My Husband Almost Cheated

**JustTired** · 12-01-2011 08:33 PM

I just found out yesterday that my husband has almost cheated on me twice. We have been together for 7 years. We lived together for most of that and just got married 3 months ago. We have never been the type of couple to break up and make up. We have always talked through our problems and communicated pretty well, so I was completely blown away when I found out. Out of all of the general arguments and issues that one goes through when you're with somebody long-term, I have never worried about him cheating.

I logged onto his email acct yesterday to find his work schedule which gets emailed to him weekly (this is not uncommon, nor does it ever bother him). I couldn't find the current schedule and was looking through random folders when I came across 3 emails sent from him to 3 different criagslist ads of women looking to hook up. He is not real tech savvy and did not even know they were on there. The ads were clearly looking for a sexual hook up and he sent his phone number and the name of our town to each person. One even asked "can you meet soon?". All three of these emails were sent within 10 minutes of each other around 5 am the Saturday before we got married. I was back in my home town that weekend doing a final dress fitting for the wedding.

I confronted him and he admitted that he sent them and that he has been wanting to tell me. He said that he got really drunk that night hanging out with friends and when he got home he got on craigslist to look at jobs (he has been doing this a lot lately and its not out of the norm) and he doesn't even know why he looked at the personal ads. He was crying and very distraught, telling me that he has no idea why he did it. None of the women who posted the ads responded and he passed out that night--that was the end of it. I checked and didn't find any other emails and our phone bills confirm that he didn't call or receive calls from unknown numbers. He was scared to tell me before because he didn't want me to call off the wedding.

However, he also came clean about an incident that happened last year. He moved back to our home town last year (2 hrs away) because his father was dying of liver cirrhosis. He moved there to help take care of him until he passed which took about 9 months. Anyway, he works as a bartender at a restaurant and a very attractive, slightly older women left him her room key to a hotel she was staying at near by, as well as her phone number. He texted her back and forth briefly before telling her something along the lines of "I'm sorry I led you on but I'm in a serious relationship and I'm in love." She told him that she's glad he snapped out of it and a few other choice words (good for her!). The whole scenario only lasted about 30-45 minutes.

The past year for us has been crazy, but I never thought that our relationship was suffering. I know that he has very unhappy with his own situation at the time and had a hard time staying with his family, but felt obligated to do it. His family is pretty crazy and has a lot of issues. His self-worth has been pretty much in the toilet over the past few years because he doesn't feel like he has done anything with his life and that he comes from a bad family.

I have no idea what to do now. I am usually a pretty hot-tempered person who doesn't take any , but I don't even feel like I have the energy to be well and truly mad about it. I just feel drained. I told him how upsetting it was for me. He told me he regrets it more than anything else and that he would do anything to keep me in his life--that I am the best thing in his life. I believe that he never fully cheated and that he loves me. But I feel really betrayed and I don't know how to move forward. I told him one thing that he absolutely has to do is start going to counseling and he agreed to do that.

How do I continue with our day to day lives? I don't want to be miserable and feel like I have to punish him every second of the day. But I also don't want him to think that there are no consequences for what he's done. How do I find a middle ground? I haven't lost my temper. I've barely even cried. I feel like I've been punched in my gut. I keep waiting to finally feel really ticked off or even to just start bawling.

**rosekitten** · 12-01-2011 09:31 PM

You don't have to punish him. Look, people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. The fact is, he didn't cheat on you, and he does feel bad for what has happened. If you want to work through it, then do so, but don't go out of your way to punish him just because you want to. Talk to him about why it happened, and what you two can do together to try and work things out. Love isn't about punishing someone because they hurt you, it's about learning to work through those problems and try and solve them. Talk to him about why he did it. Working at a bar, flirting from a bartender is pretty normal, it's how you get better tips. You've said he's under a lot of stress from home and family, and that he has low self-worth. It's quite possible that both incidences were simply so that he could feel that he still had some value, but he also had enough love for you to not cheat on you. If he's already depressed with things in life, just punishing him to make him feel bad is just... wrong. It will likely push him further away from you, too.

You ask how to continue on with your daily lives... have you considered just forgiving him? If he's feeling like he isn't worth much, your relationship might be better helped simply by loving him, and forgiving his mistakes. Is what he did right? No, not in the least. But, as I said, nobody is perfect, and you should be happy that he actually feels bad for what has happened.

**JustTired** · 12-01-2011 09:51 PM

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond because he asked me not to tell our family/friends and I really just need a place to vent and get some friendly advice. I agreed to that because I know how easy it is to judge a relationship from the outside without truly understanding and I don't want to create hard feelings between any of our family/friends and him. Just to be clear--I have no intention of trying to punish him, I was just trying to describe the place that I am at. I know that I don't want to punish him--that would make us both miserable and would not be any help towards fixing this. However, I also don't want to act like it never happened. I don't think that would be productive either. I have considered just forgiving him, but if I'm honest with myself, I didn't consider it very seriously. When I read your post, it made me reconsider that. I guess I am just struggling with that because I feel like if I don't do anything but forgive him, I'm just setting myself up to be taken advantage of. Ultimately, I know that he wouldn't take advantage of me forgiving him, but its a hard thing to forgive somebody who has betrayed your trust.

**rosekitten** · 12-01-2011 11:18 PM

I can understand that. However, I'd also let him know that while you forgive him, those actions aren't acceptable. Forgiving him, and just giving him full trust again aren't the same thing. That will take time and effort.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-02-2011 02:11 AM

You may be a toughy and stand up for what you believe in, but when true, raw emotions come to play, it honestly is different, you are human.

Men have emotions too, funny, we don't often see them and we forget .. Like being there for 9 months for someone you've known for 20, 30 years who you love deeply...Sometimes you do turn to alcohol and sometimes comfort if it's not there, anything that can be "different" to ease the pain, words sometimes do not help..Or people he knows that will say "it's okay" because it isn't.

Not in their mind, they are hurting.

We under-estimate the mind of humans and often just say women have emotions, not true.

Also love is real... But, a man also needs, a smile, a kiss on the head, you look sexy, I love you, words to make him believe he is important in your life.

People are human they can stray without meaning to...He didn't go the full way, always see the positive, this man truly loves you.

Look deaply, into that word love and make it your job, both of you to make sure the togetherness in every aspect is always there.

CW

**JustTired** · 12-02-2011 05:01 PM

Thank you both for your responses. I realize I wrote a novel up there, but I was worried that you couldn't understand the full picture without all of the details. Even though it will be hard for me to let this go, you both seem to have a pretty good grasp on the situation and you really seem to understand both sides of the story. Your advice supports what I have been feeling, but what I have been too afraid to do. I want so badly to forgive him and move on to fixing the things that are wrong. I was just scared that by doing so I was giving in and not standing up for myself. So, thank you for making me feel like it is ok.

My husband and I have pretty opposite work schedules, so we have not had a lot of time to talk. But we have sat down the past 2 nights for a little bit and discussed this before going to sleep. It has been tough but I feel like things will be ok before too long. We are working on finding him some counseling, because even if this hadn't happened, we both recognized that he would benefit from it after everything that has happened with his family. He is still worried that I am going to leave. So I guess the next step is for me to swallow my pride and make him feel secure and loved so that we can both move on and grow from this.

**rosekitten** · 12-02-2011 05:31 PM

I'm glad to hear that you've come to a decision, and I hope that it works out for the best. One thing I like about this forum is you get a lot of straight answers, and we've all had our own experiences, so I've never felt alone in what I've gone through, because I know others have gone through it too. Please, keep us updated and let us know how things go? I hope you'll stick around and share your own insights on topics with us.

**ashy09** · 12-02-2011 08:57 PM

I can very closely relate to your situation! Me and my partner have been serious about each other/ our relationship since we met 3 and a half years ago. So half the time you have been with your partner. A year and a half into the relationship (this was 2 months into starting a long distance relationship, as I decided to go to a distant university which meant we could only see each other once during term before the xmas holidays. He proposed to me the week he came down before my birthday which was very nice as we both felt the same way. But looking at it from his point of view, I see something ticked in him that made him want to keep hold of the relationship. Basically it was one of the first signs of 'stress' for him, having to cope without having me by his side. He was living with my parents while he was a student studying a new course at college, and with that respect, there was another stress that his girlfriends parents are financially supporting him. Making him feel sort of useless. Stress number three all his friends his age were all coming out of apprentiships, and could afford there own cars and renting a place etc. Giving him another knock back, to his self esteem.

Anyways, after he went home a few weeks later I was at a house party and on the phone to him telling him how much I miss him. We were having a nice long chat and he was very open with me that he was talking to a girl thats on his engineering course. As the conversation ended my partner laughed and told me that he wrote 'ok babe cya later xxx' (or something along them lines) admiting that he felt like he was talking to me and felt silly for calling this lass babe. Which was all fine. But as I was missing him at the time I was interested in anything that was to do with him. Which in this case was the conversation with the lass. With no strong paranoid feelings as such about the talk, I was just curious to see what they talked about so I could perhaps pick up on some ways of talking to him. So after the party when I got home I logged into his facebook account to see the conversation all there. We are both happy on giving each other passwords to our accounts as it helps to show to each other that we both have nothing to hide. (even though logging into someones personal account is not the way to go about things, I wanted to have a look at the conversation anyways.)

Reading through it I thought ok hes having a general crack about college life... but with a twist. It was like reading a childs conversation on the lines of 'who everyone fancies'. Starting with the crack that his mates thinks shes fit and shes admiting that she thought some of them were ok. Then the top three comes around and she admits he was one of them, leading onto him admiting that he thought she was fit also. (a nice little ego boost for anyone having someone admit they like them, fair enough.) But it got a little heavier than that, as in, it got into more depth. 'oh really?! I didnt think you liked me?... yeah i think your fit... (and I QUOTE my partner saying) "I am surprised you didnt see me checking you out all the time!". BAM, when I read that I was like WTF. Fair enough its all innocent theres no kissing or sex thats gone on, but wow he really hit the ball out of the park with that. I was soo upset, angry, embarrassed, confused. I just wrote him 5 long text messages that early morning. Telling him what I did and what I found and how it does not in the slightest sit with me well. If thats the case then I am clearly not having a relationship with you anymore. Things are black or white. This is out of order. I am not having this. (letting my pride take the drivers seat! haha) Which is a good thing to have, dont let anything walk over you. ANYWAYS. After about 3 hours sleep I get a phone call from my partner, barely able to speak he is crying that much. (and you know guys, they NEVER cry/show their emotions) My first reaction was like oh wow babe! are you orite? Is it my texts that have upset you? (politely asking) and I just managed to hear a 'yeah' within all the crying. Ive hurt this guy bad. Yeah he was out of order for saying what he said, but he still loved me. which is hard to understand how can you do the two things at once. It still hurts me to this day, its only been 3 months ago which is nearly 2 years after the incident that I would say I am over the situation. As my hurt pride/self still couldnt understand why he would do such a thing. I wouldnt do it to him so why to me? But If I look at the bigger picture like i first mentioned about the several stresses he was under, he was just looking out for a self esteem boost. Even though I tell him how great his is and that I love him. It does kinda get to the stage of your opinions are always positive. Just like a childs mother would always have a good word to say about their child. That child needs, and will crave the opinion of someone outside the box.

Anyways since then similar situations have happened. Despite me stressing on him that what he did hurt me so much that I would end up choosing my pride over the relationship if it was to happen again. His friends (of which the half that were girls whome for some reason didnt like me when i was around. there should not have been a problem, but after it all happend the understanding of it all was jealousy. they liked what i had, but because i had it (my partner) they didnt like me. They even laughed at the idea that my partner was with me, as again I quote, 'what is he doing with her? he could do soo much better!'. Thats one thing if someones bad mouthing you off behind your back, but its another when you wont put your partner first! Hes one of those people who would like to keep the peace with everyone and will try and not make a situation but putting someone in their place. I just cant believe one of my friends had to ask him outside for a second just to tell him that look one of the girls is flirting with you a little too much, you should tell her to get off your case. A week before this I was at home and he and this group of friends were all out at the pub playing kinky pool. Doing flirty things to each other to trying and put each other off their shot while they were playing pool. such as nibbling each others ears, stroking each others backs. etc. And amazingly there were photos of this put up on facebook. Seeing my partner flirt with these other girls 'forgetting' that he has a partner. Again the next day I saw my partner he told me straight that he had a laugh and thats what they got up to. but that was his only night off and the rest of the week he was working so he was 'too tired' for me. So I got really upset by it all. Not to mention that this all happend 2 weeks before I was to go back to uni for my second year where me and my partner would have to do long distance again. I was hoping we would make the most of our time together before we can't see each other again for another term!... so again my pride/self is very upset. I just dont know what to think. How could he do these things? I wouldn't dare do them as I know how hurtfull it is if you say your seeing someone but then you see someone else. Its common sense! But if i see if from his point of view again, its him ''innocently'' getting a self esteem. I know and he knows that we would never have sex or even kiss another person while we are seeing each other. But this grey area that he has hit is still upsetting. We had the rule that anything that is black is in the wrong, where as a grey is fine. As usually there is no meaning behind it. But when someone steps into that grey area without the thought of you put first. Then it is out of line and it hurts people.

I know this is about me talking about my life. But hopefully the similar experience can help you to feel like your not alone and have someone who has been in a similar situation to give their input on how they have been getting through it. Almost like good cop and bad cop. Its nice to have someone tell you straight what you should do, but then its nice to have someone with an understanding of what your going through. So I hope that this (my novel, haha) has helped you to at least not feel bad for being human but also give you a heads up in the two ways I looked at the situation, mine and his. It is soo good that your partner is getting counseling as it really is great. I am getting it while I am at uni and the help of talking to someone is priceless. I am an open person anyway so for me its no problem talking. Where as my partner is quite closed in comparison to me, I would love him to go to a councilor so that like your partner, he can tackle his problems in a healthy way. I would love it if I could go for a relationship counseling session, as that way I feel having an outsider listen to yours and your partners point of view gives them respect for you to listen to what important points they have to tell you that they think you should consider of yours and your partners. Overall dealing with everything healthily. If me and my partner went to see someone... not necessarily because we need help, but just for an open minded discussion on how things are currently going and raising points that no one has really noticed but the councilor has picked up on... leading to the conclusion that talking/communication really is the best way to go about life.

So the first step that you have had with your partner where yous have sat down and talked about the issues, is your first step done. Then time will help the situations feel like they are LONG gone in the past. But with time you need to talk. As I am an open person I am happy to instantly tell my partner when something is upsetting me. So when these past moments came to my mind and made me feel down I would tell them but I would also tell them that I see their side of the story and I dont mean to guilt trip them in anyway but just express that im feeling hurt. So then we would talk it out. Then i would feel fine and I would feel like it would never bother me again. but a little while later it did. but i just talked it out and i got back on my feet again. this went on for nearly two years and now that things are settled a lot more with our relationship I can say that I am over the scenarios. But im in my final year of uni doing long distance again. the summer was great I was happy. but now I am back at uni things are a little unsettled again so when i remember the past it hurts. I am happy in accepting my pride over my relationship to the degree that if something is bothering me I will let the person know. and if they cant accept my feelings then i will let my pride take over, to a degree.

All you can do when a problem arises, is to talk about it. Talk about how you feel and how you see the big picture as well as your point of view and you can't go wrong.

xxx

**JustTired** · 12-02-2011 09:33 PM

It is nice to hear that others have gone through similar things and have made it through ok. I also used to think that things were black and white...if you do anything to break the most basic level of trust in a relationship then its over, right? Well, I'm a little older now and I've seen some family and friends deal with various relationship problems. When my cousin's bf cheated on her (also dealing with some issues- his mother passing away from cancer his sr. year of high school) I couldn't believe she stayed with him. I thought she was crazy, but they just got married this year and seem like they have had a lot of happy years together. And especially now that I've had this experience, I get it. I used to think that people who stay with someone who has betrayed them in some way were just setting themselves up for disappointment. But when you love someone, sometimes you have to accept the mistakes they make. You sound like a very understanding person--your boyfriend is lucky to have someone who is willing to look at his side of things. Did he recognize that what he was doing was somewhat inappropriate for someone is a relationship--was he willing to be more careful because it had upset you? I feel the same way you do about talking things out. I like to just get it out and talk about it--otherwise I just feel frustrated. So I have no doubt that much like you I will have to continue to bring this up and talk about it whenever I start to feel insecure again. Thanks for sharing your story with me, it does help to have more perspective. I hope things work out for you guys.

**caterpillar79** · 12-03-2011 10:53 AM

Stress and character flaw rolled in one makes it difficult for everyone to deal with the present. Our spouses sometimes do things with the unintended re-hashing of the pain we have experienced when he (almost) cheated or did something stupid to name the least or even our own past before even meeting him. I think it helps more if you can get out of yourself and try to see what is really bothering you about your relationship/how his loyalty is to you, etc. and try to deal with it yourself in your own way.

Men generally don't think about the woman they love when the "lusty" part of them is at work and it's not aimed towards us because we weren't present. I don't like to believe it, and still don't but sometimes, I'm convinced - it's real. In times like this, I remind myself, it's how I perceive the situation and how I feel about it. And if I feel something like a punch in my stomach or any hint of jealousy, I let him know. And we talk things through. My husband learned now to ask me specific questions, such as "what do you want me to do to reassure you of my loyalty and love for you?" And I learned how to be more specific about it.

It was a tough 1 year and 6 months of marriage for us. He has not cheated, but watched porn (caught him red-handed, he thought I went to church, I walked into our bedroom, and there he was on his iphone with headphones on and his hand on his crutch), and checked out other girls (with or without me around), and I called him out many times. It's a long journey, believe me. We're turning 2years on the 18th of December and I'd say, over time, the changes he's done and the progress we've made together is very encouraging (and romantic). I don't intend to me like his mother always telling him what to do and what not to do, but sometimes, I hate to admit that that's how I feel on occasions where I have to set my foot down.

Now, this is me telling you, that you are a beautiful woman. Whatever your partner did/does/will do is not your fault - it's his character flaw and it's a huge problem he needs to fix himself. But you have to point it out if it continues to bother you. Our role as wife is to support, nurture and love the husband no matter what. But that won't be possible if mutual respect is not laid out. All the best to you, OP.