Disconnected marriage

**disconnected1** · 10-25-2011 10:13 AM

Hello-

I need some advice. I have been married for 8 years with two beautiful children, 6 & 2.
I have a seemingly normal life but am not sure if I'm just bored or if my marriage is in big trouble.
My husband is a decent guy but very shut down emotionally. He shows no interest in me. He never calls to ask how I am doing. He comes home from work and hugs and kisses the children and barley says hello to me. We have had sex maybe 2 in the last year. He NEVER asks for it. He will make comments that he is not getting sex but never initiates it. It seems to me he would rather pleasure himeself than have sex with his wife. There is no emotion involved this way. I caught him viewing porn several times on my work computer. I told him to stop but he continued until I put a watchdog on the computer. The last time we had sex there was no foreplay and when he was done he says, "wow, feels like I am cheating on my hand". He never compliments me or appreciates anything I do. I work full time, coordinate everything in the household, take care of all finances and have dinner on the table when he arrives home. He does help out somewhat with laundry and tidying up and loves his children. He has a decent job and is usually home by 6. Like most women will say, I expected him to grow up. Which I suppose means I expected him to change. I used to show him attention, but it was not returned. I showed him affection, but it was not returned. I showed him respect, but it was not returned. He had financial responsibility, but it was abused. I put him on a pedestal, but I was never put there. We do not scream or fight we are just disconnected. The emotional love is empty.
He got a DUI and contined the heavy drinking. He put 13K on a credit card behind my back that I paid off. He chews tobacco and has tried 8 times to quit but cannot stop. I know that I am not perfect. I do not claim to be, but I also feel as if I am married to a man that is not my partner. What should I do? Are my expectations too high?
Thank you.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 10-25-2011 10:28 AM

Lordy no....I think your expectations have been too low.

He has a decent job = he SHOULD, this is an expectation, not a perk
He loves his kids = he SHOULD, again...sort of expected
He helps somewhat with laundry = Do you view this as him doing you a favor? Does he not dirty up laundry? Are the kids dirtying up laundry not equally his?

It sounds like communication in your relationship is non-existant. But on your part, I can't say I blame you. One can only try so hard. It sounds as if he is lazy, complacent and not willing to put in his fair share much less anything above that.

I would recommend counseling at this point. But no, your expectations of your husband, of your lover, are not too high.

**disconnected1** · 10-25-2011 10:54 AM

Thank you Beautiful Disaster. When I was 27 I met this man. He was basically the same guy; he drank, he chewed he was irresponsible with money. He was in a band and put his band members before me even then. So now that I am pushing 40 I see that my expectations were too low then. I was insecure and told myself we are young, he will grow up. He will love me when the band is done. At that time we were going out having fun and a lot of sex. I was taking care of him, I didn't mind, I loved him. I was puting him first and it was almost as if I was fighting for his attention. Now, 13 years later not much has changed except for the fact that I'm tired. I'm taking care of 2 children and a household. My love tank has dried up and if it was not for the children I believe I would move on. The last thing I want is to put my children through a divorce. I am a child of divorce and it was extremly difficult. I am financially able to survive. I have a great job. There is alot of fear on my part. He has said to me, this is who I am. I am who you married. He is right. However, I also feel I have the right to be happy. And I don't think he will change.
Another comment...you are right on. I do feel as if he is doing me a favor by helping out. It's rediculous really. He tells me "you know what other men are doing right now? watching football not folding laundry".

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-25-2011 02:45 PM

I wrote on your other thread...

Like I stated there, he had those addictions before he met you..It seems that he also showed alot of emotional disconnection before you two married as well...

In-security often leads us to settle in life with someone we just really aren't compatible with, what they can give out is not what we want, need...but we go ahead and marry anyway...

And, we all think that we can change someone and in that, they will love us for it.. We can't unless they want to.

Emotional disconnection "my ex also did" his addictions were his motorbike / s and cars and toy cars and he did jack shirt too whilst I worked full time, attended to the house, cooking, gardens, washing, even the rubbish bins.... Gahhh.. I couldn't change him...you can't change your husband...

Sex is the core of emotions for alot of women, they think that is "love" he finds me attractive, wow... And, you took care of him financially I am betting as he couldn't for himself then, the "love" made you think it will all come back to you...

I understand that we also don't want to be or do things that we didn't like as children but ask yourself this, can you live 10 more years like this? He obviously does know the word love, he adores his children and gives them all the attention and love "you don't get" there is a problem like I said, from his past as to why he can love but not a woman..

He is right, you did know exactly what his personality was like and habits before marrying him... People right or wrong have the right to be themselves.

But, when married they have the obligation to view the other persons thoughts and see if there is a compromise as you are two people, trying to be one.

Lets get one thing straight though... Pftttttt... Only old fashioned men feel that they have the right to watch footy with a beer and relax after work, where the woman, who now by the way, also works these days, has to tend to the entire house, meals and children as well as their job.

And, also I am 48, engaged to a beautiful soul, 2 years now..We live together, we both work.. When I am working overtime on my businesses, he takes over...We share responsibilities, once a week he vacums, he always does the washing, he washes my car once a month with his, attends to the pool. He cooks and does dishes...That leaves me to do the bathrooms, mopping, cooking as well, dishes as well, shopping, dusting, gardens, but even there, he says, "want me to water the garden?" whilst I am busy... I have never been happier in my whole entire life where life partners go, so sex? Yep, I still look him in the eyes with lust and admiration...

I walked and found what I was looking for.

and when he was done he says, "wow, feels like I am cheating on my hand".

OMG if my husband said this to me, I'd scream and tell him to get out.

How did that make you honestly feel?

So now in addition, he has another addiction, porn and masterbation... Or else he was digging at you as he doesn't get sex, and trying to bring you down, make you feel bad which in itself is not nice either.

Look after you, you made a mistake, you knew who he was but hoped...Now he has made it clear, I am who I am, I will watch footy not fold the laundry, I don't need councelling, I will watch porn and masterbate, chew nicotine, drink, rake up credit cards that you will pay off, just like you did when we met, helped me then too.... And you won't leave me, I know that, because of your parents, so I will always be able to come home and see MY kids, thanks ...

I know how the above sounds to me and what I would do.

**KMonte85** · 10-25-2011 02:55 PM

You made a beautiful post to another member here in reference to her marital troubles. I think you should consider taking your own sound advice! Your expectations of your partner are not too high... you are worth much more than this life you're living.

Originally Posted by disconnected1

You are enough. You can breathe. You can see. You can hear. You can walk. You can eat. You are alive. Go from this point and focus on the beauty that you have...

YOU ARE ENOUGH. Don't feel like you must settle with this man for the rest of your life. You deserve that love, attention, and caring that you provided for so many years... you deserve to be put on a pedestal. YOU deserve to be happy.

**disconnected1** · 10-25-2011 03:04 PM

Thank you. I do deserve to be happy. I know this. I am trying to be happy on my own, inside without validation from anyone. Yes I do crave love and want the love of my husband. However, my children adore their father and I hate to pull the rug-out from underneath thier very secure and innocent view of life. 6 and 2 is just too early for my children to feel the sadness that comes from divorce. For them I will sacrifice my own happiness; at least for now. When I decided to have children I decide that no matter what I had to sacrifice I would.

**BabyGirl** · 10-25-2011 08:54 PM

However, my children adore their father and I hate to pull the rug-out from underneath their very secure and innocent view of life. 6 and 2 is just too early for my children to feel the sadness that comes from divorce.

I disagree that they are too " Young ", though there is no "Perfect Age ". It is much easier when they are Young to make changes than when older and can be more " Confused and Rebellious ".

The 2 year old will not know about Divorce or what it means. They will just know that Daddy isn't home every night like he used to be. But on his Visit days or " Daddy's weekend" the love and Quality time will seem even more Special.

The 6 year old should be having School activities, new schoolmates, new interests and also should be able to graduate to and accept that " Daddy's days are So and So Days and Mommies Days are So and So ".
Again with the Individual Special attention of both parents, just at different times.

Right now that 6 year old and 2 year old, aren't getting the Special attention of both parents that are Loving to each other, Oriented in Family Sharing and showing each other closeness and sincere Togetherness.

They are now seeing Daddy work, Mommy Work, each come home, Both " Do their Thing" with them. Maybe no Fights, but kids can feel the Tension and Disconnection in the Family.

This Does Not mean that they are Not Loved, I am sure they are by Both of you .

But..

Don't they DESERVE the Love of a FAMILY ?
With Laughter, Teasing, Snuggles, watching Movies together, Smile from Both Parents and Knowing in their Hearts and Souls, that they have a Combined happiness of both Parents ?

For them I will sacrifice my own happiness; at least for now. When I decided to have children I decide that no matter what I had to sacrifice I would.

On this,while I applaud your Convictions and Beliefs and Dedications. I feel you possibly made the same for when you ever got Married ? And now they are ones that you have learned are not always as things go .

Remember that 10 years from now, when your Kids are 12 and 16,they also will have lived with you, being Unhappy, being there just to not " Pull the Rug out from under them ".

Not Growing,not learning to Love other people.
**
( Meaning Men or Women in your/ Dad or their Lives )

Not Learning to be Loved by other people and You or Daddy not taking a second Chance of Happiness and being a FAMILY.

No Loving, Sharing, Laughing, Giggles and Cuddles on Vacations. Been there haven't you ?

And they will see the same with their Daddy.
Stagnant, Staying for them, Smoking, Chewing Tobaccy, Drinking and even working hard, coming home, saying Hi and then off to whatever he will be Doing in 10 years

Can you see ? Can You Feel ?

Do you want to feel how you are Now or do you want to be happy and feel alive and still keep your " Internal Emotional Promise that you made " If you ever had Kids ?

Honey...

You Have Kids now. It's time that you have a Partner to share life with. You can do it on your own of course.

But when you have a " Dead Love" in your life, holding on to that is like having Head lice and not being Ready to take the Step to Shampoo it out, Comb, Cut , shave and throw away , Toys, Stuffed animals and Refresh with Clean Sheets and Pillow cases and lay your head down on something nice and clean and know that You and they are safe from that Louse ?

It Beats shaving your Heart " Bald "

So with my " Novel " that I usually respond to with my " been There Done That. Now 56 year Young " Opinion.."

Disconnected needs to be Connected.

Do Not stay for the Kids. Stay if YOU are Happy with Him. Those kids will follow and love You as the Mother, Him as the Father. Both if " earned " By Love, Respect, Devotion.

Just remember 10 years ago , what you learned and now what you Feel ?

**aniahunks** · 10-28-2011 02:47 AM

Originally Posted by disconnected1

Hello-

I need some advice. I have been married for 8 years with two beautiful children, 6 & 2.
I have a seemingly normal life but am not sure if I'm just bored or if my marriage is in big trouble.
My husband is a decent guy but very shut down emotionally. He shows no interest in me. He never calls to ask how I am doing. He comes home from work and hugs and kisses the children and barley says hello to me. We have had sex maybe 2 in the last year. He NEVER asks for it. He will make comments that he is not getting sex but never initiates it. It seems to me he would rather pleasure himeself than have sex with his wife. There is no emotion involved this way. I caught him viewing porn several times on my work computer. I told him to stop but he continued until I put a watchdog on the computer. The last time we had sex there was no foreplay and when he was done he says, "wow, feels like I am cheating on my hand". He never compliments me or appreciates anything I do. I work full time, coordinate everything in the household, take care of all finances and have dinner on the table when he arrives home. He does help out somewhat with laundry and tidying up and loves his children. He has a decent job and is usually home by 6. Like most women will say, I expected him to grow up. Which I suppose means I expected him to change. I used to show him attention, but it was not returned. I showed him affection, but it was not returned. I showed him respect, but it was not returned. He had financial responsibility, but it was abused. I put him on a pedestal, but I was never put there. We do not scream or fight we are just disconnected. The emotional love is empty.
He got a DUI and contined the heavy drinking. He put 13K on a credit card behind my back that I paid off. He chews tobacco and has tried 8 times to quit but cannot stop. I know that I am not perfect. I do not claim to be, but I also feel as if I am married to a man that is not my partner. What should I do? Are my expectations too high?
Thank you.

It's definitely not too high. Your expectations, are just an expectations of a normal, simple wife. There's no spark with your relationship. Both of you should talk about this.