I love you but Im not in love with you!

**mumwithdaughters** · 10-30-2011 10:48 PM

Before children we were very busy, always with friends and we lived with his brother so never really had a lot of alone time. To which we were both happy with at the time.

Once the kids came along he continued in the same lifestyle, not home a great deal and when he was home he had mates around in the the shed. I was kind of happy with the later in that at least the kids could see him and see what he was doing. He has never been overly effectionate with the kids, he loves them but doesn't instigate a cuddle or a kiss goodnight. They have to make the effort.

Over the last couple of years he has increasing became more controlling. Telling me (not discussing) when he was going out of town (often travelling interstate for his hobby for a week every 3). I would never say no to this as it was his 1 major interest, the kids and I just went along with our own things (school, work and the occasional camping trip). He told me to stop my weekly sport and did not want to be around my friends. Our only family outings became visiting his friends or my in laws. This was around the time we got married but I think it was more a coincidence in timing. Maybe he is reacting like this because I want to live life, have experiences and teach my children about what life can offer other than TV, Wii hand held games. He has always been welcome but doesnt want to partake.
I had my proceedure a couple of days ago and after picking me up from theater he left me home alone for 4 hours........ first time I had ever been knocked out. I suppose I should be grateful he picked me up

Im startig to think we have grown apart and Im going to have to work at this. I hope he wants to too.
I live in Australia.

**jns** · 10-31-2011 10:14 PM

Was the marriage an attempt to bring the relationship to a more intimate state? It sounds like he knew things were getting less intimate even then. At the same time he doesn't want too much intimacy. He is probably becoming more controlling in an attempt to bring the relationship back together. He probably wants the intimacy even though he doesn't show love and emotion. This is similar to how he is with the children. Maybe it came from his upbringing. His excesses seem to be escapism. Best luck on getting things back together. Are you seeing a counselor?

**mumwithdaughters** · 11-01-2011 07:49 PM

jns,

Getting married was something we both wanted. In hyensight there were signs but they were overlooked.
I have seen a counsellor on a few occasions in an attemp to try and 'unfog' how I was feeling, but that was last year. I am booked in to see one on Friday. I have suggested that we both see one individually but he has yet to make the arrangments, and then go to group sessions together. This way he can offload without me being around and then come together.
I am walking on egg shells a little bit, I dont want to make the appointment for him. If he wants to make this work he has to make some kind of an effort to show me so. Also, me making the appointment might make him feel less in control which wont help us any.
Your right I do believe he knows we are growing apart physically and emotionally but he doesn't know how or what to do about it and I cant fix it on my own.

It's like the children are the only thing that connects us now.

**mumwithdaughters** · 11-08-2011 06:32 PM

I attended my first counselling session and had mixed feelings afterwards.

The counsellor told me I was causiing alot of the problems because I "pause" the arguements. She doesn't seem to think that yelling abuse at each other in front of the children is a problem.......? I understand that children do need to be exposed to some level of dispute resolution but full blown screaming?

I told him I went (didnt run through what was said of course) and he didnt even comment and didnt even raise an eyebrow.

How can I make him want to go?

**Crystalblue** · 11-09-2011 05:59 AM

That's the whole problem with free will. Lol. You can't make anyone do, or want to do, anything. That's why we fight and argue. It can be so frustrating to have someone not understand the damage they're doing to us. Or worse, understand but do it anyways. That's why communication is important. It's the only way to relay your hurt and frustration and what caused it. I hope things get easier for you. It sounds like you're doing what you can to make progress. That's all you can do is work on your end. If nothing changes, all that's left is to make your own changes.

**mumwithdaughters** · 11-20-2011 05:45 PM

Thanks Crystalblue and congrats on being poster of the month for October.

**caterpillar79** · 11-20-2011 07:48 PM

Originally Posted by Crystalblue

That's the whole problem with free will. Lol. You can't make anyone do, or want to do, anything. That's why we fight and argue. It can be so frustrating to have someone not understand the damage they're doing to us. Or worse, understand but do it anyways. That's why communication is important. It's the only way to relay your hurt and frustration and what caused it. I hope things get easier for you. It sounds like you're doing what you can to make progress. That's all you can do is work on your end. If nothing changes, all that's left is to make your own changes.

Crystalblue is right. There is no way you can make a person do something if he doesn't want to. In addition to working on your end, keep seeing a counselor. If you don't feel like this current counselor is not the one who would be able to help you with your problems, find another, don't stop looking for one. At the same time, try to redefine the way you perceive things. In most situations, that is the only thing we can do.

How are your kids handling it when they see your conflicts? Do they manifest some anger or other behaviors that may affect the way they handle everyday life? Be watchful of them, maybe, they too, need some counseling. I work a lot with students who have so much anger in them and they cannot handle simple day-to-day school work. And I look at their parents - they are always fighting.

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