DANIDOLL

First of all I want advice on handle this issue or to help my husband with it. My husband and I had a huge fight last night. When we first started dating he told me he had had been very into porn when he was younger. I pushed it aside since he told me he was over it. Well I have been reading alot of these posts about my husband watches porn and all that so I brought it up to him... we talked about what he use to like,how much he watched, when he got caught. We were very open,my understanding was that he was through with it and he told me no he didnt watch porn. Then when I asked him if he would lie about it he laughed..the kind where you know they are hiding something. So I asked if he has been watching it since we got married... i could understand if he had before because we were not sleeping together at the time. and since then i have been very open and willing to try anything and everything and asked him on several occasions what he likes/wants.The point is he told me he didnt want to tell me because then he wouldnt be perfect in my eyes and that he was struggling with it and he thoguht he had gotten it under control to just once a month. Now here is my question. How do i help him. he tells me he feels guilty and repulsed and they its the "lie" that if he looks a little deeper he will find what he is looking for. How do I help him turn from the temptation? I dont want answers like live with it and all guys watch porn because my husband and i are both comitted to fixing this and he doesnt want to watch porn and have an addiction which is the way he not I sees it. Thanks Dani Doll

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whilhelm

i'm so glad to see you aren't willing to accept the lie that you just have to accept this - and that HE doesn't have to accept it.

i know exactly how he feels. i think the key is for him - or both of you - to find out what's driving him to need it. it's probably not about sex. as you said, you have provided that. sometimes it's problems with intimacy - problems he may not even know about. most porn addicts trace their childhoods - not to abuse, really - but to unintentional negligence of something that was important. maybe his father didn't show him affection. maybe his mother didn't let him breathe.

if he would ever agree to see a counselor, i'd recommend it for both of you - and just him.

i don't know if you guys are religious. if so, i'd have some specific recommendations.

one thing i can say with certainty: i've never seen someone overcome the temptation long-term by simply "white-knuckling" the problem. sheer willpower is important & to some degree his ability to keep from looking at porn will come down to discipline. like deciding not to eat something specific. it's hard & everyone around is barking about how great it is & it's more and more accepted.

but willpower only goes so far. it's just too accessible. it's too easy. people don't have to go around looking for porn anymore - it comes to find you. you have to take some steps in addition to just forcing your way through.

some people recommend programs - there are several 12 step programs out there specifically designed to help people tear themselves away from porn.

i recommend finding somebody - again, i don't know what kind of circles you guys run in. does he have a friend or a guy who can be a mentor that would walk with him on this a little bit? i know some guys wouldn't understand why it was a problem, much less see the need to do something radical like try to break free - he just needs someone who will understand & care enough to call him a few times a week, when he's alone.

this is a great website. it's decidedly religious, but it's passionate about helping guys live without porn & helping wives understand the process:

Blazing Grace: Sex addiction - porn addiction - pornography - recovery

i'd love to help but i don't want to be obnoxious - i've been pretty vocal about this on here the last few days.

whilhelm

another thought: do you see how his need to be perfect in your eyes may indicate a little of what the problem could be for him?

why does he think he has to perfect to you? do you demand that? have you told him that? (those are rhetorical)

so he's got some kind of pressure, maybe self-induced, to be perfect in the eyes of his wife.

how perfect does he have to be for the images he uses in porn? no pressure, no responsibility, no effort on his part. just pleasure, escape & release.

it would be heavenly for a guy who felt the need to be perfect in his relationships, wouldn't it?

tough for a wife - you're supposed to be his pleasure & escape & release.

just a thought - it could be something like that driving him. something he isn't even aware of - something you aren't even responsible for or have any control over.

make any sense?

DANIDOLL

Well as far as being religious goes yes we are and very involved in our church for the most part. And I would love for him to go find a counselor or have some one to talk to but he isnt willing to go as far as tellign someone else not even a friend. The way I understand it he thinks of this as a big dark side secret he doesnt want anyone to know about not me and not his friends. He claims to even want to deny it to himself sometimes. I feel like there this is tearing him apart as much as me but we just dont know how to tackle the problem seeing as neither of us has dealt with this before. He doesnt talk alot about feelings and emotional stuff so for himt o be so torn up about this makes me know he does feel bad about it and is really trying...

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DANIDOLL

I know what your saying about him needing to be perfect and I pointed out to him yesterday that by trying to be perfect he isnt he is creating a facade. he told me that Im to good for him and he is striving to be good enough that I am perfect in his eyes. That does us both a disserves and I let him know that. But how does he get over that? Understanding that being perfect doesnt matter and I would never expect that of him. I married him because I love him with the faults as well..he just has to share the faults so that I can accept them?

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whilhelm

there's the ultimate issue - and obstacle. isn't it amazing how it mirrors our relationship to God? we just can't accept that he actually loves us sometimes. yet he does, without condition. scripture says that marriage reflects God's relationship with his church - ups & downs.

my wife felt the same way. she just wasnt able to understand why i couldn't be open, when she was so willing to receive - when she loved me no matter what.

he's fighting a terrible battle, sounds like. i really wouldn't think it's you, though - that's what might be so frustrating for you. you are probably the object of it now, because you have become the most important person in his life, the one who can hurt him most, or love him most. or both.

but often it began with the person who originally was the most important in his life - who had the power to grant/withhold love, to make him feel like the world was OK or it was ending - his mother.

i wouldn't want to go too far psychoanalyzing people i don't know - i'm not that talented, even if i were that qualified, which i'm not.

so, back to the battle, the trap. he caught compulsively doing something he desperately doesn't want to do, and he doesn't know why it's so hard to avoid it.

but the shame involved - which is often a mask, by the way (the shame is often what he feels - but it is rooted not in actual shame, but in the fear of being rejected, unloved, whatever) - makes him terrified to expose it to anyone. and exposure is the only way to get better.

so he's trapped without the hope of fixing it - which makes him need it more, which adds to shame, and so on.

i will tell you that if he's anything like me, he's mortified at the thought of sharing this, even though you already know & you want to help. i can't emphasize it enough. utter terror.

if he would bite the bullet & just go tell a counselor - it would take the edge off a lot. make sharing it that much easier. even though he knows in his mind that nothing's going to happen, there's still a frightened little boy fear that makes us feel like the heavens will fall if someone sees our secret. he could even tell someone on the phone - a stranger on a hotline. it's like breaking the ice.

he's probably also afraid of what would be next - if i admit to using porn, then they'll start asking what kind of porn (more terror & shame). then they'll start asking how often (terror, shame).

and the ultimate fear at the bottom of the whole heap: when they see the whole picture, they'll tell me something's wrong with me.

he hears stories of other guys who've struggled - but still in his mind, his problem is unlike anyone elses. he's still alone & still in danger of being looked at differently by you, even though you tell him otherwise. it's just not easy to accept.

there's a great book that was recently published: Amazon.com: The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction: Books: Mike Genung,Eva Marie Everson


another site:
Higher-Calling.com

you guys can download mp3's of radio shows & talk regarding the issue here:
Pure Sex Radio ? MP3 Downloads

DANIDOLL

Thank you so much for your help. You have given me things to think about and talk about with my husband. I dont know how its all going to work out but I must say talking or writing whichever to you has calmed me down and made me not as sad but rather determine not to let this destroy our marriage but to make it stronger. I dont know how he is going to respond to what i have to say or the suggestions I give but I'm looking at it not so much as a me thing now but as a trial he is dealing with that WE need to work on together and not have HIM battle it alone. Thank you so much i cant tell you how much you have helped me see things in a diffrent light. last night I was hurt so much , now Im determine to not let this get us down or me down. It would be so much easier if i could blame it on someone or be able to say it must have been his relationship with his mom. But I cant. she passed away a year before we started dating. Very unexpectedly and very young in life, my husband is only 24. He doesnt talk about his mom often and i dont ask which i guess makes me the remiss one. You have put me on a diffrent thought proccess and now instead of wallowing i can take action. Thank you

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whilhelm

as soon as he gets on that same page you guys will kick this problem -

i'll be praying for you both.

blessings -

DANIDOLL

Well I talked to my husband last night after work. We sat down and talked about how i wasnt going to let this ruin our marriage and that i married him for better or for worse and this just the worse right now,or so it seems. He liked the idea of me helping him and this becoming an us thing and not a him thing. He said it would be hard for him to share somethings with me because he does feel shame and terror ( like you pointed out) when i ask him questions. But he agreed that asking questions is one of the best things i can do for him right now. I dotn want to be nagging or spying and he agrees that he doesnt want that either but that if I ask him once a week or so if he was tempted or if he watched porn this week he will be kept responsible. That by asking it will become easier for him to offer up the information later on down the road.We are going to try this and when he is tempted ask questions like what tempted you this time. what made you stop or what made you continue? hopefully this will allow us to identify the things that we need to work on or the best course of action. hopefully this will all work.

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whilhelm

glad to hear things went well. i think it's really inspirational to see how great you guys communicate.

everyone's different. for me, the key has been finding out what triggers me to do it, more than what makes me not do it.

but initially - like most guys in this boat - i stopped & started a thousand times. the more hidden you keep the secret, the better able you are to get into that cycle. i don't think i did it on purpose - but i always kept an "out" for myself when i would put it all away. my out was that i never took on an accountability partner. i always decided to clean it up on my own. i didn't want my wife to even know that i had anything to clean up, so i never involved her. i just wanted to grab the wheel and drive on my own.

that kept in in a pocket of secrecy. even in trying to do better, i was hiding. so when the temptation came, there was nothing holding me accountable but my own will power. no one to answer to, in other words.

a couple of things made me sit up & pay attention. one was just the overwhelming desire to want to be the man my wife deserved. i had been a great husband, for all she knew, i just kept this one thing a secret. the more i imagined her heartbreak and dismay if she ever learned what i was doing behind her back - the more i realized, "hey, this isn't just something you are imagining. you ARE actually that person you would be horrified for your wife to think you are."

i was doing everything - working very hard & under lots of stress - to build an image for her to see. but the thing i desperately wanted her to NOT think i was - that was exactly who i was. it made me feel horrible.

i would read - even on this site - the countless stories of the women who would tear their hearts out over this issue. and i just couldn't imagine my beautiful wife having to be one of those women. it felt like i was throwing her in the garbage. it inspired me to do what i could to become a better man - out of love for her.

it also was the result of my faith - i can't help but include that, though it's hard for some on this forum to deal with. i can't possibly separate that from this issue. even more important that any love i have for my wife is the love i have - supposed to have - for God. i remember hearing that your mind can't do 2 things at once - refering to the verse about serving God & mammon, either you will hate the one & love the other, etc.

i realized that the jeckel/hyde phenomenon had to stop. in fact, i realized it didn't even exist. it was a lie. i wasn't 2 people. i wasn't the believer on one day & the porn user the next day.

i was just the porn user. i was lying to myself that i could do both. i was just easing my conscience by doing all of the outward faith stuff. really, inside, i was just the porn user - willfully doing something i knew hurt God, robbed me of my intimacy with both Him & my wife, and supporting an industry i believe destroys people.

it was an easy lie to tell - since God wouldn't shout at me the next day to remind me how i felt. and an easy one to believe, since i had such a strong desire to look at porn.

i understood that, "oh it's OK, you can disobey God tonight & ask forgiveness tomorrow. He won't like it, but He'll be OK with it" - i finally let it sink in that i was absolutely mocking God, making a fool of Him.

not only was i not loving Him, but i was taunting Him - there are real consequences to that. i didn't want to face those.

then, finally, i allowed myself to experience the true guilt associated with supporting such a destructive, wicked industry. i hope to have kids one day. i imagine the horror that a father would experience, knowing his little girl - at the age of 18 (folks on here would really be offended, maybe. i don't mean it patronizingly, but 18?? they're children) - that she was being treated the way i saw girls being treated in porn. the more you get involved in consuming it, the more obvious it becomes - the producers thrive on the girls being messed up. they're misguided, confused, sometimes desperate. often doing what they can to make $ or get attention or avoid hurtful relationships at home - whatever.

i imagined that i had a daughter - a daughter who meant the whole world to me, and she was lost, hurting, confused & mixed up in porn - and that there might be some decent, bill-paying christian man out there who, because he didn't have the balls to look himself in the eyes, just couldn't resist sitting in front of his computer & getting off on watching her take abuse. absue that would alter her forever. abuse that would scar her ability to be intimate, scar her view of herself and of men in general.

and most importantly, hinder her ability to be in a relationship with God.

i finally understood it for exactly what it was - i didn't HAVE to look at porn, i WANTED to look at porn. my self gratification was NOT more important than the life of even one lost girl. there was no excuse for me to be OK with using her painful, humiliating sitauion to get off - then fold up the laptop & return to my wonderbread life.

i could go on -

basically, i needed accountability, needed to deepen my relationship with God, and needed to exert a little more willpower than i had before.