How to deal with an almost cheating husband...

**ALO826** · 10-09-2011 10:08 AM

I found out a few months ago that my husband was talking to a student of his...I found out when I went to use our computer and there was a message from this girl on his Facebook account. First, I don't want anyone to think that he is a pedophile or anything, he was 25 and she was 18, but none the less, still his student. I wound up reading the messages that they sent back and forth and they were nothing inappropriate, just simple flirting, not even any talk of feelings or anything. I confronted him as soon as I saw it because I was sick to my stomach that the girl would tell someone that my husband was giving her attention and people would think that he was laid off because of an inappropriate relationship with a student (yes, my husband was laid off a few months before this happened but still had to finish out the school year).

He apologized, said it was absolutely nothing, that all it did was give him an ego boost because someone was interested in him. My husband and I have been together since we were 16 and 17...he didn't really ever date before me, not that it's an excuse, but I know I've been in situations where another guy has given me attention and yea, we're all only human and it makes us feel good. So he said he would stop talking to her and I never told anyone, not even my best friend because I was too embarrassed and I really didn't want to talk about it. Fast forward until two days ago...my best friend gets a hold of my husband because she has found out about him talking to the girl and she wanted to know if I knew about it. Come to find out, to make my story short...a teacher asked my cousin if my husband was fired because of an inappropriate relationship with a student, she told her sister who works with the student and she confronted her. The girl showed my cousin emails that my husband sent her. This was back in August. And I found out that after he said he stopped talking to her, he continued to do so for another month.

I read all the emails and they don't point to anything physical, only talking about how they had feelings for each other but that it would never go anywhere. They would email about dreams they had of one another, talk of meeting up but then it never happening. I was so hurt back in June, and now I find out he lied to me about stopping all communication. I know nothing happened physically, but I am still sick about it. He told me it meant nothing, only a boost to his ego, like a high school crush. He swears he loves me and wants to fix our broken trust. I love him more than anything and we have a two year old daughter...I just needed to know how others would deal with it.

**Crystalblue** · 10-09-2011 11:49 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't compare that hurt with anything else I've ever felt. The feeling of rejection and betrayal was suffocating, like everything I felt for my husband had been used and everything he said he felt for me had been I lie. It's hard to see anything that causes feelings like that as a simple ego boost. It's not justifiable. The fact that he kept doing it when he said it had stopped makes it even worse.

The first thing I had to decide was if I wanted to work on our relationship. I did a lot of writing and praying. Then I had to decide if I thought he wanted to work on the relationship. A continuous pattern of lying and treating you like your feelings don't matter, is not a good sign that he wants to work things out. Actions speak louder than words. My husband did this too, and it didn't stop until I showed him that I knew everything he was doing and I was ready to walk before I allowed myself to be taken for granted and used as a door mat. That was the first thing we took care of. I let him know I was hurt, I knew what he was doing, and I loved myself enough to leave.

After we decided to try and work things out, I spent a lot of time on here and went through a lot of up and downs. I wrote a lot trying to work through everything that was going on inside. I think the most important advice I got was to go out and refind yourself. Do things that make you laugh. Get together with friends. Learn something new. I think part of it, is losing something inside and filling it with something positive. It's good advice whether you plan on staying with him or not.

If your asking if you should work things out, only you know which is best for you. If your asking if you can, of course. It's not easy, but you can get past this and build a better relationship with your husband.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-09-2011 01:51 PM

I admire the woman above me

I'd listen to her. Her journey with us at least has been amazing...

Girls get crushes on their teachers all the time. Imagine, they are just budding, just getting out there, seeking that word "love"..The teacher, is married, knows the word "love".. They idolise the "picture" and wish they were his wife, there, in that situation, naturally the teacher to them in addition is cute, or sexy... Understandably hormones and crushes are built on more than a picture.

I imagine myself back in those days

I too had a crush on a teacher and he was engaged...He actually, also didn't take it further, but he flirted back and that just made me flirt more and more, hide make-up, put it on, take it off before I got home... I was so infactuated, I found out where he played squash, went down there, found out where he lived, because he hinted it and one day he asked if I was a Virgin, I was, so he said he wouldn't do anything

Nice guy huh

The bottom line, is, it is an ego boost but each flirty reaction given back to a teenager, makes her believe in picket fences. This is the bit he didn't/doesn't understand... A crush at that age, is "love" and obsession...

He is / was feeding his ego at the expense of breaking a young girls heart that would, trust me, believe he must like her, have feelings for her, you say that transpired in the messages....Only to break her heart...

So he fed his own ego not understanding? Or caring, what this girl would go through, she is not an Adult per-say, she would be dreaming her dreams night after night, like we do as little girls over a character, a princess we want to be like...

Explain that to him, let him see the damage that he would have done to this girl and the non-trust issues she will now have in men, or the clinging onto anyone hereafter because she was so badly, in the end rejected to what she thought was going to be that picked fence.

I think if his reaction to all of that is "shirt", I thought it was harmless, my ego, I really did" then I think you know that he is telling the truth and won't do it again....If he just blows that off, laughs, then in my opinion, he doesn't care for anyone but himself and needs a reality check, such as, you being you, looking after you, him seeing the woman he has, could one day not be there herself, because she loves herself and respects herself more....

Then he may realise that ego is a dirty word.....one that you do NOT play with.

**ALO826** · 10-10-2011 09:52 AM

My biggest thing now, is how to deal. How to deal with my feelings of hurt and betrayal. We spent a whole day going between silence and me yelling, him crying and apologizing. I believe he wants to be with me and that he wants to work on our relationship. I guess I just don't know how to do that. We definitely don't have the extra cash flow right now to seek therapy. I have, like you mentioned, tried doing things on my own and being with my friends. I took another job, before I knew about the continuing conversations they had over the summer, and it helps to take my mind of it. But then I find myself thinking about it as soon as my mind is available. I don't want to move on like nothing happened, but I also don't want to rehash it everyday. That's why I searched the internet for a forum like this, to talk with people that are not in my life, to vent my feelings and seek advice from those that might have been in my position before.

I have a confession, one that I shared with him back in June when I first found out they were talking. Our senior year of college, I was that girl that had a crush on my teacher (the teacher in the classroom where I was student teaching). He showed interest and we actually hung out a few times, and we did kiss. At the time, my husband and I were still dating, not engaged and didn't have children. We took a short break because I told him I felt like we were more like roommates then in a relationship with one another. Back in June I confessed and told him because I knew the position he was in. Where my ego felt great because someone was showing interest in me. I feel like I owe it to him to work on this, not only because I love him, not only because we have a daughter, but because I can imagine myself in a similar situation. But I do also feel like his situation was a little more complex and hurtful because of the fact that we are married and have a child and because the relationship that could have been between him and the student, was illegal (even though she was 17, he was still her teacher). It's the idea that our lives can be ruined if this spreads in the community.

I am finding myself distancing from him. Not wanting to kiss him goodnight, not wanting to have him see me laugh. I don't want him to think that I am just going to forgive and forget. In the future, I want to forgive and forget but it is so fresh right now. Before I found out about him continuing to talk to her we were contemplating moving to find better work opportunities. And right now, I feel like moving might be a fresh new start for us. But wouldn't that be just running away from it all? I guess I am just still really hurt and confused.

**Crystalblue** · 10-10-2011 03:53 PM

It takes time to put a relationship back together. It's normal to want to pull away. Your defenses are up, and you're trying to keep from being hurt anymore.

I had a hard time dropping the subject and leaving it alone. I think most of it was me still having so many unanswered questions, but it is important to get to a place where you don't have to keep talking about it. After you've talked everything out, it's just pouring salt on an open wound.

It may be important to think about what was missing from y'alls relationship when this happened. I had noticed with my husband and I that we had drifted apart over the years. We weren't spending quality time with each other having fun. Think about where your relationship was at and if there's anything there y'all may need to improve for a stronger relationship. I had to push with my husband to get him to understand why it was so important to me that we get out of the house and do things together. For what ever reason, there was a weak spot.

Mainly, I just kept trying. It didn't get better right away, but I made steady progress, with a few bad days here and there. Get out as much as you can and don't hesitate to leave your emotions here. Writing everything out helps soooo much.

**gccg** · 10-11-2011 12:46 PM

I hate to be negative but watch him closely if you plan to s tay with him. My husband showed signs here in there in our long marriage (20 yrs), that he was capable of cheating but I kept thinking positive. We have been together since the age of 17. Now at 38, he has been lieing to me about his work schedule for two yrs and has called on two women that I know of. One of which was a full fledge affair. Meeting every Friday night for months.
After a of a seperation, I decided to give it another try, and he has been trying. I am full of depression, and humiliation.
I feel that maybe if I would have paid more attention to the signs back then we may have seeked counseling or communicated better, maybe he would have divorced me before cheating. Please keep communication lines open.