a inappropriate route and diddled a lot of guys hoping it would help and it didn't. I did end up going to a counselor, and she had me do a list of pros and cons of staying together. Me and my ex have been broken up for a year and months, and honestly I'm still not completely over it. But I have moved on. I'm not married again, have been for a year, and except for a couple of things we are happy together. The only way you can really get over it is to just try to keep living your life day to day, and when you see yourself getting sad thinking about it, find something to distract you. If you need any help, or just someone to talk to, you can message me anytime.