What defines domestic violence???

**kscshell** · 10-19-2011 08:39 AM

Ok.. here is my story.... My fiance' and I had a fight before I went to work.. he was still very mad then I went to work.. and so was I.. when I got off of work that day I called him to see if he had gotten over it and he had NOT.. So I made the decision to not stay at his house that night, but I did need to get my cell phone charger.. against my better judgment I went out there.... He was still mad and so was I... When I got out there to get my stuff he started calling me names and I quickly went into the house to get my things... I got my things and quickly exited his house...As I was walking out of his house I noticed his beer sitting on the driveway unopened and I kicked it.. not hard.. just enough to move it about 3 feet... it really mad him made and he pushed me with both hands in the back and I fell down. I skinned my elbow and it was bleeding, and it hurt my shoulder and also knocked my glasses off my face. I got up and left. When I got to my car I called the police and long story short.. he went to jail.
So that is the event..... Now.... we are dealing with the aftermath... UGH! So he is charged with Domestic Violence... and it is going to cost him around $3,000 to take care of this... He is soo mad at me.. for calling the cops.... He does NOT see that he shouldn't have pushed me and his part in this.... He just keeps saying if I just would not have came out to the house.. and kicked his beer NONE of this would have happened... and if I would have just left and NOT called the cops...
So I do agree that I SHOULD NOT have came out there... I was mad and I knew he was mad.. but I needed my cell phone charger... guess I should have just went and bought another one?? I don't know... I feel guilty for coming out there.. knowing that we would probably get into a fight... Should I have have called the police??? Am I wrong to feel bad??? Please someone help me with these feelings.... I am soo hurt...

**Claret** · 10-19-2011 09:00 AM

Yes, that was domestic violence - or assault, whichever way you look at it. The criminal code of Canada (not so different from the US or other countries) defines assault as:
265. (1) A person commits an assault when

(a) without the consent of another person, he applies force intentionally to that other person, directly or indirectly;

Now, what may be argued in court is that he was provoked by you kicking his property. Doesn't matter one bit that it was only a beer, it was his property and you had no right to kick it.

I would think, that if there is this type of actions on both of your parts, if the fights get to this point, I'd suggest you take a long look at your relationship and ask yourselves whether it's a toxic relationship and whether or not this type of behaviour will escalate.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-19-2011 10:34 AM

Kicking a beer can over is MUCH different than exerting physical force over a human being you KNOW you're stronger than and pushing them to the ground.

Tensions might have been high, but I'm sure I won't be the first to tell you this kind of behavior from his is a HORRIBLE sign. You get in a fight and you can't stop by and pick up something you need without being yelled at and called names? Then as you're being VERBALLY abused, you exhibit some frustration by kicking over a beer and that warrants him pushing you to the ground, not feeling badly and offering to even help you up, then insisting all that time later than he wasn't wrong?

He is paying legal consequences for his actions. There is NOTHING wrong about that. However, that's not going to change the fact that he clearly has this issue of thinking it's okay to physically abuse a woman. The most concerning part about all this is that you're considering marrying this man.

You will minimize this in your head. You already have......but you need not forget what your GUT reaction to his physical abuse was, and it was the RIGHT reaction.

You do NOT want to marry this man.

**LanaBear** · 10-19-2011 04:21 PM

ks... Take a look at your previous threads/posts... Please tell me what it is that is keeping you with this man. If you were to read your previous posts from an outsiders view, what advice would you give this person.

I think you would be best to get out of this relationship. It is unhealthy. Get out and find out what it is like to be in a healthy relationship.

**emmah** · 04-18-2012 11:55 AM

As a person who has been through domestic violence, I can tell you... go far away from this man. They will sometimes try to convince you its your fault or apologize and say it will never happen again. It always does. Do not worry about his legal and financial issues due to this event, this is his problem, he committed an act of violence against you needs to deal with the repercussions. It is never okay for a man to put his hands on a woman in violence. Ever. Please take care of yourself, and find someone who treats you with love and respect. Best Wishes

**Stillness** · 05-01-2012 04:39 PM

Hey kscshell,

I don't know if it's too late to respond here, but I spoke to my buddy the other day who told me that his relationship with his wife changed after she called the police on him and I thought about this thread. I understand how you feel with your man using his strength against you. But, I also could imagine how he feels that you called strangers with guns into a domestic dispute to take his freedom and wealth. I had an idea for what a woman could do to repair the damage if it were me...until I reread this:

Originally Posted by kscshell

He does NOT see that he shouldn't have pushed me and his part in this.

Men want to protect and defend - especially the women dear to us. Anger can make anybody do things out of character, but it's impossible for a man to attack the woman he loves and think it's OK without him being an unbalanced person unable to have a healthy relationship. I think the same for a woman, but it's especially reprehensible for a man. His attitude is worse than him pushing you, in my eyes. If the feelings he had for you were ever good ones, they're not anymore. There's an up side:

A guy borrowed some money from me and didn't pay it back. My dad said, "You bought him for $20." He meant, I found out his character and he wouldn't be able to cause more damage and all it cost me was a few bucks. You could buy this guy for a skinned elbow.

**Don** · 05-01-2012 10:11 PM

Get out now, the cycle of violence only gets worse. It is about men's learned behaviour, paternalistic values, control mentality, superior rights over women etc. and takes a long time to counter... you may admire his strength but this form of it is plain wrong. Women must not tolerate it , becomes particularly bad when combined with alcohol. Punitive measures are essential to wake men up that this behaviour is wrong. Anger is ok but choice of response is his, ie. needs to take responsibility for his actions. There is plenty of information around, just google your questions... have a look at link edited

**Don** · 05-01-2012 10:17 PM

If you go back to him you are sending him the message that you don't mind being assaulted ... If you love someone you would never do them any harm ...

**Teelana** · 05-02-2012 06:51 PM

This thread just jumped out at me. In short, Don said it all. I've thankfully never been in an abusive situation with a partner (man) but I knew abuse as a child. Bottom line is physical threats violence is never an answer. Neither are scare tactics. I truly hope by now you are in a safer and better place. Take care.