Wedding etiquette

**asiangrace** · 12-09-2011 11:14 AM

Hey!

So, my fiance and I have decided to have a "real" wedding rather than a courthouse. We thought the limit for the court house was 20 people, but it's only 10. Our wedding is still not going to be extravagant, but it's going to be a little bigger than originally planned. Also, I decided I really wanted the experience of having bridesmaids, and walking down the aisle. Anyway, to the point... his older brother lives kind of out in the country on a BEAUTIFUL acreage. It would be a perfect wedding spot. He's hosted family get togethers out there, so we know he's not opposed to people out on his property. We want to ask him if we could get married out there and have our reception. I am wondering if we should offer him money? I know him well, and he would refuse to take our money but I don't know if we should offer it anyway. I wouldn't want to offend him by offering him a fee or offend him by NOT offering to pay a fee either... I thought maybe he could host in lieu of a gift, but then I feel rude saying, "well you wouldn't have to give a wedding gift" What would be the appropriate way of asking him if we could use his property/patio for our wedding without him feeling he's being taken advantage of? I don't want him to feel like he has to say "yes" because I'm marrying his brother. I really don't think he is going to have a problem with it at all, especially since it'll be small and it would be outside (we would use one of his bedrooms for the bridesmaids/bride to get ready and the bathroom for guests). What would be a tactful way of asking him? or am I overthinking this? Help!

**KMonte85** · 12-09-2011 11:55 AM

I think it would be a lovely backdrop for your small wedding. It sounds like a beautiful place.

If I were you, I would ask him either out to dinner, or to come over for dinner. Have some yummy food, some nice conversation, and very casually bring it up. Tell him you had been thinking of changing the wedding plans and having a small backyard wedding. Explain how beautiful his place is, and what a perfect setting you think it would be for your small wedding. Let him know that you're in no way expecting him to say "yes" because he's family, and you fully understand if he's not comfortable with the idea (so this way he has an out if he really doesn't feel comfortable with it). And if he says Yes, mention you would be happy to pay him for the use of his home. I think the offer should be made, even if you already know he won't take it.

And you and your hubby should give him a lovely gift the day of as a "thank you" for making your special day what it is. What that special gift is, I don't know, but it should be from the heart.

On a side note, do also think about all the goings on that happen with a backyard wedding. Backyard weddings are absolutely LOVELY, but can be difficult given the challenges that mother nature has in store. You say you will only use one bathroom and a bedroom for getting ready, but otherwise the wedding will take place outside. What if it rains that day? Will you be able to rent a large tent and place it on his property, being responsible for getting it there, set up, and removed with as little hassle as possible?

Will you be having a reception? And if so, will it be there as well?

**lizzardb63** · 12-09-2011 11:55 AM

I would say something like "We were just talking about how beautiful your land is and it came up in conversation that it would be wonderful to get married and celebrate our wedding day there. Would you be opposed to that? Don't feel obligated to say yes, because there are plenty of other options out there for us." And if he says yes, then once the day gets closer, I would gift him a gift of money for being so kind as to open his home to you and your bridesmaids and to allow you to get married and have your party there. I guess if it were me, I wouldn't "offer" him any money, I would just give it to him, just to show my gratitude.

**lizzardb63** · 12-09-2011 11:59 AM

He'd be less likely to give it back, if you gave it to him the day of your wedding (unless you're hoping he would give it back...??)

**lizzardb63** · 12-09-2011 12:01 PM

Also- you can look into renting tents and porta-potties to make it more conveinient for guests and this will also make it less likely for the guests to roam through the house.

**asiangrace** · 12-09-2011 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I think it would be a lovely backdrop for your small wedding. It sounds like a beautiful place.

If I were you, I would ask him either out to dinner, or to come over for dinner. Have some yummy food, some nice conversation, and very casually bring it up. Tell him you had been thinking of changing the wedding plans and having a small backyard wedding. Explain how beautiful his place is, and what a perfect setting you think it would be for your small wedding. Let him know that you're in no way expecting him to say "yes" because he's family, and you fully understand if he's not comfortable with the idea (so this way he has an out if he really doesn't feel comfortable with it). And if he says Yes, mention you would be happy to pay him for the use of his home. I think the offer should be made, even if you already know he won't take it.

And you and your hubby should give him a lovely gift the day of as a "thank you" for making your special day what it is. What that special gift is, I don't know, but it should be from the heart.

On a side note, do also think about all the goings on that happen with a backyard wedding. Backyard weddings are absolutely LOVELY, but can be difficult given the challenges that mother nature has in store. You say you will only use one bathroom and a bedroom for getting ready, but otherwise the wedding will take place outside. What if it rains that day? Will you be able to rent a large tent and place it on his property, being responsible for getting it there, set up, and removed with as little hassle as possible?

Will you be having a reception? And if so, will it be there as well?

Great idea! And yes, we have definitely thought through what could happen with a back yard wedding due to wonderful mother nature. We also live in the midwest, so mother nature is definitely finicky here. One day it could be 95 degree, and the next we have a blizzard. We are planning on renting a large tent and setting a date during a month where it's least likely to rain. My goal, for his brother, would give him absolutely no responsibilities other than 'showing up'. I would even clean for him and we'd clean up. I agree, I think the offer of money should me made too. It would be nice. The other thing we thought about was giving it to him as a gift on the wedding day. I would just feel horrible if he also got us a wedding gift. I would want to make it clear he wouldn't have to get us a gift, but don't know how to do that either.

**asiangrace** · 12-09-2011 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by lizzardb63

He'd be less likely to give it back, if you gave it to him the day of your wedding (unless you're hoping he would give it back...??)

definitely would not want him to give it back!! I just don't want him to think we're taking advantage of him because he's family... but he does know us well and knows we're not like that. I will make it clear that he can say "no" and there will be no hard feelings! It does help, though, that he knows both of us well and is close to us and knows we don't host wild parties. Our guests definitely will not ruin any of his property.

**asiangrace** · 12-09-2011 12:15 PM

Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions so far! Yes, we would plan on having the ceremony and reception at his place. I would like everything at one location. We're planning on renting a large, white tent in case it rains and having it in the evening because I've always wanted a night time reception. We'd hang white lights and maybe some Japanese laterns. My maid of honor is also my wedding coordinator, and she's terrific at weddings on a budget. I think we will offer to pay him money, and if he refuses, we will get him a nice gift. How do we tell him not to get us a gift for our wedding (if he decides we can use his property).

**lizzardb63** · 12-09-2011 12:18 PM

Well if he says yes, once you agree on it you can just say "And don't even THINK about getting us a gift...that's out of the question!"...

**BabyGirl** · 12-09-2011 06:54 PM

Great suggestions.
You may also, when you talk to him, bring it up as/ or like this .

" (Name ) we have decided on a small wedding instead of the Courthouse one. We found a couple of Places we are thinking about that we can rent. But are wondering if you would be willing to Rent us your place ( or part of land ) for the Day ?

No pressure here, just that your place is so Beautiful and we have planned a Site in our budget already "

If he says Yes and refuses the Rent, Tell him that is the Best Wedding Gift he could ever give you guys . Then of course you will discuss the tent, the Guests, the room/ rooms. and explain that in that case, you will be paying for any cleanup, electric bill costs.

On the day of your Wedding ( if held there ) you will have a Thank you gift for him the Host and Money to cover expenses, you and Fiance can figure out that ahead of time.

He will most likely get you a Gift anyway, accept it with Grace and then on his Birthday or Anniversary ( if Married ) get him something Extra or more Special .