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Thread: Feeling inadequate as a woman.

  1. #1
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    Smile Feeling inadequate as a woman.


    I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have two kids together,
    I used to think that our sex life was great for both of us and there were no secrets between us we have a pretty active sex life, we have sex more than 10 times a week or more maybe if we have a chance. Some times I don't orgasm because we are in a rush or what ever I have been totally okay with this no complaints at all because I am satidfied with knowing I pleased him.

    Anyways last week my husband was viewing porn on our computer I used to think it wouldn't bother me but it got to me I started to question my self does this mean he is not attractive to me any more? is this what he wishes I looked like? am I not satisfying him? does he think of them when he sleeps with me?

    I confronted him on the issue and he said get over it, he said that he was going on those sites to find different positions and ideas on how to satisfy me cause it bothers him when I don't cum he also said he is sorry he has offended me and if it bothers me he won't do it.

    But it got me to thinking why could he not be open with me why not tell me he would like to try new things etc?

    I am trying to "get over it" but I am still confused and hurt by the fact that he would hide it from me instead of bringing up the issue.

    He said he loves me and I please him but he is not verbal about it I have to ask him did that please you etc,

    We discussed having more communication about sex but it seems like it's more me being open I have asked what he likes he says he likes everything I do he says that even being near me excites him or if I touch his body non sexually.

    I have made the decision to watch porn with him only if he is willing to do it together and not go behind my back.....



    I just can't help feel betrayed for some reason though and I hate feeling this way because I love my husband very much; I guess the problem lies that I thought everything was okay in our love life. He says he never jerked off to it but I am not stupid lol I know it had to excite him.


    Has anybody else went through this and what did you do?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array JubesInquest's Avatar
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    Never been through that, but your husband may very well be addicted to what he's been watching.

    Now he's not gonna stop b/c you found him out.

    He tpld you to "get over it" -- but you have a point: if his watching was all about what he could do for [I][you, /I] why keep it from you?

    He doesn't have to hide it from you if it was for your benefit--as he says.

    I think he's addicted and, in his own way, ashamed you busted him; so he told YOU to get over it.

    If he hasn't complained and said he's dissatified with you, then it seems to me you've done all you can about the matter.
    Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

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    Quote Originally Posted by JubesInquest View Post
    Never been through that, but your husband may very well be addicted to what he's been watching.

    Now he's not gonna stop b/c you found him out.

    He tpld you to "get over it" -- but you have a point: if his watching was all about what he could do for [i][you, /I] why keep it from you?

    He doesn't have to hide it from you if it was for your benefit--as he says.

    I think he's addicted and, in his own way, ashamed you busted him; so he told YOU to get over it.

    If he hasn't complained and said he's dissatisfied with you, then it seems to me you've done all you can about the matter.

    He has never complained or said he was dissatisfied he claims that it bugs him when I don't get off sometimes and sex is not satisfying for him when I don't have an orgasm so that is why he was going on those sites was to find ways to please me. My issue is that he was going behind my back rather than talking to me honestly about it. In the past he has asked me to watch porn with him to get ideas and I told him I was not comfortable watching it because the women look too fake. I have never been one to say no or be shy but he insists on going behind my back to watch porn to get ideas to please me why not just ask me or why not ask if we can discover new things together.
    Last edited by Christy; 07-13-2007 at 10:59 AM.

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    trust your instincts - they aren't wrong.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Array JubesInquest's Avatar
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    Christy,

    If he really wants to know what pleases you, why doesn't he just ask you?
    All the "imaging" is for himself--and he knows it.
    Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

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    I'm really bothered when the term "addiction" is thrown around so haphazardly. There is nothing at all in the original post that points to addiction. It doesn't sound like his porn viewing was interfering with or substituting for his normal sex life.

    Your husband sounds similar to mine in that he sometimes judges his enjoyment/performance during sex by your orgasm. Despite my repeated explanations to my husband that I can enjoy sex sometimes without orgasming, I can still tell he sometimes feels that he has failed when I don't cum.

    Perhaps your husband felt like this was a reflection on his manhood; that he felt inadequate as a man. But perhaps he didn't want to bring it up to you because then you might feel responsible and pressured to orgasm. So to boost his sexual self esteem, he was hoping to surprise you with his new mind blowing moves.

    Feeling hurt that he went behind your back isn't wrong, but it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship, and if this is an isolated incident, I hope you can give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he really felt like he was trying to do a good thing for you.

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    I think that men do this sometimes because men like to see, whereas women like to talk and get close. Remember as teenager, the boys goal was intercourse whereas the girl just wanted to kiss and make out and be held tight. Men are just different. I don't like the porn stuff, but my husband has always looked at it from time to time. He was angry at me the other day when I asked him about it but mostly he was angry because I was snooping on his computer...which I should be able to do when ever I want, but I have a history of snooping and creating problems within our network that we have at home. He works in information technology so he has all this stuff going and I have a history of disabling them etc. Well the other day I ran across in his history a porn site. He was really angry. I think he was embarrassed as well as angry but he said it is just like buying a playboy which he use to do occasionally when we were younger and I never said anything then so why am I saying anything now. I know that now I am saying something because of how I feel as a women. I was diagnosed with MS 10 years ago and have put on some weight now and I am now 50 years old, so the girls on the porn look a lot better than I do. That makes me feel like I am nothing now. My husband assures me that how I look is in my head and he sees me the same as the day I walked down the isle 33 years ago, but he has always looked at porn from time to time. I think for me, it is my problem more than his because I have changed, he has not. So I am working on this issue. I understand how you feel, and I don't have an answer for you, except trust your instincts. You know if he loves you or not and you know what this porn situation is all about. If it interfers with your marriage you may more of a problem than your self imagine..but you have not determined that as of yet. Best wishes ...Jean

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    Quote Originally Posted by AntiPrincess View Post
    I'm really bothered when the term "addiction" is thrown around so haphazardly. There is nothing at all in the original post that points to addiction. It doesn't sound like his porn viewing was interfering with or substituting for his normal sex life.

    Your husband sounds similar to mine in that he sometimes judges his enjoyment/performance during sex by your orgasm. Despite my repeated explanations to my husband that I can enjoy sex sometimes without orgasming, I can still tell he sometimes feels that he has failed when I don't cum.

    Perhaps your husband felt like this was a reflection on his manhood; that he felt inadequate as a man. But perhaps he didn't want to bring it up to you because then you might feel responsible and pressured to orgasm. So to boost his sexual self esteem, he was hoping to surprise you with his new mind blowing moves.

    Feeling hurt that he went behind your back isn't wrong, but it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship, and if this is an isolated incident, I hope you can give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he really felt like he was trying to do a good thing for you.


    I'm really bothered when the term "addiction" is thrown around so haphazardly. There is nothing at all in the original post that points to addition.


    Why are you bothered? WTF???? A hit dog will holler.

    And if he's not stuck on what he's watching, why is he hiding it from her -- IF she's supposed to benefit from what he's watching?
    And why hasn't he simply asked her what she enjoys?
    Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

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